My boyfriend hit me for the first time?

[Anonymous]

We were arguing about me asking him during a long time if he could do the dishes.. i got really mad, because all this time we were arguing he wouldn't stop playing videogame.. then i took his joystick and threw it at the floor. He went crazy and his fisrt reaction was to kick me, right on my left leg. He immediately seemed regretful and i startws crying and went to our room, and after a while he came and sort of apologized" by saying things like "see what you make me do?" and i got sad seeing how he was being quite a child. (i now what i did was not right)
During our entire relationship he always said he would never punch me or hit me, and promised to not be like his father and brother, two wife-beaters. I honestly think he's different... He's really a sweet, good person. But it got me worrying about either he's ever gonna do it again or not (We had a conv and he really apologized and say he would never ever do it again) Should i trust him or not?

Updates

+1 y

I know we both acted like two immature idiots, and that's an common issue on our relationship.. i didn't hit him, but he wouldn't react if i did it.

[alwayswannanap]

Hmm it sounds like you want to give him a second chance - without knowing too much about the relationship, I'm always a proponent for second chances (only second, definitely no third) However, I think it is important to have a conversation with him to make sure he knows that this is a deal breaker for you and be really assertive.

Another thing is that it sounds like he has some level of aggressive tendency - I know that you think he is different from his father and brother and he may well be. Think about other guys in your life; I know as a matter of my fact most of guys I know would not even go close to hit their girlfriends. It is so out of their comfort zone and so not them that it's never an option to them. Whereas with your boyfriend, I bet he tries to be a good person and a good boyfriend. It is important to recognize that his threshold for hitting someone rationally or irrationally is probably lower than an average guy. He would need to put in a conscious effort to make sure to not do this again. It is up to you to assess whether he has the maturity to fully control his behavior and be aware of what he does.

[moistycakes]

"See what you made me do?"
He's blaming you for his actions, like you gave him no choice but to physically lash out.

People learn their behaviours from their parents and close family, so I would say there's a good chance it will happen again or you will be walking on egg shells trying to avoid a tense situation. I say tell him he needs counselling for his anger and you'll give him another shot, but if he refuses say your goodbyes. People in abusive relationships often stay thinking it will get better, and when it doesn't they get trapped and stay out of fear. Keep that in mind. He had no control over his actions and physically hurt you but you broke his property because of anger as well. That's not okay either.

[ALittleBlondeGirl]

That's quite worrisome.. If you manage to upset him in the future, will he hit you again? That's something to think about. He seems like a decent person based on his regret and apology. But, it's obvious he doesn't have to self control to keep himself from hurting you in the heat if the moment. I say, stay away from people with short tempers. Especially VIOLENT people. If he'll hurt you over something mediocre like a game, heaven knows what he'll do when he's REALLY mad. He sounds like the kind of person you need to walk on eggshells with..

If you really love him, then go ahead and give him a second chance. But, you're taking a risk of getting hurt again..

[lexythelou22]

"See what you make me do" is probably a MAJOR red flag. He hit you, and then placed all of the blame on you. Did you taking his controller away hurt him physically? Unless you attacked him an clawed at his fucking eyes or something to get the controller away then he shouldn't have touched you at all. And even if you did do that, he should have just used a simple but effective defense like bear hug or something. He hit you, no ifs ands or buts abut it.

[Kaci101]

Thank you

[ALittleBlondeGirl]

It scares me that 3 men disliked this...

[lexythelou22]

@ALittleBlondeGirl Same here.

[madhatters4]

""see what you make me do?"
that sounds like the classic line of an abuser

that said. i think you did things to provoke him, of course throwing a controller on the floor is never an excuse for violence against ANYONE and his reaction shows that he clearly has a difficult time processing his emotions in a mature fashion.

my personal feeling is that he needs to do something about this. that rise to anger isn't logical and if he gets that angry about a controller he could easily get more angry about things that are truly an issue in the relationship

i don't think you should break up with him. i think you should give him a chance to prove himself but i think that he probably needs to go to counseling for his anger. perhaps you could stand to really reflect on your part in escalating the matter. throwing his personal belongings is not acceptable

[nakedalligator]

People learn behaviour and it's more common for them to repeat it rather than change. Him saying things like "see what you make me do?" proves that he has little control over himself and will blame others for his actions rather than taking responsibility.

