Husband says I have to announce our divorce to kids alone because I asked for it. Fair?

Question

My husband has agreed to a divorce. I asked for it because he was emotionally, mentally and at times physically abusive. Things have been deteriorating and I decided I should get out early before things get really bad.

Previously, he agreed that even though I asked for the divorce, we would announce it together and explain to the kids we will continue to love and care for them but just in separate places since none of this is their fault.

Today he said he wants to just pack his bags and leave and it's on me to explain it.

I have messaged with people on G@G who have told me how damaging it was when their dads just dipset instead of facing them when they were leaving.

So am I being unreasonable to ask that we do this as a family unit or is he right and that since I want the divorce I should shoulder the full burden in announcing it?

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Your husband has reneged on his prior agreement to announce the divorce together with you, and I’m sure you’re not surprised; he wants to play the blameless victim—as if you are 100% responsible for the divorce.

I would just proceed with what you had intended—except without him: tell the kids that you & their father will continue to love and care for them, and that you guys splitting up is in no way their fault and is due to growing apart & irreconcilable differences...

... And leave it at that: don’t try to justify to them why you needed to split because of what he did or how he is; doing that would put them in a bad position, and they aren’t able to see your relationship decline/failure fully as you do because of their age and “position” as children, rather than as an unrelated adults would.

Don’t worry about what others think about what is “reasonable” or “fair,” all that matters is that you proceed to do what you can to isolate your children from additional turmoil that would surely ensue from trying to get them “to be on your side” regarding this divorce, and discussing what went wrong with them.

Your husband may try to do this with them, but deal with that if and when it occurs.

Xyglo27 · Accepted Answer

You should announce the divorce.
Why?
Because you made the decision to end your marriage & get a divorce. If you are making a decision be ready to take responsibility for your actions.

I personally see divorce as suicide. Just because things get hard doesn't mean you should end it.

You are saying that your husband is being emotionally, mentally & physically abusive... What did you do that made him act/behave in this way?
Your husband must've sacrificed a lot as he decided to marry you & you just ditch him?

What are the mistakes you made in this marriage?

Because generally speaking both partners make mistakes but women often hide their side of the story & put the entire blame on the man.

Take an honest look at the relationship. Take an honest look at yourself. Take an honest look at your husband.

If your marriage truly is doomed then go ahead with this divorce but if there is a light at the end of the tunnel that save this marriage & please take it. Take it for yourself, for your husband, for your kids.

I hope you make the right decision! 🙏🏽

AmandaYVR · Accepted Answer

I'm not even scrolling down.
No. No, no, no, no. Your husband is wrong.
He's obviously too angry (and possibly hurt) right now to think that he has any responsibilities here, but he does. He's being a coward. This is not only about the two of you. It is about your children. And what is best for them is that you two are still some kind of unit, some source of information and wisdom for them.
He sounds like an asshole, frankly. I support you in getting out. Being abused is one of the very legit reasons to leave a person and marriage. You should be able to do this without guilt. In fact, staying in this relationship may warrant more guilt. The children will be devastated, yes, but they will eventually adapt to the new paradigm. There are just as many grown adults who reflect on their tumultuous childhood and wish their parents had split up.
Stay the course. You are in the right here.
You perhaps cannot drag him into the room and force him to discuss this simultaneously with your children. But you should try. He owes you all this much.

PaynefulPleasures · Accepted Answer

It was very cowardly of what & how he's handling it
Both of you need to sit down and talk to your children to leave you to tell the news just shows what type of a man he really is
I'm sorry you're going through this my first marriage was similar

OlderAndWiser · Answer

You can want whatever you want but that doesn't mean it's going to happen. If he refuses to participate in explaining to the children, then you have no choice but to do it by yourself. If he wanted to be a good father, he wouldn't use this as an opportunity to punish you.

coachTanthony · Answer

I would of said fine by me and told the kids by myself. You can't have an abusive person in your life then expect them to do the right thing when you deem it appropriate. He is either a dirt bag abuser or he isn't. Nothing about the situation has been fair up to this point but somehow now you expect him to be? Huge disconnect here.

Screenwriter · Answer

You've framed this the wrong way. Of course it's not FAIR. He is not a fair person. You've said he's abusive and he's continuing to be so by trying to make this look like it's your fault. This is what abusers do.

Do your best to explain to the children in age-appropriate ways what is going on. Don't rely on him to do anything but pay his share of child support. And being that he IS abusive, be prepared for battles over THAT too. Rely on YOURSELF and yourself alone.

If you're UP to it and can get legal aid, sue him for child support when he stops giving it. This is another form of abuse. To hurt you by hurting your children.

Do your best to give your children whatever you can to compensate for their father.

