Did I go too far in arguing with my wife because she defended a criminal?

Question

This ties in with my last question - Ex female concentration camp guard dies aged 99, town mayor calls her a "great woman" - thoughts?

We generally agree on everything, but today came in the news of the death of this old teacher that had a less than stellar past during the Second World War from my wife's hometown. Since that town's mayor eulogized this person - who served as a concentration camp guard - I, being a politician myself, wrote a social communicate condemning the eulogy and recognizing that while she spent her life repenting for her crimes, she was still a criminal.

My wife didn't like that and had been simmering about how I was disrespecting "nana" and humiliating her and her family. During dinner this blew up because she reiterated that again I should delete my post, and how dare I judge when my grandfather did worse when he was a red partisan and so on. She brought up that she went to summer school with this woman and she was the sweetest person she knew - at which point I snapped and asked if that was because she was a blue-eyed blonde Germanic specimen; because if I'd have been in her place she'd have "thrown me on the first train for Poland" because I needed crutches for my legs and following her "duty", I was to be euthanized.

That's when she stormed away and she's not speaking me ever since. I hear her sobbing but every time I try to knock she yells to go away. I understand she's emotionally charged about this person, and I regret stirring her up like that, but my grandfather was tormented and fought against those people as a child, and I don't want ti compromise my values for a damn Nazi - the real Nazi, not the Twitter meaning of the word.

Updates

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Thank you all for your answers and insights, I wholeheartedly appreciate them.
While I can't and won't compromise my ideals; I recognize I've gone way overboard and recklessly and needlessly hurt her feelings.
We've slept separately and I've spent the whole day outside, but I'll go home and apologize to her.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I completely agree with you. Repentance and regret don't absolve her of being evil. While your grandfather may have done awful things as well, he wasn't praised for being a good person by a public official at his funeral. That's the real issue here. This woman is only being remembered for who she was after the war, not the heinous crimes she committed during the war. She wasn't a secretary for the Nazi party in office building. She worked at a concentration camp. She should have spent the rest of her life incarcerated, not teaching future generations.

Let's say Charles Manson was released from prison in the 80s. Rehabilitated and full of regret for the murders he orchestrated. He went on to become a teacher, helped underprivileged youth reach their potential, and was loved by his community. Am I expected to believe all his good deeds would be enough for anyone to forget, let alone forgive, his crimes? Absolutely not! His offenses pale in comparison to supporting and facilitating systematic genocide.

I understand your wife has an emotional connection to this woman and is grieving, but your argument is valid and rational. You're not asking her to stop mourning. She shouldn't have ask you to withdraw your article.

Screenwriter · Accepted Answer

Be kind. Your wife has no experience of this woman, except how she lived in the U. S. And frankly, you have no experience of what she did as a prison guard in Germany. Every guard didn't commit atrocities. True, she participated in a system that killed people. But every camp wasn't a Dachau. Some were work camps only.

So, you should admit YOUR ignorance with your apology. Unless you WERE THERE, you can't judge this woman. Unless you know ALL the facts, firsthand, or 75 years ago, you can't make a sound judgment against this person.

This woman might've been given a pass, but then again, she might have had little to do with the hands-on "ultimate solution."

Avicenna · Accepted Answer

Let me give you my perspective as someone who is descended from German Jewish Holocaust survivors, lived in Germany a long time and was married to a German.

It’s a very , very difficult and emotional topic for them. It’s just generally not spoken about in private life. It’s true that few former Nazis were ever held accountable for their crimes and there was little “de-Nazification”, but it’s something they’d rather not think about and the guilt complex over it is huge (in public life, they guilt each other over it even today, when it’s convenient).

OlderAndWiser · Accepted Answer

You are a young man and ou feel passionate about your beliefs, but. . . when you are married, there are issues much more important that "who's right, who's wrong."

jshm2 · Answer

Yes.

Firstly, it was not an adult argument for either of you to be having in your home. Grow the fuck up.

Secondly it's up to the people concerned to argue her fate in a court of law. You've hurt your wife for no good reason, and should apologize,

Thirdly, she isn't arguing her deeds, only her age. Say that granny was to stand trial after the war, she would have served what, 20 years? maybe 30? Then would you think she'd "paid her dues" and would be welcome to sit with you and your wife at your table?

ShadezMcgee · Answer

I don't feel you are out of line with what you said. Your thoughts just happened to conflict with the one person you wish it wouldn't. I can see the argument on both sides, but ultimately this looks like one of those agree to disagree things.

I don't think you should take down the post because it is already out there and won't change anything with your wife as she already knows your thoughts about it now, this would look like damage control and appeasement. I say give her time to cool off and when she feels like talking you clear the air once and for all about it.

The point being that you don't wish to argue about this anymore. It will require patience and understanding on both ends for this to be resolved in a healthy manner.

SaoirseS · Answer

It's an event that took place nearly 80 years ago. Your opinion of the woman is based on what she was associated with (not what she necessarily did) during a brief period in the darkest period of her country's history. She paid a price for it with prison time. Neither you nor your wife are wrong. It's just that your perspectives are different: yours is centered on what the woman did, your wife's is centered on what the woman became. It's really not worth the argument; you both had your say, and neither one of you can change the outcome. In hindsight you both probably let it get too far.

melanieeeB · Answer

I honestly don't understand why she is crying because of this... I mean I don't see it as disrespect to talk about everything in this old woman's life, her great support for the community later in her life and for the things she did as an Aufseher... both is (I guess) the truth and can be talked about... anyways I don't get it and therefore will say no you didn't go to far

Lliam · Answer

I hope your righteous indignation was worth it.
There are far, far worse criminals in the world than a lady who worked as a secretary for her country's military when she was a kid.

It's possible that you don't have enough perspective to be judgmental. Were you there?

If it were I, I would realize my mistake and apologize. Don't try to justify your attitude anymore, just apologize. Admit that you were insensitive.

midnightmoon05 · Answer

No matter what it is out there… nothing matters more than the love and secure feelings you can give to your wife and her to you.
it’s best to let things go.
so I didn’t read what it’s about. Give her and her belly a hug and kiss, all will be okay.

Anonymous · Answer

Your generally agree on everything and you're not used to conflict. You both seem poorly equipped for it.

However, you both have very different views about this woman. Yours conceptual, her evidential. You need to find some way to meet in the middle and accept those views.

Apple1996 · Answer

Your wife is pregnant right? so just learn that it's best not to fight with her about anything

Andres77 · Answer

You gotta live with her. Pick your battles. It doesn’t really matter what she thinks. All she did was give you a clearer picture of her soul. It’s good information to have for the future.

LiamJHayden · Answer

The problem is that you see the lady as one-dimensional whereas your wife or someone close to her (unclear from your text) knew the woman, so of course your perspectives will be different.

Jamie05rhs · Answer

Whoah, man. This certainly blew up, didn't it? I wasn't expecting you guys to actually get into an argument over this. I'm sorry. :(

misogynistic_pig · Answer

Criminal and antisocial men have more sexual partners and have sex earlier.

msc545 · Answer

Why fight over a dead woman?

Did I go too far in arguing with my wife because she defended a criminal?

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