Can it be true when guys want to focus on their career/life/ and think relationships will distract them?

[H0000]

I recently got dumped by a guy who said to me he can't afford to have a relationship at this cross road of his life. And I deserve more commitment which he can't give. He has been a very good date.. treated me very nicely and he invested a lot of time on me. So I can't help but wonder is this merely an excuse (I got played. He actually lost interest) or he is honest?

Updates

+1 y

a little bit update on the situation... I told him that he simply is just not interested anymore. But basically he said that he didn't expect to like me this much and when I'm around he can't focus on his own problems..

Updates

+1 y

I got dumped because he likes me TOO MUCH? Tomorrow he's gonna return my stuff to me and he said we will chat then.. any idea what I should say to him? I mean.. should I try to get him back?

[aficionado]

I'd like to offer a different opinion about this.

Its indeed true that some guys (and women too) feel that sometimes a relationship may be more of a distraction than an asset, when they're focusing on their career. I too feel the same way. That's the reason I haven't dated anyone in the past 4 years, after my previous relationship ended. I'm almost 28 now, but I'm not in a hurry to date because like your ex said, I'm not in a position to invest even the minimum time and dedication required to sustain a relationship.

But you see, what this guy did was wrong because he was already dating you when he supposedly felt that he wasn't ready for a relationship. Human emotions aren't something anyone should play with. If he wanted to focus on his career and he felt that a relationship would be a distraction, he should have thought of that BEFORE he started dating you. Even if he felt that later, he should have told you about his concern, and left the final decision to you about staying or leaving (because even if he indeed wants to focus on his career, it would affect YOU more than him). The fact that he didn't do this, makes it fairly certain that he just wasn't interested in you, and used this 'career' excuse to get out of the relationship without hurting you emotionally.

[H0000]

I too thought "why did you ask me out if you can't date". He told me because he wasn't looking for a gf when he met me and he never think he would like me this much.. and when feelings start to grow he needs to end it while it's early cuz he" can't cloud his life anymore". and he "wanted to stay true to his heart but he gave up"..

[aficionado]

All that is pure bull, if you ask me. Even if he wanted to focus on his career, and if you were ok with it, you could have actually been his pillar of support and encouraged him to succeed. In any case, like I said previously, what would he have lost if he just told you about his concerns and left the final decision to you? If anyone would have problems with this, it would be YOU and not him. All this looks too shady, and I'm quite certain that he just wasn't interested in going further with you. The 'focus on career' part may be the truth, but that's not even close to a valid reason for letting go of someone who already likes him so much.

At least he TRIED to get rid of you in a nice way, unlike most other guys who just dump girls bluntly and get it over with.

[H0000]

any guess on why he's not interested in going further with me? I didn't get any signs.. I mean a week ago he was telling me he wanted to be my bf and wanted a relationship with me.. two days ago he told me he" really fu*king likes me" .. and hour ago we were having lunch together.. geez.. i cannot see that coming..

[aficionado]

There could be several reasons for that.
Firstly, there is a chance that he was actually seeing two women (including you) and wasn't getting positive responses from the other one, so he was all lovey dovey with you. Now if she started giving positive signs and he liked her more than you, what he did would be the obvious thing. But I think this possibility is a bit unlikely.
Secondly, a lot of guys are afraid of commitment. Its like they're all romantic when they're dating, but for some reason they chicken out if they have to get into a relationship. They're not 'bad' guys, but something about commitment really freaks them out so they back out when they realize that its only a matter of time before their date becomes a relationship.
Finally, he may just be insecure. Most men tend to be REALLY insecure if they feel that the woman they're dating is better than them in some way, for the fear that she may dump them if tshe finds someone who is 'right up there' with her.

[H0000]

the second one sounds likely. at this stage he can't commit due to his career and money situation.
honestly i don't really know what i'm looking for asking all these questions.. seems he wants a clean cut from me. and that probably means he isn't slightly interested anymore..

[aficionado]

I too felt that the second reason would be the best fit in your situation. Still, men who have this 'commitment-phobia' just look for excuses to avoid relationships. Its not due to his career, it just a reason he is giving to 'escape' from an inevitable relationships.
These type of guys usually have the same need to love and be loved, like other men. But they get consumed my fear if they have to commit. This is usually a psychological issue, which often requires professional help to be rectified.
If he wants a clean cut from you, I don't suppose there's anything much you can do. Rather than him not being interested, he just seems to be scared of commitment. And unless he puts in efforts to overcome this or seeks professional help, he is pretty much doomed to do the same with every woman he dates.

