My boyfriend broke up with me because of his parents disapproval. Is this worth saving?

[Anonymous]

Hello all.. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 months. I’ve known him for almost a year and honestly, he is the best boyfriend over ever had. I’m not exaggerating. He treats me with love, respect and kindness. After breaking up with my abusive boyfriend a year ago, I thought I’d never find a good guy and I found him surprisingly. I have been incredibly happy since we got together.

Well, my whole world came crashing down on me.. My boyfriend is Indian and his parents are traditional Indians from India. My boyfriend is very American and he’s Catholic, something his parents took years to accept, but he still has traditions to be apart of..

Last night, my boyfriend finally told his parents he had a girlfriend. And according to him, they took it very badly. They told him he needed to focus on finishing college and being someone before having a girlfriend. They also mentioned that me not being Indian would cause culture issues. He said he spent all day trying to change their minds, but that they do not approve of his relationship with me.

He basically told me we had to break up.. I was in utter disbelief. I have not been liked due to my race, but It nothing to this magnitude. I spent all last night trying to talk to my boyfriend but he said he felt it was hopeless because his parents have a certain way of thinking and they are paying his way through college and he doesn’t want to go against them. He said I deserved to be with someone who didn’t have these issues and be with someone who’s family would accept me without question. He said he loved me and wanted to be friends, but I felt like I was drowning when he said this all this.

In my mind, I can’t just give up and let this go. I feel like I have to fight for my relationship. He said we can still hang out and talk but that we cannot do anything romantic as he felt like he would be lying to them and being unfair to me.

Does this sound hopeless? Should I try talking to his parents? Should I try to fight for him?

Updates

+1 y

I really appreciate all the advice, I didn’t think so many people would respond!

We decided to fight for our relationship. However, if it continues to be an issue and his parents don’t eventually come around to the point he feels he has no other choice, I won’t fight for it anymore. But I love him beyond belief, he’s the best boyfriend I have ever had and I couldn’t just let him go.

[potatoisme]

First of all, you can't fight for a relationship your partner is not ready to protect. He's given it up and you fighting for it is completely useless at the moment..

I understand what he's going through because my culture is strict since I'm Arab. So I undersyand how stressed and pressured he must feel for disobeying his parents. I bet he feels guilty enough for changing his religion, so having a girlfriend makes him feel even more guilty.

If he chose to leave the relationship although he truly loved you then he has a good reason for it. I imagine he doesn't want you to have a bad future with him where his parents won't ever approve of your relationship, And he wants to avoid that family drama for your and his own good.

U can have one last talk to him and tell him to rethink it because to be honest, right now this relationship depends solely on him. And I think he might have been really influenced by his parents so he made a rushed decision, maybe a wise one, but still rushed. If he takes his time he might change his mind.

[Asker]

I told him I felt like he was giving up but he told me he was not giving up on me and that he was going to keep trying to make them understand, but he feels like it won’t make a difference, but he was gonna fight for me and that he loved me. And I guess I have to accept that for what it is right now.

[potatoisme]

Yes, nd that's why he needs to take a decision, because if he wants to convince them to accept you he needs to actually be with you. Otherwise it's like he's leading you and himself on because you'll be stuck at waiting for him and he will be stuck too, trying to fight for a person who he is not currently with.

So I think you should either completely end the relationship and stop interacting and stop fighting for one another, or at least be in a relationship, so you can fight for it together, instead of being separated and heartbroken, which makes you both weaker.

I don't know it's just the way I see it.

[Anonymous]

He should be a real man and put his parents in their place! They might be his parents, but they do NOT own him. He should tell them he has made his choice to be with you, as you will be together long after his parents have departed this world.

Fight for him! Do not bother with his parents. They are so biased, you will get nowhere with them.

Remember, though, at the end of the day, you would not only be marrying him, but his parents too! There would be four in your family. That is the way these people work!

[JSmith925]

Talking to his parents would be a waste of time. They have been fermenting in cultural prejudice (caste system) for so long they are incapable of logical thinking on this subject.
You may try talking to him, though. Ask him to stop and think about what HE wants. Frankly, I would suggest he just just hide his love life and let them imagine he is waiting for "the one."
By the time you are considering marriage, he will be in a position to do what he wants and all his parents will be able to do is accept you or never see their grandchildren.
I just have to say that people like this irritate me. Good parents just want their offspring to be happy.
~JSmith

[Dreku]

It hurts to say but for now it's likely hopeless, if I wanted someone enough and they felt the same I'd disown anyone who didn't understand its my choice and having done anything wrong, the hopelessness here comes from his hiding you then breaking it off so fast when his parents got upset, he may love you a lot but seems he isn't going to go against them

[Asker]

He told me he was gonna keep trying to make them understand but didn’t think it would help but that he would keep fighting for me and that he loves me

[Dreku]

Well then don't give up intill you need to in order to heal, love is worth some pain if its able to be overcome

[LuciM]

What you have here is already a culture clash happening: Indian family bonds are very very different than western/US style. To put it more bluntly - Middle Age style vs modern style. In middle age families were arranging marriages and not otherwise. While they are obviously more modern, the obedience the son has for his parents stayed unchanged as from the old times.

