Can it be true when guys want to focus on their career/life/ and think relationships will distract them?

I recently got dumped by a guy who said to me he can't afford to have a relationship at this cross road of his life. And I deserve more commitment which he can't give. He has been a very good date.. treated me very nicely and he invested a lot of time on me. So I can't help but wonder is this merely an excuse (I got played. He actually lost interest) or he is honest?
Updates:
a little bit update on the situation... I told him that he simply is just not interested anymore. But basically he said that he didn't expect to like me this much and when I'm around he can't focus on his own problems..
I got dumped because he likes me TOO MUCH? Tomorrow he's gonna return my stuff to me and he said we will chat then.. any idea what I should say to him? I mean.. should I try to get him back?

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Most Helpful Guy

  • I'd like to offer a different opinion about this.

    Its indeed true that some guys (and women too) feel that sometimes a relationship may be more of a distraction than an asset, when they're focusing on their career. I too feel the same way. That's the reason I haven't dated anyone in the past 4 years, after my previous relationship ended. I'm almost 28 now, but I'm not in a hurry to date because like your ex said, I'm not in a position to invest even the minimum time and dedication required to sustain a relationship.

    But you see, what this guy did was wrong because he was already dating you when he supposedly felt that he wasn't ready for a relationship. Human emotions aren't something anyone should play with. If he wanted to focus on his career and he felt that a relationship would be a distraction, he should have thought of that BEFORE he started dating you. Even if he felt that later, he should have told you about his concern, and left the final decision to you about staying or leaving (because even if he indeed wants to focus on his career, it would affect YOU more than him). The fact that he didn't do this, makes it fairly certain that he just wasn't interested in you, and used this 'career' excuse to get out of the relationship without hurting you emotionally.

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    • I too thought "why did you ask me out if you can't date". He told me because he wasn't looking for a gf when he met me and he never think he would like me this much.. and when feelings start to grow he needs to end it while it's early cuz he" can't cloud his life anymore". and he "wanted to stay true to his heart but he gave up"..

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    • the second one sounds likely. at this stage he can't commit due to his career and money situation.
      honestly i don't really know what i'm looking for asking all these questions.. seems he wants a clean cut from me. and that probably means he isn't slightly interested anymore..

    • I too felt that the second reason would be the best fit in your situation. Still, men who have this 'commitment-phobia' just look for excuses to avoid relationships. Its not due to his career, it just a reason he is giving to 'escape' from an inevitable relationships.
      These type of guys usually have the same need to love and be loved, like other men. But they get consumed my fear if they have to commit. This is usually a psychological issue, which often requires professional help to be rectified.
      If he wants a clean cut from you, I don't suppose there's anything much you can do. Rather than him not being interested, he just seems to be scared of commitment. And unless he puts in efforts to overcome this or seeks professional help, he is pretty much doomed to do the same with every woman he dates.

Most Helpful Girl

  • I'm exactly in the same situation as yours. He didn't date anyone for so long after the breakup with his first love in 2012. We met and dated in 2016 and our relationship lasted over a year. Since we started dating he said he didn't want a serious one but he couldn't resist himself to date me and yeah we had a lot of fun. He's a good man but he cared me less as time went on as we have to focus more on career. He wanted me to leave him and find someone with commitment which he couldn't give at the moment. But these words hurt me and I didn't find one coz I only love him. But eventually he told me that he no longer wants to date me as some arguments broke out. He would always say he doesn't want to quarrel with me as it is time-consuming for him. But he really likes me and he wanna marry me if I could wait for him for a couple of years. However he doesn't believe I could wait that long and now it's been about 3 weeks since we broke up. He doesn't contact me till now. What about you in your case? Did he contact you after breakup?

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What Guys Said 10

  • it's a convenient excuse for a player. You can always say any time in life is a crossroads, right?

    I'm sorry, but my bet would be that he is playing you, dating others at the same time, or recently started seeing someone else.

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    • maybe I should put a little more detail... the current situation is that he is working full time and studying a degree part time and he will move to another city (2 hours drive) for his job.

      Is it because he found someone else? According to him no. and a week ago he told me some girls are after him but he rejected them cuz he wants to be with me..

      I do want to believe him... but why would you stop seeing someone if you really like her..
      ah.. im really disappointed..

    • People are usually busy. Later, with kids and family, even busier. He could make time for you if he wanted. In fact, at a 'crossroads' you need someone intimate!

