Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you?

[caring__1]

Updates

7 mo

Telling me you don't doesn't answer this question. I'm looking to understand those who do. Obviously, it makes sense to them to hold onto these ghostly illusions, so I would like to see it through their eyes to understand their reasons for holding onto disappointment rather than discovering the happiness they claim they want.

[DaveJord]

Okay, Okay... I got this one. The answer is SEX.

Okay, for real now. We all know of the "all the girls want are the Bad Boys" and the good guys never win. Thats kind of a BS statement but follow me here...

Some of the best sex of my life has been with the bad girls my man. And when you know you got the tiger by the tail... you just hold on and enjoy the ride for as long as it lasts. Because we all know it's going to end in flaming car wreck, and you don't even care. Because she is hot, and she is laying it on me. Thats God honest truth.

And don't lie to me brother. When it's over you are relieved... but that woman never really leaves your mind. And you ask yourself, could it have ever worked? Because if you think about all the good times, and adventures taken, and weekend get aways are over... and you ask yourself, if any of the things said were true or at least half true... it could of worked. But you just know how stupid that is to believe.

Did you really ever want it to work, or did you both know on some level what it was? Did we, as in she and I ever really want that? Or was what it was better?

I think we both wanted the joy and thrill of the ride.

In that way we both got what we wanted.

But that woman never completely leaves your mind.

[caring__1]

I've never seen a relationship based purely on sex that had any depth or lasting power. I'm not saying you won't savor the memory of the thrill ride, but that won't comfort you in your old age. There are too many dimensions to a healthy relationship to believe one amazing dimension will hold the relationship together long-term.

[DaveJord]

Well I agree... but these types of relationships that you are specifically asking about... when you seemingly want it to work more than her... well these are the types of relationships I have experienced. Where I want it to work more then she did, or she did more then I... or maybe neither of did bit sex was amazing.

[caring__1]

If it doesn't work for both and have value to both, it really won't work for either in the long run. How we approach a short-term relationship is much different from how we approach a long-term relationship. Hopefully we learn the difference and are comfortable with the results.

[Randogirl491]

Looking back I think I was literally crazy in love. My heart would shout the truth to me but my delusions were shouting louder. I was just THAT in love with him. Looking for any sign that he could be feeling the same and ignoring the obvious signs that he didn't. There was a brief time period where he did like me, I held onto it and couldn't let go. I realize now how psycho that was. I know it's up to me to not be crazy but I remember crying texting him to just say the words and explicitly shut me down and I would leave him alone, because I just couldn't do it myself. He kept saying these vague things that would sound like he did like me, and then would use these implicit but genuine feeling ways to tell me he actually didn't. It was like he couldn't bear to tell me the truth so he lied, but the truth of his feelings would just show through everything he did. Everything being so vague allowed my deluded self to dismiss or entertain what I wanted. Even when he tried ghosting me it wasn't enough, I would always end up messaging him at some point because he didn't block me and he would cave in and reply at some point. I wonder why he never said "I don't want to be with you" I know I would have dropped it. I still can't point out what is it that was wrong with me that made me act like this as I was normal with my friends. Anyways, I think that there are probably other reasons people do that. I feel like maybe my experience is a little extreme and that most people who do that do it for different reasons.

[caring__1]

People choose to be vague and general, as that limits their vulnerability and accountability. We're so used to people overreacting that we assume any reaction will be an overreaction. If we're vague and general, we can always say we were misinterpreted or misunderstood. Let's say you're making love with someone and they start doing something. You say "What are you doing?" and the other person responds with "I was just stretching." Your ex didn't want to make a clear statement, as he didn't want to be blamed for things not working, yet didn't want to put all the blame on you, either. He hoped you'd just disappear on your own. Don't expect others to clearly end things and give us closure. If it isn't working, and you've done all you can to address what is within your control, let go and move on. It's unlikely to improve by holding on.

You got a taste of what you hoped for, and that taste was so enticing you found it hard to let go of a possible repeat. Always view a potential relationship based on the total package, not just a snapshot of frozen time. Anyone can be perfect for a moment. It's the consistent pattern over time that makes a relationship truly meaningful.