If you fight and win, you have to be aware that all your life your in-laws may not like you (to say the least) for various reasons one being that you are not Indian. This will be reminded at every family reunion. Do you want that? Are you willing to handle this for the next 30-40 years?

What you can do is to pass the ball to your bf: give him 2-3 months to clear his mind and decide: will he choose you or his family? In reality he'll have to choose the Indian traditional culture vs Western US culture. You cannot force him, he has to decide. Give him the chance to decide and some time but once he decided and if is a no move on.

In case of a negative reply, you can take the good parts of this relation forward - what made him a good fit for you? For sure there are other nice men with less intrusive families.

Life is not fair, but it has never been fair since the origins of life...

[Smilestri]

Please dear flm my own experience and also from one of my good friend who fell for and dated and married an Indian guy and they got divorced in less than a year all because of Parents.. trust me it is NOT WORTH SAVING. Consider this you LUCK and get out of it even if it hurts.. coz Indian guys come with a baggage of family and once the relationship goes towards engagement or anything it’s like flipping a switch and they turn crazy but even just for a relationship he is always going to take his parents side.. he might fight but if u insist he will keep u a secret and it will never go anywhere.. my sincere advise run and run away from him.. and don’t fall for Indian guys.. I have known too many people with this issue..

[GingerGuy]

I just read the title and nothing more because I don't need to read the details I don't think. If someone cares that much about what their parents think, they are never going to be happy because they aren't doing what they want. And it's not YOUR job to "save this". It's his choice and I'd do nothing if I were you, move on. Hopefully he'll realize what a mistake he's making but if not, you're better off because do you want your entire relationship always dictated by his parents? Because that's what it will be like.

[Losalt]

Honestly, that's up to *you* to decide.
But if you feel like he is what makes life worth living and that you can't imagine living without him then I do think that would probably be the answer...
If you *can* imagine living without him, then that's *also* your answer...
Only you can figure that one out...

[Losalt]

I'm glad to hear about that update. =)
I *do* think that there's hope.
Even if this is going to be tough for both of you.
Good luck. =)

[Dog19]

I wouldn't break up. I know it's important to listen to your parents and follow ther rules but this is crazy. If I had a good relationship with someone I'm not going to end it because mom and dad say so. That's too controlling.

Now, if they threatened to kick me out then yes I'm ending the friendship/ relationship because family first. I just wouldn't bring him or her around me

[AqibFarid]

your parent should try, not you that would be more effective, but yahy t is if he wanted you he would have made his parents agreed for you. i'm a boy i can say it clearly if a guy loves a girls he will literately do anything for her, and making parents agree is not a difficult one!!

[lumos]

No, it's not worth saving. His parents will most likely never approve of you and clearly he values his parents' opinion over you. Hence, it's not worth the trouble. He doesn't want to fight for the relationship, so why should you?

[kidthekid]

Just pretend like you two broke up and but still keep your relationship secret. Should be easy right? Considering his parent weren't aware for 3 months, it should be fairly easy.

[AsTheWindBlows]

No, if he's still listening to his parents for decisions he should be making, then you don't want him anyway. Or he could just be using his parents as an excuse to break up.

[nina2992]

If he loved you he would have stand up for you against. not being disrespectful to them but just trying to take the hard way to pay for his education like a lot of people do. But he chose himself over you. Now you should do the same

[000_000]

I don’t know this guy but you have to remember that some families are very tight knit. If a family disapproval was enough for him to break it off then it probably wasn’t meant to be

[MlleCake]

There's not much you can do with a boyfriend who has a family system so unwelcoming to others.

[CowboyAceTre]

Nope. Kick his ass to the curb, let the trash take itself out. My mom in law used to talk mad shit, until I told her I was gonna lock her in the closet till she learned to behave.

[Pizza_lover159]

Such an idiot. Just leave him. He doesn't want to do anything because he is too lazy to work to support himself.

[Anonymous]

Even though his parents disapproved of you and your boyfriend being a couple, he shouldn't have broke up with you. It's not his decision; it's his parents'. It must be hard for both of you. Just becuz of a culture

[nikki10]

No. He's a little momma's boy n hey if your so wild my mom doesn't like you we're gonna have fun. Whats up? Lol kidding. Sorta

[shakey52357]

Well from one guy point of view stay clear because if mommy and daddy are making his relationship choices what else are they controlling?

[DontHaveIdea]

In his skin i would ignore parents and meet with you every day they dont need to know after some times they will must accept that fact

[iamnash]

Omg it shouldn't matter like if he wanna be with you then be with you

[Anonymous]

Blood’s thicker than water, family always comes first.