I think it's far more likely he would do it again, so it really depends how much of your safety you're worried about. Once he hit's you once and you don't leave him it's more common for it to give the message that he can do that and get away with it. I would think it's best to leave, as most mature functional people would never hit their girlfriend.

[BreatheMe19]

This x1000000

[ThisAndThat]

100% agree to this.

[Disman]

Have you ever hit him before? Most often in a relationship it is not a single person that is "the hitter" but men do hit harder so it is considered more serious by most. If so then I would suggest you both need to change your behavior, if not then I would say that really depends. Sometimes people really do one off stupid stuff, if he is really not the hitting type and you just REALLY pushed him over the edge it could honestly have been a one time thing. However patterns can be established so be mindful of any future "excuses".

[Alwaysthere85]

Ok, so it was totally wrong of you to throw his controller. I'm sure you know this. But it was so wrong on so many levels for him to hit. I've never been in a relationship that was abusuve because I don't take crap like that. You shouldn't either. I would never let a man call me names or insults, much less hit me. You should value yourself and leave.

[Anonymous]

Leave him ! A real man never and I mean never hits a woman no matter what she may do. That's wrong on so many levels. If he says see what you made me do.. he's manipulating you into thinking his outburst is your fault which its not. Sure maybe you should have also handled things different also. But there is not one reason that gives him the right to hit you kick you whatever it may be. Take it from a guy whose seem his sister go through the same crap. It tore her apart. If he does it once he will do it again. If I were you I'd get the heck outta dodge..

[RJGraveyTrain]

There shouldn't be a first time period, but you acted in a deplorable way too. You may not have hit him, but you broke his property. That's not mature, that's not okay. You were wrong for that but he was wrong to lash out an hit you. I think you two can work it out, considering he could have done worse, but if these issues continue you either see a counselor or break up.

[Anonymous]

You guys are both immature, childish idiots.

You didn't get your way so your first reaction is to throw his controller on the ground like a brat who can't get her way.
He got his toy throw around so he reacted like a kid and decided to kick you.

Immature and childish.

[Jadeshorteesteel]

Text book stuff Hun, when they do it once and get away with it it becomes the norm... Especially the fact that his 1st reaction was to make it "your fault " I had a ex that did this shit for 3 years and it's never their fault... Lol you deserve better get out before you learn the hard way.

[Vesuvius87]

If you keep staying with bad quality men, you'll going to be unhappy and end up waking up 20+ years later when you've already wasted all your youthful years and by then it's late.

Leave him because if he would react like that for a freaking video game, imagine how is he going to react if the argument is about something serious issues?

[Vesuvius87]

after a while he came and sort of apologized" by saying things like "see what you make me do?"

Even more reason to ditch this loser. No one makes you hit someone. The only reason someone should react with physical force is to stop someone from injuring them or their loved ones aka true self-defense. He reacted in anger and like a child.

[ekc8295]

Wow. This all sounds so toxic. Poor communication, lashing out, breaking things, hitting, blaming. It sounds like me and my ex. One of my biggest regrets was staying in a relationship like that for so long. It's simply not worth it.

[Phoenix98]

Well it was wrong for you to throw his controller but it was also wrong of him to both kick you and focus on his game instead of you, even as a gamer myself my girl always comes first. You were both in the wrong here, I see no reason not to give him another chance though if he is actually sorry.

[Ellarabbaa1]

My mom tells me if a guy kick me even if he's kidding i should leave him because if he did it once and apologized and then you forgiven him he'll do it twice and repeat the same thing then regret till when? I know a girl that was hit by her boyfriend, the first time he did it he cried on her lap, she forgave him, second time thing till he started to beat the fuck out of her anw she's now happy with a guy that respect and know her value soo you deserve someone better

[Chief16]

Well, I can relate with you. Give him a chance. But make sure he NEVER gets physical with you ever again. Make it absolutely clear that its intolerable and inhumane. Guys who beat women are scum. I hope that this was a one time only thing.

[lumos]

If it's that intolerable and inhumane, she should leave after the first kick. Not wait around for the possibility of a second kick.

