How do I get over the feeling of being used? :((

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone! For starters, I can't help but feel a bit used and a bit easy after what took place Tues. My ex boyfriend called me like 2wks ago and said he wanted to work things out and get back together, heck he even promised to get me a ring. I was totally elated about the entire thing. Then he told me that he would be coming over Tues. to spend the night.

So I was ok with that. He came over ordered some food and we ended up fooling around. I pulled away initially because I was not sure but he began touching me, so I allowed it because I was thinking of his needs and not mine. There was no actual sex, but I did give him a hand job which made him ejaculate. Well then after he tried to sleep and was like I can't sleep here. He said it was because the bed was a twin size.

He grabbed his toothbrush, and his sleeping clothes hugged and kissed me and then left. Before he exited I asked mentioned the ring to him. He replied by saying "i'll think about and then he said said he's not in all that lovey stuff."

Now, I am still a virgin and I am 21 but I feel very guilty and used. How is it possible that he wanted to work things out if that took place. Then on top of that He called me that Wed. and was brief with me and I have not heard from him since.

So my ? is do you think I am easy because of this? I honestly in my heart thought we were getting back together and it's not like I imagined this, he verbally said that he loved me and that he wanted to work things out again. I am not used to a guy telling me one thing and then doing the opposite. I figured if he didn't want me he would not have said that he loved me and wanted to get back together.

Also this was not just a random guy, this was my ex of a yr. so I thought he was serious when he said that he wanted to get back together and start our relationship.

I honestly feel like trash right now. please help me and give me advice.

I know that I didn't actually have sex, but I can't help but feel really trashy right now because I typically have good morals.

Please give me some advice and tell me what's going on here.

Updates

+1 y

Ok someone told me that the guy ran away because he was scared to commit. Maybe I am old fashioned but I thought that anytime you are in a relationship, you are committed to that person. I know a guy @ work who has a girlfriend & he dates her and only her

Updates

+1 y

2 infogirl: I know that if I don't call him and end it.. he will call me 2 weeks later acting like things are great. So I made an attempt to finish everything and tell him 2 move on, but I didn't get 2 accomplish that because he was so short.

[Anonymous]

oh gosh! plz plz plz don't feel used over a hand job! I know it may seem like a lot to you because you are still a virgin, but in reality its not a big deal...blow job okay I can see where you would feel used..i don't think he went into it thinking "oh let me get a hand job out of her and leave" guys can give themselves a hand job, you didn't do anything that he can't do, therefore I can't see that you were used. he is being a typical guy whos not thinking, and you are thinking way to much into the fact that he was using you. just because you gave him a hand job does not mean you are a bad person who doesn't follow morals..if you were going down the street picking out some random guy and giving HIM a handjob, then I would say you should feel like trash...if ANYTHING he thought he prob was going to get more out of you, and he didn't..hooking up after a break up usually leaves one or another person confused, and that is what is going on here..you were def NOT used, he could do this to himself...and I'm pretty sure he didn't say he wanted to get back together and start a relatioship JUST to get a hand job out of you..he might have actaully felt that when you guys spoke about it..but like I said guys are weird sometimes, they don't think, and you just have to give him some time to himself..he will be back ..and once he does just tell him you don't think its a good idea to hook up if your not in a commited relationship..and that's that...YOU WERE NOT USED..so pleaaaase don't worry anymore =)

[Asker]

See the weirdest thing is that he told on the phone he was going to get me a ring. Something to show that he was apologetic. Well once he got off, I mentioned this and he replies and says that he will think about it. I feel like sh*t. I just want to lose my virginity to someone in a committed relationship. Not marriage, but a committed relationship. I just don't understand why he'd call me the day after and then not call again. Ugh.. this is such a bad feeling for me.

[Infogirl]

That sucks that you got used like that I'm sorry. A similar thing happened to me...only worse. Yea, exs think we're easy targets since most of the time there's still feelings there. You were kinda gullable when your ex said he wanted to work things out-out of the blue. You accepted his offer a little too quickly and made yourself vulnerable...but it's not your fault, obviouslly you trusted him a lot. You were not easy-that was your ex of a year and you loved him and he said he loved you too and you were(or so you thought) in a relationship. Maybe it's good this happened so you will be prepared in the future-since you now know this guy is not boyfriend (or even friend) material. Just think of it as an experience and move on; don't beat yourself up over it. Don't believe what a guy says-believe what he does. Don't feel like trash, he's the one who's trash.