[Randogirl491]

I totally agree with what you said about his reasons for not wanting to be clear and hoping I would just disappear. It's highly likely what happened. I know you shouldn't expect people to have the courtesy of being honest with you, but like I said I was this crazy into my thing that I just couldn't drop it and move on. I know for sure It's not happening to me again, lol.

[caring__1]

I'm glad you're learning from your experiences. I agree it would be nice if people were clear, open and honest, but, for that to happen, make sure the other person always feels safe. That won't happen if you ever allow yourself to accuse, blame, criticize, demand, rationalize, yell or tell others what they should or shouldn't do. Sometimes people have been traumatized in their past, so they may be reacting to their past trauma that they've projected onto you, and you'll never have any control over that. Just focus on what is within your control, and that would be your choices, your words and your actions. Before you say or do anything, ask yourself whether you'd appreciate (not just tolerate) being on the receiving end of what you plan to dish out. If you wouldn't appreciate it, come up with an alternative.

[Screenwriter]

it's that old saw: Some people want to pursue those who don't want them.

This doesn't mean the person doesn't like them or have some affection for them, but the relationship is completely out of balance. Instead of 50/50 or 60/40, it's more like 90/10. In addition, the unwilling partner is also unwilling to give up the overly involved partner. Mostly because they're getting lots of strokes from being the center of attention...

And what about the "90?" The "90" likes the challenge of the pursuit and mistakenly believes the more love they shower on the 10, maybe one day, it'll all even out.

More than likely this has to do with a dysfunctional home of origin where the child pursued an unaffectionate parent, and could never please them, or get what they needed emotionally.

It's unhealthy and sad.

[caring__1]

I agree. You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. Convincing oneself we have the ability to change others will always be dysfunctional. An unbalanced relationship will always lead to frustration and disappointment.

We can find things to blame for these patterns, but blame never solved anything. People have a tendency to blame their parents for how they turned out. As long as they continue to blame, they'll continue looking backward into the past, preventing them from ever moving forward. On the other hand, we can say "I realize I'm a result of my parents, but now that I know it, where am I, where do I want to be and how can I go about getting there?"

[Screenwriter]

After you're an adult, it's useless to "blame" your parents unless they were the odious and most uncaring sorts: i. e. drug addicts, physically abusive, direly neglectful. Children are resilient in most cases, even after suffering abuse.

As an adult, most people realize they are finally in control and can alter their tragetories if they work on themselves. The main result from your parents is your genetics. If you had good parents, and got positive upbringing, you're just a little more ready to face the world. If not, a group of good counselors can support you through that work with some good friends and other family.

[caring__1]

I agree that we are in control of ourselves, but you'd be surprised how many people I've encountered who felt unable to make the changes necessary to take control of their life. They constantly blame, even though they know setting blame doesn't change anything. Some people feel so stuck that even therapy is a waste of time, as all they do in therapy is attempt to convince the therapist they are right, and they are the innocent victim.

[Screenwriter]

Sounds like a personality disorder. Which is a mental illness in itself and very sad. It's terribly difficult to treat personality disorders. Sort of like it's terribly hard to treat pedophiles. There's always the underlying problem and only medication and lifelong therapy commitment will allow them to function marginally well.

[Fireguy17]

I wouldn't.
Why waste my time, but to some it's challenge accepted.
Then once the get her the thrill is gone and they move on in a lot of cases.

[OlderAndWiser]

Not me! If she doesn't want me, I'm outta there!

[Sweetsurprize]

What do you mean?

Are you talking about after a break up?

Or if the person never gave you a chance to date them in the first place? Like an initial rejection? So that all depends on what you are talking about..

