Is he being selfish in the relationship we have?

[Lovelailaxo]

Okay so some quick information, I’m 20F and he’s 23M, we’ve been talking for about 5 months and started seeing each other (going out on dates/sleeping over) for about 3 months. Our relationship is pretty unique because I’m a full time college student and he’s in the military. We live about an hour and a half away but we only see each other every other week. You could say I’m the one compromising since he works 5/7 days a week, meaning he has only 2 days off, out of those two we meet one of those days every other week. I want a relationship with him but he’s scared of commitment, despite that he says he cares about me and my feelings, calls me couple names, he texts me everyday throughout the day, and FaceTimes me for hours some days. Despite the lack of a title, I’ve been loyal to him while he had allowed me to fall for him, Is he being selfish and am I being dumb? Also I planned to have the conversation about us to him this week but he’s going for training for a few days, would it be better to wait till he comes back for an in person conversation or over FaceTime (mind you im hella anxious and wanna have it).

[Oliverlogan263]

I can understand why this situation would have you feeling confused and anxious. On the one hand, it seems like he's putting in enough effort through frequent communication to show he cares about you. But the lack of commitment after several months of dating is concerning, especially since you have to do most of the compromising when it comes to seeing each other.

A few thoughts - first, I don't think you're being dumb at all for catching feelings. It's natural when someone gives you that kind of attention and reassurance daily. But he does seem a bit selfish by not being willing to define the relationship, while still benefiting from you being loyal and emotionally invested.

As for the conversation, I'd say wait until after his training when you can talk in person. A serious relationship chat over FaceTime just doesn't feel as meaningful. That way you can really gauge his body language and sincerity too.

Make sure to stress how much you care for him but that his fear of commitment is hurting you. Ask him directly where he sees this going long term. If he truly wants you, he needs to actually commit and meet you halfway on making time together a priority. And if not, you at least have your answer so you're not stuck in limbo.

I know it's scary, sis, but trust me - having the talk will give you clarity even if it's not the answer you want. Stay strong and remember your worth! Let me know how it goes.

[Lovelailaxo]

Yeah it definitelyyy confuses me as he seems to like me, doesn’t mind texting me and FaceTiming me, and all this other “couple stuff” but we aren’t together. Yeah I think it’s best to start off the conversation with how much I care so thank you, I was tryna figure out how I start it because the tone you start with can be interpreted way different than what I mean. I am scared of what he’s gonna say but I’d rather hear the truth than wonder anxiously. Imma wait till after he comes back and then talk to him on the day we meet, I’ll let you know, thanks!

[Oliverlogan263]

For sure, waiting to have the talk in person after he's back is probably best. That way you can really gauge his body language and energy too, not just words over a screen.

Definitely start by letting him know how much you care about him - that sets the right tone. Then ease into how you're feeling about where things are at currently and what you're looking for going forward. Be open but also firm that you need some clarity on if he sees a future or not.

It may be nerve-wracking, but staying confident and trusting your gut will serve you well. Even if it's not the outcome you hope for, at least you'll have your answer and can choose to protect your emotional investment going forward.

You deserve a guy who matches your energy 100%. Keep us posted how it goes! And remember, you got this - stay true to what YOU want most in the end. You'll be aight no matter what luv 👊

[Lovelailaxo]

Yeah very true! I’ll take heed to this. You helped me a lot, thank you so much!

[Oliverlogan263]

You're very welcome! I'm always happy to lend an ear and try to offer some perspective. Handling relationships and conversations is tricky stuff, so I'm glad I could help provide some reassurance and advice. Just remember to stay true to yourself - that's really all that matters. However things turn out with this guy, as long as you expressed how you truly feel then you'll have no regrets. I know you're gonna do great. Just keep your head up and know that no matter what, you've got this. And I'm here if you ever wanna talk more after. You got this sis! Now go get 'em tiger 🐅

[dynamicyandere]

I don’t think he’s being selfish.


He only gets a little time off and he spends time with you every other week and pays for everything. He did say that he’s afraid of commitment as well, so he has let you know upfront that he can’t promise anything.


I believe part of that is not a lot of relationships survive military service — it’ll be really hard to maintain the relationship especially if he’s deployed far away in another time zone.


