This doesn't seem fair?

[Anonymous]

I've been dating this girl now for 8 months. We're had our good times and had some not so good times. I'm 23 and I'm a virgin. She's 21 and she's not a virgin. In the very beginning of our relationship it didn't bother me too much but recently it has started to bother me a tremendous amount. (Keep in mind that we are waiting for marriage for religious reasons).

The fact that she has had sex before is not what bothers me. What bothers is who she was doing it with. The guy that she was with before me was very abusive and disrespected her, he made her parents hate him, and didn't commit to her. He also made her get his named tattooed on her chest (So I have reminder to look forward to).

Now me on the other hand, I try my very best to treat her like a princess and do everything I can for her, go out of my way to make sure her parents like me, and want to wait until marriage.. It makes me feel like I'm paying all this price and giving so much effort just to eventually get the same the other guy got for so much less. It doesn't feel fair.

What should I do? I really like her but it's making me feel really bad towards her. I don't get excited whenever she mentions sex because I can only imagine her doing things with the guy.. I don't like it.

[SnowedIn]

You have two choices: get over it or end the relationship. None of this is her fault. And she can't change the past. You own your behavior and the choices you make. And how you react.

By the way, there is nothing about this that's unfair.

[Asker]

You're very right. I have tough decision to make. None of this is her fault. Do you think that I should bring up the situation to her and tell her how I feel or that would just cause her to feel pain, shame, and guilt? She really, really likes me and wants me to be her husband. I can only control how I react. What do you mean by nothing about this is unfair? I'm paying a higher price to get the same thing that he got for little effort?

[SnowedIn]

Relationships aren't about fairness. If you think that then you're not ready to get married.

You need to forget about the ex. Just stop. Be thankful you have a woman who likes you this much. She chose YOU. Stop with the pity on yourself.

And, no, do NOT tell her how you feel. Let it go and be grateful you've found someone to love and who loves you back.

If you can't let this go, then set her free.

[Asker]

You're right. Relationships aren't about fairness. I just feel like there's so many areas in the relationship where I do things for her and she doesn't come through for me.. I want to forget about the ex but it's hard. I want to stop. I am thankful that she likes me this much.. Sometimes I feel like she doesn't really like me.. She chose me over him but he wasn't treating her that good to begin with. She gave him sex.. You're right.. I shouldn't be pitying myself. I will not tell her how I feel. I think I'll just keep it to myself and continue to play things by ear. But isn't it disingenuous for me to feel bad when she says sexual things trying to entice me but I actually get bothered and angry?

[Asker]

Maybe I like her too much and I need to stop liking her as much and stop being as nice. I think that when I over extend myself it opens the door for me to be hurt more.

[SnowedIn]

I'm going to be brutally honest with you: you are NOT ready to be married and I also believe not ready to be in a relationship.

[Asker]

Please explain to me why? I understand that I may still be young and immature.

[SnowedIn]

These statements:

"... she doesn't come through for me" and "bothered and angry" and "stop being as nice".

Those statements are from someone who is definitely not ready for marriage and probably not ready for a relationship.

Marriage and relationships are all about selflessness and taking care of others and not getting pity petty hurt and not about taking offense. "Stop being nice" is just passive aggressive and what a child would do.

[Asker]

Thank you for getting back to me and for leaving a reply at all. You've been a tremendous help. My girlfriend and I have a really amazing relationship and I love her to pieces. These are just some thoughts that have been simmering in the back of my head but other than that. I've always gone above and beyond to treat her the best that I possibly can, not because I want something in return but because I love her. She's told me that I'm one of the most selfless people that she's ever met and I don't ask anything of her aside from a little appreciate for the things that I do. I thank you once again for sharing your take on things and I'll be sure to keep that in mind. You're right relationships are about being there for her and not about me. I'll continue to do my best to make sure that I become the best man that I can be for her. God bless you and have a great day/night :).

[SnowedIn]

Thank you for MHO

[shades777]

you asked this question already!!!

[Asker]

😅😅😅

[shades777]

Are you learning anything or simply enjoying asking the same questions over and over, its a rather pointless pursuit

[Asker]

Honestly, I don't know. I've asked the same question whenever the issues would arise again. This girl really does amaze me. Every time that I've told her how much I care about her or just finished doing something for her, without fail, she will always make me seem small or bring up how good things were with her ex. I just don't like it. I can't stand it.

[shades777]

Listen, you have to draw the line somewhere, your the captain of the ship

[Apple1996]

Doesn't sound worth it especially with that tattoo on her chest like yuck to have a constant reminder of him like that

[Asker]

She said she's gonna get it removed :/

[LazerBean]

Thats your bad, try thinking ahead in the future.

[mommymommymommy]

Best thing to do is to just voice that to her. Tell her what you told us, see what she says

[najekim]

If it helps, you can offer to get the tattoo removed.

[Anonymous]

Common reality unfortunately

[Asker]

Have you ever experienced it my friend?