What's so bad about staying with someone until someone better comes along? Does "stringing someone along" really make you a bad person?

[aamina_m]

I know a lot of people who have done this, although I have never done it myself and I've never been a victim of it. I haven't done it myself because I think it's a waste of time to date someone I'm not REALLY into.

But my cousin did it.. she dated a guy who loved her for 4 years although she was not in love. She was always looking for better and one day she did find better. And as soon as the better guy proposed to her she broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years and married the new guy. They've been happily married with kids for years.

My brother also did this... he stayed with a girl for years waiting for someone better to come along and continued dating and seeing other people while he was with his girlfriend. After 6 years he found that he couldn't find better and ended up marrying her. She's not the love of his life, but he said he's just happy because she is happy that they finally married. So what's so bad about this situation if ultimately she got what she wanted - a marriage - and now they're trying to have babies. Double bonus for her for sticking around.

My sister did this too... and so did Taylor swift with Calvin Harris. She stayed with Calvin until someone way better came along - Tom Hiddleston. She'll probably end up marrying him. The two seem super happy together.

So I always thought this was really bad and selfish. And I have turned guys down who tried to break up with other girls for me. As soon as I find out there's a girlfriend I end it.. no ifs or buts. To me, a guy telling me "I"ll leave her for you" is a HUGE red flag...

but how come to others it is not? Have I been wrong to think this way? Does "stringing someone along" really make you a bad person?

What has been your experience with this and what do you think?

[AriadneSky]

if thats what they are doing then they should be ones, thats all. you can't be exclusive and see or look for other people. its called casual dating and thats ok as long as everyone nows so EVERYONE has a chance to loo around. when people do it secretly its bc they are too cowardly you let the possibility of their partner finding someone too. thats why its wrong and there's no way to justify it. its just a cowardly act from a person who is insecure and selfish.

if you want an open relationship or to casually date great fantastic you know what you want, but if you have to lie and deceive your partner -who is thinking you're together - to do it then you're pretty sleazy and i doubt anyone doing thats really groin to be happy bc they know they are a liar so they'll be paranoid even if they feel happy for a while, anytime things are not great they assume there partner is cheating or going to leave, bc they did the same. like AFTER the baby when the bodies a mess and she doesn't feel sexy or AFTER he marries her and she gets bored.

there is a reason you should treat people how you want to be treated - with aded treatment based on there preference- and its not only bc its the respectful thing to do. its bc if YOU are untrustworthy you will not be able to trust anyone else.

you reap what you sow and you reap a lot of it in your own mind. people dont have to actually cheat on you or you to live in fear of it.

[AriadneSky]

o imp deception is wrong

1 bc its a shitty way to treat someone else,

2 bc it makes you neurotic.

[AriadneSky]

So imo*

[aamina_m]

I really like your answer and you are right everything you are saying. If someone wants to keep playing the field, the other person should know so they can do the same thing. It's really unfair that the other person believes you are exclusive and that you might someday marry, when the other person is secretly trying to find someone better.

I think after years of seeing a lot of people doing this I lost sight of what was actually wrong...

[Shorty1991]

I've heard of a lot of people that committ themselves to relationships with people whom they are not physically attracted to or just have nothing in common with them. Then decide to strung them along until they find someone better. No, its not Ok to do so because their other half is thinking that everything's just hunky dory. . . and end up getting dumped for someone else. They will know and will be even more heart broken that they have been used. More to the point, if they are not satisfied in their current relationships and feel that its not going anywhere, why prolong this process by stringing them along rather than being honest with their partner and having the decency to end it. Then look for someone else.

[Shorty1991]

*string them along.

[aamina_m]

That is what I have always done, but now that I'm in my 30's, and everyone around me is married and I'm not, and these people who did what I stated above to get married... and they have the audacity to look down on me for remaining true to myself and choosing to be single instead of using others.

[Shorty1991]

Good on you. You don't have to follow suit to everyone else. Its like, people who know me are always asking why I haven't got a boyfriend yet. I find myself answering "because I haven't found the right person yet" I'm like a broken record. Its like they think I should be with someone. The bottom line Is that im not going to get into a relationship with any Tom, Dick or Harry just for the sake of having a boyfriend.

