Should the way my partner acts when he is mad be an important thing to consider in whether I should stay with him or not?

[Inneedofanswerspls]

He can be really hurtful with his words when he is mad and sometimes I just don't have the energy to "argue" with him and I feel really small and like he is manhandling me. In the end he usually apologizes but it's been years and sometimes he still surprises me with the way he acts even tho it's happening less times... I just want to do the right thing for myself because he is really good when things are ok but I don't want to be old and have a family and have someone talk like that when something less nice comes up, or in front of my kids... But maybe it's just normal for some people to express themselves like that.. I don't know

Yes, absolutely.

No, people will say anything when they're upset...

Depends?🤷

[caring__1]

By questioning this, you're acknowledging you're uncomfortable with his behavior. It's not about whether other people are comfortable with that behavior, but your own comfort. Never legitimize dysfunctional behavior... whether yours of that of others.

Let's say you stay and have kids with this guy. Do you want him to be a role model for your kids? The old "Do as I say, not as I do" doesn't work. Not only will you be dealing with his inappropriate behavior, but also the inappropriate behavior of your kids.

It all comes down to your choice. A partner comes as a package. We can't pick and choose the patterns we like or dislike. If you wouldn't be proud to be with this total package, question your choice to stay. The likelihood of him changing is slim to nil.

As far as this being normal, all normal means is common. You observe many common, yet dysfunctional, patterns all the time. Those patterns continue because people legitimize them as normal. We already pass on too many dysfunctional patterns from generation to generation. Do you want to pass on this pattern, also?

[Screenwriter]

For someone to use the excuse that they were just angry, or YOU made them angry, then to apologize for their bad behavior, but to KEEP REPEATING IT for YEARS is an indication they have no intention of changing.

First, find a supportive family member or friend you can go to to exit this situation. Make sure this man doesn't know where you're going. He has perpetrated abuse against you, and abusers need and want victims. Stop allowing yourself to be put down and made to feel small. He knows he does this. It's a way to control you and keep you fearful of him.

In addition, you need a therapist to help you leave this situation.

Also, if friends or family believe you should stay with this person, they are NOT being supportive. Detach yourself from them for the time being. Find people and places you can go to be safely away from him as you remake yourself and your life.

Block all contact from him on all media. Get a new phone number if necessary. Don't allow him to contact you at your job, or any place you regularly go.

Make this clear to EVERYBODY in personal or business situations. If needs be, get a restraining order against him. Good luck.

This is difficult to do, and will take time, but take it one day at a time and step by step. It is doable.

Don't stay with an abusive man. Love will not solve his problems. He needs to be in longterm therapy on his own. He doesn't know how to be in a healthy relationship.

[pancake]

If your partner's behavior when he is angry makes you feel disrespected, scared, or consistently unhappy, that's a serious red flag. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, good communication, and feeling safe both emotionally and physically. If you don't have these elements, especially during conflicts, it's a big concern.

If his anger leads to abusive behavior (either physical or emotional), that's a definite deal-breaker. You should never feel threatened or unsafe in a relationship. If you're often left feeling drained or unhappy after they get mad, it's worth reconsidering the relationship. Relationships should generally uplift you, not bring you down.

However, if he is willing to work on their issues, like seeking help or counseling, and you see genuine efforts to improve, that's a positive sign.

Ultimately, trust your instincts. If something feels off, it probably is. Your well-being and happiness are paramount. If you're unsure, talking to a trusted friend, family member, or a professional counselor can provide more personalized guidance.

[molonski2]

For certain 100% , people who are really nasty verbally when they loose their temper , or their actual behavior leaves you wondering , these people cannot control themselves , absolute bottom line , plus what they are saying is what they actually believe , bad speech , smashing things , verbally aggressive just leads to physical violence. The absolute opposite of Sabai Sabai , seriously if any man ( or woman ) is that unstable and aggressive , just get rid of them , full stop , forget any of the so called " good " stuff.

[AmandaYVR]

Factor it in, definitely. Therapists etc. say that the #1 predictor of whether couples will stay together or break apart is how they handle conflict.