But for your own sake, I’d try not to get overly invested because there’s no guarantees about your future together.


There’s so much uncertainty.

[Lovelailaxo]

This is the type of answer I’ve been looking for. I did find out about him being scared of commitment by asking him after observing how he acts to certain questions. I understand it’s a unique situation and him being in the military makes it difficult. Knowing we’re 5 months in and knowing my feelings towards him isn’t it unfair that he tells me I can tell him about anything, he factimes me for hours, and calls me loving names? Or does this all not matter since I know he’s afraid of commitment, so he isn’t leading me on and making me fall for him more?

[dynamicyandere]

Thanks!

Perhaps his heart and mind are torn. Perhaps emotionally, he wants for things to continue and he wants to be with you. But, logistically, it wouldn’t be good to promise anything if he’s not 100% certain that he can maintain the relationship if he gets deployed.

I believe that he’s trying to not think about the future and enjoy his time with you while he can.

He’s sort of dancing on the line.

He has let you know in advance about his fear of commitment. You are showing him love. And he’s having a hard time telling you no because he can’t deny that he wants to experience all that.

So, I think his heart and mind are torn.

I suppose he just wants to savor those moments with you, if you’re willing to do so with him, knowing that he can’t make any promises.

But, if he knows we won’t be able to commit, why is he feeding the flame?

Either he hopes that you will still be there for him when he comes back.

Or he just doesn’t want to think about consequences or the future and is just trying to have the best of both worlds — in other words, it doesn’t make sense but he doesn’t care that it doesn’t make sense because he just wants to enjoy the moment.

The most responsible thing to do though, would be either to commit to you, and continue to feed the flame, to keep your love alive.

Or to accept that he can’t commit to you, and try to help you let him go, since he can’t give you want you seek.

https://youtu.be/6IATzH3NZ60?si=EpDxXVZ8yGfeidgi

[Lovelailaxo]

Thanks! This makes more sense and helps me to formulate what he might feel into words. I’m gonna talk to him but also keep in mind the situation at hand and how he may be confused himself. It’s just scary since I don’t wanna lose him as I already like him a lot. I also wanna just enjoy the time together and not overthink but at the same time not knowing makes me anxious. Like you said though, military makes a lot thing uncertain in relationships.

[dynamicyandere]

You’re welcome! 🙂 I wish you two the best! 🤞

[Lovelailaxo]

Thanks! ✨

[Avicenna]

That’s something you definitely want to talk about face to face IRL

[Lovelailaxo]

Yeah I know in my mind this will always be the better option, thanks.

[Iron_Man]

Does he take you out? Do some nice things or do you just meet for sex?

[Lovelailaxo]

He does take me out everytime we do meet, we go to restaurants, movie theaters/arcades etc. and go to hotels since it’s easier to be in the city (nyc) and do fun things. He’s the one that pays for everything basically, I could take that as a good sign but there’s the saying that men spend money on women because they know more is coming so I don't know. To answer the last question, we do have sex when we meet but as stated above, it’s not the only thing we do.

[Iron_Man]

Well, you’ve only known each other for five months are you in love with each other the both of you

[Lovelailaxo]

I definitelyyy like him a lot, I think about him everyday.. love I’m not sure bc I’ve never been and it wouldn’t be easier to know if we spent more time together. As far as I know he says he likes me back and cares about my feelings. I want to be in a relationship with him since our feelings are known but we aren’t boyfriend and girlfriend.

[Lovelailaxo]

*would be easier to know

[Iron_Man]

Only time will tell

[Lovelailaxo]

Yup that seems to be the case, I guess I won’t know till we have the conversation.

[Iron_Man]

Right

[ProbablyClueless]

Well, you're definitely being dumb. "No labels" is just people's way of having their cake without losing it when their life situation changes.

Regardless of whether he cares for your feelings, he's protecting his own.

[Lovelailaxo]

You feel like the no label part dismisses everything else in this situation?

[ProbablyClueless]

100%. When someone tells you that they "don't feel comfortable putting labels on things," what they're telling you is that they're looking for/have already found for their exit strategy. They know your days are limited.

[Anonymous]

This is barely a relationship at this point.

[Lovelailaxo]

Why do you say that?

[tedbuoyy]

Can we chat

[Lovelailaxo]

About?