When was the right time to tell my boyfriend I've never done it before and still want to remain a virgin?

[Anonymous]

We've been dating for 4 months at this moment but neither of us talked about past relationships. That conversation somehow never showed up and he's someone that applies ''the past is the past'' equally to both genders.

The times he wanted to make further moves, even though I would've wanted to, I rejected his advances. He believes I'm just taking some time. Well yes, that's part of the reason but not the real reason. I don't have a past relationship. I'm 22, just graduated from college and have never done it before. This might sound stupid but I just find that too special (I'm not religious though) to just give it up easily. What if we break up and I already gave it up and I can have it back ever again, and I end up regret it for years? I

I would like the relationship to continue but I still want to remain a virgin. I don't feel secure giving it up. Honestly, I would just like to give it up to one person. I know. A stupid fantasy that doesn't work anymore. I'm too late.

Updates

24 d

I would just like to have sex with only one man in my life.

Updates

22 d

We've had this discussion by now. This is how he feels and thinks about it:
While my feelings and views are valid, this was something I should've mentioned from the beginning because he's not too much into the ''waiting till marriage'' part but can make an exception for me. He will stay for now but can't guarantee 100%. If it's too much for him to handle, he will have to break up.

[Cutegirl06]

I feel the same way you do! I have a boyfriend and we've had this talk about having making love and he totally respects me for it. He also is a virgin and we both feel the same way! While I've been dating him since I was 16, I think he might be the guy I marry when we both graduate college. I think it's great that you are not giving into societal pressures where you date a guy for 2 weeks and then hop in bed with him. I'm so fortunate to have found a guy that wants to remain a virgin and still wants to remain in the relationship. I think sex is something that is sacred (I'm not religious either) and should be shared with the right person who you want to spend the rest of your life with. It's not a stupid fantasy if it's what you want and the guy you're with wants. I've heard that having sex just to have sex makes you feel more lonely after. I want to have a real connection with the guy I'm having sex with, well making love too anyone can have sex. Hang in there, if a guy really loves you he'll wait in my opinion.

[silvermoon84]

I commend you for wanting to remain a virgin (I didn’t and I wish I had). I’m not currently sexually active, haven’t been in years and I really don’t care to be until I’m actually in a relationship. I think you definitely need to let him know so that he doesn’t feel rejected or like you don’t want him. If he’s truly meant to be in your life, he won’t run. I see where some of the men are coming from when they say you’re wrong for not telling him sooner, but I can understand why. It’s a tough conversation to have. I’ve had to have it (yes, even at my age), but my reason for not having sex is different from yours. I don’t believe in casual sex, and I have past trauma from years ago that I’m still trying to deal with that I fear dragging a poor, unsuspecting man into. Keep us posted 😊

[AI Opinion]

Oh, love, you're not late for anything! The perfect time to share your feelings and boundaries about remaining a virgin is now. Relationships thrive on honesty and understanding, and it sounds like your line of feelings about this is rooted deep in who you are. It’s not stupid at all; it's precious, and any partner worth their salt will respect that.

You mentioned he's understanding about the past being the past, which suggests he values the present and future more. Use that to your advantage by focusing on how you feel now and your hopes for the relationship moving forward. Remember, your worth isn't tied to your sexual experience or lack thereof. If he’s the right guy, he’ll support and respect your decisions.

Wanting to wait until you're completely sure is not just a fantasy; it's a choice that deserves respect. Let him know your feelings, your reasonings without fear, and believe that your feelings are valid. Have a heart-to-heart chat, and who knows? This might bring you even closer. 💖

[FuqUFggt]

Fuckig bot

[Asker]

@FuqUFggt
I've noticed but I don't listen to that AI bot

[Rei13]

It’s a pretty straightforward answer but you just need to talk to him about it. He will either respect it or he won’t. That is a conversation you should have had earlier on but honestly you’ve only been dating a few months so not unreasonable to bring up now. It’ll either be okay or it won’t, but if he doesn’t take it well or eventually tries to pressure you into it he isn’t the right person for you anyways.