[Asker]

The reason I trusted him as because we have been apart for about 6 months now and in that period of time, he continued to ask me to give him another chance. I always refused, but this time I gave in because I thought he was sincere. Bc who else spends 6 months contacting someone they broke up with.

[Infogirl]

I know exactlly what you mean...my ex and I have been broken up for 3 years and he STILL contacts me. I thought he wanted to get back together (a while ago) but he was not sincere. and now he tries to be all buddy-buddy with me like everythings cool and it makes me feel so bad. I just try to avoid him so I never fall into his trap again. So it's actually more common than you think.

[Asker]

Let me ask you this. I attempted 2 include it in my update but ran of the character's. I was told that I pushed for committment 2 fast, but I thought that any time you were with some-1 you were committed. I didn't ask for marriage or even an engagement, just exclusivity. Is it really that hard for a 20 yr. old guy to be with one girl. 1 of my co-workers is 19 and has a steady gf, and I am sure that it's just him and her. SO what's the pt in dating if you are just moving from person to person?

[Infogirl]

To your update: naw, he wasn't scared of commitment...he was scared of not gettin laid! lol. and to your question: for me there is a difference b/w "dating" and "bf/gf." If I am just dating a guy he cannot expect me to be committed or see only him. The bad thing about gettin serious too fast is...what happens if you find someone better, or you never really knew the person to begin with? It's important to date lots (not have sex with) of guys before you find one you want to make your b/f.

[Infogirl]

The point of dating is to have fun! Which for guys in girls are different. You know what the guy's idea of fun is...mine is being treated to dinner, dates-whatever the case may be, friendship, and getting to know a new person. I kinda like that more than a boyfriend to tell you the truth because...when you become his girlfriend he expects certain things out of you that I think are reserved for marriage-I just don't like the emotional and physical pressure so I just prefer to date and have friends until I find

[Infogirl]

Someone worth it. That really sucks that he lied about wanting to commit (the ring incident). I hope this horrible experience will not change the person that you are. There are not many girls left like you-and one day you'll meet someone who will treasure that instead of manipulating your kind heart. You are a relationship type of you and you don't have to apologize for that it's a good thing-just remember to have fun too but without compromising your morals. One day you will meet someone

[Infogirl]

Who wants the same thing out of a relationship as you do. But untill then...just live your beautiful life!!!l lol sorry so long

[Asker]

Thanks for ur answer. It wasn't too long. It really helps because I feel better. I just don't understand why he treats me this way. Most guys respect me and 2 find one that treats me like cr*p hurts. It makes me wonder what I am doing wrong, you know. I guess he was scared of not getting laid. I called him 2 end everything and tell him 2 no longer call and he answered. He said that he was at work & was getting off the phone. Hmm.. In other words he was super short with me so I had no time 2 end comm.

[LaurenNC84]

Yea..don't call him again. If he calls dont' answer the first few and then if he keeps on answer and ask what he wants you're busy. If he says he wants to see you say oh I'm sorry I don't have the time anymore and I tried telling you that the other week, sorry you didn't understand then, but I've really gotta go now ok? Bye!

[Infogirl]

I'm glad to help I know how you feel. I liked "dazed" advice.

[Asker]

HI again. I need a bit more advice. Now I am making an effort to to move on and have told him to leave me alone. Yet he continues to call. I am with virigin mobile so I can only block his texts and not his number. I would really hate to change my number and have to give it out to all my family and friend's again, so how can I make him stop calling. I told him that I had moved on and find someone else and he basically didn't care. Showed no emotion, but still tries to call me.

[Asker]

I sincerely want this to be over. I am sick of the games and just want to be left alone, and it's so hard when you have him constantly calling and txting. I have never in my life been with a guy who pulls this sh*t. He claims to love me, but love doesn't hurt. Love isn't rude to me, love doesn't ignore etc.

[Infogirl]

You're right. You were kind enough to give him one more chance-and he blew his one and only chance. You know what they say...fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice-shame on me. Whatever you do don't let him think he has a chance with you and don't get back with him. If he keeps calling-answer-but keep it brief then say that you're busy. He'll eventually get bored and move on-In the meantime keep yourself occupied so you're not tempted to forgive him. By the way: did he give an explanation?

[Infogirl]

Don't...I repeat don't call him...ever. Calling means you care. He doesn't-why should you? If he cared he would have called you. You don't have to tell him to move on and not call you-he'll get the point when you never answer/return his calls. A similar thing happened to me-eventually, I just started ignoring him because he kept acting like everything was great. 6 months passed-one day we started talkin again and I was so happy we had "reconciled" eventually we start talkin every week I thought we were "back to normal" but I was wrong and got humiliated. I honestly wish I had never started talking to him again. It's hard to get over someone you were with for a long time-even if they betrayed you. You just want to give them a benefit of a doubt...but don't. Go out with your friends and date new people.