That's all you can do. Good luck.

ohshee · Answer

Here's the deal that's not unreasonable at least you can tell your kids the truth so they understand the truth he will get his time, to have his say in the matter to your children if he lies it would be the worst thing in the world that is done to his children you can't really sugarcoat this and you don't want to you want to be straight-up honest with not one lie with not one put down towards your husband you need to tell your kids how you feel they're still a part of you that loves him I'm sure and you need to tell your kids that but do not say one bad thing about him otherwise it'll backfire in your face somewhere down the road same with him

DJB72 · Answer

OK, I ticked you should do it alone, but for one strong reason: he's telling you to do it to call your bluff. He's said that you have to do it alone because it's another form of manipulative abuse.

Tell your children you told him to leave because he's been abusive both physically and emotionally. If he's hit you for "resisting" him (that's how he'll see it) it's just a matter of time before they receive that side of him as well.

The best thing you can do is to change the locks.

midnightmoon05 · Answer

How old are the kids?
How will the custody arrangements work out after the divorce?

share or you have them full.

I can answer better know this information.

I am a single mom and sharing kids with ex husband.

always put kids first.

Lynx122 · Answer

He should stay but honestly it's not that big of a deal. The most damaging thing is not the divorce but what happens before that (that's how it was for me anyway). If the divorce comes out of nowhere then it would be different but if the relationship was already problematic then the kids have lived through it and they're not gonna be surprised. In an ideal world he would stay and explain it (my dad did) but I think you should just be happy that he's gone and try and make the best of it.

This_is_my_username · Answer

Your ex husband is being petty. Divorce is devastating to kids because it comes with a lot of uncertainty and the unknown which can be scary. However, it's comforting to have both parents their because it creates an illusion of an unbreakable parenting bond, it's also emphasizes that regardless of how hard the situation is mum and dad will always be here together.. maybe not the way they want it to be but in a way that creates an environment that's healthy and happy.

LZPanzer · Answer

It should be something that you do together. However, he is under no obligation to do as you ask. The only people he has an obligation to is the kids, if he doesn't want to discuss this with them he doesn't have to. He may not be ready to face that yet.

lolman95 · Answer

I voted B but Regardless of who asked for it, you'll have to announce it. It's rough but the important thing is that the children have the right understanding, which would be difficult when you have a emotionally, mentally and at times physically abusive person by your side during such a difficult conversation. Life is not fair, make the best of it regardless.

HugoThe2nd · Answer

Getting back at a spouse by using one's relationship with their children as collateral damage.
That's one real class act.

This isn't really a matter of fairness, you shouldn't even be asking that question.
It's just more of his abusive and narcissistic behavior.
There is no scenario in which prioritizing personal vengeance this way would be acceptable.

Moreover, from your description of events I'm getting the impression that this stunt of his isn't even motivated by hurt or momentary disturbance in his emotional state.
The whole painting you as the villain in front of your children spin just seems purposefully callous to me.

Mofunfour20 · Answer

Stop trying to make him do something he isn't motivated to do. Thats probably why you're divorcing him anyway, his ineptitude to protect you physically. I can't speak on the emotional abuse and mental abuse because you never divulged what he did. A man never should have to hit a woman for obvious reasons so since he did that i doubt he'd have the confidence to tell the kids he did it. It implies mental weakness to admit you hit a woman you were already stronger than. I too would be embarrassed

loveslongnails · Answer

Without QUESTION, it should be both of you. The kids don't have to know all the reasons, but they DO have to know they are not PART of the reasons, and that your love for them, and caring for them, won't change. That's the ONLY thing that matters here, not anyone's fucking ego.

TacosRAwesome · Answer

If you're the only one telling the kids then you will be the only one getting your narrative across. The kids probably know he's an asshole so you explaining why you're divorcing him won't help his case. Basically just be honest with the kids and you will probably be fine.

ChrisMaster69 · Answer

Have been here and we both did it.

even did a video just in case one of died lol

revisited a few years later and both explained reasoning, which was really silly when we talked about it again lol.

anyhow yes he’s being a dickwad

Jamie05rhs · Answer

Just take his deal. I know it's not what you wanted, but it's probably the best case scenario out of all options, considering the circumstances.

At least if you tell them yourself, they won't have to see Mommy and Daddy arguing in front of them (because -- be honest -- that is a very real possibility.)

Chriscunning · Answer

Sometimes one needs to put your emotions aside, esp for the kids, step up to the plate and play ball like a big boy. Regardless of who asked for a divorce, it takes 2 in a relationship and 2 to break it. Unless he truly tried and did everything, but i highly doubt that is the case.

