How long does it take to get over your first love?

Question

I was with my first love for 2.5 years and she broke my heart almost 10 months ago.  Since then I haven't dated anyone, but was with a few girls, one of which I would have dated if I didn't move away.  Every once in a while I will get sad when I think about my ex, and how she is dating someone new.  I've cut all ties with her, because I feel like having her in my life wasn't healthy and I needed a new start?  Does your first love stay with you forever, and will I always feel the pain of this?

Chunk-Stonechest · Accepted Answer

Your first love will stay with you forever! You're looking at a typical recovery time of 6 - 12 months for any lost love. You do need to keep yourself busy with creative pursuits. Take all your unfocused emotional energy and pour it into something that will bring you spiritual satisfaction. Painting, photography, writing, poetry etc., can be very cathartic because they allow to explore and reshape your feelings. Additionally your creative efforts will give you something you can share with women who prize men that demonstrate insight and sensitivity.

Besides, when you wake up at 4:30AM and you feel that big boom in the middle of your chest the moment your eyelids peel back, what are you going to do with yourself and all that lingering pain? Staring at the ceiling while obsessing over your lost love is wearing down the cogs and sprockets in you mind, and TV just makes you feel like an idiot. After my 1st true love broke up with me, I started a massive garden full of giant sunflowers, corn, tomatoes, onions, chiles and fresh herbs. I was pulling weeds at 5:00AM but at least I had a meditative place to visit with all that pain and passion. Remember, you've lost your lover, but not your capacity for love. You better have a creative project, young man.

Here's an important strategy for hastening your recovery. Don't dwell on anything negative when you reminisce about her. When you catch yourself mulling over some resentful idea, hold that idea in check, and replace it with something positive. After all, this is your 1st true love. You better be able to look back on her memory with fondness and joy 20 years from now. You should be able to do the same thing today. You can't have her, but you're stuck with you. Don't cloud your mind with petty resentments and regrets. They'll poison your mind, extend an adolescent outlook, and block you from new possibilities with emotionally mature partners. Besides, you are the one person you must face each morning when those eyelids peel open and the semi truck lands on your chest. See the joy and wisdom in your past experience, let go of the pain through creativity. Your confidence and passion for life can only grow through this approach. And I promise you, sonny boy, the ladies gravitate towards that kind of light.

Save some o' that new mojo for friends and family too! You'll heal faster making new friends, revisiting old pals, and by reinforcing family ties playing the good son and reliable sibling.

Get with your peeps, dude. Just quit talking their ears off!

As a final thought, you do hear from time to time that the only way to get over a woman is to under a woman. And that may actually help. Physical passion for its own sake isn't necessarily a bad thing. However, if you do feel lonely after such encounters, it'll be because you know you need more than transitory experiences to stay happy. This is a major revelation for a young horn dawg. It's a good sign. You're growing up.

jojowriter · Accepted Answer

Friend, this is an age old question that every one has mostly gone through. So, know that you have joined the human race and been christened. Everyone that you have met will be remembered in some way or another in your life and that goes double for loves and long relationiships. The great thing is that everyday is a new day and ever moment is new. Only you have the power and ability to decide what to do with your present so never give that up to anyone. Know that the most loving thing  youcan do for yourself is to let her go since that is what she wanted to do and you are okay with that. Never fight against anothers decision to do something. Only honor your decisions to do what you want to do. And that is the key: find out what you want to do that is most healthy and start doing it. Stop thinking of the past and all of what was since there is no life there. When you start doing the things that will move your life towards what you want, the past has no real hold on you. Remember, it is only because your mind is thinking of these losses that you feel sad. Stop thinking about it and let it go and let love be, and start acting on your own behalf and experiencing the greatness that life has for your in each moment. That is life. the rest is just bs.