[Imonlyhereforabit]

Yeah your guy either sounds like an idiot or that he played you. Don't try to get him back, why shoul you? I mean why be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? As for the initial question, the answer is a very simple No. Unless I just started my own business and I'm working 16 hours a day to get it off the ground or I'm working full time and going to school full time, there's always time for the right relationship, anyone who says likewise is either lying or too incompetent to handle both.

[H0000]

HMM... he is actually working and studying... and moving away...

[Imonlyhereforabit]

that doesn't matter. If you really were someone he was crazy about he'd find a way to make it work. He'd at least give you the option of waiting. But he didn't. Not to mention the whole logic of I like you too much so I'm just gonna walk away is absurd. Unless there's no possible way to be with that person...

[H0000]

yeah.. he asked me to wait before. actually it was last week. he said he wants a relationship and if only i could give him sometime.. and i said yes. However he changed his mind..
he is an idiot.

[Hannachan]

I'm exactly in the same situation as yours. He didn't date anyone for so long after the breakup with his first love in 2012. We met and dated in 2016 and our relationship lasted over a year. Since we started dating he said he didn't want a serious one but he couldn't resist himself to date me and yeah we had a lot of fun. He's a good man but he cared me less as time went on as we have to focus more on career. He wanted me to leave him and find someone with commitment which he couldn't give at the moment. But these words hurt me and I didn't find one coz I only love him. But eventually he told me that he no longer wants to date me as some arguments broke out. He would always say he doesn't want to quarrel with me as it is time-consuming for him. But he really likes me and he wanna marry me if I could wait for him for a couple of years. However he doesn't believe I could wait that long and now it's been about 3 weeks since we broke up. He doesn't contact me till now. What about you in your case? Did he contact you after breakup?

[CleoNicole]

I went through the exact same thing 2 weeks ago. And just found out he's dating someone else now. Oh well i guess his loss.

[icantwait]

Relationships are a huge distraction from education and career minded folks. Even just people trying to pick up the pieces of their broken lives.

It can be a very valid reason to call it quites in a relationship. It sounds to me like he was probably sincere about it since he seemed to treat you very well.

I think you both deserve to get what you need out of life. This may be the best thing for both as you can focus on getting what matters most to you. Not only they but spare yourselves the pain of needs not being met.

[H0000]

agh... i never complained about my needs not being met.. he just assumed so...

[icantwait]

"And I deserve more commitment which he can't give."

Perhaps this sentence was in error, if so I will re evaluate the situation.

[H0000]

that is what he said..

[icantwait]

Then I would say if the zest of the relationship started to fall. As in sex doesn't seem as passionate, he became distance with you, and seemed distracted when you spent time together this may have been am excuse. Though all those things could have occurred as the result of his priorities being being mixed around.

Aside from that situation I'd say with what you've mentioned sounds like this was genuine

[H0000]

I wish I saw some signs... But he was seeing me almost everyday and definitely calls me everyday and an hour before he broke up with me.. we were swimming together and talking about visiting his family..

[H0000]

He did always mention his job and study (like every 15 mins) . I believe he is stressed about it... but he never said he needed to stop seeing me.. we sort of planing on long distance. but apparently he made up his mind totally differently

[icantwait]

That's very unfortunate how things turned out. Sounded like things were very well and you were happy. I honestly feel sad for you after reading that, like I can feel some of your pain and heartache...

I'm familiar with the stress of career, school, social life, and love all together. It can be overwhelming. I'm thinking (and hoping) this was solely genuine. Sounds like it would be. Its tough not getting proper closure but I hope things turn around for you

[Yeahhh234]

Well there's a girl who did have feelings for me but told me "I'm sorry, I don't do relationships, it's not one of those stop-talking things, I am just am the busiest I've ever been" She has 32 animals, 2 jobs, remodeling her house, and is college-bound, and we normally go
a few days before talking again, so it can be sincere and it CAN be a blowoff as an excuse, the only way to know for sure is to ask in person

[martyfellow]

it's a convenient excuse for a player. You can always say any time in life is a crossroads, right?

I'm sorry, but my bet would be that he is playing you, dating others at the same time, or recently started seeing someone else.

[H0000]

maybe I should put a little more detail... the current situation is that he is working full time and studying a degree part time and he will move to another city (2 hours drive) for his job.