His emotion and upset, probably a bit of a tantrum his throwing to spite you (and the kids). The emotional maturity would have been sitting and chatting to the kids with you.

Redred56 · Answer

Sorry I’m so late on such an important issue!
first off, both of your children come first and they must feel love and not abandonment.
I know it’s not anyone’s intentions but it can happen. 2. It’s not their fault~PERIOD
3. I can’t comment on the divorce because it’s personal and it takes 2 to fall in and out
of love/marriage. 4. We can talk without listening, Love without caring~~
Have a family without being a part
PS Make sure you get child support for those little ones, very important!

boggboss · Answer

So yes its shot that he is doing that but at the end off the day if this is what u want and he dont im not sure why u would expect him to step up and do his part remember u are no longer a family unit

Bklynbadboy12 · Answer

Listen if he was abusive to you then its better to end it. I'm not shocked he's leaving you holding the bag cause he's a fuckin coward only a coward would treat his wife like that. So tell you kids explain to them what's going on. How old are your kids

Interstate · Answer

The Parents should support the weight of whatever affects the Kids. Since the actions of the two of you will affect your children, the two of you are responsible for the consequences of your actions. Just because one or the other is no longer living there, that doesn't lessen their responsibility with the Children. They are expected to be just as much the Parent from afar as if they are still under the same roof.

NyceGuyFinishingLast · Answer

If he wants to be an immature prick then have the meeting with the kids and you can tell them he was too much of a coward to be there. What's he gonna do? Nothing because he won't be there to defend himself. Win win for you.

loves2learn · Answer

He’s being childish. That is NOT the best thing for the kids.

kkirk4442 · Answer

It depends on why you are asking for the divorce. If there was infidelity, abuse, etc., then it should be alone. If you are asking just for selfish reasons, then you should take the brunt of letting the children know. However, both parents should be present.

PeacefulRainDrop · Answer

He doesn't want a devorse you do so to dump it on you makes sense.. if you both did it be different but I see a man who loves you to let you go but wants you to do it by yourself so you might change your mind if he lives earlier you might miss him.. and not want the devorse at the end of the day

Anonymous · Answer

He’s your soon to be ex husband. You can try to shame him all you’d like but he doesn’t have to do anything you want him to do. You can’t say you don’t need him anymore then tell him he has to do something for you that he “agreed” on. You technically agreed “til death do you part” so why do you expect him to follow through on anything? For the record, your husband is being an asshole. You have the opportunity to control the direction of this divorce by explaining to your children what type of man their father is and why you’re splitting. He can whine and complain that you’re turning the kids against him but he blew his chance to explain his side. Now you get to be the good guy and he will be the guy who wimped out on doing something important for his kids.

Amoebaaa · Answer

Announce it to the kids yourself, but tell them the real story. Don't go like "we could not get along, it happens". Tell them what was actually going on. Don't try to sugercoat his behaviours.

bowenw · Answer

I believe it's best for the kids if both parents make the announcement. It lets them know that they are loved and important to both parents. Having said that, if one parent is not behaving rationally or have the guts to be present at a family meeting they should at least meet the kids on their own soon afterwards to let them know they are still going to be a big part of their lives.

Jaylaaa2000 · Answer

Life isn't fair, but his actions and weakness reinforces why you want a divorce in the first place

Prettysammie · Answer

What matters here is the well-being of the kids and not either your or his happiness. The kids are having their world turned upside down. They’re going to blame themselves. So you adults who are inflicting this on them need to put their needs first and figure out how to get them through your choices.

TheSpaceGnome · Answer

You should both explain to your children that the reason you are getting divorced is that both of you had sex without thinking about whether not you were mentally compatible, and that when its time for them to have relationships, to think really hard about whether or not it's the right person (ie whether or not they have the same personality - because if they don't, they will end up divorced with kids too, and then all the nice, single people their age aren't going to want to date or marry them, because no one wants to deal with another person's ex, and good parents don't abandon their kids after divorce, or try to raise them as single parents unless one of them is physically or mentally abusive).

jshm2 · Answer

A rather shitty situation all round. But your kids probably aren't as dumb as you've made them out to be, and they probably already knew the score before you did.

Best bet is to sort out your divorce first, and worry about them second. It seems like your former husband hasn't bailed, but is using his time wisely to get a good lawyer and ensure you get screwed over.

You're wasting time talking to anyone other than your divorce lawyer, at this point.

SandandWaves · Answer

both your kids, both should be there to talk with kids

plzmee · Answer

There isn't anything fair in a divorce no matter who initiated you both should scrape together what ever respect you have for each other for the kids stand together kids hear from you both. they didn't initiate the divorce either

bamesjond0069 · Answer

I mean ideally it would be done together but YOU'RE DIVORCING HIM and then you're upset he is acting emotional from it. Smh. Are you dumb or something? You make the mess you clean it up. Seems logical especially since he doesn't owe you help or cooperation as an ex. The kids will live, its not that important.