Raquel · Accepted Answer

I'm so sorry, I truly am, I know exactly how you feel, and then some... I was with a guy for 7 years, two of those years was married to him. He didn't treat me too good, a lot of it was because of how young we were, but I was so desperately in love with him and endured any pain he caused me. We divorced two years ago. I was devastated, and prob won't ever completely be ever the same. I met another guy during our divorce that was so interested in me and highly highly persued me. I gave in, learned to trust again, and prob never should have. He was a flirst so I cut the ties after a year, 7 months of that I lived with him and his family, so I was so attatched to all of them. He moved on about 3 months later and now has still been dating the same girl for prob 8 months. She's 26 and him and I are only 22. She's fat kinda' and he always gave me a hard time bout my weight. Now I'm the perfect size lost bout 15 lbs and now only 120lbs. He sees me and I know deep inside he misses me, but I wish it was the way I missed him.

My ex hubby and I are now friends and have been since the past 8 months, he's still miserable he can't be with me, but it's too late and I don't have those feelings for him anymore. I sure do love him thought. I know my story to you might not matter, but it's my experience on love. It hurts, sometimes unbearable. I do believe in Karma, and that when someone loses a good thing, they too will suffer enentually for letting go something special. Yes, you'll probably hurt for a good whiile, I have, been single a year already, by choice. But best of luck to you and I hope you find peace and let go of her. She isn't worth your aching heart, something I remind myself of too.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

You are doing good with the no contact, the worst thing you can do is still speak to her. My ex of 3 years wanted to be friends, but knowing that he still wasnt over the relationship I WAS THE ONE to say "No", because I know what its like talking to someone you know you can't have, and I knew I would only hurt him more. This pain will not be forever though. I can guarntee one thing you are prob. doing is comparing girls that you have dated with her and that's extremley bad! Until you meet someone else that gives you those butterfly feelings in your stomach then you will prob. always have the feeling of "pain" because she was the only good that you've known. As time goes on and you find someone else that you have feelings for that "pain" will just turn to "indifference" you will remember the times you had with her, and I guarntee she will pop in your head, but it will never be enough for you to dwell on it and want to post a question about it, it will come and go.

p.s. one thing that my ex has done since the past 2 years that we have broken up, is contacting me telling me how much I hurt him etc. whatever you do, don't do that! because if there are ever is a chance that you two cross paths in the future it will only leave a bad taste in your mouth..as for now go about your life, don't compare girls to your ex, and I promise you that once you find a girl you like, you will think less and less of her!

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I am out of my first love and serious relationship about 8 months and I have not even remotely chatted with a guy yet. The pain and heartache are lessening and I am now thinking it might be time to date, but somedays I can't seem to get my ex out of my head. I definitely think you did a good thing by cutting all ties with her, because for awhile my ex wanted to continue to talk once in awhile and it just made things so much worse. I wish we could be friends, but after being in such a serious relationship it was really hard.

I have taken up running. To keep myself busy I am working on improving myself and doing things that make me happy, but it isn't a "cure all" fix.

All I can say is that I am going through the same exact thing, so do not for a second think that you are alone in feeling this way or that you are not normal for some reason.

Give it time and do not even worry about trying to date for awhile. Before you know it, you will find someone who makes you feel wonderful and happy and believe it or not, it will not only come naturally, but quite possibley easily as well. Just focus on staying positive and busy. Time will help as well. Good luck.

Candass · Accepted Answer

wow first love, the most painful experience for everyone. I know it must hurt on days where it is slow you think about the past. *you two together and all the good times shared.* trust me we've all done it, but though for some it may be a simple two months for others it can take a whole lifetime. maybe you should not worry to much on trying to get over her and maybe start doing things for yourself to make it easier throughout your days. find a hobby, or find something that can take your mind off of her for while (for example, school, career, sports, music, etc...) then eventually it will become redundant. my advice to you is to relax and breathe...you feel that..its the feeling of the beginning of the rest of your life. don't like that feeling continue to do it till it feels good and then you'll be able to continue the path God set out for you.

Good Luck.

