Am I overreacting?

[Anonymous]

So my boyfriend and I were supposed to hang out tonight and he had just informed me that his "boys" all came over and they started drinking so plans have changed so he won't be coming over. Now normally I wouldn't be too upset. But I work 50 hours a week and never get to see him. He also told me earlier today he would be over but now change plans on me. I clearly expressed to him that I was upset by this and he didn't seem too phased. He invited me to join in, but I have a young child and would not be able to find a babysitter on such short notice. His defense is that he invited me, but he knew I had nobody to babysit tonight. I feel very hurt by this. I do a lot for him and right now I feel brushed off. He only works 20 hours a week and goes to school so he never has any money so I have paid for a lot of things for him because I care about him. I just know if maybe I'm overreacting or not but I've decided to not speak to him for the rest of the night.

[Confucius16]

No, you are not overreacting. Still, you could deal with this a little differently.

He shouldn't cancel his plans at the last minute. If he must, he should cancel maybe a day ahead, or well in advance. It shows how much he cares for you if he drops spending time with you over spending time with his friends, when in fact you hardly get the chance to be with him.

Tell him this: "I am upset that you dropped everything for your friends. I work 50 hours a week, and I don't appreciate that you can't spend some time with me. I am upset that you aren't willing to spend some time with me. If you really care for me, then you would make the time to be with me." Tell him your true feelings, without putting negative emotions in. Just be honest with your feelings, and explain why you feel the way you do.

Yes, he asked you to join them, but I'm sure you would like to spend some time with him alone, rather than with him and his friends. Yes, you can't find a babysitter at the last minute, but you should let him know. You can't assume that he knows that, even though it may seem obvious. Still, maybe sometimes you could compromise by spending some time with him and his friends. Then you can encourage him to spend some time with you alone.

You have every right to tell him how hut you feel when he does that. However, you should be direct with your feelings and the consequences of his actions. That way, he can see where he has done wrong, and you can work out a solution with him.

No. Just because he has made a mistake, does not mean that you should stop all communication. Rather than stop communicating, which is a common mistake, and just makes him more confused, you should just communicate more. Just tell him your feelings. Remember: never stop communicating just because you are angry. That doesn't solve the problem.

[sexyasianboi26]

If he's boys come over, then he has no choice but to NOT kick them out.

I used to live in a middle of nowhere, my first girlfriend lived 15 miles down the road, and my boys 20-25miles, so yup.

[Asker]

Well he lives with his best friend. And his friends that came over are all mutual friends with his roommate as well, so he wouldn't be kicking them out because they just came over to drink. But I dunno, I guess I felt like I wasn't a priority.

[fisher01]

Yes and no got to look at it is angle he wants to see is mates which is very normal for men . And you are right to be as you said you work a lot my boyfriend mate phoned and wanted to hang out and he says sorry man my miss is working crazy and I want to spend the evening with her all depends on the guy don't worry if he does it again then you have a problem but just let him have his man night :-)

[Asker]

Yea you make a good point, I guess if this persists then I need to reevaluate the relationship.

[fisher01]

Its a hard one . How long you been togther ?

[Asker]

6 months. I just feel like I give a lot and haven't got much back in return. I know he goes to school and doesn't make as much money as me but all I ask for is his time. It doesn't cost anything

[Confucius16]

QA: Compromise is key. Perhaps sometimes you can arrange to spend the night with him and his friends, and then he can be persuaded to spend some alone time with you.

[countrythick26]

i would be very upset . don't let him do you like that . you use your money to help him and everything and he brushed you off. you could use that money for your child and yourself . A REAL man wouldn't take money from his girlfriend especially when she has a child.

[backagainagain]

Is this a regular thing where he breaks plans? If it is then you have a right to be upset because he is showing that your time is not very important but if it only happens once in a while or this is the first time then I think you are overreacting.

[Asker]

There's been times where he's said maybe he would come over but chose to be with his friends. But this is the first time where at first he said he was coming to hang out for sure earlier then changed his mind. So I was a bit upset but I'm just trying to let it be. If it becomes a continuous issue tho then it'll show me where he really stands

[fisher01]

Umn okay this is diffrent .what I will say as a women to women don't ever let a man or in this little boy upset you . Because if you are up set your child will be upset as no child wants to see a sad mum .and no man is worth that just put your heart into that and not a man who lets you down like that you sound like a great mum and a great women who don't need a man who drops spending time with you for mates :-)

[Confucius16]

I don't think the QA is overreacting. More like she needs to deal with this problem in a different way. Still, if you, QA, are upset about something, then communication dictates that you must voice your feelings. But it must be done in a careful way.

[backagainagain]

Now I see it could be a snow balling pattern. You do need to talk to him about it. If it doesn't change then start treating him the way he treats you and tell him that is what you are doing so you are not playing games. I have honestly forgotten I had plans with my boyfriend before and made other plans with friends and my boyfriend forgives me because sometimes it's him who does it. Shit happens but it's a matter of disrespect and it is not a pattern nor happen often. It's the same with my friends.

[bassist58]

I think you're overreacting a bit, he just wants to have a night with his friends. I wouldn't worry about this.

[Anonymous]

You have the right to get upset and angry.