Why won’t my fiancé let me go to a pool party?

[Anonymous]

hey guys. my fiancé and i have been together for 9 years. whenever i’m invited to a party, he won’t let me go. i mean he’s not forcing me to do anything, but i listen if he says no because i respect him. but i must say i’ve been sad recently. i miss hanging out with my friends. i barely do because the friends i have are all recently single and love the club scene and i don’t. today was one of my high school friends birthday parties. they threw a pool party for him and they warn me there will be guys over and i don’t want to be around men unless my fiancé is around (for respectful reason). i was looking at their instagram today and i noticed that there are friends at that pool party that i haven’t seen for a long time and i wish i was there. i didn’t go because my fiancé said no so i respected him and i didn’t go. however, i’m sad because i barely do anything. i don’t work because i’m in school full time and i want to wait until i graduate to look for a job. i barely hangout with friends. and my fiancé hangs out with his friends all the time. my fiancé and i don’t do anything. we don’t go out on dates, all we do is stay home i’m sad about it. so my question is why won’t my fiancé let me go to any parties my friends throw? why won’t my fiancé let me go to a pool party?

[Anonymous]

People are allowed to be crazy, many if not all of us are, changing is extremely difficult and could take a lifetime even if you are trying but you don't fuel the crazy you adapt to it.

So in this particular situation you should go to the party but you should also be offering him some reassurance and support to help him with his crazy, which he should be acknowledging and trying to manage.

Keeping secrets or silently going along with what someone says when you fundamentally disagree with them is not respect, I don't know where you get this idea from that what you are doing is about respect. What you are doing is giving him power over you which is a completely different thing and totally unhealthy FOR BOTH OF YOU.

You are enabling him to be a crazy person and causing harm to yourself at the same time, this is literally the worst of all possible worlds.

The long and the short of it is this; if the 2 of you cannot be real with each other and admit your faults and love and support each other in spite of your faults then you shouldn't be getting married.

[Lliam]

"I barely hangout with friends [because he doesn't want you to] and my fiancé hangs out with his friends all the time." What the actual f***?

He's displaying classic narcissistic behavior by isolating you. Narcissists gain control by charming and flattering their victims, and then gradually isolate them and alienate them from everyone they know. Pretty soon, they go from acting like you are the most wonderful person in the world to criticizing everything you do. They want total control.

At the very least, he is a self centered hypocrite. He's insecure and jealous, and thinks he owns you, and you go along with it.

Actual love is built on trust. If he doesn't trust you, he doesn't love you.

I see HUGE red flags in your relationship. Imagine the control he'll have if you marry him.

Try doing what you want to do regardless of what he wants. See what happens. I bet he'll snap and resort to threats and insults.

[Screenwriter]

Girl, what is wrong with you? Why are you allowing this man to control everything YOU do when he gets to do whatever HE likes? It's clear you're bored with this situation and it's terribly restrictive. In addition, you two NEVER GO OUT? What kind of relationship IS this?

Everything you've related sounds unhealthy and dull. I don't know how you've lasted 9 years. You're respectful of HIS wishes, but he doesn't care a whit about yours, does he? How is this fair or workable?

Unless you want to live your life like this, you'd better decide if this situation is a lifelong one. Doesn't sound like it to me.

[BasedBaeBecca]

It's hard to tell why your fiancé doesn't want you to go to parties without knowing more about the situation. If you feel sad and restricted because of his behavior, you should talk to him about it. Try to explain how you feel and ask for an honest answer about his reasoning. Maybe he's worried about your safety or maybe he just doesn't understand how important is to socialize and have fun. Either way, it's important to express your feelings and find a compromise that is comfortable for both of you. Communication is the key!

[AviatorTom]

He obviously is not confident in your relationship, likes to control you, and you let him. Just once, tell him you're going to the party, and then go, regardless of what he says. His reaction will tell you a lot about him. Most guys would say, "Have fun with your friends." I suspect he may not do that.

[OlderAndWiser]

1. Engaged for 9 years? Hahaha! You're not engaged; that means you're going to get married and that doesn't seem to be happening here.

2. Your boyfriend is quite controlling. Most girls would not tolerate such behavior from a boyfriend.

3. You can't be trusted to remain faithful if you go around other guys, because you have no loyalty or self-control. That is the message.

4. Are you HAPPY living like this?

[jennifer_bloom]

I don't like controlling guys cause I believe a relationship should be optional and voluntary and not forced. A guy who forces you to be with him by not letting you make friends, is thinking only of his own happiness and not yours. If he wants you to be with him, he should do things to make you happy so you will choose to be with him over and over again. Preventing you from having friends is not the right way to get loyalty from you.

