What should I do if another woman is putting a strain on my relationship?

Question

My boyfriend of almost 1 year has a female friend that he has been increasingly getting closer with over the past 5 months. From the first time he met her, I have been very clear that I was uncomfortable with them becoming friends. She was my coworker and made my largest project impossible to finish so I was already annoyed with her. And there were some situations between him and her that made me uncomfortable. It also doesn’t help that she’s exactly his “type”. Over time, they’ve been texting more, she invites him to places (just him, not in a group), and she has him on private stories on social media. Every time something involving her happens, I express that it’s fine if they’re friends (since that’s already established) but it makes me upset that they’re getting closer. We had an argument and he told me he doesn’t want to stop talking to her because he cares about her and doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. Hearing this made me feel like I’m evil and controlling but I have this horrible gut feeling about the situation. I try my best to be understanding and fair but it brings me so much pain because I told him for months how their friendship hurts me and he continues to deepen his connection with her. He has so many friends, women and men, but it’s JUST HER that I’m uncomfortable with. How do I even handle it before it becomes a breaking point? Am I being unreasonable? He’s a great partner but this is the one thing that is causing problems between us.

abc3643 · Accepted Answer

You wrote: It also doesn’t help that she’s exactly his “type”. What I am implying from this is that, if this concerns you, then you AREN'T his "type". Then maybe you should move on no matter what and find a man for whom you are his "type". I want to be clear about this too... Whoever this woman is, she will not be the only one who will be his "type" which means you might be concerned about those other future women too. As for this: From the first time he met her, I have been very clear that I was uncomfortable with them becoming friends.  That _IS_ controlling. You may be uncomfortable, but deal with it. A relationship is built on trust and if you don't trust him, then you shouldn't be in a relationship with him... But, if you are going to feel this way about any future boyfriend, then you need to work on yourself. That said, I understand where you are coming from and I empathize a bit. I don't think you are being the asshole here. At the same time, I understand his perspective too and, I gotta tell you, he may dump you anyway - more likely because of this increased tension over this other woman more than to be with the other woman herself. He's not completely off-the-hook here too. I hate using psychobabble but he needs to establish his own boundaries with this woman which 1) placates you but 2) allows him to interact with this woman in an acceptable way for himself as well. === I'm sort of rambling a bit here and perhaps that's because there is no clear good guy, bad guy in this 3-way situation. I am not optimistic about your relationship overall, but I will not advocate you dumping him. You are both young and what you are going through is something many young people go through. You more or less grow out of it later because you learn that trust is absolutely imperative for the success of a relationship; without it, there's going to be friction and eventual death of the relationship. Finally, I will give you some simple advice that women have given for generations: If you want to keep a man, keep his stomach full and his balls empty. If you do that and don't bust his balls, then he will remain with you and you'll have no worries from her or any other woman.

Finchie40 · Accepted Answer

It’s time For you to dump him and find yourself a guy that wouldn’t do that to you period , Your boyfriend is clearly overlooking your feelings by ignoring how you feel about his friendship with this other
Girl , it’s disrespectful on his part to do that to you , if he truly loved you and cared about you , he wouldn't be spending time with that girl whatsoever, so the fact that he is , just shows his true colors that he only likes the convenience of You but only cares about himself instead. How would he feel ifYou were spending time with a so called guy friend that he didn’t care for? When a partner doesn’t wear your shoes the same way you wear theirs , they aren’t a good partner whatsoever, and dumping them should be no loss to you because they never valued you the way you valued them. I would never stay in a relationship with a girl that was investing time and spending time with the opposite sex period , Guys’ do not invest a lot of time into a female friend period over his partner , because he knows he doesn’t want his partner doing that to him , so the fact that he is doing that to you , is a red flag that you shouldn’t ignore , dump his ass and find
Yourself a guy that actually loves and respects you period

bobalife · Accepted Answer

@jazzy34 kept it on point.
First of all, girl, you are the *girlfriend* who vocalize you did NOT feel comfortable and oppose it at the beginning. Yet he still continue while being inconsiderate of your feelings. You are not unreasonable. HE is being inconsiderate of your feelings anddd boundaries. Reflect on this, do you still want this guy as your boyfriend? If you wanna stay, give him an ultimatum at this point or time to move on. You are hurting yourself when he’s not listening and respecting your feelings. And you can emphasize that he’s def choosing her feelings over your feelings. He’s playing a weird pity card. Like I get it but you’re his girlfriend and that’s just some random girl. I had exes who did small things like this and it’s honestly yellow to red flags. It might get worse if he doesn’t step up. You need clarity or boy bye cuz you deserve better and respect in your relationship! I hope it works out with or without him. Even if she is his type, he’s with you and show that he is committed to you. I don't know how old he is but he sounds immature and yellow to red flags tbh. I have guys who literally kept their distance from me and I know why w/o them saying anything bc I’m sure their significant other does not feel comfortable with their men getting close to me or being attracted to me. It sucks to lose friends, but I respect that a man respect his woman and their relationship. You deserve that from your man too!

