I just need to know if I’m being dramatic or if I have a right to feel disrespectful, upset and invalidated?
Back story: dated for 5 years, found out after our twins (which he begged me for a baby while being unfaithful) that he was cheating for the last 2. Tried to lie even tho I had proof. Finally admitted to it & apologized. Kept finding sketchy stuff on his phone. Now b/c he goes to work & comes home he thinks he’s done everything to gain my trust back. I’m not allowed to bring it up, tells me to get over it & leave it in the past. Anytime I try to talk to him about my feelings or if he upsets me, he shifts the focus on me & what I’m not doing which I take into consideration but believes he’s doing all he can even tho it’s bare minimum effort. I tell him I need his reassurance b/c of the betrayal (all 3 girls didn’t look anything like me) & tells me to grow up & that I’m insecure & I need to work on my issues. Says he doesn’t have to proof anything to me when I ask to look through his phone for reassurance & it’s a red flag b/c if he wanted to gain my trust & reassure me.. it wouldn’t be a problem if he wasn’t doing anything shady.
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So let me get this straight. You are with a guy who:
- Cheated on you for 2 years (that you know of) with 3 women.
- Have no remorse and is telling you it’s your issue that you need to get over.
- Does nothing to prove his loyalty or to even give you some peace of mind and reassurance.
- Smokes joints.
- Interacts with and offer other women, strangers, joints in front of you.
- Does nothing around the house.
- Expects you to serve him meals and snacks.
- Calls you a lazy bum.
- Insults you as a person and aiming insults at your most private body parts.
- Threatens to take your kids away.
- Complains YOU give HIM stress.
- Asks you for all sorts of favors and bitch if you ask him for any.
- Is, as you yourself admit, a narcissist.
And what do you do? You:
- Forgive him.
- Wonder if you’re being dramatic.
- Stay with him even though he flirts with other women and refuses to prove he’s loyal.
- Do everything around the house and with the kids.
- Act like his personal maid and chef.
- Walking on eggshells around him, making an effort to not say something that upsets him.
- Being upset about why he no longer wants to marry you.
Does he sound like a good man? Would you want your daughter to be with someone like him in the future? Would you want your daughter’s response to this treatment from a man to be the same as your response is? Girl you need help. You’re so deep in this abusive shit that you can’t even see it clearly. It’s not your fault, this is what people like him does to their partners. It’s their thing and they CAN NOT change. They don’t want to either but they literally can’t. He’s mentally ill and it’s bot curable. You can’t live the rest of your life in such an abusive relationship and don’t believe your doing your kids a favor staying. Separation is always the last resort and if you have kids you owe them to give it your very best effort to solve things, however this isn’t solvable and he doesn’t want to solve anyway. Having separated parents is better than growing up in an abusive home. Even if it’s not physical abuse it’s very much emotional abuse. The children will pick this up, they likely are already. Kids sense, hear and notice everything. By staying with him you’re teaching your sons it’s ok to treat women like that and that they should take it and still trest them like kings. You teach your daughters that it’s ok for men to treat her like that and that she should stay with the abuser. That it’s normal and acceptable behavior from men.
And marriage is the last thing you need to think about with this man. Thank your God or the universe for not being married to him and having to go through the whole divorce process. Get help from a therapist and your family to leave this person as soon as possible. Preferably today.
Thank you for your honesty. I went 4 years getting gaslit and mentally abused without realizing it. Finding everything out and how he’s handling and reacting now is definitely opening my eyes to everything. I’ve been educating myself on narcissism and mental/verbal abuse. Given Im not perfect partner but I’ve apologized and tried to change from the person I was before. It doesn’t happen over night but the more I call him out on the abuse the worse he’s getting with it. I am getting into therapy and taking the steps to heal myself from all of this and my past traumas.
Anon... but he's haaawwwwwt!
@krakenattackin who pissed in your cheerios that you have to be so rude?