I told my husband he is "smaller" in front of my ex?

[livingtolive]

My husband is very old fashioned when I met him he was set in waiting for marriage in order to have sex, eventually we did it but now my ex who is my friend shows up as a friend and my husband can't stand to look at me.. anyway we were having a argument I was really pissed off so I asked him yelling out loud .. IS THIS CAUSE OF THE SIZE THING , IS THAT IT? he's IS BIGGER IS THAT WHAT YOU WANNA KNOW? IS IT ? FINE THERE!

anyway since den he doesn't touch me.. he keeps saying he's not interested I now this is killing him He's pushing me away.. I told him to get over it cause I thought it was not a big deal and he tells me he doesn't know his place anymore, he asked if he was supposed to laugh when my friends say sex jokes or if their thinking of what I said... I love this man and he looks at me like I'm made of ****,I don't think we're going to work it out but I want to... love but he can't stand to be around me..

He always said that me being friends with ex was disturbing for him, he says he wouldn't force me to pick between friends and him but that he;ll never consider my ex a friend... I wanna be with him. PS: picking him over my ex doesn't matter anymore to him. please help

[MrOracle]

Try to imagine if your husband called you a "fat, ugly, worthless skank" in front of your friends, and you knew that's how he really felt about you (and so did they). Wouldn't you be devastated? I know most women would be. That's how you've made him feel.

It seems to me that you don't understand how much of a man's ego comes from his sexual prowess and his (perceived) ability to satisfy his woman sexually. By attacking him this way, IN PUBLIC (at least, in front of someone else), you have completely undermined his self-confidence in a way you clearly don't appreciate.

The other thing is that when you get into a relationship, much less a marriage, you have an obligation to your partnership, to your TEAM, to put the TEAM's best interest in front of your own, and to be loyal to your team. Team members can criticize each other in private when necessary (that's healthy), but you do NOT criticize in front of other people, EVER. You support your team, so it can support you. You broke this loyalty covenant, and now he can't trust you anymore.

It may be possible to save your marriage, but at the very minimum, it's going to take some marriage counselling and WILLING PARTICIPATION from both of you. If you don't do that, then you might as well file for divorce now, because you have no hope.

[sluggofacepoojohnson]

I wanted to say something like this but my jaw was stuck to the keyboard

[TheStaff_Sergeant]

Well said! +9.

[Cromartie]

I'm more interested in helping you than condemning you. How long ago was this?

[livingtolive]

Monday..

[Cromartie]

Alright, so he's not going to cool down for a while, so let him brood for a bit. Everyone does something very hurtful at some time in a relationship and this is no different. You've just shaken his confidence. That said don't stress to much about it; I know that sounds like counterintuitive advice but you will be the source of ire for a little while for that outburst and honestly if he was harboring some elements of discomfort before you've only deepened that rift.

[Cromartie]

There are times when the best thing you can do is simply endure. You are in no position to comfort. You are in no position to be forgiven. Consider this a test of your resilience. I am afraid there are no tributes you can make to rectify this situation; any done now would be seen as conniving or otherwise twisted against you since malice tends to work hand-in-hand with suffering and negativity. So in essence just sit tight. If you really wish for this to work then you will prepare for the storm.

[Cromartie]

Just know that all storms end. Being wise about this will allow it to not end with you dead (read as: alone) at it's passing.

[Cromartie]

Now do me a favor and tell me the whole story. People don't randomly blurt out things in anger like this. What lead up to it? What was the argument about? You make it sound as if he brought it up, so there needs to be more clarification on the issue. This is not as simple as a random insult.

[livingtolive]

Well I would sometimes compare him to my ex about different things whenever I got upset at him and Monday I was being honest about his performance in bed and how whenever I was with my ex the sex was a little more satisfying and better. Then he got upset at me saying that and shouted WHY THE F*** DO YOU GOTTA BRING THIS DUDE UP EVERY TIME. And he doesn't wanna hear about how sex was with my ex. And that's when I dropped that "bomb" up in my story..

[Cromartie]

So the reality is that this problem is not a single instance but a long-standing one. Let me ask you the question he asked you: Why do you bring up your ex-boyfriend in comparison? What compels you to try and compare the two? Do you still love your ex-boyfriend?

[livingtolive]

We not really it's just that were some things that he did that I liked that my husband don't do.

[Cromartie]

Do the things that your ex did that your husband doesn't or won't do matter a lot to you? I'm trying to find the reason for why you seem intent on drawing comparisons between your husband and this specific person. I doubt that you've only met one person during your life that does things you like that your husband does not do so why the ex?

[livingtolive]

Because he was the most recent and I still like thinking about the nice things he used to do that's all

[Cromartie]

How long have you been married?

