I got friend zoned by a guy online is this a good message to tell him my feelings are hurt? Looking for feedback?

[Anonymous]

So our backstory is that we met online and he lied to me about his name. For a long time he acted like things were fine but then after some months he said that he still thought I was hot and liked being my friend but had a hard time trusting me. I’m feeling hurt, is this a good message to send to explain my feelings? Any advice on how to make it less threatening?

Hey so honestly I didn’t think you’d reach out when I left (the site where we were talking), but here we are and I feel like I need to get this off my chest moving forward:

I’m feeling confused and hurt that you continued to engage in sexual conversations with me for so long when you were actually feeling weary of me. It makes me doubt whether you’re being genuine and wonder if you actually want to be friends or if this is more of a “keep your enemies close” type of situation.

As I said almost a year ago, I fully understand if you don’t want to talk now that I know who you are. I’d rather we went our separate ways rather than for you to stay out of fear or not wanting to hurt my feelings.

If I have to pretend that I don’t know your name and question whether you’re talking to me just to be nice I just don’t think that I can consider that a friendship.

Updates

1 y

Just worked out a new version, what do you think?

B.

Hey so there’s something that I’ve been wanting to share with you for quite awhile now.

I’m feeling confused and hurt knowing that you continued to engage in sexual conversations with me for so long when you were actually feeling wary of me. It really makes me wonder if you are being genuine with me at all.

Updates

1 y

As I said almost a year ago, I fully understand if you don’t want to talk now that I know who you are. But feeling like I need to pretend that I don’t know your name and having to wonder whether you’re talking to me just to avoid conflict makes me feel like the connection might not be natural anymore.

I know I can’t change your feelings, but I’m working on cultivating more self-love and that doesn’t negate mine.

[RavVid]

I think "lets be friends" is just a soft way of exiting stage left and maybe (quite kindly) not wanting to hurt the other persons ego.

Can you really have 1000 facebook friends? Can you really be friends with dates that didn't work out? I think not in most cases and it doesn't seem like you are friends.

I one place you say weary and in another you say wary. It seems that your major complaint is that he spun you out for a long time and nothing in the interaction was genuine on his part.

I think you could just focus on voicing you feel hurt that the previous sentence was the case when he could have just been honest.

[Asker]

@ravvid I agree sounds kind of like a way out but then why does he keep talking to me? Why did he ask about me when I deleted on the site where we met? Should I just stop responding or is it worth saying goodbye? I feel guilty because I was also distant with him a few months ago and that’s when this all started so part of me feels like maybe I should address that?

[RavVid]

I don't think it is worth your time particularly if he confuses you. A person who is worthwhile won't confuse you

[Asker]

@ravvid Feeling more and more that way by the moment. If he asks I can always clarify, but I think he knows exactly what he’s doing.

[OneViewpoint]

Wow, you're not gonna like this but this is a YOU problem, not a him problem. He gave you everything you needed to come to a rational decision. And you keep wanting to talk to this guy.

You don't matter to him. You're not even in the friend zone. You're in the getting used zone. This guy sounds toxic. Why do you even need to get the last word in. Let silence be your last act with him.

Gather up your self respect. Cut him off. Never look back. And go find someone who doesn't do this stuff to you.

[Asker]

@oneviewpoint you are absolutely right. I need to work on my self-worth because part of me started wanting him even more when he told me not to call him by his name. Like I don’t think I’ve ever been so humiliated in my entire life but instead of making me want to run, it made me want to prove I was worthy. Feeling like absolute trash about it…

[OneViewpoint]

Hey, you see that now. If you can recognize the behavior you can do something about it. It's a life lesson. Don't waste it. The asshole did you a favor.

[AI Opinion]

On Girls Ask Guys, I'm here to sprinkle some love advice! Let's add a touch of warmth to that message. 😉 It's good that you're expressing your feelings. Transparency is the key to trust. Maybe say, "Hey, I cherish the connection we've built, but I need to share that I'm hurt and confused by mixed signals. It feels like we're playing a game of trust and uncertainty, and I'd like some clarity. If we're going to be friends, let's ensure it's genuine on both sides. 💔" Ending on an open note invites sincerity without pressure.

[SteveSmith1985]

Wow. I have to say, that I'm looking at I guess the final version after some revisions. I don't think you need to change anything aside from one thing. I think you should be perfectly clear that you do not want him in your life anymore.

All you need is one line on the end that makes it more of a "I'm done completely"

I have no idea what went on with this guy. It was obviously over at least a year, and he obviously caused you enough grief to take time to craft this letter. (and maybe you've already sent it by now)

Not having any more information than your letter, and little blurb... Let me tell you my impression. Totally not knowing what happened at all. My impressions in no particular order:

1. "Wow, this is a really well crafted letter, she obviously put a lot of thought into it"

2. "What the fuck? What happened here. Why is this guy so sketchy about his real name? why would that matter for talking to this girl or not? Pretend not to know his name? This is the sketchiest dude ever. That whole thing sounds like it was sketchy from the start.

