Told my ex I didn't want to be friends...was that a good idea?

[Anonymous]

I dated this guy for a while and I was very fond of him. He seemed the same as he broke out the L word before me. Everything was going great then he decided we should break up.

I accepted it and when he asked if we could be friends I told him to talk to me later. well, he did but I told him that I wasn't ready and that I'd contact him. A few months go by and I didn't call because I didn't want to be just friends. I wasn't going to settle.

That's when he started texting me randomly about things I like and inviting me places. I steadfastly ignored all of these, but I am human, and eventually broke down and went to lunch. He brought up the break up and continued to say that he wanted to hang out and do things, but he mentioned nothing about getting back together. Needless to say that after that I still wasn't interested. We parted ways and he still continued to contact me about once a week, he even showed up at my work but didn't speak to me.

Finally, I had enough of be strung along and when he invited me somewhere via text - which is the only way he's been contacting me - I responded with "Listen, I am not in the position to be your friend. Do not contact me." I did this in hopes that it would make him man up and tell me what his intentions were, but now I'm feeling that maybe he was trying to get back together before and didn't know how to tell me? I guess it's too late to do anything about it, but I was just wondering how y'all would respond to that?

[CaptainZen]

Osho Quotes on Friendship

1. Friendship is possible between equal human beings, totally free from all bondage of society, culture, civilization, only living true to their authentic nature.

2. Only individuals can relate; personalities cannot. Personalities are like shadows. They cannot meet, they cannot merge, because they don’t exist. Personalities are fake. That’s why in the whole world people are talking of love, but there is no love. They are talking of friendship, but there is no friendship — even talking of trust. But for that a tremendously powerful individuality is needed. Personalities cannot trust; they are always afraid — afraid that their reality may be exposed, may be known.

3. Friendship can turn into enmity, and enmity can become friendship. You all know — happiness can turn into sadness, and sadness can change into happiness. Although they are polar opposites, they are almost like twins, very close. Just a slight change in circumstances and one disappears …the other was just behind it. So remember the transcendent — existence belongs to the transcendental. Don’t divide it; otherwise you will be continuously tortured by the duality.

4. In this ambitious world, friendship cannot bloom, love is almost impossible, compassion cannot exist. We have created such an ugly mess, and the root is that we think that there is something to achieve.

5. A man who seeks friendship, love, companionship, out of loneliness is not going to find it. In fact, with whomsoever he will associate he will feel cheated and he will make the other feel cheated. He will feel tired and bored, and he will make the other feel tired and bored. He will feel sucked and he will make the other feel sucked, because both will be sucking on each other’s energies. And they don’t have much in the first place. Their streams are running very thin; they are like summer streams in a desertland. You cannot take any water out of them. But if you seek friendship and love and companionship out of aloneness, you are a flooded river, a river in the rains. You can share as much as you want. And the more you share, the more you will have.

6. The proverb is: A friend in need is a friend indeed. But deep down that is greed! That is not friendship, that is not love. You want to use the other as a means, and no man is a means, every man is an end unto himself. Why are you so worried about who is a real friend?

7. The real question has to be: Am I friendly to people? Do you know what friendship is? It is the highest form of love. In love, some lust is bound to be there; in friendship, all lust disappears. In friendship nothing gross remains; it becomes absolutely subtle.

8. Friendship is absolutely human. It has something for which there is no inbuilt mechanism in your biology; it is nonbiological. Hence one rises in friendship, one does not fall in friendship. It has a spiritual dimension.

google "osho on friendship" for more

[toulouse]

that was really cool, I completely identify with that =)

[Myrrth]

You wanted to be more than friends and, from what he said and did, he did not. From his point of view he waned to be friends, but from your words and actions, you wanted him to just go away.

Both of you expected more from the other person than they were willing to give; you willing to only everything or nothing, and he only willing to give some. When expectations do not line up with reality the result is usually a variation on the theme of misery.

If an ex only wanted to be friends with me that would be OK, IF I could (and I think I would) accept that that was all I could get and was OK with that.

[Asker]

I understand what you are saying, but I feel that if I settle for being friends I would just be falling in line with what he wants. Honestly, I put a lot into that relationship and he was the first (out of several long time boyfriends) to ever have me tell him I love him. I think that if he doesn't feel the same way I feel about him then it's probably best that we move on. I can't take friendship as a consolation prize.

[Myrrth]

Okay, you can't have the relationship you want. It isn't about not falling in line with what he wants, its about what you need. Some people can be friends with their ex's, some can't. Either way there should be a cooling off period so you can move on. Hope you find someone who as is into you as you are to them.

[toulouse]

You can't force a person to want a relationship, you are playing a game with yourself. He is not withholding a relationship- he wants a friendship. Stop trying to bargain with your life,

[Rei02]

To some people, the ex remaining as friends can work, even there can be a possibility to return as long as they go on with their own lives and don't look for turn on again the old flame since the beginning of their remained friendship. If that happens then the remaining friendship will disappear forever.

While others want to cut every tie and only see him as an acquaintance the next time they see each other, only to talk about the old times as old friends. But also there can be the possibility to restart again.

As you see, there are a lot of possibilities in the relationships, the only thing you need to know is who you are, what you really want and what can make you happy. And in case of break ups I am referring to what would be the best for you, what can make you suffer less.

[ThenItsOk]

I'm not sure, maybe he was willing to get back to you eventually, but he wanted to take it slow and wanted to see where the two of you where. And when you said that you weren't in the position to be his friend, be backed. Anyway if you still have feelings for him, just send him a sms.

btw, I probably would have done the same thing, I've always had a hard time to go back to something I've once left. It's your choice. Good luck!

[Asker]

Well, this is what I was worried about. Since he broke up with me I do not want to be the one to ask him places. I was hoping he'd either, as Zombieland puts it, "nut up or shut up."

[SuperPerve]

Nah he wasn't. If he was trying ot get back together her would have said something...

he maybe did genuinely wnt to be friends (or he was hoping it may turn into a FWB situation...) but I think its better for you not to talk to him or get involved in that kind of stuff because if he doesn't want you back you need to move on and not have to be wondering why he's texting or showing up where you are!

[Wiseone]

I would have done the same thing!. I understand the fact you went out to luch with him when he texted you its normal the feelings you felt for him were still there but its not the same when he sees you as a "friend". I think you did the right choice. I always believe that you can't be friends with your EX especially after he's the one breaking up. Give it some time and you will get over him. Time is the key to healing :)I hope I helped u!

Sincerely,

The Wise One

[katiesmuff]

Being friends with an ex can be very flustrating and difficult if not impossible. I think you being up front and saying NO is probably a very smart adult response to him. Certainly it hurts, but best in the long run and avoids further problems.

[katiekool]

I suppose you gota think what do you want? Do you want to get back with him?

If you do want to get back with him, you could always ask him to meet you for lunch and just be completely open and honest and see what he says!

Don't beat yourself up about it tho hun, we are all human!

All the best

xx

[Cupcakecutie0]

I would have done the same thing/ did the same thing. He is a ex for a reason, your doing good and just move on :D

[TheCheshireCat]

At least you were honest, lol.

[afrolejin]

only if you mean it no kissing the ex young lady