She wants to be friends first before dating?

Question

Sup guys, I'm going to make this as direct as possible. 

I met a girl at a college. We talked a lot for a week. I told her that I liked her. She told me that she doesn't find me attractive, but then she said that she doesn't have many friends and would really like to hang out with me. She told me that she didn't find her first boyfriend attractive, but dated him later on after they became friends.

Now, I'm aware that girls tell guys that they can still be "friends" to let them down easily without hurting their feelings. I'm also aware that she might treat my like one of her female friends or more like a brother than a lover. I'm not new to this whole thing. I know a lot of guys ask the same question of, "why does she want to be friends first?", and the answer is that the girl is simply not interested.

However, I was a little persuaded when she said, "I wasn't attracted to my previous boyfriend but I still dated him".

Will she never be romantically interested in me because of the lack of physical attraction? Is she just saying that because she is desperate for a friend to talk to? Is she leading me on? Should I just make it clear to her that I am only interested in dating her, or should I give her more time and get to know her more? Is she playing it safe because she was hurt before? But then again, she directly told me that she doesn't find me attractive, so I have a feeling that she just wants to be friends. Also, it seems like she doesn't like it when I flirt with her. Should I just move on and save time? Or is it possible that she was hurt before and wants to take it slow?

Lol I think I'm just overthinking everything. Do youguys think I should just break off contact? Or should I just hang out with her as a friend and give it a few weeks?

btbc92 · Accepted Answer

You are overreacting. If she asks for you to be friends first then it's up to you. But respect how she feels. She has never turned you down. She wants to get a chance to know you as a friend first, before she decides if she wants to date you. I'm the exact same way. I don't agree with dating total strangers. You have no idea who they really are, where they've been, WHO they been with, etc. Things you don't really find out in dating, and wait years to find out in marriage. In order for her to feel attracted to you, she needs to get to know you as a friend first because that is what makes her feel comfortable and safe. You can't trust everybody that walks up to you and say they like you. She wants to take things slow, and that's perfectly fine. She might be a bit desperate for a friend, but she is not leading you on. You would have known that before you asked her out. However if you just want to date her, I'm pretty sure she is going to shut you down and not consider being friends with you. It's not fair to her. And I'm like her, I hate flirting as well. Be nice and respectful regardless to how you really feel. She doesn't have to be hurt before just to want to take things slow. You need to be honest to her about it. But if you really want to date her and she agrees on the terms that you two be friends first, remember that YOU asked her out, it's her terms. If she asked you out, then it's on YOUR terms.

Once again, it really depends how much you really want to date her. If you just in it for a fling and is not serious then no. Don't date her, you'll just hurt her. And if you are only just interested in dating her and don't want to show friendship, then don't date her for her sake. Because I know how that feels like to be disrespected and hurt because they did what you did. Don't think about yourself and don't be selfish because you want to date her, and she isn't prepared to date you yet. At least she is considerate that you like her. if she didn't want to date you she would have just told you.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

By the sounds of it, you obviously really like her but she isn't sure what she thinks about you. You really gotta think about what YOU want from this. You need to ask your self this question, "Do you actually want to be thier freind?" Like would you be happy that thats all that is was? If not, you need to move on a get this person out your life. Because if you continue to be thier freind in the hope that "One day they will change thier mind" your going to end up wasting time only to get yours hopes up for no reason and you'll get hurt.

Though it does sound like she hasent really decided if she likes you or not, but i would say you need to take action. You either decide too walk away, continue to be her freind OR you try and maybe even ask her what she wants. You need to know where you stand, Because by what im reading, it sounds like your just ASSUMING the possibilities? If i make sense? Like you sound like you dont know if she does like you or not, your just assuming she does or doesnt?
So I think you need to talk to her and ask her how she feels about you. If she doesn't like you, you need to decide what YOU want.. Freindship or not.. And if she does.. Well then ;)

The last thing i will say is try your hardest to NOT put pressure on her? Because she might not be ready for another relationship and it could scare her off if you come on too strong.

accountjustforfun · Accepted Answer

What you decide to do is completely up to you, however I don't think she is worth your time.

I hate to admit it, but to most people, weather they admit it or not, looks ARE an important factor in a relationship. You have to at least somewhat be attracted to your partner for a healthy relationship, I think. Otherwise you are more just like friends.

That being said, the fact that she straight up said that, is kind of rude and shallow. I don't care what you look like, there is someone for everyone and you can find other girls who WILL appreciate you for everything that you are and everything that you are not.

If you want to be her friend, go for it. Maybe she will fall head over heels for you and end up finding you attractive after she spends more time with you and gets to know you better. I can't say, but the fact that she had a similar experience with her ex and it clearly didn't work out makes me believe that it won't happen.