[aamina_m]

oh my god my thoughts exactly! And people are always trying to set me up with someone and I'm just so not interested nor do I care. I don't think people realize that having a boyfriend for the sake of having a boyfriend is a very easy thing to do. I can just go shop on some online website for someone else just as desperate. but I don't want to be with someone just to be in a relationship. I'll only give up my independence if it's worth it to me and I also feel like a broken record constantly saying "I guess I just haven't met the right person".

[Shorty1991]

Yeah I'm staying single until I meet a guy who's going to be worth my time and effort.

[aamina_m]

Same here :)

[Monsieur-potato]

I'm a bit scared for your brother's wife. If he ended up marrying her, and she's not "the love of his life", wouldn't that make him prone to cheating on her and having many affairs behind her back? After all, he DID see other people when they were dating...

Also scared that my mom is doing the same thing to her current boyfriend. I feel so bad for him. He's an awesome guy, and I could see myself calling my new dad. He deserves to know, but I don't want to lose him as my new father figure. Also don't want to be the one to break it to him when he loves my mother dearly. She should man up and tell him. ):

[aamina_m]

When my brother told me he was going to marry her we got into a huge fight. He accused me of not liking her and I told him "no it's because you were constantly cheating on her and telling me about it". I told him I never wanted to hear about any other girl ever again.. so since they got married, I don't know if he's cheating on her still. He seems a lot happier with her lately and we don't talk about it anymore after that fight we had, but is it possible that he fell in love with her after so many years of cheating on her? And now he's faithful? I like struggle to understand if men like him become faithful after years of cheating? I suspect that once things get tough, he'll just resort to cheating again whether he's faithful now or not. She just seems happy that she somehow got him to marry her.. she lives in her own little world...

[Monsieur-potato]

No... He might have come to love her again... But if he cheated on her so many times, I don't think he's suddenly going to change. He's definitely still doing it or at least the temptation is a strong urge for him. ):

[MG-TOW]

I am badly informed about the relationship between Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris. Could it not simply be that they were together but finally saw that being together was not the best option? That is not the same as being with someone until something better comes along.

Back to your question. I see people so this. Not only does it make someone see like a leech, it also shows that someone is not self reliant. Are you that desperate to be in some sort of a relationship? If you go into a relationship with this mentality it shows that you cannot be alone. I personally see that as a red flag. In my experience those people become clingy, jealous, desperate and everything else bad when problems in the relationship arise (which at some point always happens). This is of course a personal opinion and I can be totally wrong.

However, if I date a girl and see that the relationship does not go the way I think it should go and trying to fix it did not work, I will break off it right there. My mind will certainly not think "Let me find another girl before I break it off". I will just break it off. I will be fine with a relationship and I will be fine without one.

[aamina_m]

I think the same way you do. If things aren't working, I try to resolve, if it can't be resolved, then I end it.. I don't wait until I meet another guy.

But MOST people I know don't do this.. they wait until they can find better and just keep the piece while remaining in their current relationship... they either end up marrying that person or waiting until someone else comes along. so SAD and made me see relationships in a negative light, after seeing so many people do this.

[madhatters4]

i think it's wrong because you are essentially keeping someone despite not really wanting to be with them. almost like holding them hostage. you aren't allowing them to move on and find someone who will really like/love them.

[aamina_m]

my thoughts exactly.

[Anonymous]

"She's not the love of his life, but he said he's just happy because she is happy that they finally married. So what's so bad about this situation if ultimately she got what she wanted - a marriage - and now they're trying to have babies. Double bonus for her for sticking around."

I'm guessing she didn't want to just be married. I am sure she felt she was marrying the one. Who wants to be the one somebody settles for. What happens if someone that's better then her comes around?
I get WHY people would do this but it does make them pretty crumby people.

[aamina_m]

Yes I totally understand that. He has done things with my friends in front of her a few times and instead of breaking up with him she just stuck around so I'm not sure if she actually married for love or got married for the sake of marrying. She always talked about this agenda that she had of wanting to be married by a certain age, having a house by a certain age, and having children by a certain age. I'm sure she must have known my brother was cheating and chose to put up with it so she can fulfill her life goals... it kind of just seems like a business transaction.. their marriage.. instead of something real. It's kind of depressing actually and makes me not want to marry. I hope she loves my brother, for his own good, but a part of me thinks she just REALLY wanted to get married.