[Apple1996]

Wow that's crazy controlling especially after 9 years he should trust you

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

My fiancé was always open to let me go to the pool party when we were in long distance, he was even proud to show my videos of having fun to his family.

Of course, I had fun in a bit more reserved way than I would have as a single girl, nothing that would make him feel uncomfortable or jealous.

And I showed everyone his photos there and I always told everyone how amazing my fiancé was. He could also call me with video calls any time, as nothing made me more happy than hearing his voice.

[ItsChloe]

Honey, if that was my fiancé he would have been kicked out years ago. We don’t live in the 1950’s anymore! A woman is not a man’s property and that’s exactly how he’s treating you babes! Call of the engagement, kick him out the house if you share one and move on because trust me, you’ll live a happier life with your friends than you will in lockdown because your “so called” loving partner says so.

I just want to give you a big hug and take you on a girls night out. Take you under my wing and show you that there are people who loves you that won’t control you out there just waiting for you.

[john6678]

Classic Insecurity. Not exactly an attractive trait for anyone. He sounds like he's worried one of the guys will try and crack onto you and you'll sleep with them. If your his fiancé he needs to learn to trust you cause right now he's just controlling you. Maybe he's been hurt badly before and has developed trust issues that require a lot more communication. Just get him alone and let him know you love him and your not going to break his heart. If that doesn't work he's a classic control freak.

[john6678]

9 years wow! Ok he's definitely gotta just calm the farm. More communication for sure if this is going to work long term.

[Nikki1989]

Why are you letting him control you like this?

I would be dumping him ASAP.

[Asker]

i don’t think it’s controlling. i think it’s respecting him enough to not go against his word. but I don't know i could be delusional

[OctopusEars]

Yes. You’re delusional. You aren’t having a lonely afternoon, you’re literally talking about missing having a life and seeing your friends and feeling isolated. You’re delusional. You’re with some shitty rube who wants you to be his personal live in sex maid.

[inhua]

good grief to all the gaslighters in the comments

it's no wonder relationships are no longer lasting as long as that of our parents and grandparents

stupid modernity thoughts rotting away at the basic foundations of relationships, boundaries and respect are now regarded as "insecurity"

oh and cheating has nothing to do with "good" or "bad" people. it's a matter of chance and opportunities

[OctopusEars]

-A bad person

[Lionman95]

Have you ever thought of taking him with you. The way I see it is that for him it might sound like a redflag since he doesn´t know who you´re going to. I think it sounds like a red flag situation since he might have a bad picture of pool parties in mind.

[richardcory]

Has he said why? The idea of someone being so insecure that they are concerned that their partner of 9 years will fall for other men any time she is with them is concerning. He should have enough confidence to believe that he is the person you want. If not, why be together?

I don't believe in insisting your SO not go to normal social events

[SnowedIn]

That's not you being respectful; that's him controlling you.

You need to get yourself out of that "relationship" and back where you can enjoy friends.

[soe11]

Sorry to hear that,

• you suppose to be enjoying age.
• If he not listen to you then finding way to positive councillor to peaceful solution.
• If you live in western countries you might get rights.

My best wishes for you.

[elizamichale1]

If it was me i would not listen to him even if he was also not goung out with his friends but he is being so selfish... n if he insisted i would have broken away from him...

U seriously need to think about ur relationship honey

[LazerBean]

Because he knows he's a loser who can't compete with the average man, so he has to keep you away from them lest you discover what men are actually supposed to be like.

[Anonymous]

You already know that it would be disrespectful to party and clubbing. Is good that you do that. However, you could arrange lunch dates and other activities. You don't have to miss your friends completely.
You can arrange to go out with your guy. Doesn't have to be expensive or complicated. Just spend time out the house.

[DryGermanGuy]

Is that man an insecure teenager or what? So he can go out and party with his friends but you can't? What am I reading here! :-(

[Asker]

not a teenager, we are both 31 years old

[Anonymous]

I can understand why he doesn't want you to go to a pool party but I also understand why you want to go. However I think it could help if you told him you wanna have fun too. Tell him your needs. Say you like to go out with him

[Asker]

i’ve tried to ask him to go out, but it’s always something with him. he’s tired, he doesn’t have money or he has to go to work. mind you he stays up until 4am and sleeps in until 2pm. not for work at all, he stays up because he wants to stay up at that time.

[Opinion Owner]

It could be lack of sex.. lack of sex affect men more than women. I dont know if thats it you dont even need to answet that..

