Can you still love your mom ex after they passed?

[Anonymous]

Im not asking for strangers on the internet to make a decision for me. Right now, i 85% want to end my engagement, but the other 15% i dont. Im just looking for unbiased advice. Sometimes someone will have a perspective and make you realize “oh that is a good point” and it gets you to really reflect. Been engaged to my man for 6 months, together for 2.5yrs. He used to be married until his ex wife passed. Im sorry she passed and im sure it was tough, but gotta move on eventually right? here's what i find a red flag: Everytime i ask him (theoretically) who would he choose if she “came back”, he can't seem to answer straight. All he says is “what matters is i am with you now” why can't he answer? Is he not over her? Is he just using me as a a rebound to cover his pain-because thats how it feels honestly. And the other, he is still in touch with her family and still goes to their gatherings-i honestly dont want anything to do with her family, id rather we move on and create our own memories with my family and his blood family. I find its just not fair for me and i am just being used as a pain killer. I feel he shouldn’t have even gotten into a relationship if his mindset is still focused on her/her family. I tried to bring this up and everything i mentioned in this post with him respectfully, but it goes nowhere. So i am ready to just end the engagement and find someone who makes me feel like the only one and would choose me. I can't marry a guy who can't choose me. Lets be honest here, hed choose her if she “came back” she was the one, im not. Is my thinking unreasonable? Am i being unreasonable?

Updates

3 mo

Sorry, i did not mean to include “mom” that was a typo

[Anonymous]

That is a really unfair question to ask. Don’t go there w that. Yes if she was still alive he’d still be w her, you two would have never been an item. But she’s not. Now he met you. If you were just a rebound I don’t think he’d still be w you almost 3 years later. I don’t see an issue w him keeping in contact w her family, that as much as you may not like it is his family too. I’m sure they’ve been there for him through all this. Imagine if you were put in this position. Your husband died in a car accident or something. Would you just discontinue talking to his family? What about his brothers, sisters, his little nephews, nieces, grandma who absolutely loved you, mom who loved you just as much. It’s a hard thing to do to just dismiss everyone. I think maybe he could talk to them. To tell them that as hard as it is to move on he has found someone. I know he’s a grown man, we shouldn’t need people’s approval but part of him may feel guilty to them that he’s w someone else. Not ashamed, just guilt. So maybe if he talks to them they will say they’re ok w it, for him to move on because he’s still here, she’s not. That he will always be there, he will call to check up on them, maybe even help them at times. When my sister divorced my brother-in-law I was pissed because I felt like I actually lost a brother. He moved on, never reached out to us mainly because of her. Even though she was the one who ended up cheating on him. I think maybe a part of him may feel guilty for moving on. Especially if you’re religious, to think that your wife is still around taking care of you spiritually. Sure he will always love her, he loved her, she died way too soon. How do you expect him to get rid of that love for her? A part of him will always be w her just as she will always be w him. But that doesn’t mean he can’t love another woman, you. Talk to him. Maybe he needs to express that to his wife at her grave.

[iFarted]

1. Why would you ask... "who would he choose if she “came back”... don't ask this...

2. "gotta move on eventually right?" Yes, but she'll always be a part of him.

3. Since you already told em about how you feel about not wanting to do anything with her family/friends.. and he still does then obvious they're a part of his life and will most likely always be. You could always just decline the offer to go and let him go...

4. He's with you now...

If you can't deal with him still having parts of his previous relationship in his current life then it's probably best you move on. It's only fair for both of you.

[DevikaButts95]

You should end your engagement because you're fucking awful to your fiancé my god. I could not give you a kind word.
Of course he'd be with his wife if she didn't die. He loves her. But just because that's true doesn't mean he doesn't also love you now. SHE DIED WHILE HE STILL LOVED HER. You don't ever get over someone you love after they died, you just learn to live with it.
That question you posed puts him in an uncomfortable spot where he now has to choose between two people he loves, it's absolutely evil. I can't even imagine how shitty that makes him feel; worst yet you almost certainly make him feel like he doesn't deserve love because his prior wife died, which is definitely not the case.
You cause so much damage to this dude because you're so insecure even though he's marrying you, and it's clear you do not love him in the slightest nor care about him at all to act like that. You are completely unreasonable, and I strongly think you should call off the engagement before that guy makes a mistake and is locked with you.

[HouseMoat]

"gotta move on eventually, right?, ok, trump

Did you see the speech he made in iowa the other day, after the shooting that happened there.

PITIFUL

[Asker]

Im a democrat thank you very much. If he's hung up on another woman, not fair he wastes my time

[HouseMoat]

Then tell him off

[Asker]

Not fair for me anyway.

[Roudyrebel8]

My wife passed away almost 7 years ago and had a woman ask me the same thing. First of all that's an unfair question. My response was do I love her yes and I always will but she's gone and I chose to be with you

[Avicenna]

Sure

[Anonymous]

Sure you can.