      He has maybe just lost interest, or has his eye on someone else and wants to devote his limited time and energy to HER...

  • Well there's a girl who did have feelings for me but told me "I'm sorry, I don't do relationships, it's not one of those stop-talking things, I am just am the busiest I've ever been" She has 32 animals, 2 jobs, remodeling her house, and is college-bound, and we normally go
    a few days before talking again, so it can be sincere and it CAN be a blowoff as an excuse, the only way to know for sure is to ask in person

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  • Yes it has happened to me before. If I'm too busy focusing on bettering my career prospects and quality of life, I'm usually so busy that I cannot maintain a relationship, so I remain single.

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  • It definitely was the truth. He came straight out and told you which means it was the truth. If you had "been played" then he would not of gave you a reason, he would of just left you. So in turn it was not you. It's just a bad time for him.

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  • I think it can be sincere and it can just as easily be an excuse, it depends on the guy I guess. Is he going to college or something?

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    • yeah... he's working full time and studying a degree part time.. and he is moving to another city (2 hours drive) in a month...

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    • he made up his mind to let me go.. wouldn't it push him away if i fight for him back?

    • It's going to push him away for certain if you don't, so I'd take the chance.

  • Yeah your guy either sounds like an idiot or that he played you. Don't try to get him back, why shoul you? I mean why be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? As for the initial question, the answer is a very simple No. Unless I just started my own business and I'm working 16 hours a day to get it off the ground or I'm working full time and going to school full time, there's always time for the right relationship, anyone who says likewise is either lying or too incompetent to handle both.

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    • HMM... he is actually working and studying... and moving away...

    • that doesn't matter. If you really were someone he was crazy about he'd find a way to make it work. He'd at least give you the option of waiting. But he didn't. Not to mention the whole logic of I like you too much so I'm just gonna walk away is absurd. Unless there's no possible way to be with that person...

    • yeah.. he asked me to wait before. actually it was last week. he said he wants a relationship and if only i could give him sometime.. and i said yes. However he changed his mind..
      he is an idiot.

  • Relationships are a huge distraction from education and career minded folks. Even just people trying to pick up the pieces of their broken lives.

    It can be a very valid reason to call it quites in a relationship. It sounds to me like he was probably sincere about it since he seemed to treat you very well.

    I think you both deserve to get what you need out of life. This may be the best thing for both as you can focus on getting what matters most to you. Not only they but spare yourselves the pain of needs not being met.

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    • agh... i never complained about my needs not being met.. he just assumed so...

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    • He did always mention his job and study (like every 15 mins) . I believe he is stressed about it... but he never said he needed to stop seeing me.. we sort of planing on long distance. but apparently he made up his mind totally differently

    • That's very unfortunate how things turned out. Sounded like things were very well and you were happy. I honestly feel sad for you after reading that, like I can feel some of your pain and heartache...

      I'm familiar with the stress of career, school, social life, and love all together. It can be overwhelming. I'm thinking (and hoping) this was solely genuine. Sounds like it would be. Its tough not getting proper closure but I hope things turn around for you

  • Yep, i'm in that situation.
    Get dat career, women come after.

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  • nothing can be more important to me than a girlfriend, but when a guy says something like that you have to reassure him you still want him and fight for him, to a point tho

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  • I was in a growing relationship a couple years ago where I was working full-time and taking night classes, and I was bogged down a lot at the time with other miscellaneous things. I told her that I could not continue the relationship because I wanted to focus on my career and education. I spoke the truth.

    I've used the excuse that my career and education are important more important to me than a relationship, for a very long time. I used that as a reason to stay out of relationships. I only recently found a girl that took an interest in me, and me in her, and I decided that I would try to make time for her. I've been successful so far.
    He may be a player. He may have lost interest. But there are men out there who do use it as a justifiable excuse.

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    • so... between those girls you rejected the the girl you are with now, do you think it's more of a timing problem or it's the girls problem?

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    • I forgot to add that I would also like to see how I would grow and develop from this relationship.

    • I told him that he simply is just not interested anymore. But basically he said that he didn't expect to like me this much and when I'm around he can't focus on his own problems.. like his thoughts are everywhere and he feels he's about to make some wrong decisions..
      honestly I'm speechless. I got dumped because he likes me TOO MUCH? Tomorrow he's gonna return my stuff to me and he said we will chat then.. any idea what I should say to him? I mean.. should I try to get him back?

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