Good or bad idea - first date at his house (he's cooking)?

So I met this guy online and we've been on the phone and Skype for 3 weeks now. I'm going to be in his City for a couple of days and he's invited me over for a first date at his house for a home cooked meal. Good idea or bad? Should I move it to a more neutral location? Keep in mind, we are older - I'm almost 40 and he's mid 50s so I would hope we are past the silly rules (?) - but still I can't help but think that one thing will lead to another.. and perhaps not a good thing on a first date when one wants a long term relationship. Of course, we've kind of been "dating" via telephone and webcam... so is it really a first date? My roommate (he's a guy) says to hell with rules - he doesn't see anything wrong with just going with the flow even if we end up in bed. He said he's never thought negatively of a woman who's "given it up so easily," but of course my girlfriend thinks I should play harder to get and ensure that by going to a neutral location. I guess I wouldn't be so confused if we lived in the same City, but the limited time is a factor. Your thoughts are appreciated...

Updates:
All good comments everyone! Thank you all for the constructive advice and sharing your experiences! I am leaning towards changing the location to somewhere half way between us. If we like each other then I still have a second night open while I'm down there to plan something. He has already implied that he's leaving the whole weekend open to see what happens...

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I was in a similar situation a couple of months ago. I started talking to a guy online, went to his city and we decided to meet up. Although we were mainly friends, he doesn't want a relationship in general and I was well aware of that. Before I arrived, he mentioned he would cook for me and I had similar thoughts to the ones you're having now: it's sort of to be expected that things MIGHT happen when two adults are alone. I felt a bit uneasy about the whole thing. We ended up meeting in the city (not because I voiced my concerns, it just happened that way) and because we met relatively late and things were closing down about 1.5 hours after we met, we decided to go to my hotel room for a drink and to talk. I again had this little voice in my head telling me "do you really want that, things MIGHT happen". I knew I wasn't going to initiate anything, but like I say, these situations are kind of asking for it. Also, I knew he wasn't after a relationship and I'm not the casual sex type. To cut a long story short: I ended up having sex with him that night. It was good but I sort of wish I hadn't done it because as expected, I am not the type for this and it hurt me in weird ways.

    I think it's ultimately up to you if you want to have sex or not. If you go to his house, you have to be aware that it might happen, because if there is attraction, it might be hard to resist in that moment even if you technically do want to wait a bit longer. I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with sex on the first date, or that there are some rules that one has to strictly follow (as in, no sex before the 5th date, or something like that). I am sure that there are guys who think less of a woman if she puts out on the first date, I am also sure that there are guys who are after sex on the first date and then they lose interest. But there are also guys who don't make any judgments and don't think less of a woman who doesn't make them wait. In the end, it's your decision. But if you aren't completely fine with the possibility that you might end up in bed, you should suggest a more neutral place for the first meeting. Because trust me, once you're in that situation it is very hard to resist even if you're a bit torn on the inside and don't know if it's right or wrong.

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    • Hmmmmm if you are not the casual sex type why did you even consider meeting up with the casual sex type of man. Stick to your guns next time because those type of men rarely change their minds. I suggest not even entertaining their convo no matter how hot they are

    • Yes, it was very stupid of me. I guess I was trying to get over my ex-boyfriend, and yes, he was hot. Not going to happen again!

    • Thanks for sharing your experience and for your comments! I appreciate it.

What Guys Said 6

  • Since you're older and have corresponded prior to this date I would say it is OK. I would definitely let some people know where you are going to be just in case things get weird. Also I'd have one friend in particular that you may have as a sort of emergency contact. A friend where you just say if something happens and I need help I'll text you... a one word text that she will know is the sign that she should act on...but this is only so you cover your basis because while I believe that this type of date is fine you don't want to be overly naive

    If you were a teen or youngish adult I'd say that this is probably a bad idea but like you said being that you are both older and assumedly more mature it doesn't seem like a terrible idea.