If it's the former, it's because I AM HUMAN and I DO tend to miss the physical, if not emotional connection I had with the person. I don't know about you, but I'm not some saddistic, evil person that I would FORGET the person completely or something, I don't have BRAIN DAMAGE like that. But it seems like my ex does lol. Or he is just really good at showing that he doesn't care anymore about me and what beautiful thing I thought we had. I guess I am reminiscing and being nostalgic for nothing since he didn't even want to continue those feelings of joy, excitement and attachment. I must be pathetic. 😞

[caring__1]

I see too many people on this site wanting to know how they can hold onto dysfunctional relationships. It doesn't matter if we're talking about a breakup, an initial rejection or a disconnected partner. I can understand reminiscing about pleasant times in the past, but dwelling on them, or fantasies of what could or should have been, and not moving forward to live one's own life makes no sense to me. Only we have the ability to move forward and create what we want. Holding onto the past, or a fantasy that never actually existed, only prevents us from having the life we claim we want.

Let's say you can't let go of your first car, because of all the memories associated with it. It is falling apart and costing you a fortune, yet you won't replace it. Finally it totally dies, and you mourn its loss. People tell you to get a new car, but you feel you can't, as getting a replacement will minimize the value that car held for you. Every aspect of your life suffers, as you now have no transportation at all.

When we think of anything, the first thing that pops into our mind is our last experience of that thing. We tend to hold onto and elaborate on that memory to fill the void in our life. Until we find a replacement that works as well, if not better, for us, we'll continue to live in the past and prevent ourselves from having a present and future. I can understand the importance of mourning a loss, but how long do we dwell on that loss before we take a positive turn in our life?

[Sweetsurprize]

First, that's a CAR you are talking about, not a human being. And some people DO keep their first loves in the garage, I've seen my old neighbor do it to his car from even the fifties. He did finally get rid of it but it took a VERY long time for that to happen.

{I can understand reminiscing about pleasant times in the past, but dwelling on them, or fantasies of what could or should have been, and not moving forward to live one's own life makes no sense to me. Only we have the ability to move forward and create what we want. Holding onto the past, or a fantasy that never actually existed, only prevents us from having the life we claim we want.} For you to think that people are THAT easily replace is rather cruel in my opinion. No WONDER divorce is so popular! So I guess, working with your loved one toward an end goal is not a thing anymore! I think people are just way too selfish/self-serving these days, including my ex.

... Are you the type of person that, if you were diagnosed with terminal cancer or some other incurable illness, you would rather take yourself out instead of trying to find ways to find a cure or at least live out your remaining days as well as you can? And don't tell me that's different because in a close, intimate relationship, that couple can VERY WELL be one unit! That's if both people are even CAPABLE of deep, supportive love! Not just for one's self but for another human being!

[cont'd]

[Sweetsurprize]

People love too lightly. It's like a job. They get tired of their job, they quit or leave. Makes sense but I think a relationship is more important than that!

{When we think of anything, the first thing that pops into our mind is our last experience of that thing.} Nope! again, not everyone is the same in mentality. Please don't generalize people like that.

{ Until we find a replacement that works as well, if not better, for us, we'll continue to live in the past and prevent ourselves from having a present and future. I can understand the importance of mourning a loss, but how long do we dwell on that loss before we take a positive turn in our life?} Thing is, it's ALWAYS a risk. What if we NEVER, EVER find anyone like her/him again! With those cute dimples, with those cute smile, mannerisms, the way they did certain things. This doesn't really apply to losing someone you had a child with though, but I hope you get what I mean!

People so easily throw people away these days it's very sad in my opinion!

[Sweetsurprize]

So yeah, I disagree with you. I think people these days just throw away people too easily instead of staying too long like you claim..

I also feel that a lot of people (maybe you included) have a GRASS IN GREENER syndrome. They are always trying to look for the next best thing and never settle. Next thing you know, they're 65, balding, aging and aching and they find themselves alone, in a bar, single and wondering why none of their past relationships ever worked out, and they don't have any lasting legacies like children or whatever. They just have their cats/dogs to keep them company. Or their other family and neices/nephews that visit only twice a year.

[caring__1]

It's not about people being easily replaced. No one can be replaced. You can't undo your past experiences. The object is to find opportunities to continue having new experiences for the rest of your life. Getting a new pet after your pet dies isn't about replacing that pet. All my pets have been unique, and I still savor the memories of each of them.