[Brokenheartedx]

I had a guy do that to me but I had the last laugh.. knowing what I got dumped for and how he's doin to her what he did to me on dating sites looking for better.. she has his kid so he's stuck with her for 18 years.. users are never happy people one day they'll have to face themselves in the mirror and be held accountable for hurtin other people

[aamina_m]

ha! that's a funny story! well glad he got his!

[nalaa]

You're taking time and opportunity from someone that cares about you , by lying to them. Not to ! mention play with their feelings. Why on earth do you think that would be OK?

[aamina_m]

I don't actually think it's okay lol you gotta read my whole question.

[abundantlyrich]

That's so casual and such a second hand way of thinking, when i'm so in the moment, there are no what ifs or if buts. It's NOW and nothing else. People change, and would want to move on unexpectedly. If we knew the whole script of our relationship livelihood, then we'll just get lazy and medicore in our relationships.

[HauteBrilliance]

i think people who do that are cruel... you're literally playing with them like some toy and when the toy gets worn out, you throw it in the trash and get a new one. i would never do something like that, thats just heartless and not taking peoples feelings into consideration.

[ChromAzonyx108]

"I'll leave you for him/her" is indeed a red flag because who's to say that he/she won't leave you when someone even better comes along?

I can see staying with someone for so long, trying to work things out, but past a certain point you're just wasting the other person's time.

[Anonymous]

It makes that person a user, a liar, a cheat, a douche or bitch and if they did it before they will probably do it again. As for Taylor Swift she is a big time liar who plays the victim and damsel in distress. I wouldn't be surprised if by the end of the year its all over E news, yahoo, MSN and every other news station and site that those two broke up. Once a cheat and a user always a cheat and a user.

[AlphaMale1]

This is about as selfish as a person can be in a relationship. If you are not happy in it then get out out of.

[aamina_m]

omg agreed!

[Wade888]

Capitalism has a very serious problem: It reinforces the wrong notion people have for status being a measure of goodness.

Nobody ever said loving someone was always easy.

[bryon]

It makes you a user in my book.

[aamina_m]

I agree...

[madhatters4]

precisely

[bryon]

@madhatters4 some times the old adage the grass is greener turns out to be turf

[aamina_m]

I think that if someone is thinking "the grass is greener" that's because they aren't happy with the side they are on... and maybe they should just leave both options... like if you're with someone and you meet someone else.. and you can't decide who you want.. you probably should just cut BOTH people off..

[bryon]

The question implies that they are only there until someone better comes along. If person two doesn't know this it is dishonest and leading person 2 on

[aamina_m]

yes I agree, and yet so many people do it anyway. I guess a lot of people I know are just selfish, inconsiderate and co-dependent.

[bryon]

I couldn't have said it better myself. If I'm not looking to make a future with some one , I'm just not there at all

[belindaskyler]

It's wrong and selfish. People who do this are scared of being alone, so they string people along with them just to satisfy their low self esteems.

[Relentless_Hippie]

It makes you a cheater and a worthless piece of shit. Your relatives are exactly this.

[RasmusAiken]

It's really cheating to pretend like that. You're wasting your SO's time and resources.

[phil2]

This is why I didn't date around, I married the first guy whom I was serious about. My sister did this and I think she is messed up for hurting so many guys feelings. Poor guys

[Anonymous]

I think it's bad stringing someone along, that's playing with someone's heart, although it may be good for you to have someone while looking it's not fair to them who is not doing the same to you

[Anonymous]

No it's fine. It's naturally ingrain female trait to monkey branch.

https://i.imgur.com/IHYSjx0.jpg

[aamina_m]

umm WOW... wtf...

[phil2]

Yes I am speechless

[Anonymous]

It makes you a shitty person. You're wasting someone else's time.

[WhaChaChaKing]

You're wasting the other person's time. You shouldn't use people.

[Anonymous]

Nothing assuming he has the same plan.

If you're the only one in on the scheme, it's obviously fucked.

[BeastRB]

Yes that makes you an awful person how is this even a question