My girlfriend has left me after 6 years

[anythingbut]

Hi all,

I am looking for some advice from girls if possible.

Here's the deal: my girlfriend of 6 years left me out of the blue 10 days ago. Our relationship was truly brilliant, never argued, never fought - always affectionate, loving and full of respect.

In the two weeks running up to the break up she had been extremely stressed completing her dissertation, and was also ill from a urinary infection.

The reasons she gave when breaking up with me was that she felt that we had become more like friends, and the flame had gone from the relationship. She didn't want to plod along any more.

Now, I know most guys will be in denial in situations such as this, but I have looked through my phone and I have text messages just 7 days before she broke up with me telling me how much she loved me and how she couldn't wait to start a family with me (this was our plan for the beginning of 2014).

She has completely blown me out of the water, and pushed me out of her life.

How did I respond? Well initially, on the day, like most people I was distrought and literally couldn't understand where this had come from. I cried and tried to bargain, but as we all know this just pushes them further away.

I have since not had any contact. I deleted her number, and then changed my mobile number - so contact really is an option for either of us (she made it clear when she broke up with me that her wish was not be in contact with me).

Just before I deleted her number, I sent her a text message telling her how much I love her, and that I always will. That I wish her the best in life, and that I only wish I could be part of the future we had planned and worked towards for so many years.

It was devastating sending her this, but I was determined to avoid being bitter or angry - ultimately I love her deeply, and can not really understand why or where this has come from.

My questions are therefore for anyone who has had a similar experience to this, I would love to know why you did this, and how you felt once th dust had settled?

1) How and why do girls feel compelled to just make such a sweeping decision as this?

2) how is she capable, physically and emotionally, of cutting me (and our dog) completely out of her life, out of the blue and like a drop of a hat? We have lived together for 6 years and never been apart. What makes girls capable of this?

3) do you feel I have acted appropriately by deleting her number and changing mine?

4) once the dust settles, do girls change their mind once the reality of what they have done hits home? Or do they just tend to stick to their guns.

Listen, I just can't believe that she willing to destroy what is, essentially, a brilliant partnership. I am heartbroken, but determined to stand my ground and not make a fool of myself with the begging and chasing.

Your advice and feedback much appreciated.

Thankyou

[Stacyzee]

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 (almost 7 years) the only difference is,

I am 26 he is 35 and we have already started a family (1 child).

Our flame has long died out.

I think what people get misunderstood is that they feel the infatuation period lasts forever.

No, it eventually dies out.

Love becomes a less intense feeling, and it becomes something that feels more "normal".

Its not about feeling head over heels all of the time, or having butterflies in your stomach (that doesn't last forever).

Its about knowing that you'd do anything and everything on earth for this person you love.

Yes, you can do things to reignite that flame.

But it doesn't initially last forever.

Your ex. may be trying to move on...but she will find this same thing happening in her future relationship (if it becomes long term).

You have to know to live with someone, and how to keep things exciting.

That always gives a reminder and glimpse of the person

you first met,

and how much you once loved them and still do.

She probably doesn't know this yet...and will find out.

Maybe she needs time apart to realize this.

Life is a huge learning experience.

I admire you for keeping strong, and taking those steps you did

in order to move on.

[anythingbut]

Hi stacy, thanks for your response. Are you still with your boyfriend? There are similar ages in my situation, I am 31 and she is 23. Do girls tend to experience sudden changes in their feelings at this age from your experience?

[Stacyzee]

Being that she was in this relationship very young , it can either work against you in that your bond will be tighter or it can drive her away. You have been with her for pretty much her whole adult life, that she felt you were all she knew and wanted to experience more. Yes, I say her feelings are pretty normal because I have felt them from time to time. She needed to work through them, not run from them. Hopefully being away from you she will learn and see what she's missing,

[Stacyzee]

She may not be ready for this, and probably have been harboring those feelings for a long time. If she truly loves you, she will come back and try to find out how to reignite your relationship.

