At the age of 18, I thought I would know what love is or at least have an idea of what love is but I was wrong. I don’t even know what love is nor have an idea about it because I don’t think I am even capable of loving someone. You know the kind of love you can never get over?
I met this boy one long summer ago and damn, I fell over mountains for him. He completely changed my idea of love. He made me feel things I couldn’t explain and every moment with him was an adventure I couldn’t wait to tell. Every breath I took, he took it away with a kiss. Never have I ever felt so in love with someone so great. Those memories are still worth remembering because that was when I loved him the most. Loved, past tense. I don’t believe I am in love with him anymore but he is always on my mind. Good and bad, he is somehow glued to my brain. Yes, you can say he was my first love and yes, I really thought I would have a future with him but deep down I knew I loved him more than he loved me. It never really crossed my mind that he would hurt me because I knew he wouldn’t. I was wrong. He shot me point blank to the chest. I can’t lie it didn’t hurt because it obviously did but what can I do. Shots been fired and I am here lying on the floor clueless of what is going on. I can’t change what happened between me and him but I hope I can eventually find myself again and learn to love myself first. Next time, I know to not put my happiness in someone else hand because there was never a good outcome. To answer the question, Am I in love with you or am I in love with the idea of being in love with you is that yes, I loved you and I loved every single idea of loving you but I love myself more than you. I should love myself more than I ever loved you because you were never able to love me the way I wanted. Sorry, it took me so long to realize that you never loved me but thank you so much for showing me that I am capable of loving someone, even if it is not you.