Is it because he found someone else? According to him no. and a week ago he told me some girls are after him but he rejected them cuz he wants to be with me..

I do want to believe him... but why would you stop seeing someone if you really like her..
ah.. im really disappointed..

[martyfellow]

People are usually busy. Later, with kids and family, even busier. He could make time for you if he wanted. In fact, at a 'crossroads' you need someone intimate!

He has maybe just lost interest, or has his eye on someone else and wants to devote his limited time and energy to HER...

[Anonymous]

I was in a growing relationship a couple years ago where I was working full-time and taking night classes, and I was bogged down a lot at the time with other miscellaneous things. I told her that I could not continue the relationship because I wanted to focus on my career and education. I spoke the truth.

I've used the excuse that my career and education are important more important to me than a relationship, for a very long time. I used that as a reason to stay out of relationships. I only recently found a girl that took an interest in me, and me in her, and I decided that I would try to make time for her. I've been successful so far.
He may be a player. He may have lost interest. But there are men out there who do use it as a justifiable excuse.

[H0000]

so... between those girls you rejected the the girl you are with now, do you think it's more of a timing problem or it's the girls problem?

[H0000]

and what makes you want to try with this girl and not those ones? cuz your life and work is more stable now or cuz you just like her more?

[Yeahhh234]

Timing

[Opinion Owner]

I've come to realize that I can try to make time. I used to be, and kind of can still be, a little of a workaholic. If not a workaholic, than someone who has no issues with sacrificing self and time to get work done. I'm in the military though, so it isn't just to give profit to my company.
I'm getting to a stage in my life (I'm almost in my mid-20s) where I'm starting to want to settle down (although I don't like to admit it to myself) with a good girl. This girl I met evoked some strong emotional reactions, and she is similar to me in some ways. I decided I would be an idiot to let her go without seeing what she and I could become.

[Opinion Owner]

I forgot to add that I would also like to see how I would grow and develop from this relationship.

[H0000]

I told him that he simply is just not interested anymore. But basically he said that he didn't expect to like me this much and when I'm around he can't focus on his own problems.. like his thoughts are everywhere and he feels he's about to make some wrong decisions..
honestly I'm speechless. I got dumped because he likes me TOO MUCH? Tomorrow he's gonna return my stuff to me and he said we will chat then.. any idea what I should say to him? I mean.. should I try to get him back?

[CypherV]

Yes it has happened to me before. If I'm too busy focusing on bettering my career prospects and quality of life, I'm usually so busy that I cannot maintain a relationship, so I remain single.

[Rail2k]

I think it can be sincere and it can just as easily be an excuse, it depends on the guy I guess. Is he going to college or something?

[H0000]

yeah... he's working full time and studying a degree part time.. and he is moving to another city (2 hours drive) in a month...

[Rail2k]

Yea that's a serious commitment that would take up a lot of your time, I think he might be honest about it -- especially if you think he has good character. If you're willing to deal with him not having as much time for you then tell him that, if anything you'll probably help him a lot with stress while he's going through all of that. This is a bad way to lose a guy if you really care about him, I'd be pretty forceful with having a relationship with him in this case.

[H0000]

he said i deserve more and he really wants me to be happy and he" wants to stay true to his heart but he gave up". and sorry to disappoint him. I told him am willing to deal with it, at least im willing to try. and i'm disappointed at his decision but i respect that.
so doesn't sound like he wants me to help him with his stress...

[Rail2k]

Tell him that you'll only be happy with him and that you only want him. You might have to fight for this one, and not really respect his decision. Unless you're okay with letting him go of course.

[H0000]

he made up his mind to let me go.. wouldn't it push him away if i fight for him back?

[Rail2k]

It's going to push him away for certain if you don't, so I'd take the chance.

[Anonymous]

nothing can be more important to me than a girlfriend, but when a guy says something like that you have to reassure him you still want him and fight for him, to a point tho

[Girllzz]

Hello! I’m in the exaaaaact situation, he abandoned me because he has too much pressure with his phd and he is a little bit unavailable emotionally as he said in order to give me his 100%. After one year, can you give us an update for your situation?

[Psiconic1]

It definitely was the truth. He came straight out and told you which means it was the truth. If you had "been played" then he would not of gave you a reason, he would of just left you. So in turn it was not you. It's just a bad time for him.

[PleaselllBeNiceNat]

Yep, i'm in that situation.
Get dat career, women come after.

[Anonymous]

Simple way to know if you got played: did you fuck him?