[livingtolive]

2 years

[Cromartie]

No wonder it's causing so much damage. First and foremost I am going to recommend for long-term repair quite a while after this incident that you seek you marital counseling. Even if he refuses to go with you it would be in your interest because if you've been married to someone for 2 years and you're using someone else as a weapon this is a major problem. It's gone beyong "simple flaw" into something far more dangerous. What you've done today is piss him off. What you'll to tomorrow is kill him

[Cromartie]

I don't know how long ago you dated your ex but if you married a man and I'm assuming you didn't marry him "on the spot" it's been over 1,000 days and you are very much so no longer applicable for bringing up your sexual history as a primary source for anything. I understand that this can be caused by frustration but there are better ways; you're not just poisoning your current marriage but you're killing your actual relationship future. Even if you were to date someone else no one, you ...

[Cromartie]

included wants to hear "Oh, my previous lover was better than you." for YEARS. Maybe it slips out within months, but continuous behavior is a sign of a problem within the person who holds the behavior. There is a fundamental belief that is fueling this that extends much further than your current problem. Despite this what you can do in the meantime if you're religious is just speak to one of your Church's Order. Ask for guidance on how to overcome and let go of your past.

[Cromartie]

I would hate to see your marriage fail but I would hate even more to see you continue to bring this suffering onto yourself. It's a fundamental behavior so it has nothing to do with your ex or your husband, it's all you this time, and so long as you've this mindset to lash out this way all of your relationships and ties are constantly in jeopardy. It may just be you're not frustrated with others often but that doesn't mean your lines that bind aren't just on a sensitive timer.

[livingtolive]

Thank you so much you actually helped a lot more than you know:-)

[Cromartie]

Safe travels.

[livingtolive]

:-)

[bunny_luv]

I think you're going to have to make a decision to either move forward with your husband or else stay back and remain friends with your ex. it really doesn't matter who they are or what they look like (package included). I would totally not be comfortable with my husband remaining friends with his ex. not that I'm married I'm just saying that in itself would be super uncomfortable.

and so you two got into words and you blurted out something that was probably not fair or even appropriate. but hey... a lot of us do that and then we end up regretting it.

bottom line is that you're going to have to make a decision with your husband. either you're with him and that means you're going to have to cut ties with your ex or else you're making a decision to go alone and be single and see who ever you want. it's your decision and I hope you make the right one. take care.

[Kai2013]

I hoope you didn't come on here for sympathy. That's something you don't say you should have more respect for your husband then that. you disrespected him in a horrible way and disgraced your marriage. I highly doubt he will change his mind he sounds threw. You also should have respected him when he said he didn't want you to be friends with your ex. He is your husband. Being in an argument doesn't excuse what you said. He will continue to push you away. Epecially when you say get over it. Don't try to make him feel like he did anything. He is in the right you are wrong. I reccomend a divorce because its coming no matter what. sorry for the blunt truth

[livingtolive]

I'ts not like I do it all the time it was a one time thing geez everybody I didn't mean it I was furious.

[Kai2013]

i understand that trust me I do but you have to be able to control what comes out of your mouth. he will always remember that. We all make mistakes but you made it a lot worse by saying get over it. What if he said in front of his ex that she Gave him a way better blow job you know? I bet you would be pretty hurt..When you truly love someone you don't say things like that.

[Stacyzee]

You demeaned your boyfriend as a man.

I know hurtful things are said in an argument but sometimes you have to draw the line somewhere.

How would you feel if he said his ex. was physically more attractive than you?

How would you feel if he said her p**** felt better?

Something that hurtful isn't something you can just get over.

It takes time and you need to be more sympathetic.

Although none of you were in the right for having your tempers flare, you

crossed the line and should take responsibility for that.

His reaction to you is the outcome of what hurtful words can do.

[heavensgift2girls]

I hope you realize how horrible you have been to your husband, because if this is they way you continue to act your marriage has zero chance at succeeding. If you want to save your marriage then you HAVE to cut all contact with your ex. Your husband says he doesn't care about you picking him over your ex, because in his mind you already picked your ex over your husband. Just because a guy says he wouldn't make you choose doesn't mean he doesn't expect you to choose. I don't know anyone in a committed relationship that would be okay with their spouse hanging out with an ex.

Then you have to work on your attitude towards your husband. Did you think your husband loved you so much you could get away with anything, and insult him and humiliate him like that? You need to realize marriage isn't truly a commitment, because the other person can end it at any time they want. It sounds like your husband is very close to divorcing you right now. You have been very selfish so far, and need to prove to him that this is just a rough patch in your marriage, but not how your marriage is going to remain.

If he really means that much to you, then you need to start making your husband feel loved right away. Have you tried to do anything romantic to make him feel loved? Romance is anything that can make the other person feel loved. Waking him up with a kiss, cooking something special for him, putting some thought into making this next Christmas special, are just a few things you might try.

[Kai2013]

This was extremly well said couldn't have said it better.

