How should I deal with a husband who keeps making me feel jelous?

Question

Hello, Me and my husband have been together for 5 years and have a 1 and a half year old son. When I was 3 month pregnant he exchanged numbers with a random girl at the train station, anyway feeling as if I was stuck at the moment I decided to stay with him for financial reasons. Fast forward, I have become a jelous wreck. Every time we go out if there is an attractive girl around I will turn my back towards him so I do not see him look at her. And in my head I always feel is if he is looking when we go out. For example, when we were on the plane recently, I was sitting next to him and saw his head turned back for about 8 seconds I would say. At first I thought he was just looking back to see what's going on maybe as his sister was sat behind us. But I felt it was a little too long as he wasn't talking at the time and when I looked back I saw this attractive air hostess. I questioned him recently and he denied it. Again, we went to a festival yesterday and accross the road there was a girl wearing a low cut too big breasts and within a second or two I saw his head turn back and then turn back again. He knows how jelous I am and he knows I hate it but he denies everything. He says he doesn't remember any girl accross the road or any girl on the plane. He says I'm just crazy and paranoid. Now I feel like I've caught onto his game, I feel like he somewhat does this on purpose as he knows how I think in my head. But I just don't know how to handle it anymore! I've spoke to him and he says that he's not doing that, but I can see with my eyes!!! If he is doing it on purpose, why would he do this? Does it make him feel more powerful? Is he trying to prove a point as in ' oh she thinks if I look back I'm looking at another girl but I'm not ' I know the best thing would probably be to leave him as the trust is already ruined but I have no money, no family I can stay with and also a 2 year old son. It is almost impossible to leave now.

glennos89 · Accepted Answer

With all respect to you I will say this... Looking at someone else is natural behaviour for men and woman both. Looking at someone else is okay, acting up upon it isn't if you are in a relationship!

I understand it makes you feel jealous when he looks at other girls passing by but the more you show him you are jealous... the more you give him the feeling he is being trapped and therefore the greater the chances will be that he will eventually feel trapped in his relationship which will push him away from to towards other girls.

As long as it stays with just looking nothing is wrong so try to stop worrying about every girl you and your boyfriend come across because it will ruin the relationship you have with him! You can't avoid or expect from him that it won't look at persons walking by! He can't put his eyes in his pockets so accept that there will be moments he is seeing other girls and understand that looking is not the same as as cheating. Only when he actively try's to score their number you have the right to feel bad about it!

The problem most likely lies with your own insecurity so try to work on that instead of blaming him otherwise your relationship will fail guaranteed!

The reason I say this is because I had a relationship in the past for 6 years in total, I never cheated, I did everything I could to make my ex less jealous. Dropped a lot of female friends to make her feel less insecure but in the end nothing changed her jealousy and it started to make me feel jailed in my own relationship. My relationship was feeling like being in prison instead of feeling nice and comfortable. Eventually I broke down inside and decided to feel free again by leaving her on her own with her insecurity's. i couldnt handle it anymore.

I never cheated, never will cheat, but I realised it was not me who was the problem all these years but it the problem was her insecurity she didn't work on trying to improve it. I got the blame for it everytime for years on end and it destroyed our relationship completely.

You have no idea how badly I wanted to teach her a lesson by actually cheating with someone else after 6 years of being accused of being not loyal, while I actually was loyal all those years. She broke me completely making me feel miserable and worthless but luckily I kept my anger under control by staying loyal but damn that was hard for real!!!

Its been 8 years ago when I broke up with her but still I feel rage and anger inside myself when I think about it. People like my ex-gf destroy good men on the inside because of their own insecurity's. Blaming me for everything while I was doing nothing wrong bringing me to a point I was willing to cheat at some point!

Glad that I didn't do it in the end but damn... She deserved it for real 😤

Its okay to be insecure and feel jealous every once in a while! Just make sure it doesn't grow into something that makes him feel trapped within his own relationship while doing nothing wrong! That's my advise to you!