[Asker]

yeah I've already told him by now. It's on the update. He can't guarantee 100% that he'll stay and can leave if this becomes too much for him to handle, said I should've have told him from the beginning.

[DrPepper12]

Keep communicating. It's really the best that can be done now that you've been honest.

[PavlovsCogk]

I found that fasting curbs the horny. Even while taking steroids the mere nutrient availability reduction from infrequent meals slows down the need to expel coom, thus it's not all about testosterone levels, they can stay high for muscular strength and you don't have to be a simultaneously horndog. Plus it's believed that you age slower with fewer meals, while getting more ripped (although sacrificing potential gains) and definitely not losing muscle if you support yourself with adequate protein intake, exercise and steroids. Maybe he'll enjoy it, maybe he's also into "loosening the etheric body for easier astral projection" by fasting... you can also think of people like @basement-bum, he's a fat fuck with low testosterone and yet is a cockbrain. Why not be the opposite, not be a cockbrain while not automatically implying being an impotent soyboy, there's potency just reduced due to low and infrequent food intake. I think laying off the cheetos and mountain dew for some fasting can be part of it. ﾠ

https://www.youtube.com/embed/dG5cZzbKvW0

[MrOracle]

Honestly, the right time to tell him was before you committed to each other. Note: I'm not saying you are wrong to want to wait, but you WERE wrong not to tell him that up-front. He deserves to know. How would you like it if he revealed, 4 months in, that he was a drug addict, or a serious criminal, or in $250,000 in debt? Any of those things would be really important to your future together, right? Well, this is no different. If any of these things were true, you'd have deserved to know about them going in, so that if any of them were a deal-breaker for you, you could have walked away and not wasted your time, energy, and feelings on him. Your issue is no different. You get to decide if you want to have sex or not and when, but you can't decide what HIS priorities are, and many guys aren't prepared to wait that long (and that's their right).

At this point, you need to tell him ASAP, and then give him time to make a decision - and you need to respect that decision even if you hate it, because you had an opportunity to go through with telling him back before you were deeply invested, and when an unwanted answer wouldn't have been nearly such a big deal. If telling him results in emotional pain for you now, that's your own fault, not his, and you absolutely should take responsibility for that and not blame him.

Things may still work out for you, but they might not. This is a pretty big bombshell, and he may well feel tricked and deceived, and if he does, there's likely no recovering from that.

[Asker]

Those are good examples and yes I would've deserved to know that earlier on. I feel bad for not telling him on time. It sounds like he just wants sex in a normal boyfriend and girlfriend relationship, then likely move in together at some point.
Meanwhile I really have a different agenda. I only want to have sex with one man in my life. There won't be any sex for now. I'm going to lose him as soon as I tell him this. I used to be honest in the past with dates whenever I said I wanted to remain virgin until getting commitment from a man but this scare away men so I avoided the words commitment and marriage, words men don't want to hear anymore.

[MrOracle]

You still have to tell them, and if they run away, they aren't the right guy for you. I know that's hard, but it's better to figure that out in the beginning, before you have invested time, money, and feelings on each other, then later when you have, and he might feel betrayed. You are obligated to be honest about this upfront, and it's better for everyone regardless of the outcome.

[Asker]

I'll talk to him about it sometime today when he gets off work. If it ends then he wasn't the right one for me. I feel as if I were living in the wrong era to be honest.
This might be like a weird analogy/comparison but in some ways I feel as if I were an electric eel to men, scaring them away fast as soon as they know my stance regarding waiting till commitment. The eel then swims away in sadness, waiting to be accepted, waiting for that brave one that has developed immunity to its electricity and remain there.
Well I'll see how today's conversation goes. I might have to move on and find someone else.

