I have been with my girlfriend for 2 years, we live on opposite coasts of the US, and since I wasn't able to find a high paying job where she lives in time to sign another lease where my current job is located, she is planning to move and live together next month. There is an age gap between us, I am now in my 40s and she is in her late 20s; but over the last couple of months I have realized that she is very immature for her age, financially irresponsible, and makes irresponsible decisions.
- Last year she got arrested for being in a group of her friends who stole a phone from someone at a bar. Even though she didn't participate, she agreed to a misdemeanor charge. I had to pay for her fines, attorneys, classes, and court costs.
- She got asylum to live in the US, came from Colombia so she can't work right now. She is able to find odd jobs like a bottle girl at bars and cleaning businesses and apartments. But she spends all of her money on things like Jordan's, Gucci hats, and doesn't pay her light bill or internet which should be a priority. Before I knew about her spending, I had given her a credit card to help make ends meet, but she maxed out my card.
- She stays up all night out with friends, goes to bed at 6 in the morning and sleeps until 1 in the afternoon. Given the time difference, the first conversation I have with her is 4 in the afternoon most days. The rest of her time is on social media.
- The lies: Told me she paid all the bills that I helped her pay to find out that she had a $400 light bill, $200 internet and I had to bail her out. Told me she was working, but discovered she went to Las Vegas and lied telling me the photos were old. (She made a charge on my credit card in Vegas).
I want to talk to her about getting serious about her life, our relationship, be more financially responsible or I am going to have to walk away, but I don't know how to not get her upset to have this conversation.
What Girls Said
Wow so yeah... these are some massive red flags. I will be honest and say that if it were me I would have split a while ago. Girl seems like a trainwreck. I guess good on ya for wanting to help her get her life straight. Sounds like her friends are not a good influence on her either. That might be the hardest thing to change because you don't want to come off as controlling but they are clearly a problem. You are just going to have to bite the bullet and come out with it and be straight with her. If she gets mad so be it. She needs to change her lifestyle and if she can't take the criticism and agree to work on it that will tell you all you need to know.
Thanks. I think that I have stuck with the relationship because I have seen a lot of positive changes and that she is trying, but she seems to revert back into a lot of irresponsible behavior. If I didn't see her making an effort on at least some things, I couldn't be with her anymore. I do need to talk to her about it though, I don't want her to be living with me and keep doing these things when all I want is peace in my life. My hope is that she doesn't know many people where I live that she will be away from the negative influences and begin acting her age. But I do need to have this conversation with her so she knows my expectation is that she begins to get serious about her life and our relationship.
Totally agree with you. You are at a point in life where dealing with this sort of stuff should be a thing of the past. It definitely needs discussed. I would measure her attitude and response to the discussion. You say you see some positive changes but she reverts back. That is a bad sign but not atypical of people. You really can't change who you are. Many try but end up right back where they were. I hope it works out for you and good luck to ya.
First things first, stop bailing her out when she gets in trouble. She’s not your wife. Second, you need to get out of this relationship. Don’t worry about sparing her feelings, she’s not good for you! If you’re worried about retaliation, get a restraining order. Marriage is not going to fix everything, it’s not going to change her, it’s not going to solve your problems. Marriage is going to magnify the problems. Do yourself a favor, be wise about who you choose for a wife. Do your future children a favor, be wise about who you choose to be their mother. Don’t choose this woman!
you just straight up tell her. I don't know how relationship is in western culture but in my culture we are frank of course if you are being rude like yellinh that could lead to very heated argument but if yoy are just reprimanding i think that's fine. tip toenf i could not imagine havinh that kind of relationship