Let him look wherever he wants as long as he isn't actively trying to get a girls phone number you shouldn't feel jealous at all! Looking isn't cheating it's just natural human behaviour so do yourself and your boy a favor by letting it go!

Hopefully my message won't offend you, because all im trying to achieve is to save your relationship from ending up like mine did because I wasted 6 years of my life because of someone elses unnecessary insecurity's that capt getting worse and worse. I dont wish anyone else to be in that situation because things could have been wonderfull if she worked on her own insecurity's instead of blaming me for the things I didn't do wrong 😓😓😓

lightbulb27 · Accepted Answer

the exchange of numbers, did that turn into anything... and why did he do that? generally a bad idea to engage with single women like that when married.

Are you confident this "jealousy"... which is really insecurity and trust started then or was it deeper in your life. examine your past for your emotional state. That helps determine if the work is on your side and how much. Was there cheating in the past, divorices... including in your family.

You kinda have to tear up the roots of your life and examine where the damage is, and address that... for the part on your side. Your reaction seems a little strong, but normal as well.

It sounds like your husband is avoidant of his behavior because... he can't be honest and wants to avoid fights and his true feelings. Question is, does anything come of his behavior? I suspect it makes you feel worse about yourself, your attractiveness.. rejection. He has to start figuring out why he is doing what he is doing. It's somewhat normal to look at other women, to some degree. He needs to embrace what is going on and address it.

What he is doing by avoiding and deflecting back onto you and in essence, lying, is comparable to "gaslighting"... which is a form of torture. It creates more distrust and you are gonna feel worse. If you feel tortured, then you are normal. I don't believe him. He could be right, but not my assumption.

Soon the emotional/physical relationship can break down, fights occur in other places and relationship falls apart. "But a small trickled of water will take down a mountain".

This is all a pile of emotional stuff that will damage your relationship, so you'd both better take some action. Seems to me, being honest with it and then discussing what can be done is first steps.

Possible actions: You can share your post with him, talk to counselor, mentor with other couples, have more open discussions about feelings.

Lastly... have you noticed these really "stupid" old world cultures that cover the women head to toe in black, or wear ugly looking clothes or even those totally naked? There's reasons for that, ya know. It avoids problems and "honors god" in cases. Today, we've so sexualized our society (in the west) you can't go 5 minutes without seeing this. If there's porn addiction (s) past or present... and there's a lot of that, unresolved issues and desires, it permeates life.

We are not realistic with how addictive our brains are... it creates shame and a whole host of problems... all documeted in the Bible 1000's years ago! Humans haven't changed that much... sadly. Outcomes predictable.

Time to grow and evolve... suffering is the motivator. The Bible: Genesis 3:

DermalPunch · Accepted Answer

You didn't put a stop to it the first time. He doesn't respect you. Your only option now is to walk (and be prepared to leave for real) and let him suffer without you for awhile.

If you can't do that, then you need to ignore him and just start getting a really fabulous separate from him and make him jealous of that.

Frankly, you married a cheater and he will likely purposely get sloppy one day and "accidentally" get caught. If you stay, this will be the new norm.

I cannot tell you what to do but I would be long gone but I don't worry about money not because I'm rich but because I know God provides.

DizzyDesii · Accepted Answer

You need to address it further and confront him as its happening. Tell him you won't tolerate any further disrespect and you will continue to call him out on his bullshit... and that if he doesn't fix his behavior, you’ll leave. I think you should work on your insecurities as well. I get that you have a kid together but that doesn't mean you have to stay. You need to get a job, start saving up, leave, and agree to coparent

razelove · Answer

As you're describing all of this the only thing I'm wondering is if he slept with any of these women.

It almost sound's like he's being passive aggressive (which is awful) about something he perceives. Maybe 2 years ago you were on instagram, so he did something petty like the number exchange in front of you.

Really, whether he's being petty about something in the past, present, or trying to sleep with other women, you need to just straight up talk about that. You two are married, ideally you should be able to talk about and figure out what's going on together.

Otherwise, why did you get married in the first place?

AviatorTom · Answer

You know, there's nothing wrong with looking. I dated a girl in college who told me she would be surprised if I didn't look at other girls... because she knew what I was getting from her.

