Affection and intimacy without sex?

[creataccount]

Before I say anything I need to make clear that my husband is a very sweet man with a very good heart and I have no doubt that he is faithful to me. That being said:

My husband, (of 2 years and 4 years together), and I are going through a dry spell (sex wise). He is just not interested and says it because he feels insecure about the way he looks (he says he feels overweight and feels old). This has been going on for about 3 years now and the number of times its happened can be counted on one hand. I have tried to be supportive. Told him there was no pressure on him that i still find him attractive and a solid relationship will not survive on sex alone. I do miss sex to be honest but what I miss mostly is the intimacy and closeness you get without sex. The touching the holding hands that kissing the caressing. Frankly i don’t feel he is attracted to me. I can understand in front of him and he won't look at me. Im not a drop dead gorgeous woman but i can tell i still turn a few heads on the street (hopefully not because I’m hideous 😱). Anyway - I feel I’m
Reaching the end of my tether. I have told him this and that i just don’t feel wanted and now he is upset because he thinks that I’m not being supportive and that everything i was saying at the beginning about a relationship being more than sex is rubbish. And he suspects that the only reason i feel this way now (after three years of support) is because someone else is attracted me. Im so unhappy. I feel that he doesn't see the problem and now im being blamed for wanting what I want. Im contemplating divorce at this point.

Please i would love to here both the men’s and women’s take on the situation.
Has anyone been here before? What happened?
Anything really I feel I’m loosing my sanity.


Again - please remember that my husband is a very sweet man with a very good heart and I have no doubt that he is faithful to me.

Thank you

[DishLady]

Well…


On the one hand, he’s right. Women are always complaining they don’t have the emotional connection, no bonding etc etc. and as we all march along with time, women’s libido go flying higher than Icarus and guys’ libido starts winding down (hence viagra etc products). So he’s saying you need to tame your inner beast and be on the same page with him.


On the other hand, I feel your pain. Now that you know him and are comfortable and are able to do all the stuff he liked and wanted to try since Day1 with you… he’s not into it. (Sigh.)


First, be patient with him and make sure it’s not a medical issue. Guys don’t like to admit when there’s something wrong with their man parts. It’s just easier to start working on a motorcycle in the garage or gift you that couples cooking class you always wanted clear out of the blue.


Next, be clear and honest. You’re not trying to betray past values but you need to meet each other 1/2-way.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Men struggle to tell the difference between physical and sexual intimacy, often acting as if the two are interchangeable terms for sex. In your husband’s case he may associate all forms of intimacy with sex and something has just put him off of it for now. You can ask him to cuddle, to spoon, maybe just hold his hand while you watch tv together or something. You can absolutely have intimacy without having sex and fulfill those physical needs for closeness, but if he still denies those then maybe it’s time to ask him to get to the root of his insecurity so it can be addressed and managed and your marriage can shift to where it needs to go.

[creataccount]

Yeah. To be fair he spoons me because he knows i like it and he will put a hand on my leg when we watch tv. But there is no passion i guess. We are only a few years into our relationship, and i already feel like im living with a really good friend. I suppose that’s the problem, that i dont hate him. In fact i love him. But the fact that something is lacking for me in this marriage is a feeling i can’t seem to shake. I feel bad because he is a good man but i also feel bad because i feel unattractive to him or undesired…

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Then see what could have changed, hormone levels can be weirdly volatile and sensitive and affected by the strangest things. What changes have occurred in his life that might have caused him to lose that drive? It could also be the same reason he’s gained weight, hormones can affect weight gain as well.

[Anonymous]

It's probably not you. Unfortunately, you're not alone. And after just 2 years of marriage, there's a story there yet to be told. And it needs to come from him.

It's one thing that the sex goes but to lose the intimacy around it too is very hard to deal with. I'm not surprised you're struggling.

I wonder if you can negotiate intimacy if you totally rule out sex. If you can express to him that physical contact of some kind really matters. A hug, a cuddle, let you know you are still cared for and differentiate him from your boss.

Either way, sounds like a deep conversation needs to happen. Easier said than done though.

[creataccount]

Thank you for your words. We have had several long and honest concessions. I have suggested that if we agree that any physical contact would NOT lead to sex would that make it easier for him to come forward. He said maybe but then nothing changes. We are also seeing a couple’s therapist who has suggested do a 6 second exercise where we kiss, hug and/or look into each other’s eyes for 6 second throughout the week. He says he still has to be in the mood to do that. But isn’t that the whole point? To do it despite not being in the mood so that you get to a place where it’s normal and natural? Also, it’s only 6 seconds how much of a mood do you have to be in. Oh I don’t know….

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah, frustrating. 6 second exercise sounds good in theory. I guess it attempts to normalise such contact but sounds like he's struggling so far. Maybe he needs to talk to someone away from you.

[Billlewis]

All of my relationships with women have been strictly non penetrative, but I always provide her with top notch oral service, and she also has unlimited freedom to date other guys whenever she wants. This is the type of arrangement that works best for me.

[Taniisokay]

3 years? He is clearly being dismissing your needs which is not acceptable and he is your husband. I would divorce him if I was in your place. Maybe he is cheating on you because there's no way he would refuse to satisfy you for this long.