Avoiding Me After Sex? Was I used?
So I have had this friend for 10 years... and after some turbulence the last year...and a change in circumstance we both decided to pursue something non-platonic. We both admitted having feelings for one another... and we went out on our first date last week.
It was amazing! He and I had a really great time reconnecting and bonding. We went out for the day and later he cooked me dinner. It was really sweet and special. Thereafter, I spent the night. We had really passionate sex. He held my hand the entire time. We would fall asleep in each other's arms... wake up and have sex again. Truly great.
In the morning I kinda freaked out being overwhelmed emotion and I tried to leave. He begged me to join him back in bed so he could hold me. And he did for two hours... just laying there rubbing my back and holding my hand. Finally, I looked up at him and he made love to me. Which was very emotional for both of us. After we climaxed he just held me. It truly was the greatest time I have spent with someone.
That being said... afterwards he cooked me breakfast... and drove me to the train station (I live 3 hours away). That evening we texted each other - saying we had a great time and that yes we shall catch up again soon. So I was optomistic!
We have emailed a few times since (3 times I think this week)... and I offered to stop by to see him next week or the week after as I consistently go to his city for work. Both times he said keep me posted on your plans... but I may not be in town. I will let you know. WTF!?!
He has been a close friend for a decade... and I guess I am kinda destroyed by his lack of enthusiasm about us seeing each other again. He made love to me, he held me... and he assured me we would see each other again. Is he avoiding me? Should I just assume that he doesn't want this now? Was I used?
What's Your Opinion?
Most Helpful Opinion
I believe he likes you very much. It may not seem that way but I think he does. You are a girl he has known for 10 years, AND you had amazing passionate sex. I am sure he has now gone into a panic mode because he is feeling what you are feeling, and he is scared. The only way to repress what he is feeling is by acting normal, and communicating like you always have. He can't see you right away because its too much to handle for him. He's use to this relationship that you have had over 10 years, and if you see each other and continue to sleep with each other it could ruin things. He is actaully doing you a favor by saying no, because he's holding the friendship together. I think both of you need some time to sort out your feelings for each other. You obviously are compatiable on emotional and physical levels. In the mean time, don't contact him. Let him reach out to you. Within the next few weeks you will get an idea of what he is feeling. He may back off for awhile if you disappear because he will think you are not interested in speaking to him anymore, but I am sure you will hear from him. I can def see something coming out of this, despite the way he is acting. This is just a typical man, having what he wants in the palm of his hand, and having no clue what to do with it! Just stay strong, you were not used, and do not feel stupid for what you have done.
What Guys Said 5
Oh dear, so many girls offer themselves up as a bit of no strings fun then expect more, I have said the same thing to those girls here who want more out of a friends with benefits type nonsense situation and I will say it to you now..
It worked and felt amazing because he was happy with the arrangement you gave him, he could leave all his feelings at the door and just enjoy you for the time you are together, once you are out of sight you are out of mind.
Sorry to break it to you but it seems this night of passion meant a lot more to you than it did him, he has now gone back to treating you as a friend and may or may not have another night of passion but by the sounds of things that's all he needs from you other than being a friend.
If you want a real relationship then you will do best to avoid wasting time chasing him because if he liked you like want him to then he wouldn't avoid you.
Girls, don't stop getting attached to these guys, you offer sex they take it, if they wanted more they wouldn't be so shallow as to go through with a 'just sex no strings attached' role with you in the first place.
There's a difference to being used because you didn't know what the guy wanted so he took advantage and being forgotten about as anything more than just a lay as advertised.
Don't be so hard on yourself, you didn't do anything wrong. This was ten years in the making,and you thought you knew him based on that long friendship that you had. How on earth could you have known he might use you? Yes I do encourage girls to wait before having sex, and yet, you waited ten years. So I repeat, you did nothing wrong.
First, we don't even know if he's really lost interest or if he really did use you. The only way to tell is if he initiates sex every time you see him and he doesn't talk about or avoids discussing the "where we stand" conversation. Only then will you know if he used you or not. So please don't think you did anything wrong, sometimes we just have bad luck. Learn what you can, and move on, if he has indeed used you.
Hey chill out girl...
Not as easy for him either... leave him some time to handle the case, make up his mind.
As you said you have been best friend for decades and obviously he would make love to you if he does respect you as a real friend... (Would never treat a friend as a slut)
But now back to reality: He likes you very much but just don't know if he's up for a real relationship with you, as you said you were good friends... He just need to make a decision which is not easy... give him some time, reason why he keeps it blurry, don't push!
Try to have as good time as when it happened, he just need to confirm what he rather have.
What Girls Said 10
:) Hows the relationship going.. just curious, I was in a similar situation, but I did not have your courage... I never made y feelings clear & well he is married lol
Hope everything turned out well for the two of you... Wish I had been more proactive- I spent mot of the time trying to convince him & myself I had no feelings for him. :)
I think he used you. And might still. This guy that was a senior when I was a freshman and I were friends for a while but we ended up doing stuff and we continued and stuff kept happening. Then he supposedly got drunk and said some stuff and then later we talked and did it. But then we never talked after that...
I might be wrong, but I think he used you.
Though you have known each other for 10 years, the same rules apply to hooking up as if you just met him. You should never sleep together on the first date, or for many dates thereafter. This is the reason why, it gives both of you time to sort out how you feel about each other and it gives you time to see if the dating is consistent and the focus is there on his part or not.
I have had, surprisingly, very passionate sex that seemed just like "making love" with someone who was a casual partner. It never turned into a relationship. It felt like it should have. To be fair, on his part I doubt he premeditated any of this. He went with the flow, he enjoyed it and he probably never thought about it as needing to lead to a long-term deal. You can actually have a very romantic evening with a guy, and passionate love-making, and have it turn into...nothing.
I am sure afterward, when he had the time to sort out his feelings from his lust/passion, he found that he was not ready or could not consider having something more regular with you now.
You are not stupid so please do not put yourself down. You wanted a good friend to be something more. You thought you read his signals correctly and you gave yourself to him and from the sounds of it you both enjoyed pleasing each other.
Now... the morning has come and you are clueless to what he expects right?
He has gone back to friend mode, so follow his suit. You are just a friend, you are not available for physical hook ups, you are busy living your life and bettering yourself. If you find your thoughts wandering back to him, push them away and onto something positive. What is that thing you just keep putting off? Is it joining a club, learning a language, what?
You learned a valuable lesson and it hurts trust me I know... Never give a precious gift to ANYONE until you find out their worth. He has no idea how precious and valuable you are, but you know your worth, so keep stepping and you will meet someone who see's and appreciates your value.
you may be emotionally attached to him now, but remeber guys aren't :( its just not in their bodys you just have to give him a little time. Him saying he's a little busy doesn't mean he doesn't want to see you again! just know that if he continues to keep blowing you off that's a red flag. Give it a little time and try to let HIM contact you first :) good luck!
Maybe he thought you were the one who was being distant when you tried to leave and now he is going back to platonic banter because he thinks that's all you want. I know you are really vulnerable right now but wait and see how he continues to act. Maybe he is busy but next time talk to him about how you feel so you can know what's going on.