Being an optimistic and a sensitive person as I am,
I do occasionally get disappointed- Because I tend to see and expect the good in people and then I sometimes crash with the reality, which is not so good.
If I expect good things out of a person or situation, and things turn out differently and I start observing negative thoughts popping into my mind, I start to reframe the negative thoughts on the fly.
As an example, say I have one of those bad days we all have from time to time where nothing seems to be working out. Then to add insult to injury, I trip and fall into a puddle. Soon my inner demons might want to say, "This is the worst day ever! It's so horrible!" and start to feel angry and upset. As soon as that starts to happen, I reframe the negative thoughts. This day isn't the worst, it could be worse, and it's not horrible, it's challenging! It's interesting! Then I immediately start to feel better and can sometimes even laugh and enjoy this challenging day.
Same thing if people defy my positive expectations or anything else. I start to reframe the negative thoughts that arise as soon as they arise and the disappointment starts to disappear as soon as it starts.
I could see it therapeutic for some to just lower our expectations. I find a lot of wisdom in the suggestion to hope for the best and expect the worst. Yet with the way I'm wired, I find it too depressing to just hope for the best without expecting the best as well. I thrive on having high expectations of myself and others around me. I've instead found ways to almost entirely eliminate the frequent disappoints that can bring about when things don't go according to expectations.
Cheers! I also recommend Viktor Frankl if you're unfamiliar with his logotherapy. It suits my mindset well along with Stoicism and Buddhism and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. This is a very powerful lecture from him where he explains why idealists might be the real realists: https://youtu.be/loay2imHq5E
No problem! One of the reasons I prefer to, in some way, expect more out of people (starting with myself) than even what we/they can realistically deliver is for this reason: we have to hold people to high standards to see them capable of becoming what they can be. Actually we will be disappointed constantly if we respond to discrepancies in high expectations vs. reality in a negative way, but that's where the real-time self-therapy helps me to mitigate the disappointment.
I also somewhat expect to be disappointed which might bring into question whether I truly have these high expectations in the first place, but it's kind of a juggling and balancing act to me where I would still use the word, "expect", and not merely "hope", because "hope" alone doesn't sway my actions the way "expect" does. I have to at least outwardly "expect" good things out of myself and others to elicit it from me/them. If I don't "expect" it and merely "hope" for it, I won't behave in a way that encourages it.
So building up resilience to the constant disappointment this has a tendency to bring is my way to cope with it. I refuse to lower my expectations since then I'll just be left hoping for the best without doing the things that maximize my chances of seeing the best.
It was originally my ultimate source of shyness was talking to a pretty girl I liked in school. I would fumble my words and turn so clumsy. I remember actually running into a sign post one time when a girl I liked in school waved "hi" to me outside. 😅
I got over it though to the point where I actually might be least shy among love interests if only because I had to muster the courage to start initiating conversations with them, ask them out on dates, make moves on dates, etc.
One of the best things to improve my dating life was to get over the fear of rejection. I stopped seeing it as a bad thing. To be rejected is a good thing as I see it, since it means I'm not her type, not compatible, and finding that out sooner is less of a setback than later when I'm much more deeply invested. So I eliminated most of the disappointment associated with being rejected by seeing it in a different way like this.
It's the result of a lot of tweaking and tuning. There's a lot you can overcome though whether it's social fears or disappointments if you kind of reflect on how you are thinking about a situation and start trying to tweak anything negative that makes you feel bad or afraid.
The most difficult thing for me was to just learn to pause for a moment when I'm starting to feel bad and question what I'm thinking and why I think that way and if there's a different way to think that might be more productive and positive. Once I learned to pause that way, whenever I had those moments, the hardest part was over and gradually I started to find new and improved ways to think about things.
It's still a lifelong process and I'm admittedly very much a student and not a master. But every time I find any new situation that makes me feel bad, I pause and observe the thoughts I'm having and start working on challenging the ones that are making me feel bad. Each new situation like this gives me an opportunity to find ways to improve my overall thought patterns.
Good question! I battle these issues all of the time! There is only going to be a handful of you out there in the world but don't let that get you down! Always stay true to yourself and never abandon who you are and what you believe! You were given these abilities and emotions for a reason. You were also gifted with strong insight which I like to joke around as your curse/your blessing type of outlook. You are a special person and you will be rewarded in full! Hang in there! 😁
The keyword is to expect. I learned that having expectations (and we set them unconsciously) is much worse than whatever other people do.
Dealing with disappointment is hard because it's a bundle of emotions mainly sadness and anger. They are not easy to calm down and have many triggers to return.
After endless sessions of expecting and facing disappointment I decided to make a change in the equation. I try to throw the expectations away. It's hard, lol... setting expectations is kind of default and unconscious process so realizing it and altering it is like a lifetime challenge.
Doing a therapy helps a lot. I know my weak points and they reasons and unconsciously set expectations usually cover this area.
So my answer is, I didn't find an efficient way to deal with disappointment. So I try to avoid it.
I generally know I had a time when this is likely to happen with somebody and then I just avoid that person. When I was younger I had the same degree of knowledge but I often just didn't bother to pay attention to it and I wound up paying a heavy price for that.
I tend to keep many irons in the fire and back-up plans should the fire itself goes out. if all else fails I channel the the failure into purpose and keep going.
"If you're going through hell, keep going," -Winston Churchill
Oh I understand you completely I tend to see the best in people to and honestly I try not to assume the worst of someone. I get disappointed all the time thinking someone wouldn't do what they did. It's hard I just try to remember those people are not worth my time and energy.
I don't know I dealt with a lot of trauma from my past and I thought I was doing great but I still have a sort of avoidant attachment style it seems, at least I lean in that direction. So I either protect myself upfront by never giving a person the chance to hurt me or I cut off people when I have a bad feeling about them. I'm trying to keep making progress we'll see how it goes. Most of the time I feel good about my life but right now I'm in a difficult phase.
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