Poor boundaries or no?

[Anonymous]

My girlfriend and I have been living together for close to a year. She left her husband who she has a kid with and now lives with me. There was some icky stuff in there and had to work through a few things. Still working through them. My problem right now is that there’s no clear boundary further pick ups and some sense. When she shows up to pick up her daughter, she goes in and gets her ready and can be there from anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour. Just getting her ready. Because of some of the history I told her I’m not really comfortable with us and he hast to have some responsibility and getting the child ready. If he can’t, then there are other things we can do like making a place where he has to have her ready and leave for an exchange. She’s fighting back pretty hard saying she’s done with him and there’s nothing there. However, she’s also saying she’s going to go there to get her daughter ready whenever she wants or needs to because she doesn’t trust him to have her ready which I find to be complete crap. it’s fairly consistent how often she’s in and out. He also calls her pretty regularly and sends her text messages fairly regularly and most of it is just chitchat and him trying to joke around or just talk. She generally will engage or answer the calls. They have a kid together and get their needs to be some sort of conversation. However, I’m not trying to control anything. It just seems a little excessive. I’m his part and she’s entertaining it. Just a few months ago he sent her a message that he missed her and loved her. To me from there. It should’ve been some clear boundaries with him. Just wondering what everyone’s thoughts are. I told her I’m not comfortable with it, and there needs to be some sort of stability to the exchanges and our relationship when it comes to our exes as I have children also, in the same breath she’s telling me it’s about her daughter and she’s going to do what’s best for her. It seems really she’s doing what’s best for her.

[ta-ra]

He is her ex for a reason. Was he mentally abusive towards her? She may have a hard time changing what she is used to. He may be irresponsible and not great at taking care of his child which she will do out of instinct. No girl is going to front the bill for a guy she doesn't love or appreciate. I feel like there is more to this dynamic then what's written here.
As a woman we can get really beat down by guys we love and trust for years before we finally surrender and say I've had enough. But that doesn't erase years of being hardwired to do everything ourselves. It seems like this is the case. The reason for her push back is probably linked to same issues. Her ex probably bossed her around or tried to control her so when you say things like that she gets defensive because she doesn't want to repeat what she just got out of. If you need more context please feel free to DM.

[Asker]

It won’t let me message you. He was neglectful towards her but he was not controlling. He let her do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted.

He absolutely is irresponsible, and that was a big part of the downfall. I get hurt in meeting and wanting to help. All I’ve asked for is communication. It comes across to me as I will do whatever I want. Instead of, he might, daughter isn’t getting ready and I’m here right now. I might be a little while just trying to help get her ready instead of disappearing for an hour while the guys still blowing up, her phone tagging her to call him when he doesn’t have her kid.

I really appreciate about being hardwired. She definitely when it comes to him. Does just about everything. That makes very logical sense to me. She can’t trust him to do anything.

Where part of this stems from for me, and I left it out, as my lack of involvement in her life. I’m not allowed to go to her daughters events. This means any sports or school functions or religious stuff that she is in. When I say not allowed, it’s literally I am not allowed. This also goes for her family. When she has family events, at this point in time, I am not allowed to go. Her friends and family do not know I exist because how she chose to the previous relationship. It’s been a year and it’s becoming a very big struggle. Maybe that will help with why I feel the way I do. My daughters mother had an ax. She also had a kid with, and I have no problems there. I also wasn’t excluded from the majority of her life.

[ta-ra]

I'll fix my settings so you can dm me.

[Staximus]

This woman has been living with you for a year now and you are not allowed to go to her family events and her friends and family don't know you exist? That's a huge red flag dude. It sounds like they probably think she's still with her husband. If she left her husband for you then that's also a huge red flag. You shouldn't fool around with a married woman and this is what happens when you do.

[Asker]

I think it’s me. It says I don’t have enough xper

[Asker]

@Staximus I knew that going into how it all went down. at least for the first few months. Not this far in.

[ta-ra]

I don't think that's right to have you excluded from anything, especially if she had already introduced you to her child.
Personally I think she has a lot of things she needs to work out within herself before she got into a relationship with you. She got extremely lucky to get someone like you who accepted her, her kid and her problems and you deserve to be treated as such. Not many men would take on a single mother and be willing to help them out. She should count her blessings that you love her and are trying. I think she should be a little more respectful towards you.

[MzAsh]

Everything you’ve said is exactly what I’d expect in someone who has a child with an ex. Which is why I’ve never dated a guy with a child. I don’t know what else you can expect.

[Asker]

I don’t think expecting her to be clear with him is something unreasonable. It makes dealing with coparenting much more clear

[dudeinohio]

My ex and I get along well. I've gone over to. help with the house. We communicate regularly. There is never anything romantic, though. My wife is ok with this. We have 2 kids together. My wife is cool with all this.

Your case is similar, but her ex includes a romantic component. I'd put a stop. to that.

[Asker]

How could I put a stop to that?

[dudeinohio]

You discuss it with her and tell. her how negatively it affects you.

[Avicenna]

Well, this is one of the reasons why I tell guys not to date single moms- you will inevitably be affected by the dysfunction in their life. Your desire for boundaries to be set is reasonable, but try to find some compromise with her. If she won't, I'd think about ending things.

[Asker]

Thanks. My ex had a child with another person and there were no problems like this. I keep trying to explain to her. I’m just asking for some consistent boundaries to make things easier for everybody. To me, it’s very clear he likes to keep some form of communication due to his emotional outbursts to her. despite her claiming she doesn’t care about him or his feelings and it’s easiest for her is less understandable because she won’t sack clear boundaries. I am considering ending it. He was messaging her about two weeks ago and was begging for her to call and she would not let me see the messages. She reassured me and told me I had nothing to worry about so she ended up reading them to me, but didn’t let me see.