3. "NO! OMG! This guy's definitely not genuine! How does she not see this guys NOT genuine.

4. "This guy is not a friend. (enemies closer? what in the hell?). This guy sucks. And did something shitty to this girl already. Popped back up after a year? and is fucking with her life again. This guy sucks. I hope she doesn't cave on not being friends with this guy. He SUUUUUUCKS!"

5. "He's just the kind of guy you need to be firm with or he won't stay fucked-off. I think she needs one more line at the end."

6. "This asshole friend zoned her? How does that work. This girl seems nice, attractive, articulate, and he seems just terrible. How is a girl like this falling for a guy like that? Well I guess you don't know the history. Still, that seems backwards. Very backwards. I hope she cuts ties with this guy and finds someone better."

7. Thank god he DID friendzone her. Imagine if he didn't? That would be bad. He sucks, and clearly hasn't treated her very well. (please don't hate me for thinking it. I know you're hurt. still. I think it...)

So now, again. I don't what happened at all between you two. Some things won't apply because... these are just my impressions. A random stranger looking in from the outside. None of it may be useful.

I did have a strong series of reactions as I read your letter over several times. Maybe the impression I gleaned is totally inaccurate or unfair.

He does sound like a guy you don't want to keep around. Even as a friend. You might need to be firm and clear about that for him to hear it. You go cultivate yourself some self-love. That sounds like an excellent plan. Don't let him mess it up. Keep him out of your life if that's what you've decided to do (which I hope you have).

Good luck

🙂

[Summeroflove]

He lied to you and strung you along you have the right to feel the way you feel as well as distance yourself from him allowing yourself to grieve. I agree it’s a heartfelt message don’t sugar coat it send it. You have a right to express how you feel.

[AviatorTom]

There's no reason to send that message. He's probably not going to read it. Writing it probably made you feel good, and that's the best you're going to get. Move on!

[Asker]

@aviatortom we talk quite frequently so I’m sure he’d read it. Just hard to accept that if I do hit send that means the end pretty much!

[Asker]

@TatesGirl62 Thank you! I appreciate your input 😊

[bowenw]

I think you should send it to get it off your chest.

Here are a couple of suggestions to make it sound less accusatory if that is your goal:

Remove the words: "Hey so honestly"

Consider changing this sentence: It makes me doubt whether you’re being genuine and wonder if you actually want to be friends or if this is more of a “keep your enemies close” type of situation.To something like: It makes me wonder if we should continue to be friends.

[Asker]

Thank you!! This is very helpful :)

[bowenw]

I like the update. It is simple and to the point.

[bowenw]

Thank you for the MHO. 😊

[Amy10223]

I would try to (and please be careful, too many horror stories out there) meet men after meeting them online in person, in a public place. I thought you meant he had ghosted you for some reason, but he wants to be a friend instead of what you're hoping for. Maybe, he is tired of doing what you were both doing. Maybe he has found someone else?

However, he lied toy about his name, and other things to make him seem he is not trusting anyone. Do you want someone with trust issues? I would try to find someone else soon and forget about this one.

You can go ahead and send the message to see what he replies, and hopefully it will make things more clear for you.

[PeachyPie93]

If you don't want to talk to him because it is hurting you then delete him. Any guy that can get sexy conversation or nudes from you is not gonna give you up, even if he doesn't actually like you. They literally don't care about how you feel especially if he told you he only sees you as a friend. He just says nice things to keep you on the hook but he really doesn't care about you or your emotions. This relationship is on you, so let it go and move on so you won't seem so desperate. Trust me I deal with these kind of guys on the regular.

[Blunky]

I'm kind of confused on what the message is here.

Do you want to be with him or not?

Parts of that read to me like you're done with him and other parts read like you still want to work things out.

[Asker]

Hey what about this updated version B? I’m torn about it but I kind of want to leave it open to discussion. I couldn’t fit it in the last paragraph which says:

As much as I enjoy talking to you, unless we can talk this through and change our dynamic, I feel that I’m disrespecting myself by continuing to chat with you.

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts on this!

[Asker]

@blunky also considering this short version:

Hey so I wasn’t expecting you to reach out after I left (website name) and after some thought, I think I need to let this friendship go. I’m working on cultivating more self-love and unless our dynamic changes, continuing to chat is hurting my self-esteem. Open to talking about it but also don’t want to bore you with a long message. Take care 😊

[Douglas1180]

Why not just send him a flogger and tell him "You've been a very, very bad boy." Then make him whip himself while you masturbate.