Either way try to book something in edvanve so he can't say no

[Opinion Owner]

*edvance

[Asker]

oh we barely have sex. if i’m lucky we’ll have sex three times a month. and he blames me for not wanting any. i ask him why he says that and he says it’s because i’m always in a bad mood when i’m around him. NO SHIT, WE DONT DO ANYTHING! i’m tired and i’m bored 😑

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah thats the problem. He will become more fun when you have more sex. So if I were you I would surprice him with a lingerie or call him in the shower..

Sex is important in marrige. Maybe do this once every other day?

[exitseven]

This is a red flag. He is being controlling and it will only get worse. You might want to rethink this relationship.

[DevikaButts95]

You should get out of that relationship immediately. Huge red flag, guy is insecure and controlling.

[historectomy]

could be insecurity but don't belittle him for it try to make him feel like he is all the man you want

[Asker]

ill try. it’s just sad and hard when we don’t do anything. my life is boring and it makes me sad. i’m telling you we don’t do anything! we don’t go on vacation, we don’t go out on dates, we don’t go out on adventures. nothing! i hate it 😞 i also don’t do anything with my life because i don’t have money to do anything. i don’t work. my mom tries to convince me to break up with my fiancé and find someone who will do things with me, but i don’t want to. we are both 31 years old. we both recently lost really good jobs so now we are working from the ground up. he is making his own business and i’m in school for medical assistant. so he will soon make money and i will to, but it’s sad in the waiting game

[historectomy]

it is always good to have someone you can trust and depend on, i would say try asking him to do things with you and if he says no then get with friends and go out, maybe even try bringing him along do everythign you can to make it work, and i hope it works out for you

[Asker]

i have tried. his work is his priority and his friends are a priority to him. we will make plans then he’ll tell me the next day that he has to go to work and we will get dinner. little do i know after work he will go to his friends house and will call me to hangout around 10pm. or when i try to make plans with him, he is tired from work. i’ve been with this man for 9 years and we don’t have any fun.

[historectomy]

is your relationship ok, like do you talk a lot, enjoy each others company, have sex often

[historectomy]

i do think going out together is important but i like to stay at home myself so i can't blame the guy

[Asker]

no to all three. it’s probably in my head. i more than likely have real high expectations in my relationship, but i don’t feel like it’s okay. we have argued a lot these past couple of years. he has done a lot of damage with my trust in him and damaged in my self esteem and confidence. when he had instagram, he DMed a lot of girls telling them they are pretty, he liked and followed a bunch of bikini girls, he talked to a handful of them telling them he will take them out on a date, he screen shot a lot of bikini pictures, he has talked down on me a lot. we got pregnant last year and unfortunately lost it at 5 weeks and he told me that i killed it and the only child i’ll ever have is a miscarriage one, he has told me that i’m not special, he has called me stupid. every mistake he has told me that he is sorry and he was drunk and it’ll never happen again. i forgave him, but those actions and words are still in my heart.

[Asker]

he loves to go out. he goes to his friends house all the time but when it’s time to hangout with me all he wants to do is stay home.

[historectomy]

he does sound like a bad fiance, if you wanna message me on my account feel free

[historectomy]

i really don't have the life experience to know what to do here tho my gut is telling me that starting over is better but i have been wrong before

[historectomy]

if you need to talk tho i am free to listen it sounds rough

[slatyb]

Why are you with this guy? He gets to live his life, but you don't?

[EmmaMary]

I seem to remember reading all this nonsense not so long ago.

[AngryCarl2]

So tell him you're going and he can come if he wants, but you're not bothered either way.

[Anonymous]

It shouldn't be up to him. Time to find a guy who treats you with respect.

[Anonymous]

Because he is a wonderful, sweet guy who wants whats best for you. Which clearly is to not go to that pool party. Your boyfriend sounds like an amazing dude, be sure to thank him for being so awesome!

[gothbxtch]

not “letting” you go to anything is a massive red flag

[Hispanic-Cool-Guy]

This is your fault, not your fiancé. If your man doesn't want to go then fine, but you should have gone to enjoy yourself.

[Anonymous]

He doubts your loyalty. Perhaps he has good reason too.

[boobliker]

give him his ring back first now do you understand?

[Anonymous]

He sounds controlling. Maybe think things through very carefully before you make things official and are trapped.

[Celticwolf78]

That's a start to a bad marriage if he doesn't trust you enough time to get rid of him before it gets worse

[Jazzy54]

Won’t let you? 🚩🚩🚩

[Wise4myage]

That'd horse crap, I say go anyway.

[ButthurtGAGpeople1]

Are you by chance the wife of Mike Pence?

[Luckycharms12]

Maybe he is insacure you find some else

[EaterPeter]

controlling, insecure, jealous?