My boyfriend is sometimes really rude to me

[Anonymous]

I have been going out with a great guy for two years - he's so honest, caring and affectionate, apart from sometimes when he is a bit too highly strung. Like recently, I was on my way to his family birthday meal out and he called me when I arrived at the train station to say the plan had changed and the staff were rude to him so he didn't want to eat there now. I asked him where I should walk to now and he snapped that he didn't know. It was so freezing and I didn't want to wait outside for ages. He'd gone off to look at places to eat and didn't know what street he was on. I asked him if he could be a little calmer (he sounded really hysterical) and he said "Oh shut up!" and hung up. I was quite hurt and he called back and we found each other eventually but the atmosphere during the meal was uncomfortable. But I still celebrated and gave him presents and the card I'd made for him. Then after the meal, I asked him if he wanted to go for a drink (as his family was driving home and it was still quite early) and he didn't seem keen, maybe because he knew I was upset. But then he basically went off with his family and I was left to make my own way to the station. I thought he could at least have walked me there?! Then the next day I thought he might apologize for telling me to shut up etc but he told me I wasn't being sympathetic, and when I pointed out I was freezing and just wanted to know where to go he said I was selfish! I feel really hurt as I've spent so long trying to make him happy, I even threw him a surprise party with all his friends earlier in the week. He ended up calling me 'stupid' on the phone. I'd never call him names and although he doesn't do it often it really hurts when he does. I've asked him not to say shut up before too, but he still says it now and again. I'm worried that maybe we aren't compatible but then maybe I am overreacting? I know he's a bit stressed right now in general but sometimes I feel I make excuses for me, but I know I can be quite sensitive too.

Updates

+1 y

Thanks for all your advice, I really appreciate it. It's nice to know I'm not overreacting! I should have said that afterward, he said 'I'll walk you to the station' but I could see from his face that he didn't really want to so I said it was OK. I guess he still could have insisted though, that might have showed he cared.

[MrOracle]

IMO, that is dispicable behavior. As a (small) business owner, I know all about stress, and that certainly can make things difficult, but abandoning you, twice, when you were going out of your way to make his day special, is just beyond the pale. Rude doesn't cover it.

If the situation were reversed, I'd tell my girl that such behavior wasn't even close to acceptable, and that I would forgive it once, but never again. And I would MEAN IT. The next time it happened, we would be over. Permanently.

Presumably this guy loves you, or claims to, but this isn't how you'd treat a casual aquaintence, much less someone you really love.

I always tell people: words are great, but they only mean something if a person's ACTIONS back them up. He isn't backing up anything right now.

[Asker]

Thanks so much for commenting! I should have said when he hung up on me, it was after I said 'Could you be a bit calmer, I don't like the tone of your voice'. But it's because he sounded mad (probably with the staff but still). But he thinks it was awful of me to say that, but surely not as bad as hanging up etc when I'm out in the freezing cold?

[MrOracle]

It's one thing to be upset and even to argue. But abandoning you (and his obligation) for something less than a life-and-death emergency is NOT acceptable, period. His entire behavior is over the line, and not just a little bit.

This wasn't a mistake, it was a spoiled, selfish little boy acting out.

[iloveschnauzers]

He sounds like a spoiled little brat who really needs to grow up. Him not being able to apologize really shows how immature he is. It sounds like you two might be on two totally different levels! Maybe you'd be happier with someone who actually behaves like a MAN and not a spoiled lilttle child. Don't even get me started on the selfish thing either. He sounds extremely selfish. Leaving you out in the cold like that and letting you walk back all by yourself? I mean what kind of MAN does that?

[Asker]

Thanks for commenting. I guess he did apologize and often does after a fight. But he did still think I had been selfish for not sympathising with whatever happened at the restaurant. But I was freezing and didn't know where I was going! I thought we could chat about whatever happened to him when I got to the restaurant. He is usually so mature, so it's really upsetting when he's like this.

[justlilly]

I wouldn't put up with that. You deserve someone who isn't going to treat you badly and will be more respectful

[Asker]

Thanks. I do think it's really disrespectful too. It's so hard though as he's usually so mature and lovely, it just seems like when he's in some sort of crisis he handles it really badly but he shouldn't take it out on me.