How do I show him I've changed?

[Anonymous]

My long-term live in partner of 8 years moved out suddenly about 4 months ago. At the time he became very hostile and shut off, leaving me to deal with the practicalities of moving out our stuff.

I admit that I've had anger problems for years, stemming from illness, volatile family relationships and childhoood issues. I took him for granted , used him as an emotional crutch and was verbally abusive at times. We had been together despite our ups and downs - he had issues too, with his family and career prospects. But I loved him dearly and believed he did too. When he left he screamed that he still loved me but couldn't live with me.

Since the break-up I have had the space I obviously needed all along to get perspective and sort my anger out. I just don't think that way any more. I have tried to communicate this to him, by phone at first, but then he began ignoring me so I emailed him a lengthy revelation of how sory I was and how I'v changed. But this has met an uncaring and degrading response from him. He has only voluntarily contacted me once, after 3 weeks of no contact about 2 months into the break-up.

I still love him and want a future with him, but I don;t think there is any chance he will want to know. I found out he was on a dating website one month after he left me.

Do you think I can show him I've changed? Will it matter? How to I go about it, when he won't respond to any communication?

J

Updates

+1 y

Thanks, Any more guy responses? I fear he has reached his limit when it comes to me - is there anything I could do in the future? Also what do you think about the dating website thing? And he said initially he wanted to be friends but has had no contact?

[Kickrockslosers]

Obviously he's done with you. So, your question is how do you get him back right? Well you have to leave him alone totally. It sounds like when you were with him you were a total control freak, as well as an antagonizer. If you want to show him you've changed you have to do the opposite of your personality. Which means that you have to do a 360 in the opposite direction.

Instead of calling, texting and emailing, just STOP IT and leave him alone. Your past behavior is what got you in your current situation. Contacting him too early is viewed as manipulation. No guy wants to feel like he's getting played or manipulated. Your attempts no matter how heart-felt seem like a desparate attempt to control a situation of which you have no control. Personally, I don't think you've changed in the time that you've been apart I just think you miss him and that's it. So if you can't convince someone who doesn't know you from Adam, why would you think that he would believe that you've changed? Just a point to ponder.

So, I'll give it to you "straight no chaser," you haven't changed AND you will go back to your old ways as soon as he takes you back because you haven't had enough time to work on yourself ALONE. You have tons of issues of which you need to face head on and none of them have to do with him. The more you contact him, the more he will reject you because it's just more of the same and he's 'been there, done that and has the T-Shirt to prove it'.

Your 'revelations' are useless to him because you won't leave him alone long enough to miss you. That's why you keep getting the cold shoulder. I hope you get better, but maybe you need to seek some spiritual counseling cause you got a lot of demons you're battling. Relationships are never easy and they take work, but with both of you bringing in your drama and adding to the stresses of each other it makes it not worth it. If it 's worth having, it's worth working for. It only works if you both want it and work towards it.

[shevvon21]

In my opinion, I don't think that you can do anything to convince a guy to change his mind. I believe if there is true love still there, he will come back to you, no matter what. I have had many situations like this one, and depending on the length of the relationship, me and the guy always got back together. To me, it seemed like the the shorter it was, the more the break up was rock solid permanent. My point is, you guys have been together for a good while and if you look back and the situation at hand and it doesn't look THAT bad, then I think there's a good chance of you all getting back together.

This is what I have learned with my experience with men. (my opinion of course.) That you can apologize for how you acted, but you can NEVER beg a man to take you back. I just don't think it works for them. What I usually do is apologize for my actions, (if I was wrong,) and then you go on and tell him that if he really wants to be apart, you will have to respect that. You LOVE him, but you will have to respect that. you won't stress him about it anymore, you all can just be friends. It's kinda like reverse psychology if you will. I works for me! you know what I mean?

[Anonymous]

You've made the only first step you can. You contacted him, you communicated what you wanted to say.

The next step is up to him.

And now, he doesn't want to talk to you. That's his choice. You must respect it.

It might be too late to save this relationship. He might have reached his limit. That's his choice, too.

I suggest you back off for a few months. Focus on your own life and goals. Contact him again when he's had a chance to cool off. But if he's still not interested in talking to you, that means it's time for you to move on.

Even if it doesn't work out between you and him, it sounds like you've learned a lot about yourself. That's a big step, and you should be proud of yourself. Remember to focus on what you've learned, so you don't repeat the same mistakes again.

Good luck.