[anythingbut]

Thankyou so much for the responses. It is reassuring to see that, in the case of some women, there is a possibility that they will take time to consider that the grass isn't always greener. I love this woman more than the world, and I guess I have to be strong and brave enough to let her be free - in the hope that one day she will realize that what we had was worth fighting for. I repeat again, we have had a truly incredible 6 years, filled with nothing but love. She needs to realize this

[Stacyzee]

I hope she does. But in the meanwhile although it is a possibility please do not wait on her. Because there is still that chance she may not come back. I wish you nothing but the best and keep staying strong.

[justme20]

1) How and why do girls feel compelled to just make such a sweeping decision as this?

* she can still love you and care about you but didn't know how to tell you she felt differently until now. At some point you had to know and its best before having a child with someone.

2) how is she capable, physically and emotionally, of cutting me (and our dog) completely out of her life, out of the blue and like a drop of a hat? We have lived together for 6 years and never been apart. What makes girls capable of this?

* during a breakup its better to not have any contact with an ex especially if you don't want them back. Old feelings can come back and its just better to keep your distance.

3) do you feel I have acted appropriately by deleting her number and changing mine?

* yes you did

4) once the dust settles, do girls change their mind once the reality of what they have done hits home? Or do they just tend to stick to their guns

* sometimes yes and sometimes no. Women move on to better men and have no regrets while others might move on to losers and regret their choice. if she lost the 'spark" in your relationship and only sees you as a friend then I doubt she will have regret.

good luck and feel better

[anythingbut]

Thankyou justme, I find your perspective interesting as it seems very honest and matter of fact. Have you had a personal experience where you have done similar to a guy you've loved? I guess this is super difficult for me to swallow because I can't understand how she can just cut any clean out of her life after 6 years of happiness. Just two weeks prior she's telling me she can't wait to have my babies, then I'm relegated! Di you think periods if extreme stress can alter a woman's mindset?

[justme20]

Well I really liked a guy before my current boyfriend who I wanted more with but after awhile I felt we would be better off as friends. You never want to hurt someone and you lie to yourself about how you truly feel but in the end you just have to be honest. Its best she told you now especially if you both planned a family together. I'm so sorry it happened and yes stress can alter a mindset but stress won't cause someone to lose interest in you as a boyfriend.

[bunny_luv]

i'm sorry to hear your relationship with your girlfriend ended so abruptly. and to be honest I'm not so sure about changing your phone number (sorry if I offend you or anyone for making that comment) I guess the bottom line is that if you two were togethe for 6 years and for it to end so abruptly there may a good chance that there may be unfinished business to tend to. and 'm just not so sure about her not wanting to ever communicate with you again. I don't know 6 years is a long time to be with one person and well to just walk away and never look back just doesn't sound common to me (unless of course there were obvious reasons to automatically terminate the relationship like maybe prison) anyways I think you're reaction was normal. I mean that's a shock for sure for someone to come out of the blue and just walk after being together for so long. so yeah I'm not sure if there is still some way she can contact you or how you're feeling about her. and well it would just be nice for there to be some proper and respectful closure for both of you. take care ok?

[anythingbut]

Hey bunny, thankyou for your response, and certainly no offence taken. I agree there is a massive amount of unfinished business here. I just cannot fathom how in the space of two weeks (14 days!) that someone can go from wanting your babies, to cutting you out of their life as if you didn't even exist. It's crazy. You're probably thinking that there must be simething else that I haven't mentioned... But there isn't - we have always been affectionate, committed and secure in our love

[bunny_luv]

you're welcome! I hope you're doing OK and managing to move forward as painful as it might be at times. when a relationship ends (no matter under what circumstances) there is a certain level of grief we experience. and no matter how abruptly your girlfriend left she is going to experience grief too. I suppose the question is how to go about addressing unfinished business between both of you for both your sake. please take care of yourself and if you would like to talk more I'm here.

[anythingbut]

Hi bunny, out of interest why do you think it wasn't a good idea to change my number?