Divorce is popular because people find it easier to replace than work on the relationship, but no matter how much you know about relationships, you can't force another person to be open to having a healthy partnership. Once either partner has given up and thrown in the towel, continuing to hold on is just like kicking a dead horse. Without two people working as a team to create and nurture a healthy relationship, nothing remaining is worth holding onto. I agree that people tend to be very self-serving nowadays, but, if the door is closed, even if you can kick the door down, what you'll find on the other side is just an empty room.

As far as your example of terminal cancer, what about very religious people who feel that prayer is better than any medical treatment? As with this example, if both sides aren't open to work together as a team, the results will be disappointing. I'm not saying to give up and not put forth the best effort possible. I'm saying it's a waste of time if both sides aren't willing to work together. Thinking you can force someone to want to reconcile after giving up generally leads to frustration and disappointment. There are people who still hold onto hope even after the ex-partner remarries. I'm not saying to do nothing, but be realistic.

[caring__1]

You have every right to disagree with me, but based on what you are saying, I have no idea what you think you're disagreeing with. It sounds like you're projecting your fears onto me. I don't believe in throwing away people, and I believe most people who believe the grass is greener tend to end up with less than they started with. The picture you're talking about is strictly in your head. Maybe that was an issue in your last relationship. Maybe he felt you talked at him rather than showed him you cared enough to truly hear and understand him. I guess you do have the right to try, convict and execute me for the assumptions you nurture in your head, but what will you have accomplished after all is said and done?

[Monalisa77]

Well depends on the circumstances. Maybe they dont know me that well, whos to say if they got to know me they wouldn't wanna go out? Evweyone just see me the same as i always am, just trying to get by in life but i dont have an opportunity to really get to know someone and for them to see me in a different way

[caring__1]

Clinging to or pushing yourself on someone won't make you more desirable in their eyes. They'll just feel smothered by you and want to get away faster. If you want people to know the real you, then show the real you in group settings. Rather than focus on clinging to one, focus on being yourself to many. By showing people you are true to yourself, someone who appreciates you as you are will rise out of the crowd. What frustrates many people is not knowing what they're getting themselves into by entering a relationship, as people tend to be deceptive. They give others what they believe those people want to see, even though it isn't truly who they are. Eventually, reality comes to the surface, leading to bitterness and resentment for the bait and switch maneuver. For every type of person, there are people who are drawn to that type of person. Don't choose someone and then expect that person to also choose you. Find people who see and appreciate your true value, and then choose the one who checks all your boxes.

[Monalisa77]

I can't do that as i am now, got too many health issues n anxiety, i dont trust many people so many judge you for the smallest of things. Im not gonna go out there n put my health at risk on the chance that someone might like me. I met someone last yr who i believe saw something in me noone else ever has but in typical fashion i ruined it as i was confused n the tension got too much. It gave me hope it might happen again n ill learn from my mistakes

[Monalisa77]

No matter how many times i ask people if they wanna hang out, theyll say yes but nothing ever happens

[caring__1]

It makes sense to learn from your mistakes, though a lot of people say they do yet continue their familiar patterns. Talk with people who know you best to see if you can discover what it is about you that leads people to not follow through on spending time with you. Learn and address these issues. Anxiety can complicate things, as it leads us to react to our fears rather than what actually exists. We want to be observant and see reality rather than focus on assumptions. If you're having difficulty addressing your issues, seek professional help.

[Monalisa77]

Thats interesting because if inwas to go into meeting people and acting like everythings fine with me, they would get a shock that everything isn't fine. By seeing me as i am. Now they see me at my worst already, they know i already have many health issues. So if they see something past that then they already know what theyre letting themselves in for😂 there's not many surpises when it comes to me. Im rather like an open book. I just need more dynamics that aren't just my parents

[Monalisa77]

I try different tactixs all the time. Just did a media course for one week and i went in there not taking myself too seriously, i wanted to enjoy it and i didn't have any expectations. I felt like even on the first day we all clicked as a group there was no arguments or clashing despite me not getting my chosen role. I could have caused an argument but didn't. We did so well one of the producers liked our film so much said we should go forward with it, but of course the one who got the role i wanted is too busy and i feel awkward now that i can't do anything even tho I've got so much time on my hands lol