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  • Well, I hate to stereotype but when I first started to read this I was thinking of a younger poster (which many are), and thought it a little sketchy to go from no personal contact directly into a person's home. Just on the safety side. When I read further you explained the age and then I thought it was less of a big deal. For some reason I feel like a woman of 40 years is either tougher or has more sense than the 18-20s group. Both probably true haha, but I still lean towards caution but more towards danger of bad situations.

    As far as ending up in bed together at the end of the night, that depends on yourself and your own confidence/ideals. My long time girlfriend and I hooked up the second night I saw her and she admitted later that she was only looking for something short but got attached. So things can work out reverse too.

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    • I have to agree with vendrix - your age does change it but I also would suggest to be cautious. I understand you've been talking to him for three weeks etc but maybe meeting up for coffee first is better. if you guys still have the same attraction as you have on webcam shoot for a second date - dinner at his place then :)

    • Safe path is never a bad plan. Plus if he's that interested he'll jump at the chance for a second date at the house if the first goes well.

  • Are you worried about how it looks, or are you worried about him making a move and you being uncomfortable, or are you worried about hooking up and him taking that as evidence that you're 'just' for hookups?

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  • I would think that the age factor will keep things in check. It all depends, that in your heart of hearts, what do you really want.

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    • In light ofi your question update, I wish you guys the best of luck. I am glad to know that the age factor prevailed. ... I am implying the sanity that comes with age.. Nothing else :))

    • Thanks AshBrown... yes age certainly does help. I am much more rational now than I was 10 years ago - especially when I have all of you for my voice of reason!

    • Very kind of you to paint us with that brush.

  • First date should be in a public place, period. He should understand...

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  • You two are old enough that the rules no longer apply in my opinion. You should both be mature by now. I've always thought playing hard to get and waiting to do stuff is stupid. I know people that have had sex on a first date and ended up being married. He might be hoping one thing leads to another, but so what, can you blame him for wanting you? He may also just innocently want your company and to cook for you and check you out in person before anything goes further. I think you should just go with the flow and if you're in the mood have a good romp with him but if you don't feel it at the time then wait or make him wait.

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What Girls Said 5

  • Good or bad idea - first date at his house (he's cooking)?

    In my opinion that depends as it seems being alone with a guy is often perceived as consent to sex which you can't take back:

    - 'good' idea if you are sure you want to get f*cked by him

    - 'bad' idea if you're not sure you want to get f*cked by him

    It seems you're not sure so 'bad' idea.

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  • No way. Meet at a public location. There is no such think as dating online. If you haven't been around the person to observe their mannerism you don't know them. You might have been talking to this guy online and he seems honest but people lie all the time and that's how women go missing or dead. You are older but don't be stupid. Play it safe for now.

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    • Actually, I've already done my research as he does not have too common a name. His occupation checks out among other things he has told me he is involved in. Skype has definitely helped me see his mannerisms and part of his house so I feel a little more comfortable. Perhaps I could text my girlfriend at a designated time so she knows I'm okay...

    • U could also use the life360 app. It tracks your whereabouts. So yor friend can see. Don't worry she won't know where you are at all times only when you want her to.

  • Bad idea meet some where neutral

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  • No no no no no! Don't ever go to someone's house the first time you meet him offline. Its not a matter of rules, its a matter of possibly risking your life. Sure, it probably would be perfectly safe given most guys aren't murderers or rapists, but its still better to err on the side of caution when it comes to the matter of your personal safety.

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  • He can't take you out in public? Think about your safety, you're really considering going to a man's house the first time you met him? You should be more cautious.and yes its a first date, its the first time you're seeing him in person.don't let chatting give you a false sense of security. If a guy doesn't have to put effort in the beginning of the relationship, it'll only get worse as time goes on.don't sell yourself short

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    • Good point - although my married friend said a home cooked meal is more effort for a gentleman with means than to take me out - so I guess it all depends of what people consider special. The safety is a good point - though someone could potentially hurt me on the 3rd date too... so I guess one must hire a PI or do the research to be sure.

    • I don't agree.I make meals all the time.unless he's making you a 5 star gourmet meal I just don't see it as a big deal. He should be taking you out the first date

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