[Chief16]

@lumos if only things were so simple.

[lumos]

It is that simple. If they can cross the line once, then doing it twice will be easy peasy. And considering that the men in this guy's family are all wife beaters, it's not exactly shocking if he takes that road too. Why should she have to live in fear of getting hit a second time when she can just move on and find someone else?

[Chief16]

@lumos I'm inclined to agree with you, but consider this, wife beaters, women beaters have the same thing in common. They look for the smallest stimuli to unload. But judging from what she said, it felt more like it was reflexive. Don't get me wrong, I am not gonna lift a finger to defend the guy. It does look like he has self control issues. But that doesn't mean he does not deserve another chance. Everyone deserves a second chance unless the act is very damning. Were it to happen again I believe our girl won't think twice about what to do.

[lumos]

The fact that it was "reflexive" makes it even worse, who knows what amount of therapy and anger management classes he needs to take before getting rid of that. I don't think anyone who uses violence in a relationship (or friendship, or within the family) deserves a second chance. There are no excuses and everyone should have absolutely no tolerance for this bullshit. This is how you get hurt. What if next time he hits her, he doesn't actually do it only once, but what if he beats the shit out of her? Sends her to the ER? Would that REALLY be worth it? I don't think so. Waiting around to find out is a stupid idea.

[Chief16]

@lumos you're know, you're really starting to grow on me. I guess you really want to hunt down all those big bad men beating and mishandling their women. But here some very important things are missing. For example, how long has this relationship been? Was this guy himself physically abused as a child? Has he had these kind of outbreaks before? Sure. He hit her. And its inexcusable, and he should've said straight out that it was his bad, than saying that she made him do it. Shows unwillingness to accept responsibility. But really thumping it upto the point where he's gonna drag her to the ER. Let's reserve judgment from how much we know. Be fair. From what she's told us, all we can establish is that he lost his temper and did something he definitely should not do. She also adds he's sweet and caring. Other than what she's told us. I cannot really tell her to just break the guy on spot. I feel like she genuinely wants to give him another chance. And I'm backing her. That's all.

[lumos]

I would love to hunt down any person who hits their partner. Man, woman or non-binary. To me, their background doesn't matter. How other people have treated them doesn't matter. Their culture, race, ethnicity, whatever, none of those things matter. If you physically hurt your partner then you do NOT deserve them. End of. And it's not completely unheard of that someone goes from one hit to beating the shit out of their partner. It's more common than you think. Usually these things tend to escalate VERY quickly, because once that line is crossed, it basically disappears. There's no line or no rules anymore. Especially if the one who got hit was forgiving.
Lots of abusive, manipulative people are categorized as "charming, sweet, intelligent" etc. Doesn't actually mean shit. A guy could seem like the most sweet guy in the world, but when it boils down to it, he's a little shit who hits his partner. Hitting your partner and being sweet don't go hand in hand.

[Chief16]

@lumos Since you're making universal note here. Would you hunt down those bullies who simply beat the weaker way down in school? A stronger child bullying a weaker one. A drunk father beating his children because his wife wasn't enough? I admit your anger here. Would you also not agree that if she were to leave him, his behavior could possibly aggrevate. Leading him to do just more than a kick? You must feel he deserves punishment, you are certainly right. I feel a genuine warning from her part should really test him. She has seen a side of him that she will not forget and if he has any sincerity, he will know that he hurt his partner and that should haunt him. For his own part, he will pay the price. If not. She will leave him. Put yourself in her shoes, and genuinely imagine that you were in love in the person and the same scenario she mentioned follows out. What would you do? I admit that she's at risk. But its also possible, what she does right now can genuinely change him.

[lumos]

My mom got hit by one of her boyfriends once. She walked out the door and never looked back. I would do the same. Why should I have to settle for less when I can walk out the door and find a guy who would never even hit me in the first place? It's not her job to "change" him. She has every right to not put up with that shit and to find someone who truly respects her and takes responsibility for his own actions. I would not settle for some asshole who, in the heat of the moment, thinks it's a good idea to kick me. Even if I loved him, that's shit I'm not going to tolerate at all. No second chances. Giving a second chance to someone like that is like giving them a free pass to do it again. "Hey honey I'm actually ok with you hitting me so like whatevs, I'm just gonna stay with you anyway because I have no self-respect".