[Asker]

I've just added the update. Said he won't break up at the moment but can't guarantee. Said he might make an exception for me, depending on how the relationship proceeds.

[Moirine]

Hi,

I will say this from a religious point of view. I'm a virgin and have always wanted a man who will be on the same wavelength as me. In high school boys made advances on me disguised as "love interests". Two years ago I met my now christian boyfriend, told him what was up and turned out he was (still is) a virgin. It's so good and reassuring to know that this caring and loving relationship isn't built on seggsy action but mutual understanding and being equally yoked 💕. I'd say tell him and if he truly likes you, he wouldn't leave you for wanting to keep your purity. People like to say that virginity is a social construct and I totally disagree with that! It's not old fashioned or whatever. Don't worry about him leaving, if he leaves he was never made for you and along a man God created for you will come babe ✨ 🎀.

Thank you 🎀.

[_piotr]

"he wouldn't leave you for wanting to keep your purity."

If she wants to keep virginity forever, then draging a man into a white marriage is not a very good idea since living in the same house with a women can cause man to have temptations to sin e. g. via masturbation or impure thoughts. Also this may break family continuity since there will be no children. Sometimes leaving can be justified if he feels he can't handle this physically or psychically. For women it is easy since women do not experience much physical attraction, but it is not so easy for men because of difference in biology. Keeping virginity forever might be a very good thing if you consider joining a religious order or a monastery.

[_piotr]

Myself, I believe it would be best, for religious causes, to have a maximum of one or two sex encounters with wife just to have children only, but this goal might be hard for me as I am a man, but since I noticed my sex drive fortunatelly dwindles with age it could be possible.

[Asker]

It's great to hear you've found your match. I've just told him but he can't guarantee he'll still be in the relationship later on but for now will try.
@_piotr
I don't plan on keeping my virginity forever but I don't want to have sex with a boyfriend, at least not while we're dating. I'm really agnostic but actually plan on keeping my virginity till my wedding. I used to be honest and straight-forward with dates in the past but I've always felt like I was some type of electric eel towards men, scaring them away whenever I would be honest. Or the conversations on chat would go well but whenever the topic about our goals came out and I told him waiting till marriage, I would get ghosted.
So yeah it's like there isn't a nicer way to tell a man he's never going to get sex while he's only a boyfriend but rather after the wedding.

[_piotr]

"It's great to hear you've found your match." No I haven't. I am alone.
What scares them off is that without valid reason (religious or other understandable) you refuse sex. The refutal is by your whim without any external pressure. Thus they are scared that you hate sex generally, do not need it or will want to remain virgin forever and they will land with you in sexless marriage in which they will suffer. Please understand that men feel sexual tension and it is very hard for us so many men can react negatively to your decision and be afraid of it.

[Asker]

@_piotr
My first sentence was for Moirine, lol. She is lucky to have found an understandable man.
As in my case, well I do have a sex drive but it's my own feelings of wanting that special day, moment for me. Even without religion, for me (in my views), my virginity is like a sacred temple only accessible to the one I'll spend the rest of my life with, not someone who can maybe break-up at some point, that I won't even form a family with him. If I were to give in to sex during the relationship, what's the guarantee he'll be with me for life and I'll have kids with him?

[_piotr]

I can tell you how it looks from man's point of view:

--"my virginity is like a sacred temple" --> Without religion behind this feel versy suspicious, like a cult or fixation/obsession with purity or may indicate some sort of insanity.

-- not someone who can maybe break-up at some point, --> without religion, husband can just divorce you.

--- what's the guarantee he'll be with me for life and I'll have kids with him? --> Man may fear: what is the guarantee that you will have sex with him after marriage. If without reason you choose to not have sex before, than you might suddenly flip-flop and say there will be no sex after marriage as well. The line is thin here.

I do not say this to force to change you. Just to let you know why men are scared of your approach.

