Why do guys act interested in real life, but distant when not together?

[Anonymous]

I have been seeing this guy and off for 3 months.. when we hang out, I either stay at his all weekend and then last time i saw him he invited me to his friends house party. I got along with his friends really well, one of his friends invited me to his wedding? This guy and I haven’t even had a discussion of what we arez
Although, when ever I ask him to hang out, he doesn’t give me an answer. It’s like I have to work around him! Is he just using me for sex? Why does it feel like he’s only available when he wants! I also hardly hear from him when we aren’t together. i can’t comprehend what he is feeling or doing to me, I am so confused because when we are together, he acts like my boyfriend. He even said I should move in with him!(wasn’t sure if he was being serious or not as we have only been sleeping together for 3 months) Help. Do I drop this guy?

[HollyK21]

Talk to him, and I can’t stress that enough. The last thing you want with a potential partner is to not feel like you can ask questions and express yourself for whatever your reason is. Because if you can’t talk about the small things, then you won’t be able to talk about the big ones and you don’t want to spend your relationship being silent, tiptoeing around things that bother you and basically trying to be “unproblematic” as not to lose him. You are worth him being afraid of losing too, so be fearless and have a real talk before making any drastic decisions. Remember this is the guy you want a relationship with, so things that bother you need to matter to him. If his answer isn’t want you want then yeah it would be shitty, but at least then you can make your next move knowing exactly what you’re dealing with and not all of this speculation.

[Asker]

Thanks. I agree with what you’re saying, but I feel like if he’s rejecting me when I’m asking him to hang out, that it’s pretty clear he’s only interested in me when it’s. Convenient for him? And maybe guys think we are clingy if we say this to them.. I want someone to chase me like I chase them. Or does this not happen? Haha
I just wanna know why he’s being so distant when we aren’t together but so into me when we are together.

[HollyK21]

I totally get where you’re coming from, because I used to approach dating that way. It wasn’t until I started dating with intention that I saw the real change, and met the guy I’ve been with for a while now and he’s the best guy I’ve ever dated. The trick here is to know your worth, reset your standards and do not accept any man below that. When you value yourself, and your time, then you stop allowing men like this guy to waste it. You say you worry about looking clingy, but ask yourself, when did you get to the point in your life that asking for clarity is clingy? When did this fear come to light and why do I feed into it? Based on what you’ve said, this guy isn’t much of a prize, but if you’ve been through a lot of hurt in the past, disappointments or just really really want this to work, then you’ll find yourself lowering your standards to accommodate his bs and that’s where you should mentally put your foot down.

[HollyK21]

On top of that, let’s say that you’re right, and if he rejects you then it’ll show that he’s only interested when it’s convenient — wouldn’t you want to know that for sure? Because you’re afraid to look clingy, you don’t want to basically ask “where do we stand? What are you looking for with me?”, but like I said there’s nothing clingy about clarity. You aren’t demanding a relationship, time, etc, but asking what his intentions are, so that if they don’t align with yours then you can stop investing time into that guy. If he’s just looking to get laid, or to get boyfriend privileges from you without committing then he is all wrong. After my last ‘situationship’, I spoke with my friend who’s a dating coach and she said to be upfront from the start with a man about asking what he wants. That advice was scary as hell, because my thought process was like yours. But then she asked me what I was so afraid of? Why is making sure you’re dealing with a person who meets your standards scary? And she was very right.

[Asker]

Thankyou so much for your advice. You have really made me look at this situation clearer. I think him rejecting me is enough t to know where I stand. So I’m not going to lower my standards for him when I’m not getting what I want out of it. I’m going to back off from him now going forward.

[HollyK21]

Anytime girly☺️ and I’m glad you’re making that choice. I don't know how strong your feelings are for him or if it’ll be hard for you but if you’ve been through worse, or just disappointed/hurt in general then you know you’ll get through this. Sending you lots of positive energy and if you need anything feel free to reach out☺️

[In_Trance]

I don't know why you've stayed around as long as you have

[Asker]

He’s obviously giving me mixed signals haha