Avoiding Me After Sex? Was I used?

So I have had this friend for 10 years... and after some turbulence the last year...and a change in circumstance we both decided to pursue something non-platonic. We both admitted having feelings for one another... and we went out on our first date last week.

It was amazing! He and I had a really great time reconnecting and bonding. We went out for the day and later he cooked me dinner. It was really sweet and special. Thereafter, I spent the night. We had really passionate sex. He held my hand the entire time. We would fall asleep in each other's arms... wake up and have sex again. Truly great.

In the morning I kinda freaked out being overwhelmed emotion and I tried to leave. He begged me to join him back in bed so he could hold me. And he did for two hours... just laying there rubbing my back and holding my hand. Finally, I looked up at him and he made love to me. Which was very emotional for both of us. After we climaxed he just held me. It truly was the greatest time I have spent with someone.

That being said... afterwards he cooked me breakfast... and drove me to the train station (I live 3 hours away). That evening we texted each other - saying we had a great time and that yes we shall catch up again soon. So I was optomistic!

We have emailed a few times since (3 times I think this week)... and I offered to stop by to see him next week or the week after as I consistently go to his city for work. Both times he said keep me posted on your plans... but I may not be in town. I will let you know. WTF!?!

He has been a close friend for a decade... and I guess I am kinda destroyed by his lack of enthusiasm about us seeing each other again. He made love to me, he held me... and he assured me we would see each other again. Is he avoiding me? Should I just assume that he doesn't want this now? Was I used?

I should also say that his emails have gone back to their platonic banter. Hey did you read the news today? I am going out with a buddy to party the w/e you want to visit... etc. But, hey plans change so I'll let you know. *sigh
I tried to leave several times that night because I was scared he'd do this. I tried to keep my distance emotionally... but he kept insisting on breaking down those walls of intimacy. God I am stupid.
Alright the verdict is in! My friend and I talked -- and I am relieved to say that his distance was only a result of the fact that he wanted to claw things back. Thank god! He wanted me to know that "we were seeing each other" not "dating" as of yet.
dating as in exclusive. Which I am relieved because I needed more time to come to terms with the feelings and to trust him. I am new at dating since my divorce so he was just trying to guide me politely without being rude. He is cool with no more sex
He wants to slow things down - no more sex- so that we can build something out of our friendship at a more natural pace. It was too intense for me too -- so I am happy that he wants to try and see where it goes.
and actually go on dates and build up the chemistry at a normative pace. As opposed to being put in the whole FWB category. That is why he confirmed that yes we would "see" each other again in his text... and that he is non-commital too far in advance
Geesh! I have been outta the loop for far too long! Anyways... he hasn't disappeared nor did he use me for sex. He wants to build something... just not at a lightning pace - and to develop at a pace I am comfortable with.
As he knows that I recently broke up with a guy because things were moving too fast too quick... and so knowing that he doesn't want history repeating himself. Thank god we are friends... and that he cares enough for me to clarify without having to ask.
Apparently all the passion and emotional love making was genuine and 10 years in the making. And the cuddling was to reinforce that he cared for me... that it was meaningful and not a 1 nite stand or FWB thing and wants to see me
I guess it's all about setting boundaries. See I am on a mission not to be needy or clingy ... and to just go with the flow.


Most Helpful Girl

  • I believe he likes you very much. It may not seem that way but I think he does. You are a girl he has known for 10 years, AND you had amazing passionate sex. I am sure he has now gone into a panic mode because he is feeling what you are feeling, and he is scared. The only way to repress what he is feeling is by acting normal, and communicating like you always have. He can't see you right away because its too much to handle for him. He's use to this relationship that you have had over 10 years, and if you see each other and continue to sleep with each other it could ruin things. He is actaully doing you a favor by saying no, because he's holding the friendship together. I think both of you need some time to sort out your feelings for each other. You obviously are compatiable on emotional and physical levels. In the mean time, don't contact him. Let him reach out to you. Within the next few weeks you will get an idea of what he is feeling. He may back off for awhile if you disappear because he will think you are not interested in speaking to him anymore, but I am sure you will hear from him. I can def see something coming out of this, despite the way he is acting. This is just a typical man, having what he wants in the palm of his hand, and having no clue what to do with it! Just stay strong, you were not used, and do not feel stupid for what you have done.

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      Thank you so much for your kind and supportive answer! I do hope your right. He and I are very close and have been through much as of late. I think it was a lot to take in -- I know it was for me (and I'm a girl...lol). I have already decided to back off - after I have recently reassured him that things are cool and he won't ever lose me as a friend and I think he has done the same in return to me as you point out. There is something there... deeper than either of us apparently wanted to admit

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      Exactly, he does want something he just doesn't know what he wants. This is the type of relationship that you get into for MARRIAGE, not just for a fling. He also just broke up with his girlfriend 4 months ago, sometimes, sleeping with someone so soon can make you even more confused about your feelings.You were VERY mature about everything, which is excellent, he will remember that. As long as you left it on good terms with him, I am SURE you will hear from him again when he is ready.

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      See I told ya!! Good Luck girl, I hope everything works out well =)