Guys, why does it take so long for you to propose?

[Anonymous]

Me and my boyfriend started dating in 2020 January. It was a rough one, because I had undiagnosed BPD and it was his first relationship. After a year, he wanted to propose but he changed his mind. Fair, I didn't really care. We moved together. Then the 3 year mark came and I told him I am in it for marriage and if he didn't feel like proposing, we should break up in a year, he finds someone he could hang with and I find my husband. We had an agreement of him proposing 9 months after the 3 year mark. But after our anniversary, something surfaced and problems have arrived, we had to rebuild trust because of his fault, and he paused the proposal again. I think we have had a fairly good relationship in the past year. Much better then an average relationship. So at our 4th anniversary I asked again about my ring because I just remembered how Im not just dating for fun. He said he picked the one from my favorite jewelry shop, and he told me it will happen before this summer ends, but he doesn't want to tell me the date. I realized he doesn't know my size so I asked him about it too, and he told me we still have time to go and measure it. So I know the ring is real and true, he talked to my mother about it. But now I feel like I dont care, it will be almost 5 years when he finally proposes and I feel like its just because I wanted to be his wife, not because It would have already happened. I feel stupid for nagging him, I should just waited and leave when I realize it wouldn't happen

[Finchie40]

Most guys’ are scared to get married , especially these days , from all the shit they hear about with marriages and divorces and affairs etc.. and no offense the fact that you were diagnosed with BPD is a scary thing for a guy as well , from all the horror stories of that as well. Sadly social media played a big part on damaging the foundations of relationships and marriages , pretty much everyone cheats , everyone falls out of love , everyone gets bored , so Marriages aren’t the same as it was back then, before all this nonsense that is fed into our brains. People have sadly have become more selfish thinking the grass is greener on the other side. I became a father at a young age and I was nervous as shit because I wasn’t with my girlfriend for that long to be having a baby with her. When she was pregnant we kind of rushed into things by moving on together and thinking we were doing the right thing , I was scared shitless to be married , she wanted marriage and sadly I didn’t at the time because I was still young and not really ready to settle down , I felt like I needed more time to get my shit together before making that big commitment, I didn’t propose to my wife until 5 years came about and sadly I still didn’t think it was the right thing to do , even though I loved her and cared about her , I was scared shitless to be married , mainly from all the horror stories I heard. But I ended up getting married to her thinking it was the right thing to do. , and things were great for quite sometime , we made 2 more babies together during that time and then out of no where she changed on me and started treating me like shit , her and I started butted heads and not seeing eye to eye on things , she had a mental breakdown and was diagnosed with BPD as well, she was sadly no longer the girl I married , she became vicious and mean towards me and expected me to take care of everything , she no longer wanted to work and no longer wanted to be a partner and a team with me my sex life with her turned to shit , I ended up packing my stuff and leaving her. She would chase me back and things would get good for a little while but then turn to shit again. Some how some way we managed to work things out mainly for the kids sake , once my kids got older she let her true colors shine of being selfish and ended up having an affair on me , so I threw in the towel and told her to go fuck herself. So marriage is not what we all think or hope it will be , it just becomes a piece of paper if you end up with the wrong person in the long haul. Your boyfriend is probably hesitant for this reason sorry to say. He loves and cares about you but he is probably scared you will eventually fall out of love with him and do what my wife did to me. So really make sure you want marriage as well , make sure you are always going to choose your partner over everyone else in this world , make sure you are going to remove selfishness for him and make him your top priority , because of you do not, your marriage will not last and it will just be a waste of time , you will sadly regret your decision in the long haul if he isn’t the man of your dreams. And if you are t the girl of his dreams you should reconsider marrying him as well. It’s best to really get to know each other before making that big commitment, or you will just be setting yourself up for disaster , trust me

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

Guys usually need to be in a comfy spot with their career and finances and overall lifestyle to contemplate marriage. So no debts, able to afford a proper home for a family, things of this nature. Usually it happens around 30 for a guy in my experience or never at all with only some rare exceptions.

[Asker]

Well I dont think this is the case for him. I think I have more in the bank than him.

[AviatorTom]

Simple, we guys want to make sure we are ready for marriage, we ant to make sure that she is the right one, and we want to make sure that there's a very good chance she'll say yes.

[coachTanthony]

Because deep down you ain't it and unfortunately they let 4 years go by now and everyone is now expecting you too. So just like the coward that guy is he does it and live happily miserable ever after.