DishLady · Accepted Answer

So this is a recurring issue for women and one of my (VERY PHILANDERING) guy friends tells me that the guy is just testing out two things... YOUR TRUST and HIS WILLPOWER. It's not that he's not interested in you. He's trying to see whether you trust him to do the right thing, whether you'll overcompensate when you hear about what he's done with the other gal, etc. He's also making sure that you're his person (in HIS mind and heart).

Having said this, NO ONE WOMAN can really be everything to her guy -- just as no one guy can be everything to his gal. We have friends who fulfill different aspects of our lives. I don't insist that the guy I'm dating know all of shakespeare by heart HOWEVER I DO HAVE A GUY FRIEND WHO DOES and he's quite amusing to hang out with! Would I marry the Shakespeare guy? NO, that would be annoying af. I want my big old Teddybear Guy at the end of the day who I can cuddle up and be stupid with, who thinks I'm his little nymph, lol. It's a different sort of thing you want from the person you're "with" versus the person you're friends with.

Don't be jealous. When you feel that jealous energy rising up just walk away from it and go do something you love to do just for yourself.

Girl... you've got this. Don't let the little chippy get in your head.

Love Doctor Brad · Accepted Answer

Ooh, love’s complicated dance! It’s like the tango—passionate, intricate, and sometimes your feet get stepped on. Balancing jealousy and trust is tough, especially when your guy’s close friend tango jolts your gut feelings. Trust your instincts but keep your cool! Have an open-heart chat with him, no lovebombing pressure, just a heart-to-heart. Express your all the feels without playing tug-of-war. Remember, expressing your emotions isn’t controlling; it’s legit. Best to twirl back into a loving rhythm without ghosting your own feelings. 💃😊

Screenwriter · Answer

If you've told him that his relationship with her "hurts" you and you're uncomfortable with it, it would seem to me that his relationship with her is more important to him than your feelings are.

This doesn't bode well for your relationship, to me. I would ask him why not hurting her is more important than hurting you, as you have very clearly stated.

And frankly, it appears your relationship, for whatever reason, seems to have have taken a back seat to his relationship with her.

You haven't know this man for very long, but the signs appear to have been ramping up months ago, haven't they? The private phone arrangement, etc.

Doesn't look like he's going to tell you it's over, so it might be best for you to disengage from a man who doesn't care about your emotional hurt or discomfort, and that his interaction with another woman appears to be more and more important in his life than you are.

Good luck. See a counselor for support if you need to.

Zack-Bann · Answer

I may be old fashioned in my worldview on this one
But I believe significant others should have veto power to end their partner’s friendship with someone from the opposite sex.

I had an ex who was friends with this guy.
He would invite her over to read and discuss the books they’re both into.
Cook dinner together.
All that stuff

She swore nothing romantic ever happened and I believed her.
But I was still uncomfortable with her investing so much time into this guy especially when I ended up having to wiggle myself into her schedules because of him.

It broke us up.

And your situation seems to be headed in the same direction

The only healthy couples I know tend to be very territorial over one another

Meaning no friends from the opposed sex unless it’s social friends that are part of a group

Definitely not intimate bffs

You need to draw the line
You or her

Whatever he choses you still win in the end

jazzy34 · Answer

“We had an argument and he told me he doesn’t want to stop talking to her because he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings.”

Soooo. Let me get this straight. He’s considering her feelings but not yours? He’s considering her feelings but not yours. Really take a moment to reflect on that. Honey, he already has one foot out the door. If he was truly a great partner, she would not be a problem. For all you know, they’re probably already sleeping together. Why else would she invite him out solo and he actually accepts? That was another red flag that jumped out at me. Kick this joker to the curb.

sage2021 · Answer

You need to bow out gracefully with this guy now, because the writing is on the wall already that he's going to end it with you and hook up with her.

So, end it first and you'll save yourself from getting hurt when he breaks your heart.

In fact, that's what he's wanting right now. They are probably both wondering why you're still in the picture anyway.

He's probably told her that he wants you to be the one to end things with him because he doesn't want to hurt you. Yeah right!

They probably ask themselves why is she hanging on so long and taking what he's dishing out to you.

Actually, you are embarrassing yourself by staying around and letting him be with her - because he IS with her already.