[Chief16]

@lumos Ok, I get you. But we do know how much this guy means to her. If you want to be absolutely unforgiving, an eye for an eye way. Then also reconsider how this started. The lady admits she was the one who threw the controller first. We aren't looking for just the punishment here. Its Crime and Punishment. I ignore the girls mistake. Its minor compared to how he reacts. I never said she needs to accept what he did. I want her to be very clear that she will not tolerate that kind of physicality from him. There is no perfect guy, and this is just a coarse reflection. Sometimes, you just get the bare bones and you go with it. If she's willing to give him a chance and go with it. She's the bigger person. If she wants to leave, nobody's gonna blame her. Either way she gets to make the decision. Not him. Also, having an overwhelming hatred for the guy does cloud the judgment. I'm just asking for a fair view. Ultimately, she's the one who makes the choice.

[lumos]

An eye for an eye? Throwing a controller is hardly the same as kicking someone. And if she didn't tolerate that kind of reaction from him, she would leave. No, nobody is perfect, but there are men out there far better than this guy. Who actually keep their word of not abusing someone. She's also the bigger person if she leaves because then she has realized that she deserves better and is not obligated to stay with someone who was violent towards her because "everyone deserves a second chance". I don't think everyone deserves a second chance. Wife beater or partner abusers especially. If you hit them, it should be over. I don't see why you try to make it like she's some holy angel who should grace him with a second chance so that he suddenly can find peace within himself. No. She was immature yes but she deserves better than getting hit.

[Chief16]

@lumos Sigh. Look kid. I'm no stranger to wife beaters or abusers for that matter. Even if you feel so strongly against them. Ending a relationship has severe repercussions. True she didn't have to put up with it. Then again, there are also girls who jel themselves to abusive relationships. I can vouch for a second chance, because I've been through the same. But I didn't have a choice. But she does. And from whatever she's saying its highly likely she isn't gonna leave. Do you know how beaters hit? They spot the vulnerable spots. Straight on. And it doesn't stop there, they repeatedly beat you where it hurts. She got a kick on the left leg. Heaven knows if that's enough to qualify that guy as a beater. I'm not saying he can't be one. But I personally feel like he won't. He has self control issues, yeah. But I know beaters, they just need a trigger, and very often they trigger themselves for no apparent reason.

[lumos]

Kid? I'm barely two years younger than you, no need to tell me that. Ending the relationship would be to her benefit. She most likely wouldn't get severe trust issues. She wouldn't have to walk on egg shells in order to avoid another argument or getting hit/kicked again. She especially wouldn't be afraid of arguing or arguments in general. Even though she seemed fine when posting this and made it seem like some sweet guy who just made a mistake, that might not be how she feels in just a few days or maybe a couple of weeks. Once this memory really settles in, she'll most likely feel this constant small fear of him. In my opinion that's not worth it, when she could spend this time getting over the relationship instead. What if she gets hit again? Would you say it was worth it?

[lumos]

And especially considering that he refused to take responsibility for his actions, I really doubt this guy will want to change or take serious action (anger management counselling) anytime soon. He'll probably try to brush it off and tell her that she needs to trust him.

[Chief16]

@lumos You have a very dynamic overlook. Especially considering that there's almost no evidence other than the fact he kicked her left leg. That bit his brother and father being wife beaters, does not make him one. Other than those two there isn't a whole lot you can point out. Why the heck does she have to walk on egg shells? That's just borderline paranoid. If she'd said something like that he hit her and that left a bruise or he had hit above the waist. That'd be a problem, yes. I'm not claiming to be an expert or something but I know a thing or two about physical abuse. If she's really so concerned about him doing it again. She should leave. However that does not establish he's some wife beater. It must be oh so comfortable, to just write him off as a lost cause. I'm sorry if I think people can change for the better. I know a few personally who've done much worse and found it in themselves to change sincerely. This guy could adjust his personality with a few changes.