I'm sorry. Let me know what ends up happening!

WillowTree · Accepted Answer

Nah, you don't have to wait around for her to make up her mind. The point of dating is to see if you like the person enough for a relationship. Don't let her keep you dangling on a wire hoping for something that may never happen. If she wants to play the friend game, then that's the cue for you to see other people. On the off chance she wants to give you one later down the line, then it's up to you if you want to proceed but for now don't waste your time sitting on the back burner.

Ratiocinative · Accepted Answer

You waited too long. You should be be asking a woman out on a date before the end of your first conversation, not a week. Stop being a bitch. Be a man and if you like a girl ask her out, and if she tells you she's not interested then go meet some other women.

She is telling you she wants to be friends with you because she is testing you, a shit test is what a lot of people call them. She's testing your strength as a man. A real man is assertive and goes after what he wants, and doesn't waste his time with bad deals. A real man knows there are millions of single woman out there looking for a great guy to date, and there's no reason to waste time with one who isn't interested.

For example, if you had a job and they said "we don't know if we want to hire you yet, but volunteer here for a while and if we like you then maybe we'll hire you on and start paying you". Would accept a deal like that? Hopefully not. Your time is worth money, don't let someone take advantage of you. Likewise, she wants to be just friends so she can have you as a backup. She'll continue to date other guys, and when it doesn't work out with them she'll go to you for comfort until she finds another guy. Rinse and repeat.

Tell her no deal. Tell her you're not interested in friendship, and that if she changes her mind to call you. And honestly, you shouldn't be dating women who are out looking to make guy friends with guys who have romantic. It's a red flag for women who have daddy issues, abandonment issues, or just self-esteem issues in general. You should be dating women who have strong relationships with female friends, those are the kind of women who tend to be high quality women and fun to be with.

meatballs21 · Accepted Answer

You're friendzoned. She is going to lead you on. "She doesn't find you attractive" is a dead giveaway.

By all means remains friends with her if you like (because she might have friends you WILL find attractive) but don't expend any effort on trying to woo her.

Serah8675309 · Answer

As a girl I have done this to a guy before and whenever I have it has been either one or the other options you've brought up. Sometimes It was my nice way of rejecting him, and other times with other guys I actually saw slight potential in, but not enough to jump from friends to dating so quickly. So if you were to ask if this means Yes, no, or maybe for trying to keep going for her, take it as a maybe. Don't give up hope but don't push anything on her that is leaning more towards a relationship. Just be yourself, don't change how anything is and just be her friend for now. Some girls prefer to see their future guy as a friend first just to develop a real connection, instead of an artificial lustful one. If you don't like the idea of being friends then break away, who knows, maybe she"ll realize what she missed out on once you leave.

FlutteringFeelings · Answer

That's odd because we cannot turn back the hands of time. It's like me knowing someone likes me and they tell me all of a sudden i mention "let's be friends". If she knows your intentions or your interest it's her choice to figure out whether she wants to go further with you or cut everything off. Honestly, to save yourself i think its the best idea to break off contact because you want one thing and she wants another. You see her more than a friend but she just wants to be your friend and that's not going to go anywhere if she wants to start back on Plan A when she needs to proceed forward along with you in order for things to work out.

Dim_121 · Answer

In order to even have a chance at dating her you have to be her close friend. So why not be her friend while you look around for another women to date? Some women need a strong emotional connection to someone before they find them attractive. I believe that they are called demisexual. To her she won't ever consider someone before she trusts them. So while your slowly working on her keep your eyes open for others.

Anonymous · Answer

Just tell her that in the end you are interested in dating her, and if she isn't interested in that, she should let you know now.
But if she is interested, but wants to take things slow and get to know you better first, that you will be ok with that, and that you will understand if in the end she decides to say no. But also let her know that if she can set a specific time frame for this, you will wait for her, like 6 months. But if she can't and wants you to wait indefinitely for her, then you can't promise to be exclusive during this time. She should be able to make up her mind in about 6months. But more than that, I don't know.
It's just like the scenario with guys who need several years of dating just to decide if they want to marry you or not. I used to date for about 6 months, if they hadn't formed some kind of decision by then, I broke it off.

Anonymous · Answer

She really just wants you as a friend for now. For the future, this is neither a promise nor a denial.
I want to be friends first, too. I don't just fall in love with a guy in the distance, I fall in love with someone I know well, with their personality. Which doesn't mean I fall for every single friend I have. The being friends first is a way to find out if you can be romantically interested in this person.