Finchie40 · Answer

The truth is , you need to leave him and realize you deserve someone better that that, He truly doesn’t value you , he just likes the convenience of you , By him checking out other girls and taking numbers is a huge red flag that he doesn’t value you , He is stringing you along for his convenience period , Once he finds a replacement he will kick you to the curb and use the excuse that you didn’t trust him, that you were insecure and he will try try to play a victim instead of realizing he is a piece of shit My ex did this to me to find out she was stringing me along until met someone that she felt was better than me, leaving Sucker written on my head while she was weighing her options , she finally met a con worker that had the hots for her that wanted to fuck her and he got his wish , I busted them red handed and that was my final straw to end it with her , the main reason I stayed with her prior was because we had children together and I thought love would save the day , The truth is Love doesn’t grow between 2 people when someone can’t remove selfishness for you the same way they expect you to remove selfishness for them. He is clearly a selfish piece of shit , Do yourself a favor and kick him to the curb where he belongs , you will never experience true love being strung along by someone that only cares about themselves , If he loved you his mission wouldn’t be to make you jealous period , He would give you the same respect that he wants from you in return, Value your self worth and realize you deserve better than this period.

JamesMI616 · Answer

The only reason to deliberately make a girl jealous is to make her claim you all to yourself. What you're describing is the kind of manipulation only used to distract you while he does dirt. If he convinces you that you're paranoid or crazy then he can get away with anything. This doesn't mean he's already cheating on you but it's certainly a red flag. If he begins to turn the tables and accuse you, then he's cheating. Leaving will not be easy by any means, but it will only be harder later. I'm not saying it's irreconcilable but if your gut is telling you to go then you should absolutely get out of there. If he finds out that you're leaving he will use the same extreme manipulation techniques to try convincing you that no one else will want you & he's the best you can do. That's not true at all. He might also use your child as a weapon by threatening your custody or neglecting his parental responsibility. If there's a way to get some time to yourself and gain some perspective and clarity then you should. I think you know that you deserve better & what you should do next. One thing is for sure and that's the fact he's already in your head and you need distance from his influence. Your situation is the definition of gaslighting, and you need to reconnect with your support system outside of your relationship (Hopefully he hasn't completely isolated you from them). Remind yourself who are without him and ask yourself if staying is what's best for you and the baby. Don't let fear of losing your financial stability force you to settle

MarkHrdman · Answer

Ask yourself if you notice other guys. Every woman you notice, you're attracted too. Try taking fear out of the equation. Let me ask you, if you put your hand between your crutch to moisten your pussy while you consider the details of how attractive these woman are and forced yourself to orgasm then it wouldn't matter who your man looked at because at least youd have a reason for him to be jealous.

Now if you placed your hand over his trousers while his looking at one of these hot woman then its far to say that youve got his attention instead but of course this wouldn't change his behaviour because you dont care about him & are only with him because of the money and want to make him feel miserable and are affraid to leave him because of your issue with financial independance and you dont want to lose your kid.

If it is such an issue to be with him. Why not explore the idea of being with her because while he is perusing over other woman which is only normal and not cheating because he doesn't take an action with them. You feel humiliated for being neglected and in fear of being shamed but what if you could have sex with her too?

Chances are he doesn't have a rats chance in hell of making it but if he can bring a woman home into your bed then its fair to say, you can do what ever you want with her and be guilt free and spice up your marriage.

EricSummer · Answer

Only the triggering event at first was a real issue, that he exchanged numbers with a girl.

Staring at women in public is bad behavior, but it should not be a big issue in a stable relationship. I think after so many years it should count more if he actually ever cheated or if he did not. If not, then he deserves some trust.

My mum always said it was rather reassuring my father still looked at women as he got older. It was a sign that he was still healthy as a man. He never cheated, either. (Neither did she, but she came close to it.)

