My (F30) narcissistic boyfriend (M32) left me for a 19 year-old. He wants to stay best friends, what should I do?

[TechieMatera]

K (M32) and I (F30) met while online gaming. We've been seeing each other off and on since last July, but we've only met in person once (I live in GA, he lives in MA). It was an amazing time and I felt it brought us closer together. We have been deeply in love from the start (or at least I have been) because we had so much chemistry and so much in common. We primarily spend time in a discord server with our mutual friends. His friend who owns the server began opening it up to the public. That's when L (19) joined.

L was odd, she'd always hang out in public calls with us but never talk even if we addressed her. I then noticed K would stay up all night long in calls with L and they would be posting lots of gifs/jokes in public chats. I got jealous and brought this to his attention. He told me I had nothing to worry about and that he was just trying to build a friendship with a shy person. I was still uncomfortable, but let it go to avoid conflict.

K and I had been discussing moving in with one another since I own a house and he doesn't like living in MA. He had been on board prior to meeting L, but suddenly he was hesitant. I noticed this but didn't push the issue. He said he'd need to think about it and I told him to take his time. I address the L situation again and say I'm annoyed that she's flirting with him. He said he didn't think she was. I said "of course she is, she has a crush on you." And he said that hit him like a ton of bricks.

Two days later, after playing a game together where we were flirting like normal, he calls me and tells me he can't commit to me. He's fallen for L, but he doesn't want to lose me because I'm his best friend. I was blindsided. It has caused a huge tear in our friend group and him and L have been flirting non-stop publicly on discord. The server owner refuses to address it. I feel disrespected, angry, disgusted, and heartbroken.

What should I do?

[MrOracle]

It's a harsh lesson, but hopefully you learn from it: online/long-distance relationships aren't real - romantic ones anyway - and they nearly always end badly. They only serve to eat up time, and especially as a woman, you can't afford to waste your time given how valuable your youth is.

I recommend that you step away from your "online life" for a while and actually build a life in the real world, with people who are local to you, that you can see all the time.

[TechieMatera]

Yes, I was very hesitant to fall into a long-distance relationship because I know they are exceptionally difficult, but he was too good to be true. That should've been a big red flag, but I was too invested to overthink it.

I struggle a bit to find the time for a real-world life due to my extremely unpredictable work schedule. I'm usually only free late at night when most 9-5 folks are sleeping. But I'll continue trying.

[EpicSnail]

I know I sound old, but maybe you should meet someone in real life. It's way too abstract online, and too easy to half-commit to someone.

You should only stay friends with him if you want to.

I personally haven't had much success with trying to be friends with women who rejected me. It's like perpetuating the pain of rejection for no reason.

[TechieMatera]

Prior to K, I had been in multiple short relationships since 2020 (when I got divorced). They would last a few months and then someone would lose interest. It's just so much easier to meet someone who checks a lot of your romantic boxes online as the dating pool is substantially larger. I didn't intend to date him, we met on accident and immediately became digitally inseparable.

I can be friends after a breakup, but after being cheated on with a teenager? Not sure I have the emotional stamina. Thank you for your insight.

[EpicSnail]

Understood. But maybe the ease of meeting people is both the strength and weakness of online dating...

[TechieMatera]

That's absolutely true. It's a gamble and I knew that going into it. I figured the worst that could happen was that it wouldn't work out, not that I'd be so egregiously betrayed. But there's an inherent risk of betrayal with any relationship.

[Anonymous]

Oops posting the same question twice under 2 different accounts.

[LazerBean]

Y'all are too old to be like this. That's your bad.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Nothing you can do other than leave the server and block them both.

[TechieMatera]

The server is where all of my friends are. I'd prefer to not cut ties with my entire online community over his ridiculous behavior.

[Anonymous]

Leave the discord server, block him everywhere and move on.

[boggboss]

Do what's best for yourself

[Legendarylegacy13]

Does she work at krogers?

[TechieMatera]

I know almost nothing about her aside from her first name and age. She'll only talk to him.

[Legendarylegacy13]

My little crushes come from places like kroger. lol