Forgiveness is also an extremely important element.

[OlderAndWiser]

It's not just the way he would treat you in the future. Would he be a good role model for your future sons? If you had children and died before they were grown, would he be a good single parent to finishing raising your children?

[GOLDFISH_smile]

Absolutely u should take how his actions effect u seriously, even if he only does it sometimes it clearly doesn't just effect u sometimes. It effects ur whole relationship. & if u plan to have kids together, it will very much effect ur kids relationship with both of u. Ur not being crazy or dramatic at all, those worries are totally rational.

Tbh I'd ask him to see a counselor or therapist about it. At least couples. If he doesn't wanna take on his shit alone, he should at least work with u to address the issue in a serious way, where there's a trained 3rd party present in case he lashes out while trying. Intentionally hurting people u care about is not okay, even if ur angry. & even ignoring how it effects u, he's sabotaging his own relationship. He needs to get a handle on this or he won't ever be able to maintain a healthy relationship, regardless of whether u stay or leave.

[Flatmanlewis]

When you say ‘manhandle’ I interpret that as physical aggression and/or violence. If that’s the case I say to you, in the strongest possible words: WALK AWAY! Leave. Go now.


He will do worse after you are married. He will do it to your children. He will not be respectful.

[Married_mature]

People take pride in having anger issues. They feel they have something special that they can't control their words or actions. However, that's not true. Can he behave the same way to his boss or his teacher or another guy? He can't. It only goes to prove he's taking you for granted. I think you feel that already

[cnj421]

I didn’t even read the whole thing because YES absolutely the way they behave when they are angry matters!! If it is at all disrespectful, hurtful or abusive to you then you need to walk away. Cause it could escalate. No one that loves you should doing anything physical to you, say anything emotionally damaging, yell at you or anything like that. It’s toxic.

[JacobJordan]

Women are more sensitive than men so when he does this is he aware in the moment that he is saying something hurtful? Is the intent to be hurtful? Or he is talking about the subject and the way he talks about hurtful? If the first 2 definitely not healthy. If the last while upsetting it does mean he can work on it if he wants and that is a good sign

[Joshydavid25]

I mean, you've been with him for years and have gotten this far and you're just now asking this question.. I'm thinking probably not.. You guys just need to talk it out, and you should communicate to him that when he gets mad it scares you. But people say crazy and hurtful things when they get mad.. You could also see what role you play in it as well..

[Anonymous]

the fact of the matter is that he apologizes. i know it's not ideal. but he does still need to change how he reacts, regardless of the apologies. apologies don't negate it, but it does help to know that he is aware of it. which is a step in the right direction. but again, he needs to change that. please tell him how you feel, what you said here. i think it could open his eyes. and then if he still doesn't make an effort, then yeah you need to move on.

[Anonymous]

I know people can let their emotions get the best of them but as a mature adult, he needs to learn to think before he speaks. I think you need to have a conversation about this with him, tell him that the things he says when he’s mad are very hurtful and it sticks with you. An apology won’t cut it if he keeps doing it every time he gets pissed.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

It’s one thing to be angry and do something you regret, it’s another when they go out of their way to hurt you either verbally or physically or through breaking something of yours. That’s targeted anger, that’s toxic as fuck

[IslaTheWitch]

When we are carried out by our emotions we show so called true colors. And it's good to know it before investing into relationship. And make the best decision for you.

[Peter_Penetrator]

When you say “manhandling you” are you saying he is physically abusive. If so run for the hills before he kills you.

[Anonymous]

Yes. That is a form of abuse. Next it will escalate to him hitting you. You better run now while you can.

[Opinion Owner]

Research “verbal and emotional abuse”. Ma’am. You’re being abused. It’s not healthy. Healthy people do not express their feelings/emotions that way. I will put money on him becoming physically abusive next

[HelpfulWoman]

yes. dump that trash!

[Anonymous]

Common sense applies. Did you earn it?

[jahaims]

Duh.

[In_Trance]

I don't think so

[Anonymous]

No not really