Reeses-pieces777 · Answer

eventually you get over them. after a certain period of time, they may go out with someone else, things get complicated, they forget about you, you get busy on with life, you yourself may hve moved on.

i pretty much have. I gave him a chance not too long ago as I write this, so I guess I was secretly always wishing we could start over and get to know each other, but it didn't work out. I know how many girls he's been with, things are not the same when time passes unless they hold just as strong to the idea of being with you as you are to them.

mormongirlmichl · Answer

Time heals all wounds; it really does. It may take more time for you but you will be able to move on.

It was a good move to cut all ties with your ex if it hurt too much. It will help with the healing process. You will find someone one day, as long as your not still grieving for her. OK? you need to be open and happy and be ready for what life will throw at you next. Now that the breakup is over, it should get easier, you'll see. One day you won't think of her at all until after noon and you'll realize you've made progress. Then before you know it, you'll be dating someone wonderful who will think about you all the time and you will too. :)

Until then, good luck and keep your head up!

Dela1111 · Answer

The pain will get easier, trust me. I had to deal with losing my first love only a few weeks after I got home from Iraq the first time, and I carried that pain with me through the second tour, and it honestly affected me for 2 to 3 years.

You did the right thing by cutting ties with her because when you love a girl that much you can't have her around and not be with her, because its just a constant reminder of what you don't have.

Do what you can to never see her picture or go on her Facebook/ MySpace, avoid any mention of her name or mutual friends, you don't want to know what's going on with her, it will only drive you crazy.

Just find something to focus yourself on like a hobby (exercise worked for me, lol). As time goes by you will think of her less and less and the pain will go away. Its the hardest thing anyone has to do and as hard as it is to let go, you need to.

Good luck.

sunlovingme · Answer

It can take up to a couple years but the pain won't last as long.  Then if you ever get back with them and break up again all the pain can come flooding back.  At least that is my experience, I broke up with my first love 20 years ago and then we recently reconnected, but he descided he didn't want me anymore, and now I am heartbroken all over again.  The first time I broke up with him and then this time he broke up with me, guess I got what was coming to me.  You will go on, it will just take time.

underthemistletoe · Answer

it took me almost a year...

Thats mostly because one of my friends started getting flirty with him and I told her to quit in a not mean but please I don't like it sort of way

and she Freaked out

told him the Wrong story

and then broke up with me and not 6 hours later asked Her out.

So I was really mad and hurt and I couldn't get myself to Hate him or be mad at him. I still loved him =/.

and now, we talked and he's my best friend again =] I got over him and now I still love him but its not really in the same way

porcupinehead315 · Answer

The pain will eventually stop hurting constantly but you still might have the memory of the heartbreak which will hurt every once in awhile. I know it sucks to see your first love with someone else because I had this happen to me also. I also got cheated on by her to so I got it a little worse. What I did to try to get over her was improving myself. I went to the gym, studied a lot, and dated other girls casually. The worst parts are at night so I suggest you crashing at a friend's place so you don't have to be alone. Good luck!

boi818 · Answer

Wow, you sound like me a while back. I was with a girl that broke my heart. I dated girls and had plenty sex partners but could never get over her. Then finally, I got in contact with her again and we became friends. The jealousy towards her being with other guys became happiness when she found a guy that would treat her right. I now have a girl I'm in love with and am a lot happier with and my ex is also in a happy relationship which I'm happy for. It's all about resolving whatever issues you guys had and moving on to better things. Once you can do that then can you finally be over it. It took me about 3 years to find this out, I hope you can move on soon.

4u2nv · Answer

I was told that it takes about half the time that you and your person were dating for the pain to go away. So for you that would be over 1.25 years, or 15months.

You won't feel this pain forever. You'll move on soon, you'll find someone else you love. I moved from my first love and I don't have any feelings for him anymore.

So I'd say it'll take like another 5 or 6 months for you not to feel this pain anymore. I recommend that you go out and see the good in the other girls around and just have a good time. (I don't mean that in a sexual way like to be a manwhore lol, I mean enjoy being single and have fun)...and you'll find the right girl if you just go out, have fun, and meet new people.

dave216 · Answer

You made a common teen mistake. Instead of sampling as many dishes as possible, you picked one and dived in too deep. Teens, especially males are not emotionally stable enough committed relationships. Nor do they have the experience to make a wise selection. What you should have done is taken a girl out a couple times, then picked out a new one. Sort through as many as possible and then later you will be in a position to pick a good one for longer term relationships.

