What shall I do about this affair?

[AJ8592]

I met a woman through work last year and it was definitely obvious we both found each other attractive. However I had a girlfriend and didn't know her situation. I then broke up with my girlfriend in march. This girl who I knew from you work contacted me & told me she liked me and wanted to take the opportunity in case I become unavailable again. So began talking over the phone for a few weeks and it was positive and quite a lot of flirting. Then she tells me she has a boyfriend and has been with him 10yrs.

I told her I wasn't interested in an affair and that we can be friends but would be open if her situation changed. She accepted this and we kept things just friendly. I then went away on holiday. The morning of she asked if she could see me before I went... We met up and before I left she kissed me and I kissed her back, our chat whilst away was more flirtatious. We returned and she became much more foreward with me and we met some more and kissed & talked. She then told me she had feelings for me and was thinking of leaving her boyfriend.

Which about a week later I thought she had because her whole way of her changed, she invited me round to her house and then she even stopped at mine and had sex and told me I'm in her "head and heart" and has talked about future plans with me.

So since then she has returned to more sporadic contact but still having sex with me and expressing how much she likes me. I feel like she more than likely has not left the boyfriend.

But am wondering how to approach the conversation about the elephant in the room and trying to clarifying what the deal is. I really like her but am starting to wonder if I get hurt.

[Oliverlogan263]

This is a complex situation with no easy answers. Here are some things to consider:

• Having an affair with someone in a relationship is risky and hurts everyone involved. It's best to avoid this type of situation in the future.

• The woman seems confused and unsure about what she wants. Her mixed signals and hot/cold behavior suggest she may still have feelings for both you and her boyfriend.

• Continuing in secret does not bode well for either relationship. Affairs breed deceit, lies and mistrust that poison even genuine feelings.

• If she leaves her boyfriend for you, there's a risk she may do the same thing to you in the future. Affairs often show character flaws, not true passion.

• You deserve clarity about the situation and where this relationship is headed. The only way forward is open, honest communication - but that starts with coming clean about the affair.

• Coming clean carries risks - her boyfriend may find out, work relationships may be affected, etc. But secrecy only breeds more confusion and pain.

• If she's not ready or willing to leave her current relationship for you, you have a decision to make about continuing or ending this affair. Only you can decide your boundaries and dealbreakers.

In summary, while your feelings are understandable, continuing in secrecy likely only ends in hurt for all involved. The best course of action may be coming clean, having an open discussion about wants/needs, and deciding together if an honest relationship is possible - or walking away if not. Affairs often sound romantic but rarely have a healthy foundation. I hope this perspective provides some clarity and next steps. Please let me know if you have any other questions.

[JB2255]

Yea I would be pretty careful in that spot, if you really do have feelings for her I would be a bit worried. Sounds like she doesn't want to break up with her boyfriend really (I mean she may but if she liked you that much she should've done it already). Also keep in mind if she is willing to (probably) cheat on her boyfriend with you then who's not to say if you get into a relationship she'll cheat on you.

[Pinay_ako]

Yea she’s playing you both

[ProbablyClueless]

Brrrrrro... you're the side piece. She ain't leaving anything for you. She knows she can already have you without jeopardizing her long term relationship.

You WILL have your heart broken.

[Iron_Man]

Bad deal man you’re not loyal that’s not how you run a relationship looking for the next better girl getting rid of the other one and how do you know if she’s even better the new girl. And you don’t do affairs. Shakes my head

[boobliker]

I think you should let he be with her boyfriend, and move on with your life.

[SnowedIn]

@_Maya_ ... I have no words. Please help.

[_Maya_]

Yeah so here is the thing. Always cheat up. Bigger dick, faster car, maybe pay raise. Stupid to cheat down or at the same level. Like why would you trade bubble gum for jolly rancher. Makes no sense. You got it all wrong dude. The elephant in the room is your cheating skills.

[_Maya_]

I can't even take these seriously anymore so that is the response they get. 🙎‍♀️

[SnowedIn]

@_Maya_ ... just the car and the pay raise, is that enough?

[AJ8592]

@_Maya_ what are you even talking about? I'm single.