How do you tell your significant other what they’re doing wrong & bothers you, without them getting upset or annoyed with you in the process?

[ThaMaskedMarvel]

Has anyone cracked the code on this yet? I know that this is a big problem for many because tons of people can't take being told these things. It's embarrassing to them; it hurts their pride. Oh, they might be OK with you telling one thing, but Heaven forbid you have to tell them multiple things & it becomes a whole thing where they're saying that you are now annoying them by you telling them what annoys you about them 😵‍💫😂. Many are led to lash out & bring up what the other person is doing wrong in retaliation, too. What is the best way to do it with minimal (or dare I say... *gulp*... no) resentment occurring? By the way, this isn't for me personally. I'd just like to know if anyone else has cracked this yet. I think it's just good for everyone to be prepared when the time comes.

[DishLady]

If you can’t just be honest with the guy then you should consider not being in a relationship.


Having said that, there are suggested ways to diffuse the tension from delivering harsh critiques. Personally, I’ve seen them work and fail depending on the personality of the guy.


1. Don’t use accusatory tone. Avoid saying “You did _X_” or “You keep doing _X__” or “You’re always __X-ing_”. It puts the guy on the defensive and then there’s no progress made once the emotional wall goes up. Use neutral phrasing and then say it would be great to try [whatever alternative thing you’d like him to do].


2. Be specific. Don’t just make a grand statement. Point to a specific, fixable thing. A common example is: “The bathroom is always such a mess” (too broad, he’s not going to get that you mean HE IS MAKING the bathroom a mess). “Hon, please remember to put the seat down.” (specific, measurable request).


3. Reward system. Positive reinforcement goes a long way with a guy. You want him to keep the seat down or help with the chores? Make it worth his while with a fun reward he’ll remember. 😉

[jennifer_bloom]

It depends what the issue is. If a guy has a history of eating disorders, I will not comment on his weight when it changes. If I don’t like his diet but it’s important he eats a certain way, I will keep silent about it. If it’s something else, like he wants to eat chicken wings and I want him to eat tuna salad, I will speak up.

[DrPepper12]

The best tool I got in therapy was to ask the other person

Do you want me to help solve X?

Do you want me to listen about X?

It instantly makes the other person pause and THINK about what they want. Then when convo continues you know your role and THEN paraphrase what your hearing and say it back to them before offering your two cents.

Hope it helps!

[JacobJordan]

By not making it an attack. That always leads to them being defensive.

[electromagnetic]

When my partner and I were first dating, I used to be quiet when he did or said something that bothered me. We would have a casual conversation and then all the sudden, I just lose interest and did other things. Same thing when we would text, I’d just not respond.
one day, he said to just tell him when someone is bothering me even if it hurts his feelings because then it means he crossed the line.

[mandyfire98]

Wrong to who though? Wrong in general or what you think is wrong? Is it truly wrong? What is she doing that's wrong?

Many different ways to view this.

[VV3ZZY123]

It's called "I" sentinces.
I feel _blank_ when you _blank_
Or something like that

[VV3ZZY123]

www.psychologytoday.com/.../5-steps-telling-someone-they-hurt-or-disrespected-you

[VV3ZZY123]

"I statements"

[VV3ZZY123]

https://youtu.be/gG25Kq_3gmg?si=YUjDh5D_-04q3LqH

[NathanDavis]

timely, clearly and openly

[Iron_Man]

Just tell her