[bunny_luv]

hello again. the reason why I don't think it was such a good idea to have changed your number is because she can't text or phone you. like I said before leaving so abruptly and there being unfinished business between you two if she has tried to contact you and you changed your number she's probably hesitating and wondering. and it sounds like you want to address everything in a mature and reasonable manner. so that's what I meant. it's your call and I hope you do well in taking care.

[Halo5511]

Dude, I cannot tell you how much I relate to your story. In fact it is so similar its uncanny. She said exactly the same sh*t she said to you about the flame had gone etc. Although mine said she wanted to find herself again and all that bullsh*t. It is truly devastating I am with you on that how someone you generally love so much can just disappear overnight like you never existed. I broke up 6 months ago which is crazy because it doesn't feel like that. I like you never wanted to do the begging and gave her what she wanted. I tried to get answers but she never gave me and I was not going to stoop that low and get them if she didn't want to give them to me.

My only advice to you being 6 months on is that generally its over and you need to accept that. You had an incredible 6 years with that girl and now you need to enter the next chapter in your life. There is no point getting back together if its broken. You can't put a smashed glass aback together as it will never be the same as it originally once was. Its such a horrible situ and I feel it everyday. If you want to talk I happy to do so.

[anythingbut]

Thankyou brother, much appreciated. In your case, did your partner also decide that shesuddenly didn't want to see or speak to you as well? Would be interested to find out more. This issue of the 'spark' going just doesn't make sense - we have always been super affectionate with each other - right up until the week she was working on her dissertation and then became unwell. Looking at her texts from the previous week she was totally committed to our future, as well as our relationship. Crazy!

[Halo5511]

If you fancy chatting on Skype my Skype is top.boy00.

The text is so limited on here.

[ImSoSozzled]

Well I've never been through something like that (and hopefully never will), but I think what you're doing is good instead of clutching to the hope that she will return and refusing to move on, which is what I see from a lot of guys on here. If anything, that kind of response will make her more likely to regret her decision than begging and chasing, so there's that. You sent her that last text so she's knows you still care for her, but when she realizes that you aren't going to wait around for her to come back, maybe she'll realize what a mistake she's made. It was definitely messed up of her to not even mention that there was any kind of problem and try to work it out, so don't feel like you're to blame at all.

Stay strong and good luck with whatever happens.

[anythingbut]

Thanks for your feedback sir -it's reassuring to hear your perspective

[Lifegoeson2013]

I am so sorry to hear about your situation especially after being with her for 6 years. Again as a girl I can only give you a high level response because you also have to remember every person is different based on their personalities and their stories. However at this point you really have to give her some time as you were saying to let the dust settle. Because from personal experience I would at least like some time to think about what I did, after I calm down. But I usually don't take more than couple days to re-evaluate my decisions.

I think what you did right after was pretty good. Be the bigger person and don't hold any grudges. You may need to take her word for what she has to say and if she regrets it she will let you know but I repeat DO NOT WAIT FOR HER. Life is too short to waste time waoting for some one to make up their mind about whether they want to be with you or not. Big Hugs! Stay strong everything will be ok!

[anythingbut]

Thankyou for your advice much appreciated. Out of interest as it is coming frim a female perspective, why do you think I acted appropriately by cutting off the lines of cimmunication? I am interested to know how a female responds to such an action from a male, in such circumstances as mine?

[Anonymous]

1) How and why do girls feel compelled to just make such a sweeping decision as this?

Guys do the same - my ex. after 8 years...know ea. over 12 yrs.

2) how is she capable, physically and emotionally, of cutting me (and our dog) completely out of her life, out of the blue and like a drop of a hat? We have lived together for 6 years and never been apart. What makes girls capable of this?

(same as number 1...guys and girls can do even more ... when it is a selfish reason)

3) do you feel I have acted appropriately by deleting her number and changing mine?

(it doesn't matter...whatever makes you feel that would help you move on) ...i don't' know how I would move on as we also have something attached...

4) once the dust settles, do girls change their mind once the reality of what they have done hits home? Or do they just tend to stick to their guns.

if she meets someone quickly,she will move on...

I added you as friend...i have worse exp. than you ... some similar points.