[Anonymous]

If you're still a virgin you're not easy! It sucks but that's how a lot of guys are. They just care about themselves and getting what they want which is usually OFF. I've been with 7 guys sexually (actual sex) and most have just used me which sucks but that just means I have to either A) change my ways and be stronger or B) not give a shit and mess around and get off without having feelings. I've chosen A because I want to be respected from now on, and if a guy likes me enough he won't expect me to do anything with him until I'm ready and he will hang around regardless! Just don't fall into the trap anymore, tell him if he wants to mess around or get back together you have to be married first and see if he stays or goes!

[Asker]

I def. agree with u. I am just confused with the entire dating process now, haha. I don' t understand the true purpose of a relationship if a guy is seeing more than 1 girl. Now if he is seeing her and they aren't sleeping together, I understand, but actually going on randoms dates and having sex... I can't imagine that. Do you think that I am trying to push him into committment? I got advice from another person and they said that no 20 yr. man wants to commit, but he shouldn't expect sex either.

[Opinion Owner]

The whole dating process is screwed up period. People have either too many expectations or not enough, its not like it used to be when our grandparents were dating! Dating around is ok but dating around and sleeping around at the same time, ugh who wants to catch diseases?! I don't think you're trying to push him into anything, you're not holding a gun to his head saying date me or else. You're just stating your requirements and if he isn't ok with it then let him go. There is someone

[Opinion Owner]

Better for you out there who you don't have to question things about like you're doing right now. Everyone is different and I know a guy who tells me that I've known since we were 5..he says that most girls our age are ready to get married and younger girls aren't. It's not true though, it depends on the individual on when they want to get married! I'm not ready and I'm almost 25, but there are some guys who are 20 that want to and are ready to get married, so that is just bs on his part, he's

[Opinion Owner]

Speaking from his personal experience/opinion. One person can't speak for everyone....

[Opinion Owner]

Married or Committed...I didn't use both words sorry...but I know guys who want to committ and guys who aren't ready...ALL ages too!

[Asker]

I def. understand about him not wanting to committ, but it's so wrong and hateful for him to have thrown the l-word around several times to make me legitimately think that he was serious and then dissappear. I would have that him to have broken up with me and never speak to me again than play this game. I was and still am kind to him but I get treated like shit and left on the backburner.

[Opinion Owner]

Trust me there's guys who just don't care about anyone but themselves. I think you're just stuck on him because you want to feel secure and cared about but trust me...its not a reason to keep talking to him. I get the same way...but you just have to look out for yourself because he obviously doesn't care about you or your feelings. You need to just spend time with your friends and meet other guys and show him he's nothing to you and you can do way better and deserve way better!

[Asker]

You are so right. sometimes we get comfortable with the familiar and are willing to take all kinds of bs than rather be alone.

[Room429]

Feeling used is terrible. We've all been there.

You'll get over it, a little bit at a time. There's no quick fix.

But there's the possibility to learn something valuable.

Most of the time we feel used, it's because *we allowed someone to use us.* And you said exactly why we let others use us:

"I was thinking of his needs and not mine."

Not speaking up about your needs, in order to please someone else, is a sure way to feel used.

So prepare yourself for next time. Realize *ahead of time* what your weaknesses are -- have you been lonesome? Have you stayed in touch with this guy? Are you a people pleaser? Do you often put the needs of other people before your own needs?

If you can realize what mistakes you made this time, and why you made them, you're less likely to make again them in the future. Work on standing up for yourself in little ways. The more practice you get, the stronger you'll be for big time occasions like this when you want to stand up for yourself.

Good luck.

[Shlei3]

You just got too excited to think clearly. It's a mistake we all make every now and again. Why did you two break up in the first place?

[Asker]

Hi. :) Well that's a good question! He broke up with me 3 days after my 21st b-day and I really don't know why. It was just over like that. Like I called him the next day and he wouldn't answer his phone, so I got frustrated and said some choice words. Then he just ended it like that. He made up some phoney excuses but of course, I think he just got tired of waiting for sex, so he decided that he was gonna find someone easier, and he did. She gave it up within 2 wks.

[Shlei3]

Ah now there you go. Quite the smooth operator he is; don't let him get to you. Lesson learned, don't let him do this to you again. Good for you to keep your standards.