Have some self respect, kick up your heels 👠 👠 and walk away from him. Period.

midnightmoon05 · Answer

He is with her not you.
Cut him off asap…he doesn’t love you or respect you.

heal up… get a diff job. Meet someone who will treat you right

your mistake?
how did they become friends to begin with if she works with you?

does he also work with you both in the same place？

Unap0logetic_ · Answer

After reading the comments it seems most people are in agreement with you leaving him. That’s the best advice for this particular situation. He’s the only one benefiting from the situation. He’s also inconsiderate of your feelings and how the situation is affecting you. He doesn’t sound like a good person to be in a relationship with. It eventually gets worse and worse sometimes. Give him an ultimatum, it’s your or her.

Miristheiss · Answer

There is power in walking away.

Do not stay in a situation rhat gives you pain and misery. I would not be with a woman that wanted to keep some close male friend around. That is an unaccetable boundary.

Walk away. Why stay if you are going to be miserable? Just tell him you do not commit to men who keep close opposite sex friends and leave.

jshm2 · Answer

Well... have you thought about getting her into a lesbian relationship?

It would expose which of them is the "cheater" and if there is anything going on.

But it may be likely she's getting back at you for what you did to her at work.

Staximus · Answer

A great partner? he's a shitbag. If he was a supposedly great partner, he would be considerate of your feelings and not be putting those kind of thoughts in your head with his actions. It sounds like there is a romance growing between them and he needs to pick you or her. You should just tell him to fuck off into the sunset before you get hurt, he's obviously talking to her behind your back.

Zionne · Answer

You’re not being unreasonable — it’s natural to feel uneasy when your partner keeps getting closer to someone you already had tension with, especially when you’ve voiced your feelings clearly. It’s not about controlling him; it’s about feeling respected and emotionally safe. At this point, focus less on convincing him to stop and more on expressing how his choices are affecting your trust — if he values the relationship, he’ll make space for your comfort too.

Baisaaa · Answer

Run… I mean it…run… No man will tell to his g/f he cares about other girl and doesn’t want to hurt her. Well, clearly he doesn’t care about your feelings then, as the one hurting now is you. He is being disrespectful towards you. I, who has had a share of b/f, those who were into me (really into me) when they saw let’s say girl on the bike they saw bike not the girl….

lorenzomichael · Answer

I beat the living shit out of her go up to her grab her fucking hair drag her ass out of the house or out of the car and stomp the shit out of her just like that. Fuck it beat her like if she burned your house down. If not Just sit there don’t do shit and take it

bunnyboo24 · Answer

Break up with him. He doesn't respect you. I have male friends but if I date a man and he says I can't hang out with them alone I would be fine with it. You have to put your partner first.

Likes2drive · Answer

Sounds like you need to give him an ultimatum, but it probably won’t work out in your favor. He will probably just break up with you and sounds like eventually he will anyway because I don’t think it’s going to work.

Flower7 · Answer

He has already chosen her over you, unfortunately. Threre’s really no other option other than breaking up with him.

Jamie05rhs · Answer

He's your boyfriend, not hers. If you don't feel comfortable with ANYONE that he is associating with, he should listen to you. F her feelings. He's not obligated to her in any way! YOU'RE his girlfriend -- not her!!

slatyb · Answer

You are not being unreasonable. He's not a great partner. He's consistently putting her ahead of you.

Alex-Snow · Answer

If he values his relationship with you he should chill out with the other girl. Has it affected your sex life with him or is he not as interested in it any more?

Anonymous · Answer

You need to give him an ultimatum about her. Explain your feeling and give supporting evidence. If he refuses to listen, you need to consider breaking up with him.

RHK36 · Answer

Sounds like if you wanted something serious then you shouldn't have been dating him in the first place. Move on or don't complain.

Godihateyou · Answer

Make her disappear. Having a friend over family member in law enforcement helps. Only like 30% of homicides are solved and even less "missing people" wink wink. Those are dead too.

hafinjun · Answer

Well a ) introduced yourself its possible, with all this new found camaraderie, he hadn't had the chance to mention your relationship.

JesseP1nk · Answer

Emm. How is not that controlling? If roles where otherway around you would tell he is controlling you, right?

blackeagle007 · Answer

Ultimatum. It’s either you or her. I wouldn’t like this either if I was you

Anonymous · Answer

Talk to her, and tell her to stop interfering with your relationship.

DonaldDarko · Answer

Find another man that fucker isn't loyal anyway.

JamesMillerOwl · Answer

You should dump him.

Jennz6 · Answer

Kick her ass then move on

beefcakebradybatson · Answer

DUMP DAT DAME !!!

MasterKS · Answer

An open threesome is on!

SmallTownGirl3 · Answer

Have talk with him nothing done got end it.

What should I do if another woman is putting a strain on my relationship?

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