An example you may understand: you found a person on tinder but aren't sure they might look like their picture. So you decide to meet up in a public place first to check if they're hot and real. This doesn't mean you're definitely going to have sex after meeting, this means you'll decide after meeting. You might find out you don't want to fuck this girl after all.
Not exactly the same situation but it has a similar reason.

Anonymous · Answer

You sound very mature. Become her friend but move on from her. Doing so will take the pressure off of her, and you won't be so focused on her. She may then actually start seeing the real you once tension of lust and love are not clouding your and her thoughts.
Take this friendship slow. This will be a great friendship. I can't see into the future but it will work out just fine if you leave out your hopes and dreams and take it slow. Good luck

knightengale · Answer

She likes your attention but doesn't want to date you. Sorry to say but you are friendzoned.

What I recommend is go and meet other people and have her completely just as a friend.

IF she then really does find you more than a friend then she will step up. But you sitting around waiting for her or over thinking is not good.

parvulus · Answer

My mother went out with a guy in high school whom she didn't find very attractive at first. But with time, she ended up falling in love with him.
You should probably give it time, be a friend for a while but be sure she knows you have romantic intentions with her, be firm about wanting to date her. If it's been a while and you're being treated as a friend, tell her that's not what you want and then leave the friendship.

Barrabus_the_Free · Answer

You're wasting your time with this one. That line about not being attracted to her other boyfriend is a lie. Or at best, a half truth: she might have not been attracted to him but he had money.

Walk away from her.

Partywithtom · Answer

Firstly do not ever tell a woman you like her prior to "dating". It should be implied and acted upon and mutually acceptable then you can say it. You're young and out of highschool so your social status is much harder to destroy. Best bet is to move on for a couple reasons.
1) She know she has you
2) If you move on and find another girl she may come running.

Either way it's a win win.

Randosimed · Answer

"Do you guys think I should just break off contact? Or should I just hang out with her as a friend and give it a few weeks?" - No. Just keep dong what you're doing and have her as a friend. Then ask her to help you find a girlfriend (not her). Chances are, just when you've found another lovely girl, this one will be all over you. If she isn't, that's fine, you've found somebody else :)

OlderAndWiser · Answer

You are definitely overthinking things. Spend a little bit of time with her and see what happens. You know, she may just be testing you to see if you only want to get in her pants. But don't treat her as the next girlfriend. Be looking for someone else who may be more direct with their feelings and the dating routine. And when you start to find someone else, watch for her to become jealous.

Texas609 · Answer

If you like her, I would definitely try to be friends with her for a while and see how it goes! I'm honestly the same way, my best relationship I had for 5 years (we broke up a month ago but still plan to make it work in the near future) was with someone I was NOT attracted to in high school at all but we became very good friends and then one thing led to another and we fell for each other. I am white and never thought i would be atttacted to an indian guy but it happened because i fell in love with our great relatiomship amd connection. I think girls often like developing a relationship with a guy before they are serious! It let's her get to know the real you more and let's her learn to be completely comfortable around you. I really think if you like her, you will just try to be her friend for a while. Make her laugh, be there for her when you can!!

Abe90 · Answer

Maybe she wants to keep you around as a friend in case she if she realizes that she may not have feelings for you. You could be her friend and see where it goes but you stated it in the beginning that you want to date her. So being her friend in the beginning may not be the best solution because you both may want different things from the other

Maik567 · Answer

The question you need to ask yourself is whether you are fine with just being friends with her or not. If you are then there isn't a problem, just be friends with her and if something happens then it happens. But if you definitely want more with her then I don't think it's worth it to be friends with her and keep waiting for something that might never happen. If that's the case then just move on and look for a girl who shares your interest.

singlebee · Answer

Yes you should break it off completely... Something Is wrong with her... I think she doesn't know what she wants or had too high standards.. for guys..

Don't be her friend... That's the last thing you should do. You can't to get because you were interested and not because you wanted to be her friend..

She can find some other friend if she wants friendship

Anonymous · Answer

Even if she slowly becomes attracted to you, she probably has a very low sex drive.

But who knows. Anyway, i'd take it at face value, assume you're friends, and keep pursuing other girls. Have her help you hit on other girls. Because you're friends.

If you can't handle that then cut contact.

Tenseven · Answer

Only you can decide if you want to remain friends with her but it looks to me like that's ALL it'll ever be. Friends.  If you can handle that, be her friend. If it hurts too much, break contact.

JuicyBrain · Answer

You could waste your time and play her game or look elsewhere. Seriously, why bother?

Yanoa_Yanza · Answer

"I wasn't attacted to my previous boyfriend"... And look what happened! XD
I mean, you shouldn't put too much hope on her dating you, and at the end of the day we're attracted to Something in terms of looks

She wants to be friends first before dating?

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