[lumos]

"- A battering incident is rarely an isolated event.
- Battering tends to increase and become more violent over time.
- Many batterers learned violent behavior growing up in an abusive family.
- Boys who witness domestic violence are twice as likely to abuse their own partners and children when they become adults. (Strauss, Gelles, and Smith, “Physical Violence in American Families: Risk Factors and Adaptations to Violence” in 8,145 Families. Transaction Publishers 1990)"
The fact that both his dad and his brother abuse their partners means EVERYTHING. Not wanting to be hit again when you've already been hit once, and wanting to avoid conflict because of it, is not paranoid at all. It's normal. In fact, it's very smart, considering how often people continue being violent once they've crossed the line. I'm not writing him off as a lost cause. I believe he can change. However, I don't believe SHE is obligated to sit and wait for him to change, while maybe having to suffer through another

[lumos]

hit or two while he tries to learn how to control his anger. It's not her responsibility to give him another chance, to take the "moral high ground" and to sit this out while potentially facing fear and trust issues on the way. He can change all he wants. I just don't think it's her job to wait for him to do it. Especially considering his reluctance towards wanting to take responsibility in the first place.

[Chief16]

@lumos So passive aggressive. Can't believe you'd even pile up info for me. Let's take this somewhere else. We're cluttering.

[lumos]

How am I being passive aggressive when I'm just showing you facts? You're the one who called me a "kid".

[Chief16]

@lumos Yes, you don't seem like you'll let it go. Hence.

[lumos]

Because you keep defending the guy and wanting her to stay, when she reeally shouldn't.

[Chief16]

@lumos Christ... I'm not defending him. How is saying give him another chance defending him? Defending him would be if I chastised her. It also is pretty clear she also feels it was worth giving him another chance. When she's made up her mind. Why dissuade her? Its called burying the hatchet. However if he unfortunately turns out to be real goon. She tried. That's the thing. She didn't let go of him. She'll never have to look back at leaving him. That's the entire point.

[lumos]

You're defending him by claiming that he's worth a second chance despite being violent with her. And if she waits around to get hit again, she'll just get hurt again. Which would be a stupid idea considering that now is the perfect time to leave and not look back. Why want to look back at someone who was violent with you? Come on dude. It's common sense.

[Chief16]

@lumos sigh. We've been at it for three days now. Lady, do you have a boyfriend?

[lumos]

One day. And what does my relationship status have to do with this? Would you go some "if your boyfriend did this you wouldn't leave" or "you don't even have a boyfriend so what do you know" route? Don't even.

[Chief16]

@lumos ah... No no no. Don't get me wrong. I understand you a lot better now. I'm sorry, no offense intended. Why don't we settle this by asking what the girl wants?

[lumos]

Considering that she's very inactive, I doubt she'll ever tell us what she decided to do or what she feels now.

[Chief16]

@lumos looks like we've hit an impasse then.

[restore]

He didn't mean it of course when he kicked you... And neither did you when you threw his controller. Sometimes we just lose control of our actions, it happens all the time. There is no need to doubt whether you should trust him or not.

[Paperpnw]

Sounds quite childish... Speak to him about prioritizing and getting his shit together. But yea. Next time you're mad it's probably not best to start throwing shit everywhere.

[BeautifulWreck]

Yes he will do it again! Want to know the warning sign? He blamed you instead of accepting responsibility for what he'd done.

[msAlovescookies]

It's your choice, but I would leave him right there, right now. After I hurt him.

[Anonymous]

No. you acted like an adult. he acted like a spoiled child. leave him. he's NOT sweet. that's just how you see him because you're in love with him. no different then when a girl is dating a drug addict and seller. she makes excuses for him because she loves him. love does not equal a good relationship. he's not mature to get mad over something like that. leave him now while you're young and find a REAL good man.

[the_rake]

I think some people are overreacting considering he didn't seriously hurt you. but yeah, "see what you make me do" is total bullshit. I say stick with him as long as he doesn't do it another time. but no second or third chances.

[lumos]

No, you should not trust him. Once is enough and his initial reaction was to blame you for it and not take responsibility. Leave.

[kingoficeolation]

Get out of there. That isn't even an apology, he's BLAMING you! He said he'd never do it, well, he's done it! And don't believe him if he says it won't happen again because IT WILL.

[mutedaisy]

... You two are bad for each other. You don't respect his personal belongings and he doesn't respect you.