[Avicenna]

Yeah, well, that's unacceptable

[Asker]

Agreed. Thank yiu

[TipsyFr]

Ended up reading them to me, but didn’t let me see there’s some weird ass bs going on right there. That’s her hiding something I’d be out like a light in that situation 👎

[Asker]

@TipsyFr thank you. Pretty sure that’s where this is going

[Anonymous]

Doesn't sound 100% over, at least for him and she probably likes having the control over him and that he's not forgotten her.
If she is happy with the current situation, you are going to find it hard imposing your will on her.
One of many problems with dating a single mother.

[DextroShade]

Bro, this is one of the biggest reasons why you shouldn't date a single mother: unless the baby daddy is dead he can always be in her life to some extent and will always have access. I guarantee you that she has had sex with him at least once since you started dating. You need to demote her to recreational use only and seek a new girl because this shit is only going to get worse for you.

[Surely]

She seems like she is a woman that you will always be sucking hind tit. As they say. When it comes to her daughter.
Some ways you should appreciate her feeling that way about her flesh and blood.
But now is the time to cut your losses and run for the hills. If you are having problems and bad feelings about your current relationship.

[ShesRad80]

they have unfinished business it seems and sounds really exhausting to be honest, if your relationship progresses even more are you willing to live another 10 years like this? is what you have to ask yourself.

[PrincessBunBuns]

she’s still seeing her ex mans. what more can i say

[Asker]

I definitely don’t think they are having sex.. they didn’t for years which is one of the reasons they split

[LazerBean]

I don't know why you would expect better from an adulteress.

[WhitneySnow]

I don’t understand what you’re upset about. It sounds like he misses her and she doesn’t miss him.

[Asker]

What I am struggling with yes, but NML part with him. She has also had messages from me that are from him which has fueled this.

[Asker]

What I am struggling with is not the coparenting part but the boundaries part with him*

[WhitneySnow]

But she’s not cheating on you, so what’s the problem? It’s not like she’s encouraging him to have feelings for her or anything.

[Asker]

I think lack of being clear encourages it.

[WhitneySnow]

Why do you feel like she’s being unclear?

[Asker]

It’s hard to easily explain. It’s the consistent communication that’s not parenting paired with her availability to him. When you introduce those things with his emotional reaching out, it comes across as if it is not clear to him because she won’t actually address it with him. On top of that, her address is still there. She won’t bring me around to pretty much anything. It’s a slew of issues. She’s asking for time to sort it out and I’m trying. It just seems like there isn’t much from her end

[WhitneySnow]

I think you should give her time to sort it out and not freak out

[BoopBoopBeep]

Yeah she needs to go. There's so much inappropriate behavior there. You can do better.

[Asker]

Thanks

[Cmg8890]

Anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour? Come on it’s not hard to figure out what’s most likely going on in there. That’s a slap in the face! Especially if she’s leaving you out in the car! You look like a fool

[Asker]

I’m not in the car lol.. she usually gets her after work.

[Cmg8890]

Well does it make the situation any better or worse in your opinion…? Lol

[Cmg8890]

Well does it make the situation any better or worse in your opinion…? Poor boundaries I don't know

[magiusX26]

you are being played. she's still with him, letting you pay her bills.

[Asker]

She’s actually helping me. She’s worse off financially being here with me and I’m better off financially. Another reason why I can’t wrap my head around her behavior

[Socaljp]

Nah man, she should not be picking up her daughter at his house. Screw that noise. I'd pack her shit and send her back to that fool. There is no way she should be going to the house let alone going inside. Sounds like she still banging the guy.

[love_conquers_lust]

You don’t seem to have a clue how women work, man.

[Asker]

Please elaborate

[Guido]

It's obvious she is not done with her ex yet. When i picked up my kids from my ex she wouldn't let me stepnfoot in the door, just shoved the kids out.

[Asker]

That’s how I do feel. At the same time I’m conflicted because she does only go in when her daughter won’t get ready. She also only goes there for the picks ups. I pushed the issue with her and it sounds like she’s very controlling. Basically the gist that her ex doesn’t clean, but food, or take good care of the kid so mothers him by telling him what he needs to do. I just feel like there is something she’s holding onto. I wonder if it’s the guilt she feels for splitting the family?

[KrakenAttackin]

He's the baby daddy and you are the new guy fucking her. Of course it upsets him and the daughter I am sure. What did you expect bro?

[Anonymous]

It’s not up to you to tell her how to co parent. If u keep that up then you’ll split up. She doesn’t need you bossing her around.

[Asker]

Nothing I said is bossing her around. It’s not a coparenting issue. I’ve encouraged them to talk and encourage them to resolve issues together and post to be a part of their kids life. Asking for boundaries when it comes to your ex message you and tells you he loves you and misses you all are going in and out of his life. It’s not coparenting. But consistent phone calls and text messages that are not coparenting are what I’m referring to.

[Opinion Owner]

Ok but it’s none of your business to encourage them how to go about their child.

[Asker]

I’m not involved in what goes on with their child. What I asked has to do with between them. He is trying to be romantic. She avoids that but doesn’t take a clear stance.

[Iron_Man]

Is she officially divorced?

[Asker]

No she’s not. She can’t afford it at the moment.

[Iron_Man]

That’s not a good idea to be committing adultery to somebody that’s still
married

[Jamie05rhs]

She's lying to you. Dump her immediately.

[msc545]

she is having sex with him