[Berethor]

4 months? you should told a lot time ago, you right to be worried about losing your virginity but if you don't want to have sex with him then why are you are with him? it okay to wait until marriage even if you are not religious, but you should tell him that you wait.

https://allthetropes.org/wiki/Nature_Adores_a_Virgin

[Asker]

I used to be honest with dates in the past and it would scare men away. Either I wouldn't hear from them again or someone would find me weird about how can I go on with having a boyfriend without sex, without normal desires. Mentioning the words commitment or marriage for men has now become like a disease, as if it was some bad word or something.
So my approach changed to not even mentioning the topic but avoid sex without any explanation, making the guy think I'm just taking my pace when that's not the real reason.

[Berethor]

I see, so you basically tricking guys, are you that desperate to be in a relationship?

[Asker]

I don't want sex if we're just boyfriend and girlfriend. It would've been great to have first time sex after my wedding day, if that's still possible today.

[Asker]

I would like it if the man actually looks forward into commitment and isn't just doing it out of pressure for me. Honestly, I don't like what I'm doing now (tricking guys, only for him to realize sex isn't going to happen unless it's a lifetime commitment) but don't want to feel like I'm nagging a man either.

[Berethor]

That's still possible today, and it not nagging to tell them your requirements, it honesty.

[AmyHew1tt]

You do know an intact hymen isn't technically synonymous with virginity, right?

[Berethor]

The saying don't has to be taken literally but hymen tend to be good proof for virginity.

[AmyHew1tt]

I mean, given most girls' hymens are broken long before they have sex in modern times, I really don't think so.

[Anonymous]

I would have said right away. You don’t want to get to that point to where you’re so attached now after dating for a few months, then he finds out, next thing you know he leaves you. Now you’re heartbroken. Just be grown up about it. Express to him your concerns. I’d express to him you won’t hold it against him if he wants out, but your morals won’t ever change on this. But you have to mean what you say if you choose to say you won’t hold it against him. Tell him you don’t want to lead him on, it’s just how you feel, your values. Men feel loved when they have sex, along w other things but a big part of it is the sex. So when you’re not having sex w him he feels like he’s not loved, like something is wrong. Similar to women, but women can feel loved in many other ways from their partner. A lot of times it’s sex for men. This may seem like hard thing to do but you need to bring it up soon. Better now than 6 months from now when it’s even harder.

[PBandJ_Nerd]

Just be honest with him and tell him how you feel. Most people would tell the person they're dating that first, but you're not too late to tell him. In my opinion, it's better to tell him now than never. You wouldn't want to keep waiting to tell otherwise he'd get the idea that you're not interested in him like that, which isn't true if you really do like him.

[lisaleib]

Yes he will love to know this. Every man wants to be the first. Then own you forever! DM me if you want to know how to stay a virgin but enjoy it!

[Asker]

I just told him by now but he isn't that excited/thrilled at the ''being the first'' part. He does thinks my feelings and views are just as valid too but he isn't too much into waiting till marriage and that this is something I should've told him from the beginning. Though depending on how the relationship proceeds, he might make an exception for me and wait for me, but can't guarantee and if this becomes too much for him to handle, he'll break-up.

[lisaleib]

Do you at least have enjoyable foreplay? DM me if more comfortable.

[HawkPerception]

It's something that has to be said at the start. If you don't clarify that you want to continue being sexually abstinent, you are leading him on and might be setting up false expectations. It might make him leave, but it's the right thing to do instead of wasting his time. Don't be selfish with people.

[Peridot25]

Telling someone you’re a virgin is definitely nerve wrecking. You don’t know how they’re going to react.
I think now would be a good time to tell him. If he asks why you didn’t say anything in the beginning, say your reasons. I’m sure he’ll understand but just be prepared if anything goes south. Not saying it will but just be ready.

[Peridot25]

And reassure him you do want sex but you don’t want to give it up so easily.