[Monalisa77]

Professional help won't help me In the long run, ill just come out of there n nothing will change, being around different people is whats helping me grow. Some people act like i cna only be around people witb similar health issues as me, thats not going to help me at all. It would just make me feel worse if theyre the only opl im. around. And i know thars awful, j dont mind it in small doses but not like the be all n end all of who i can be friends with/r/ships etc i blend in generally most of the time ln group settings

[caring__1]

Everyone has challenges. They're not necessarily the same. Both my son and I have memory challenges, yet we've both accomplished a lot in our lives, including advanced college degrees. Some people claim my son is more accomplished, as he make 10 times as much as I do, but he feels I am more accomplished. It all depends on how you view accomplishment. Look up Stephen Hawking. I can guaranty he faced significantly more challenges than you, yet that didn't prevent him from great accomplishments.

Professionals can't force you to change. All they can do is open your eyes to see the bigger picture. They can show you your choices that get in the way of what you want to accomplish, and they can give you tools to help your forward progress be smoother and easier. By assuming failure before we even attempt is just setting up a self-fulfilling prophecy and choosing failure.

[Anonymous]

I don’t!! If he doesn’t want me, that’s just gonna throw me off and push me away.
I’m gonna become turned off as well.

Thats why when I get ghosted and ignored and neglected. I just block them. They clearly don’t want to be anywhere near me. So I’m just gonna make it easy for you. BLOCK, DELETE, GOODBYE 👋.

Im ALREADY not seeing you or having you. I might as well delete and block you.

[Elinnnor]

In my case , If I meet someone emotional unavailable , I feel the urge to make them open up to me. I think it s the mistery that attracts the most, so, when a person meets another person who doesn't want to be in a relationship with them, they immediately ask themselves:„why?". Let s Say , the reason is this:this is how our minds work:they want what they can't get.

[caring__1]

It sounds like you believe rescuing others boosts you. There are plenty of people who feel a need to be needed. They just end up reinforcing dependency and feelings of inadequacy. Think about how your choices impact others rather than just continue the behavior to fuel your urges.

Let's say you encounter people who feel an urge to make people expose all their deepest secrets, so they can broadcast them to the world. They want to know all the details of your sexual encounters and all the stupid and embarrassing mistakes you've ever made in your life. Wouldn't you see these people as selfish and inconsiderate? Never feel it is your right to make people open up.

Seeing people as a challenge to conquer is selfish, insincere, inconsiderate and disrespectful. Unfortunately, it is more common than you might expect.

[Elinnnor]

You are right , but I Simply depicted my PAST behaviour, because I realised the same thing as You did. Im not like that anymore, fortunately.

[caring__1]

I'm glad to hear you are learning from your experiences. Keep fine tuning till you're the person you'll feel proud to present to your partner.

[Elinnnor]

Thank You😇🥰

[caring__1]

You're welcome.

[ChiTown33]

I don't! That'd be foolish.

I would say if someone is that way it's because they have no self respect, self worth. Or they just haven't figured out that the feelings in this case are one sided.

[TruthBeTold77]

I don't. I'm usually the one that doesn't want to be in a relationship 🤣

[Archferret]

most probably due to :

1. good memories, moments

2. emotional attachment

[PeachesNCream98]

I could not be in that type of relationship

[exitseven]

Everyone wants what they cannot have.

[ta-ra]

⬆️what he Said

[caring__1]

That may be true, but I'm asking for the reasons this makes sense to those who choose to cling to something that isn't theirs. There are plenty of things I'd see value in having, yet I don't focus on them or dwell on them when they aren't available. That would just be wasting my life for a fantasy.

[ta-ra]

Most come from childhood trauma.
The need to constantly prove oneself is worth it and entitled to someone else. Trauma bonding, narcissism... Take your pick.

[Nikki1989]

I don't. I have no time for time-wasters.

[BLP11520]

Insanity is the reason

[caring__1]

The definition of insanity is maintaining a dysfunctional pattern and expecting different results.

[BLP11520]

Right