[Asker]

🤣🤣🤣🤣

[SUMAIREBRAHIM]

It's his opinion please respect his opinion
Treat him n react in a way how u would wanna be treated when u friendzone guy if ur uninterested... Like do u want that guy to confront u? If no... Then u shouldn't confront him too

[Asker]

@sumairebrahims so it’s better to ghost him than tell him what I’m feeling? I’m in no way insinuating that I want to push this guy to be physically attracted to me or something, but what if he asks why I stopped messaging him? Am I forced to be friends with him also?

[nawtee_me]

My thoughts if something like this happens to me is.” What if it were me friend zoning someone”. What would I think if the responded back to me like that? What would I think of them then?

[Asker]

@nawtee_me thank you! That’s a good way to put things into perspective 😊

[Hobobobo]

The first version of the message was already good. I don't think it needed changing. Second version is also fine. You are a good communicator.

Have confidence, and just send the message.

[JesseP1nk]

You are hurt, i get it. But im not sure what would you gain by sending this. Try him to feel bad? Then what? He would change his mind about dating you by guilt tripping?- What can go possibly wrong, right? I would not send him anything, i would just forget about him and move on.

Ladies, when a guy put you in the friendzone and saying "you are hot" That means he wanna fuck you but do not wanna date you.

[Asker]

@jessep1nk more to have some closure I guess and because he’s been nice to me and always reaches out. Kind of feels weird to ghost.

[Asker]

@jessep1nk thinking of saying this:
Hey, so I was a little bit surprised that you reached out after I left Tumblr and after some thought, I’m not sure if staying friends is what’s best for me.
I’m working on cultivating more self-love, and as much as I enjoy talking to you, unless our dynamic changes, continuing to do so is hurting my self-esteem.
Open to talking about it, but also don’t want to bore you with an essay.
Take care 😊

[TheSpaceGnome]

Dont beg a guy to pay attention to you.
Anyone who actually cares about you will bug the crap out of you just to spend quality time together.

[Shiprex]

Reasonable query to pass on to him but I struggle to see why you'd still keep contact with him.

[Staximus]

You're talking about some guy you talk to online, not even a real friendship or relationship in person. Get on with your life already and only worry about people you actually see in person on a regular basis

[Staximus]

Time to start living in the real world, not the fake online world

[DishLady]

No, just leave him alone.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

You didn’t send it yet?

[Asker]

No, I don’t think I will. Sounds too negative to me. I need to find a way to make it more open!

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

I would just eliminate the line about “keep your enemies close” and send the rest. You’re overthinking it and it’s fine.

[Asker]

@cupcakethedestroyer Thank you! That makes sense! Feel like the message reads more slamming the door shut than anything though. I’m afraid it doesn’t leave enough room to talk things through.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

You wrote how you feel, you’re setting boundaries, if that feels like “ending it” then you’ve been giving too much of yourself away to see reason anymore. Just send it

[Asker]

@cupcakethedestroyer I know it would be for the best, it’s just easier said than done because I’m so back and forth on it and I can also see where he’s coming from. I’m going to sleep on it!

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

You’re not gonna send it at all at this rate. Just take the coward’s way out and ghost him if your spine is this weak

[RedInnocent69]

Don’t bother. It won’t mean anything to him, and won’t bring you any joy

[Asker]

@redinnocent69 what if I don’t bother and then send B if and when he misses me?

[Asker]

@redinnocent69 this message

Hey, so I was a little bit surprised that you reached out after I left Tumblr and after some thought, I’m not sure if staying friends is what’s best for me.
I’m working on cultivating more self-love, and as much as I enjoy talking to you, unless our dynamic changes, continuing to do so is hurting my self-esteem.
Open to talking about it, but also don’t want to bore you with an essay.
Take care 😊

[RedInnocent69]

Sure, if and when being the operative phrase

[Eempriyanka]

How long do I get to live? Who's gonna take care of me? I feel like a child..

What happens in future?

[MoonFace2]

Yes 🥰. It’s quite reasonable and fair.

[In_Trance]

Don't bother just move on

[Asker]

@in_trance so you think I should ghost him? It’s funny because I asked about this guy in a poll yesterday and everybody answered talk it out or say goodbye 😂

[In_Trance]

Have you ever met this guy face to face

[Asker]

@in_trance I know for sure that he’s not a catfish but we haven’t met in person

[In_Trance]

I can't tell you what a colossal waste of time this is.
Move on and meet someone in person and have a real connection

[blackeagle007]

Have you ever met him?

[Asker]

@blackeagle007 I haven’t but I do know that he is not a catfish.

[blackeagle007]

But you STILL haven’t met him!! Why don’t you two meet already? I feel this is a waste of time

[Asker]

@blackeagle007 really far apart, works really long hours, it’s complicated!

[blackeagle007]

Obviously on the complicated thing.

[GAGsucksballs89170]

Why would it matter

[vj0090]

Let's connect in private?