[madhatters4]

You told him "to get over it"...good move. That's like stabbing someone and as they bleed out pushing the sword in deeper

If I compared my girlfriend to an ex in the manner you did she would cry for days, followed by being furious, insecure etc... and I imagine that if your husband did the same to you you'd be furious

it's going to take time , lots of time I'd imagine. You basically made him feel like less of a man compared to a man that he already isn't comfortable around or being in your life. So now he has to think to himself, 'how much am I able to please her?' 'is the ex still around because he is better sexually'... these thoughts may be irrational or overreactions but they are the nature of insecurity and they are heightened when a person makes a direct comparison in the way you did

I think you need to apologize apologize and apologize some more. If I were you husband I'd just have a tough time feeling adequate again. I doubt most guys think they are the biggest dick, or the hottest guy, or the most muscular person a girl has ever come into contact with; however when oyu say what you did you tear down that wall of assumption and rebuild it with a concrete sense of inadequacy.

I don't know what you can do honestly to make him feel better because a sincere apology will only serve to show him you're sorry but not erase the feeling of inadequacy. I think you just reassure him constantly of how much you love him, how deeply sorry you are, and hope that he has the reserve of self-esteem to get over it but if he is an insecure person already it may be a bit too much.

there are a lot of things a person can say, names you can call someone in the heat of an argument that hurt but comparisons to ex's particularly in sexual prowess nature should 100% off the table

[Pawn-84]

How would you feel if he told you... you are so loose, if he didn't strap a board to his ass he'd fall in. Same thing as telling him he's small.

No-one can help you. You shot your mouth off now live with it. He will never see you the same again & will def never like sex with you w/o feeling inadequate.

It is what it is & time won't make him forget this one. If anything, as time goes on he'll feel lesser of you. Nothing you can say, nothing you can do... but separate & perhaps move on to BIGGER things. (No pun intended).

[livingtolive]

You really think that?

[Pawn-84]

Yes I do. You basically told your husband he's inadequate & he's a downgrade from your ex. How do you think he's going to feel.

[kheserthorpe]

What exactly is your question?

It's pretty much the worst insult possible for your partner. Its saying that as a man, he's less then your ex. Maybe he's good at doing chores, or earning money and being a good boy,but as a man, he's less. That's how it feels to men.

[Shameneyes]

That's the worst insult you could say to a guy... You will have to sacrifice friendship with your ex to fix this one. It's not the possibility of you cheating with him, It's the fact that you disrespected him in front of a guy that has been with you. Guys are territorial by nature. You lowered his status :/

[dan6122]

well first off you are just trying to start trouble. your friends with your ex and you constantly compare him to your current husband. who does that? perhaps your husband should be friends with his ex who is better looking than you. bigger boobs nicer ass better personality and just all together better looking and then he can constantly compare you to her.

you would not like that but here you are doing that to him and then you say get over it. you yell out that he is bigger and you say he was a better lover. again who does that?

if you ex was so much better than why is he your ex?

But wait there is more. he won't touch you now and your mad about that. why would he want to be with you after the way you treated him?

overall your an arrogant disrespectful c**t who deserves the beating of your life. I hope your husband divorces you and never speaks to you again.

[brocklee]

The size issue itself is not the real problem. The problem is you took something you knew your husband was self conscious about and used it to attack him in front of an outsider. Your aim was to hurt him to get an upper hand in the argument. You did a fine job. Now its time to pay the consequences.

[jmurk]

You obviously don't respect him at all and to be honest I don't know why he would want to be married to you. You belittle and insult him and then tell him that the guy you used to bang is bigger. Sounds like you're trying your best not to win the wife of the year award. I don't know what you can do because what you said was the biggest insult you could say to a man especially one who vowed to spend the rest of their life with you.

[ArabianPwincess197]

You don't deserve him you hurt him severely. A wife's duty is to uphold her husband's honour in front of outsiders. Nice wife you are! Insulting him - must've made you feel better. I agree with Brocklee and kambo. Your husband needs to find someone worth him in every aspect. A Virgin man is hard to find nowadays he deserves a woman who respects him

[Account]

Why did you say something so stupid? >< You crossed the line.

Eh, of course he doesn't want to touch you. I bet you wouldn't want to touch him too if he said his ex is prettier than you. "Get over it" alright, would you easily "get over it" if he told you, his ex gf's butt looks way better than yours? It is a big deal actually and you can't magically expect things to be fixed. The decision is his. You can't change the way he feels about you now. He is angry and it's justifiable.

[kambo_trick3y]

...

I sincerely, truly, hope he breaks up with you.

You are not worth it.

[livingtolive]

Don't say that please!

[BoobMan]

Yikes! This is a tough one. Lots of damage to fix here. A lot will depend on what each of you is willing to do to fix it.

[sluggofacepoojohnson]

Divorce him and learn to not say such stupid things and learn that being friends with an x boyfriend while married is awfully stupid too.

[sluggofacepoojohnson]

I agree with Kambo tricky

[kimberlyxxx]

OMG! How could you do that! You are very disrespectful and insensitive!