[bobby_bush_eater]

I would say have the conversation ASAP. I'm not a virgin but I don't plan to have premarital sex again and I straight up tell women that if there's a 2nd date.

It's not wrong that you haven't but you don't want to lead him on/give him the wrong impression. Be honest about it. It's not stupid it is special and don't allow someone to dictate the opposite to you.

[SeriouslyNotSerious]

First of all.. I respect your values, but then, you should've mentioned celibacy from the start to avoid wasting time and false hopes. Not everyone have the same traditional value in these modern times, unfortunately.

[Asker]

I understand and he's within his rights to leave if he can't handle it anymore. He said he's going to try and base on how the relationship goes and how he feels about it later on, he might make an exception and wait for me or he can leave.

[_piotr]

Can you garantee that you will want sex after marriage or you want to remain virgin forever? If forever, maybe it is better to join some monastery thant to drag a man into a white marriage.

[Asker]

I want to have sex with a husband, not a boyfriend.

[dustybiker2]

If it's a block for you like this it needs to be brought up early. Four months was a long time. That's a huge chunk of someone's best years.

[SotiCoto]

The right time was more than 4 months ago, obviously.

[DrPepper12]

Admirable but not realistic. Can he be the one? If not you need to tell him yesterday.

[Friendlybro79]

You should have told him 3 months ago if you're four months in now. Meaning tell him now.

[RavVid]

There is no good time to tell a man he is never getting sex unless he marries you.

[Asker]

I just told him. It's on my update. Ok so he isn't breaking-up at this moment and might make an exception for me depending on how the relationship proceeds but if he finds it too much to handle, he'll break-up. He can't guarantee that he's going to stay.

[RavVid]

Curious. If he asked you to marry him, would you? You might already know it would be a No or maybe it's a maybe.

[Asker]

I would accept the proposal but would have an extended engagement for a year at least. A marriage proposal doesn't mean you have to get married the following day. We can say yes but remain as engaged for the meantime.

[RavVid]

That is a good plan. You really do need to know the person well before marriage. Particularly what they are like under stress.

[Asker]

Precisely. Knowing someone well isn't just about how they would be like in the bedroom. It's actually knowing their flaws, character, habits, do we even share similar views on how to raise a child, etc

[RavVid]

Exactly. I would like to know how someone is if they are angry with me.

[FunkyMonkee]

Preferably before he tried anything with you. Afterwards is too late.

[Asker]

I have a feeling that he just wanted regular sex in a relationship and likely move in together afterwards (that's the norm) but my feelings about wanting to remain a virgin run so deeper. I'm afraid the only way would be for a man to actually want me in his life. The reason I didn't mention that is because this tends to nowadays scare men away. They don't want to hear the dreaded words commitment or marriage so I try to avoid the topics. The thing is even if I get the next boyfriend, he isn't going to get sex either.
So I guess I should let him know now why sex isn't happening. I have a feeling I'll lose him.

[FunkyMonkee]

You, basically, want an old-fashioned guy that's willing to wait. They probably still exist but, I don't know that they're in great numbers, anymore.

[Asker]

That's pretty much it. I'm trying to find a way to say it without scaring men away. I used to get ghosted for that. The conversation about our goals on chat would go very well until I brought up that topic. Then I wouldn't hear from him again. Sucks.

[FunkyMonkee]

Yeah, that does! But, that's the climate of sexual expectations, these days. You can't put the toothpaste back into the tube. Or, once you've given someone a taste of a certain form of freedom, they rarely ever wanna go back to not having it.

[Asker]

I just updated my situation. Yeah he really wanted a sexual relationship and move in at some point. He does thinks while my feelings and views as just as valid too, I shoud've mention this from the beginning, not this late. Though he might make an exception for me and wait for me depending on how the relationship proceeds. Though he can't guarantee for now that he'll stay in the future and if he finds it hard to handle, he'll break-up.

[Kimberly1979]

Tell him asap. If he got a problem then you’s wasn’t meant to be.