Why does my ex keeps saying that she isn't a good person despite me thinking she is?

[Anonymous]

We broke up amicable a few months ago and went into no contact for 1 and half month-ish with her reaching out first and being hot and cold with me (I figured that she's just busy and stressed from university), she's always said that she was toxic or she isn't a good person or I deserve someone who is local (she's a foreign exchange student from another country).

If she really wasn't a good person she wouldn't have gotten me flowers for my birthday or cried for me bedside when I entered the hospital. She tells everyone that she isn't a good person or she's toxic or even she doesn't deserve happiness I'm worried about her, I still care for her but I never overwhelm her or push her in anyway and has always given her space and her pervious relationship was a toxic one so I thought that it might have made her think she is toxic.

I know that I can't help her but I'm willing to listen to her, to just hear her out but I'm tired of her saying that she isn't a good person because I can see that she is a good person as she spends money to buy food for stray cats even though she doesn't have a lot of money in the first place.

How do I get her to slowly open up to me? I've already told her that I've moved on but I'm willing to be a shoulder for her to lean and be a ear to listen to her

[CallmeTheKnight]

It’s two things I can say and I say this from experience and truth:

1. Take her for her word and I can guarantee you that she definitely isn’t what you want in a girlfriend. If she’s hot and cold, she ain’t that interested in you and plus she sees you more as a friend rather than a lover. Don’t get yourself wrapped up in a woman like that, you’re just wasting your life and time for nothing. She’s not always thinking about you. She’s not always looking for you. She doesn’t always want to hear from you. Otherwise you’d be hearing from her everyday all the time.


2. In nice words, You’re playing the fool. The big fool. You can’t accept a reality happening in-front of you, so you just hope you can show her that you’re a good man and she’ll open up to you in exchange for exclusivity to each other. There is nothing good about you if that’s the case. Why open up for someone she when she’s toxic? If she hasn’t done it by now, then you’re the only one hoping for that. To sum it all up, you’re honestly stupid and begging for a heartbreak.

[Asker]

I don't mind her being hot and cold with me in fact I don't mind her taking a while to message me or being dry with me, I mean she's a student in an university so the stresses can be quite high and it's not everyday that can be your day you know what I mean?

To be honest I don't think she's toxic even people that know her doesn't think she is toxic plus I don't know of a toxic person who would spend what little money they have to buy food for stray cats and through the relationship it was pretty equal like when we eat out we usually split the bill and she sometimes doesn't mind paying extra sometimes and even insist on paying for it whole. Like what the another person said, she might just have low esteem about herself

When we broke up she did mention that she started to feel that we are more like close friends than an actual couple, I did end up being heartbroken by the fact she said that but during the period of no contact I've come accept that fact so don't think I'll be heartbroken again you could say that I'm looking out for you as a friend

[VictorMachiavelli]

In my experience, when somebody says that they’re a bad person it’s usually somewhat true. They feel guilty about something they’ve done, or something they keep on doing.

They might have good in them, but maybe they’re damaged and they’re impulsive. They try to be good but they can’t help doing whatever bad things they keep doing.

For the ones who aren’t actually good, it’s a manipulation tactic. They’ll do nice things for you but then say bad things about themselves so that you’ll feel sorry for them and try to comfort them. Pulling on your heart strings. They know that doing nice things for you will cause you to believe that they just have low self-esteem.

It doesn’t matter which of any of the above examples is true, if someone says they’re a bad person, rather than giving them the benefit of the doubt just take their word for it and stay away.

[petitedollbabee]

Low self esteem. Unfortunately it’s not something that you can help with more than you already are. You can’t make someone see themself the way that you see them. Raising her self esteem is something that she needs to do, and usually all it takes is some time and someone to talk to for low self esteem to go away. So if you can continue being someone in her life that is available for her to vent to or talk to about anything, then I think that will help most.

[Asker]

Though whenever I tell her about the good things she's done, she keeps dismissing it all by saying that it's the bare minimum or it's bullcrap. Is it be another sign of low self-esteem esteem?

[petitedollbabee]

Yes, that’s definitely a sign of low self esteem. She’s undermining herself.

[laraWM]

It's hard if she doesn't want your help

[Asker]

It really is

[laraWM]

You can only wait until she's ready, if you want

[Anonymous]

It's been my experience that when a person tells you who they are like that, believe them! Some of the biggest narcissists play this game man. I know you're not going to listen to me. But be careful. Don't get too involved. It's only going to end badly for you. I know you want to absolve her of any wrongdoing in her last relationship. But remember she was still 50% of that relationship. She still chose that guy. BEWARE!

[Asker]

Well I'm starting to lean towards the possibility that she just has low self-esteem besides I don't think a narcissist will actually spend what little money they have to buy food for stray cats. With her being my ex girlfriend and all I've moved on from her, I don't really see her as someone I would date plus her previous ex (before me) had apparently passed from an OD and he treated her quite badly in that relationship so I'm guessing that she must have develop low self esteem after coming out of that relationship

[236color]

My guess is, she's trying to tell you she has a sexual history she's not proud of. Sort of a way of preparing you so you don't freak out if/when you find out. I could be wrong on that, but it's my impression.

[love_conquers_lust]

I’d take it as a hint that she just wants to be friends. She already knows you’re a shoulder to cry on, move on.

[Asker]

I mean I already told her that I've moved on and I'm willing to be friends but whenever I bring it up she just goes quiet

[love_conquers_lust]

She probably wants someone who arouses her, and you ain’t it. It could be a thousand different reasons that change day to day. Don’t worry about it.

[Asker]

don't think so, I mean throughout us dating she never once ask or even mentioned about wanting to engaged in intercourse with me she always struck to me as someone who has little to no interest in it and always seems awkward around talks about it besides, both of us got into the relationship thinking it'd be date to marry but now it doesn't seem like that anymore.

[love_conquers_lust]

That’s all the more reason to move on.

[Jdodkfndosn]

If a girl tells you she isn't a good person, listen to her. That she told you that at breakup only means one thing. She cheated on you

[AVirgoMan]

I think he's hiding something from you. She may be cheating on you with another man. You are so naive, he knows the truth and his conscience is not at ease when he lies to you.