My marriage has been crumbling for years, we stay together for the kids. When do we say enough?

[Twincapersredmomma]

I’ve been with my husband since 2013.
His parents always hated me because I wasn’t religious enough for them, not their race or their culture.
He cheated on me many times in the first few years.
He said he stopped. We got pregnant out of wedlock with our first in 2016 after years of asking for their permission to marry.

The pregnancy was hard, I was in and out of the hospital and we almost didn’t survive. He was gone a lot for work but we got married while he had a break.
I found out after we got married the cheating never stopped. He begged me to stay. I was pregnant and scared so I did. Plus I had no one else to count on or to help anyway.
His parents didn’t talk to us until after I gave birth and they made us apologize for what we put them through.
It’s been various levels of apathy, hell, fighting etc since.
The only thing we have in common is sexual attraction but after two kids (we had a second in 2020), I am about 15 pounds heavier and he’s pushing hard for me to get plastic surgery. Full mommy makeover and sends me tons of pictures of women with so much surgery all day. So combined with the cheating and now that he obviously wants me to get extensive surgery. I just feel awful 24-7.

Each time he hurt me and I stayed it seemed to make him love me more. Each time he hurt me and I stayed it killed me more and more. Now I don’t even know what’s left but I feel like a shell.
One of my coworkers, an older guy who just started. Probably 20 years older than me, has started talking to me, literally just talking and treating me like a person. Caring what I say. I had forgotten what it felt like to be listened to for my thoughts. I feel like I’ve been turned on again, like I’m alive again, like I can be allowed to think and have feelings again. I don’t even care about a sexual relationship with the coworker, I don’t know if he does. It’s more that he treated me like an equal and made me realize how I’ve shut off my feelings

[caring__1]

Though kids selfishly want their parents to stay together, that is the worst thing you can do for them. Kids are better off with stable parents apart than unstable parents together. You are showing them a role model of how to be and what to expect from a partner. Do you really want to pass these dysfunctional patterns on to a new generation.

Since we know this isn't really what's in the best interest of the children, you're choosing to stay because you believe it is easier. Don't take the easy way out. Your self-esteem will suffer. You'll face added challenges by leaving, but those added challenges will build your self-esteem and confidence.

My son's mom and I split when he was in kindergarten. When he was a junior in high school, he came up to me and said, "I'm so glad you and my mom are divorced. It's allowing me to see each of you as individuals rather than reactions to each other. This allows me to clearly see what behavioral patterns are functional and which ones are dysfunctional. This makes it easier for me to choose which patterns I want to take on for myself."

[Twincapersredmomma]

It’s scary, I’ll be honest. I’ve wanted to leave for years but I keep hoping it’ll get better. I just don’t know if I want it to anymore. Maybe there just been too much water under the bridge.
I look at him and I see he is attractive but I am not attracted. I don’t want him sexually. All I see is the hurt.

[caring__1]

I understand it is scary, but staying longer won't make it easier to leave, and, if he hasn't shown a significant pattern of change by now, the likelihood of him changing is slim to nil. The sooner you leave, the greater the likelihood you'll find a more ideal place in life. I couldn't believe the weight off my shoulders when I was notified the divorce was final. Even though I am still alone, I am much happier now than I was when I was married.

[Twincapersredmomma]

That’s the thing, I just kinda want to be alone. I just want to focus on me and our kids.
And dear god, I’m so sick of living above his family, we are in a duplex, then on bottom me and the kids (him when he is home) on top
I literally can’t go anywhere, with or without the kids, without a million questions. They are so controlling. I hate it. I took my kids to a park 9 minutes away and his parents acted like I was driving to another state because there is a park 2 minutes away.

[abc3643]

Since your youngest is 3, you have 15 more years of Hell to go through if you are staying together for the kids. I knew a woman who did that; I went to the high school graduation party of her youngest child and, I don't think a month later, she moved out of her home with her husband. She wanted to be free and was probably counting the days until she could be.

Don't waste your life.

Consider watching "An Unmarried Woman". It was a landmark film when it came out in 1978.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ecUHFT9ezIk

https://mubi.com/en/us/films/an-unmarried-woman

[ShesRad80]

you could try therapy, but at the end of the day have a long talk with each other. if you both are not happy come to the decision to separate. all the surgery he is pushing for is only a temporary band aid to the actual problem. you two need to have a sit down honest talk about the state of your relationship and what you both want and need for the future. life is short, as long as you act like adults around the kids they will adapt, divorce/separation is never easy but how you two both act toward each other during the process is a huge game changer. life doesn't always work out like you plan, you out grow each other, fall out of live, it happens we are human. Goodluck and wishing you the best

[WhitneySnow]

You need to divorce your husband. He treats you terribly. I would just be friends with your coworker for now. You don’t need more drama in your life.

[OlderAndWiser]

You already know the answer to your question. You're just afraid to take action and start the process.

[Twincapersredmomma]

It’s the catch 22 of what’s worse for the kids, divorce parents or apathetic parents
I don’t see either of us being evil to the other but we won’t be happy either

[OlderAndWiser]

My parents stayed together because of their children so we grew up with dysfunctional role models and no idea of what a good relationship should be.

[Noahzayed-]

I realized that you used the word “we” a lot In sentences that Involved you as an Individual.

This shows how close you two are and you probably still love him.

My advice, This is an important topic and decision and this isn’t the right place for It.

I get that you want to talk about It and this is your safe place but never take a decision from random people who won't get affected by It.

[Twincapersredmomma]

I do have love for him. I know it would crush him, to separate and I don’t want to hurt him but god I’m so tired of being hurt myself.

[Noahzayed-]

I understand your pain but It would be selfish of me to tell you what I think of your situation because In reality I would never be able to fully understand your situation.

All I can say is stay strong and think It through with logic and reasoning.

[FunkyMonkee]

My parents were good friends with this couple for decades and, about 20 years ago, for reasons I've still never heard about, they decided to separate! They still love each other and see each other once in a while but, they no longer live together. No idea if they still consider themselves to be married but, the kids don't seem to be too put off by it. They're all roughly my age or younger.

[Twincapersredmomma]

I don’t hate him, I have love for him but I am not in love and I think we make each other miserable

[FunkyMonkee]

Okay, sounds like a separation is in order.

[DextroShade]

Your kids' well-being us more important than your own happiness. Leaving your husband and wrecking your family would be incredibly selfish.

[DerekC321]

Can you separate? This is so not right.

[Twincapersredmomma]

We just moved to his home town. We stay in one half of a duplex with his family. He is rarely here due to work.
There’s no where to go

[DerekC321]

Maybe just keep your distance until you can find someone better.

[Mallic00]

Do you really think an unstable household where the parents hate each other is best for the kids?

[slatyb]

Get the hell out. It's enough.