He wants a night to himself?

[pinknonsense]

Hi all, I had a fight with my boyfriend last night. We spend the night together almost every single day. There are days where he will ask me to come over and he acts like an ass. He's rude and mean and won't talk to me. I've gotten upset and left 3 times on days he's like that. The next day all he says is sorry. I realized when he acts like this is because he has an issue and its stressing him out. For example last night his dog was sick so I went over and he was a jerk pretty much told me to eff of and if didn't like it to go home...I had to look through his phone in order to know what was wrong with him. Sure enough his sister sent him a text saying his dog was really sick. He didn't tell me instead he went off on me. Today we haven't spoken he just texted me and said he was off work and wanted a night for himself I said OK and goodnight...I called him to talk for a minute and he was super short with words...how can I get him to communicate without back lashing at me?

Updates

+1 y

I have asked him before, on days when were getting along, for him to let me know that there are nights he wants to b alone. I've told him that's its ok...I'm very supportive of him and I don't like to yell or argue I prefer to approach things in a healthy adult way but he's the opposite. He's told me before he's not used to my healthy relationship ways. He said he's dated psychotic yelling woman so he just reatcs to how he assumes I will approach him which is totally not how I am.

[selfishstars]

Different people deal with stress differently. It seems like your boyfriend prefers to be by himself when he's stressed out. There's nothing wrong with that, but there is something wrong with him taking his stress out on you.

I wonder if, because the two of you spend almost every night together, he might feel obligated to ask you over, even though he'd prefer to be alone.

Pick a neutral time to talk to him about it (by neutral, I mean, don't try to talk to him about it when you know he's stressed out or upset about something).

I would say something like, "I've noticed that when something is bothering you, you sometimes take it out on me and that's not fair to me. If you want some time to yourself, I understand and I'm okay with that. Just let me know before I come over and I'll give you some space."

If he asks you not to come over because he needs some time to himself:

1. Don't call him. If he says he needs his own space, calling him, even if your intention is to only talk for a few minutes, is kind of disrespectful. You're basically telling him that you'll give him his own space, but then not following through with that. If he feels up to talking, he'll call you.

2. Don't get upset or let it bother you. It isn't anything personal toward you---as I said, people deal with their stress differently and for some people that means wanting to be left alone. Use it as a night to hang out with your own friends, or do some of the things you enjoy doing that maybe you don't get as much time to do since you spend a lot of time with him.

[pinknonsense]

Awesome answer! Thx:)

[JackWSmith]

you're probably not going to be able to teach him to communicate. You're just going to have to decide if being yelled at over things that aren't your fault is something you can live with, but hey you can try. Use operant conditioning. When he takes his troubles out on you, give him one warning and an invitation to talk about whatever is bothering him. Remind him that you care about him or like him or love him or however it is that you feel about him and that you want to help him, but tell him that you're not going to put up with him taking his problems out on you. If he does it again, you get up and walk out. If he talks to you and communicates, reward him. Obviously the reward should not be sexual. Sweet words and touch are good.

Everything hangs on consistency. You have to consistently punish and consistently reward. You can't let him get away with it ten times in a row and then walk out once. When he yells at you without a reason, he has performed the unwanted behavior and it requires a response. When he communicates with you, he has performed the desired behavior and should get a kiss or a touch on the shoulder or whatever it is. If he tries to turn it into sex you can have sex if you want. I just don't think you should make that part of your method. Obviously you can't tell him what you're doing. .

If you marry him, these problems might come back. You can't go home anymore. You live with him. Maybe whenever he yells at you for something that doesn't have anythign to do with you, you could take the credit card and go shopping.

[pinknonsense]

Yea I know your right. I have tried this. I've walked out but not all the time so I guess this might be confusing ti him since he gets away with it and sometimes he doesn't today I gave him a loving text thanking him for letting me know he wanted to be alone. He didn't reply which I knew he wouldn't but I know my worsds made him feel good. I feel like he acts like a child and has to b given time outs in a way...lol which is annoying because I want a man not a baby

[JackWSmith]

I can understand that.

[theshark50]

You have to take a stand on some of that stuff. Regardless of what happens in his life he should never take it out on you. The thing about he's not used to this sort of relationship is weird to me. I would think that he would act differently if he sees that you are treating him right

[pinknonsense]

Yeah I know. I still even go out of my way to let him know that even though he's acting out I kbnow its because he's stressed and he can talk to me I said I loved him etc. He never replied. I find myself rewarding his bad behavior with sweet and kind words.

[NerdInDenial]

The best way to try to get him to open up without any backlash is to not be aggressive yourself. If he is aggressive and rude, ignore it. Approach him in a calm and logical manner. Let him know that it's okay for him to be honest with you. You won't think any less of him.Tell him as his girlfriend, all you want is to help him.

[pinknonsense]

This is what I texted him : Babe, Thanks for letting me know you need sometime alone like today. I really appreciate it...I know your probably worried about something or things and you just don't wanna talk about them but like I've told you before...I don't mind listening to you if you wanna talk...I'm not a mind reader but I want you to know that its easier for me to understand you if you tell me what your going through or what's stressin you out. Have a goodnight love u