Adam1978 · Answer

I can only agree, you end it, so you are the cause of him leaving so you should explain why their dad is leaving. He do not need to support your decision or help you explain it to the kids. He can do his part when he is responsible for the kids next.

Anonymous · Answer

@coulis
Seriously? You were in a seemingly toxic relationship and you expect the husband to actually be responsible? Are you for real?

Any woman in that situation would say - THANK GOD & FUCK OFF.
That is the ONLY suitable response to a legitimately toxic relationship that has supposedly being going on for years. Not oh hubby dearest can you help me explain to the kids why we're getting divorced? Explain WHAT? In his mind he's done little to nothing wrong. YOU are the person in the wrong. And he WILL blame you for asking for a divorce because, again, to him he has done little to nothing wrong.

TRY USING YOUR HEAD. Instead of crying poor little me.

COMMODOREII · Answer

Wow talk about being emotionally abusive. He still trying to hurt you by making you tell the kids.

clampfan101 · Answer

You should always try to work together in a relationship. Even if you’re ending it.

Anonymous · Answer

It’s your choice to get the divorce. It’s probably been VERY emotionally distressing for him and he’s clearly not in the right frame of mind. He feels anger, resentment, hurt, betrayal, disappointment, depression and more. Instead of sympathising with the man you once married and had kids with you begin to trash talk him for not explaining to your children (the worst news they’ll ever hear in their lives) why YOU wanted a divorce. How about stop making a big deal out of everything? Makes me wonder if you were making a big deal out of the so called “abuse” too and it wasn’t as bad as you’re trying to frame him. Navigating through this situation is hard enough as it is. He is going to try and make the most of the time he has with his kids moving forward. The bible clearly looks down on divorce for a reason. Not even being religious here though.

Jjpayne · Answer

He really needs to talk to his kids at some point however, this could also be a tatic to get you to come back to him too... So it's hard to know what the best move is...

Pete671 · Answer

The kids are the important ones here, not your husband's ego,

A_Bell · Answer

Why do you expect him to announce something that you want and he doesn't? Did you want him to file the divorce? You can't force people to do what you want to make it easier for you.

Jersey2 · Answer

He doesn’t have to do shit with you anymore since it is a divorce. That starts immediately.  He will have his own relationship with the kids going forward, starting now. You are no longer a pair.

JackSmy · Answer

No matter how you do it, the kids are going to HATE one, or BOTH of you!! He's a douchbag, making you do it, but it won't change anything! You are both just FUCKING UP YOUR KIDS!! Good Work, as parents!! Don't give me any bullshit excuses! I lived it, and my parents did that, and FUCK THEM for being so screwed up, and they NEVER should have had kids!!

Anonymous · Answer

Sorry to hear that. People always change over the years. When you first met someone then its lots and lots of sex then after 10 or more year then you'll soon realize you want to jumping on new color bones when you start drifting apart. I have lots of reasons not to get married. Who knows you might run into a old sweetheart to start over either its friendship, friends with benefits or a romantic relationship. Single moms always find a relationship rather she's looking or not. My ex friends with benefits told me she's never gonna date again until she ran into her childhood sweetheart and they reconciled their relationship on Easter 🤷🏻‍♂️

Anonymous · Answer

It's best I think to do it as a unit, together, but he doesn't sound like the greatest guy in general if he was abusive, so not surprised he doesn't want to.

ToastyOats · Answer

One more way he has decided to bitch out. In my opinion.

Anonymous · Answer

I think both parents should announce the divorce tbh.

kitkills · Answer

I mean you wanted it, you should be prepared to do everything that comes with it.

Anonymous · Answer

You broke the family, you're abandoning him, he owes you nothing more, so you deal with it. It's not that you're doing anything wrong or being unreasonable. It may be for the best. It's just that he no longer needs to deal with it. So he isn't.

Gabbledegak · Answer

Till death do you part, rember that? Work it out.

Anonymous · Answer

You and your new boyfriend should announce it possibly.

Anonymous · Answer

who rfucking cares. you wanted it so get used to doing things for yourself and tell them. stop being a whiny bitch

OddBeMe · Answer

That’s sadistic bullshit.

EaterPeter · Answer

Not fair.

moviedude714 · Answer

Were you and him together for more than a decade?

AmeerX · Answer

Do you think they need to know?

zagor · Answer

How old are the kids?

CreamySeed · Answer

Ladies always bail, they are the weaker sex

Husband says I have to announce our divorce to kids alone because I asked for it. Fair?

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