MementoMori777 · Answer

if he is doing it on purpose because of the reaction you give its cause he most likely loves your jealous reactions, because jealousy can be adorable from a person you love but the way he is doing it doesn't seem like this at all, cause he is completely forgetting you have emotions and that he's constantly playing with them when he does this but tbh he can just be looking at other girls and not care how you feel which tbh either ways its messed up, next time you catch him staring quietly bring it up to him in public as soon as you see him do it, catch him with his hand in the dough, can't really deny it at that point

BoopBoopBeep · Answer

Guys look. You'd look if Chris Hemsworth ran by shirtless in the rain. Exchanging phone numbers with some rando is supremely disrespectful though, and that can't be tolerated. So you're broke, no family and a kid. That's gotta get addressed for you to go anywhere unless you plan on leaving your son behind, so step one is get a job and start squirreling away enough for your own apartment.

BadApple69 · Answer

I feel for you. I really do. But all men look at pretty girls it’s just most of us try to hide it better. Honestly it’s nothing to be jealous about.
You are talking about leaving him but yet you are jealous… you know that’s almost a contradiction… right?
I don’t normally suggest an Old Testament type of answer but you could try an eye for an eye. Start staring at guys when he is around. Give him a taste of his own medicine.

Not sure what else to tell you…. Good luck.

ohsheeT · Answer

The looking at somebody else wouldn't bother me but to exchange phone numbers yeah I think you answered your own question I think what you need to do is I don't care if it a dollar at a time and start putting some money away little by little you have to be disciplined about it and then one day just walk out the door

monorprise · Answer

You may be over-reading into this, your not married to a man. All guys find many women attractive unlike women that is how we are programed. It does NOT mean we will abandon our wives, nearly all of us have something called self-control.

Wait until he actually cheats before you start worrying, until then there is nothing you can do. What your paranoid is currently doing is probably driving him away.

es20490446e · Answer

I do that, and it doesn't mean I would want to fuck her.

It's like it catches my eye, but different than that would be wanting to act on it or to harm the relationship out of it.

Per se it means nothing, different is if he's purposely searching to hookup with some of those girls.

Sexiestjohnson · Answer

Men naturally are dogs. While Boys are gods (Wolfs).

The only way to get the man of your dreams is to be loyal to Jesus.

Nonetheless, I'd suggest you commit your way to God. When the going gets tough, the best thing for the tough is to pray. No one can ever be tough enough to go on without prayer.

DextroShade · Answer

You sound incredibly insecure and paranoid, you need to let it go. You have no proof he did anything, and even if he did cheat you owe it to your child to keep the family together because that will lead to the best outcomes for him. Also, you will not get any better than your child's father.

AnusNdaPainus · Answer

It’s like women will marry men and have children with ZERO understanding of male nature

we can’t help but look

I think you just might’ve gained weight recently and you probably don’t have enough sex with him or not even just sex you aren’t keeping his balls empty

deartheopolis · Answer

If you have a strong bond with your mate, then he should never make you feel jealous Orlando you should never feel jealous. It all comes down to the bonding process until you know each other so we’ll that this would never be an issue.

if you feel that jealousy would be a problem then you both have no good reason to ever consider marriage. I would move on and work on your self esteem and confidence in yourself and others.

simptopia · Answer

From your description, it honestly just seems like he's manipulative and uncaring and that you're insecure, jealous and paranoid. I would try and find a way to leave because it seems like neither of the two of you are truly benefitting from this relationship and its just causing stress

Christoff92 · Answer

Here's a solution if you're ain't the type. But come towards him like someone from his most pleasurable fantasies. Like duplicate that person which is from his most fantasized moment.

No need to feel jealous. Just go with the flow. Then he wouldn't flirt with others 😉😊

boggboss · Answer

Why not confront him when he does it most guys that look at eye candy y don't remember because it's somthing in the moment

emiliamilana · Answer

I‘m so sorry that you are going through this, you do not deserve to be treated like that! this guy is a loser. his behavior is so disrespectful, especially the fact that he doesn‘t take your feelings seriously. you deserve to be with someone who makes you feel loved and appreciated. is there no opportunity to get financial help from the government if you leave him?

How should I deal with a husband who keeps making me feel jelous?

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