You are hurting now, because you have a piece missing. The cure for that is to replace the missing part. Look around, pick out a nice one and take her out. Next week pick another.

higurb · Answer

You know what's funny is I waiting for almost 10 years after my first to date again. It was like 96-97 when I dated her and then I didn't have another girlfriend until 2007. The girl I dated after he ditched me on my birthday to sleep with another guy. I think it's funny how everyone was so excited for me to get back in the game and my suspicion that woman are screwed up was confirmed with the random girl I decided to talk to at a coffee house.

My first love is now married and has 2 kids. She tracked me down last year and while being married with 2 kids asked me if I wanted to start having sex. I laughed and just added the experience to my list of reasons why women are screwed up.

COCOCHANEL · Answer

it took years. i was heartbroken for
a long time. what opened my eyes was the he treated me when we met for the first time 3 years after we broke up. he had changed. he was in a rock band and had this cocky attitude. he felt entitled to sex as if he owned me. i did not want. he got his way. during sex he looked up at me and exclaimed, ”you're so tight ! can't believe you waited for me all these years ! you really are a good girl after all !” i told him the truth, no i didn't wait for you. in fact i had sex last week with (musician's name).

adrianereeder · Answer

it takes time, if she was the first person you had sex with. if you had sex with her you gave her something that mean something to you. its a lot of emotions and feelings when it comes to sex. In time you will be fine, but you have to enjoy life, go have fun and smile. If you let this get you down you will never move on and find someone new. Have faith it will get better, little brother. Believe in yourself and you will make it. Stay cool and confident.

brwneyedgirl · Answer

honestly.

the first person I ever fell in love with I still have feelings for.

i don't think it will ever go away, and I think you can love 2 people at the same time.

sometimes for different reasons too.

i think that time will just lessen the pain.

i still hang out with that guy, but I can never hang out with him when heis new girlfriend is around. hurts too much

BrettH · Answer

dont worry you will get over her but it does take time and you will still think of times you spent with her even years later...  so don't stress to bad its normal. but just just keep doing what ur doing and eventually you will find a girlfriend (my first love and I broke up 4 1/2 years ago and I still think back to her and i.. but I've had a few girlfriend s since and have moved on but still wonder about her)

Anonymous · Answer

Well first proper love took me about 2 years to get over... 1 year was still trying to tell myself there wasn't any chance because there wasn't he didn't return the feelings and moved on, 2year was depressing facing up to reality and trying to move on... not forget but control those hurtful feelings.

Anonymous · Answer

Well, you will never forget your memories of the past (some good some bad). However, if you still feel the pain or still have feelings, that's different case. For me, my first boyfriend I get over him in a year and now I am happy to see him with someone else. I don't have any feelings anymore for him so I won't be affected with whatever he's doing. Cutting off the contact is a great start to get over someone. It will be easier for you.

bcrombie · Answer

Ouch, heavy topic.  It's over when you decide it's over.  It's over when you stop contemplating about what should've and could've happened.  It's over when you don't feel guilty but grateful for your time together.

tango · Answer

I never forgot my first love; neither second... It's a part of my body and my past. I can never forget them. BUT I could overcome the pain of love... It's the road of acceptance and it depends on your personality.

worldwanderlust · Answer

I don't know but I feel your pain.  It has been 6 months for me and I still think about my ex(first love of 4/12 years) everyday.  I asked my mom about it and she could still recall her first love...so maybe they stick with you more then other loves.  Everyday will get easier and then you will meet someone will make you totally forget about you ex(I hope for your sake and mine).

ally55678 · Answer

I'd say a year and a half to two years to fully get over her. In the mean time try to have fun with your guy friends and make some new friends with girls nothing serious just a casual friendship to re-discover the opposite sex again.

How long does it take to get over your first love?

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