[Asker]

I dont get how you are an influencer when you clearly get off on offending others. Im sure in myself enough that I dont believe misarable people like you are

[coachTanthony]

LOL speaking generally on how guys act in relationships

[Asker]

I dont think this is how they act. I have never met a guy who married just because they have been for too long

[coachTanthony]

I am sorry but this happens all the time. The man gets comfortable with the woman because she has no expectations/boundaries on marriage with the man therefor not fearing of losing her he sits back and chills. Problem is after a certain period of time he feels guilty and or pressure to move forward with something he never wanted in the first place with "that person." If a man wants you he will lock you down as soon as possible not sit back and chill... those men are cowards.

[CriticalCatDad123]

If we purposed too soon we would end up with someone who will just make our lives miserable. If we’re going to marry someone we have to make absolutely certain she isn’t going to ruin a man’s life. Too many divorces where the man loses everything even his kids. Why risk that for a woman in the now?

[Asker]

That sounds fair, but isn't 5 years too much for that?
At 3 I have already known all his good and bad traits

[CriticalCatDad123]

We’re not talking about his we’re talking about the woman’s.

[CriticalCatDad123]

Women are difficult to read and even more difficult to trust

[Goahead76]

Because it's a really bad deal for men.
Imagine you are being asked to sing a legal contract in front of you that says:
*If for any reason your contract partner decides they are unhappy with the arrangement they keep half your assets.

Combine that with knowing 80% of divorces are initiated by women, 90% if she's college educated. Oh and you'll lose the kids too.

God help the ones who are brave enough to sign this. I sympathize with these guys because it probably takes weeks or months to silence the nagging voice of reason in their head.

[Asker]

I have more money than him and I have more education than him. I am the one that can lose

[Goahead76]

I feel bad being that blunt, but I also say it because you might think it reflects on you and I don't think that's the overall reason for his hesitancy. Of course there are always difficulties in life that may delay things, but I think men in the past were much more eager. It's that eagerness that drove the romantic gestures. Like you said though,, you felt like you had to hound him about it. I wish it weren't like that, I think feminism and the legal system have stripped away all the incentives from men. Guys know they will get wrecked financially,
What country do you live in by the way?

[Asker]

Slovakia. Im Hungarian but I was born in Slovakia.
I understand what you mean and you are probably right.
I hate to say it, but men (at least here ) are less manly than the older generation.
My guy is a good man, his biggest mistake was lying about porn (I had a thread about a year ago here, and as I read through many threads, most girls suffer this thing where their man uses porn in secret). And even though he had his problems from a messed up family life, he really proved himself this past year. Seems like he needed more time to grow up, but now he takes responsibility.

[molonski2]

There is no hurry , no reason at all , and now you say you are " having doubts " or dont care , marriage is not something you can " force " him into , my advice to him after reading what you said -- WAIT !

Tomorrow is another day to behold.

[tzdc21]

Because we have to try and get over the threat of the law severely screwing us over if you decide to call it off one day, and the fact that over 50 percent of marriages fail and 80 percent of them are initiated by the woman doesn't help either.

[Anonymous]

Because men should never marry, especially today's women with past sexual partners and no desire to have a family. Men shouldn't even commit to a woman, just sex every so often. It's the only thing women are good for nowadays.

[Asker]

If I was like that, I would agree. I only had one partner before him and I was in a relationship with that guy for 5 years, so Im not a butterfly flying from flower to flower. I work for my money, I clean our home and I dont go out partying every Friday, also I dont keep male friends except the 2 guys I have known for 20 years.

[JHAYES317]

Uh that’s not that long…it’s normal to be in relationship for a few years before getting married…I’d say the ideal window is 5 - 10 years being together…I’d say once it hits 10 years is where you start questioning the guy’s intentions

[In_Trance]

I don't understand what the hurry is if it's really meant to be

[Asker]

But 5 years? I feel like its not true anymore. Just a stupid excuse so I won't leave

[In_Trance]

Again i don't see what the hurry is

[Asker]

Because if you already know you want to marry someone, why waste time? What he did with extending the time period was creating a vibe that he doesn't even want it. Now I am the one who doesn't want it, even though I want to be with him. I just can't take him seriously, like, you are 25, you have known ne for 5,5 years and only now do you feel like you should put a ring on it even thought I have been asking for like 2 years?

[In_Trance]

And you've just proven the point.

This is exactly why you don't rush into things

[Twalli]

My sister's boyfriend proposed, probably at their 5 year anniversary of dating. Not sure, because all I know is that they've been dating a few months less than my girlfriend and I, but I don't know the exact date. I am going to propose to my girlfriend at the 6 year mark of our anniversary. I just have to get the ring, but I've already gotten her mother's blessing and my parents'. I just need to ask her father and find a time to get a ring when she's not physically with me.