Husband says I have to announce our divorce to kids alone because I asked for it. Fair?

Question

My husband has agreed to a divorce. I asked for it because he was emotionally, mentally and at times physically abusive. Things have been deteriorating and I decided I should get out early before things get really bad.

Previously, he agreed that even though I asked for the divorce, we would announce it together and explain to the kids we will continue to love and care for them but just in separate places since none of this is their fault.

Today he said he wants to just pack his bags and leave and it's on me to explain it.

I have messaged with people on G@G who have told me how damaging it was when their dads just dipset instead of facing them when they were leaving.

So am I being unreasonable to ask that we do this as a family unit or is he right and that since I want the divorce I should shoulder the full burden in announcing it?

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Your husband has reneged on his prior agreement to announce the divorce together with you, and I’m sure you’re not surprised; he wants to play the blameless victim—as if you are 100% responsible for the divorce.

I would just proceed with what you had intended—except without him: tell the kids that you & their father will continue to love and care for them, and that you guys splitting up is in no way their fault and is due to growing apart & irreconcilable differences...

... And leave it at that: don’t try to justify to them why you needed to split because of what he did or how he is; doing that would put them in a bad position, and they aren’t able to see your relationship decline/failure fully as you do because of their age and “position” as children, rather than as an unrelated adults would.

Don’t worry about what others think about what is “reasonable” or “fair,” all that matters is that you proceed to do what you can to isolate your children from additional turmoil that would surely ensue from trying to get them “to be on your side” regarding this divorce, and discussing what went wrong with them.

Your husband may try to do this with them, but deal with that if and when it occurs.

Xyglo27 · Accepted Answer

You should announce the divorce.
Why?
Because you made the decision to end your marriage & get a divorce. If you are making a decision be ready to take responsibility for your actions.

I personally see divorce as suicide. Just because things get hard doesn't mean you should end it.

You are saying that your husband is being emotionally, mentally & physically abusive... What did you do that made him act/behave in this way?
Your husband must've sacrificed a lot as he decided to marry you & you just ditch him?

What are the mistakes you made in this marriage?

Because generally speaking both partners make mistakes but women often hide their side of the story & put the entire blame on the man.

Take an honest look at the relationship. Take an honest look at yourself. Take an honest look at your husband.

If your marriage truly is doomed then go ahead with this divorce but if there is a light at the end of the tunnel that save this marriage & please take it. Take it for yourself, for your husband, for your kids.

I hope you make the right decision! 🙏🏽

AmandaYVR · Accepted Answer

I'm not even scrolling down.
No. No, no, no, no. Your husband is wrong.
He's obviously too angry (and possibly hurt) right now to think that he has any responsibilities here, but he does. He's being a coward. This is not only about the two of you. It is about your children. And what is best for them is that you two are still some kind of unit, some source of information and wisdom for them.
He sounds like an asshole, frankly. I support you in getting out. Being abused is one of the very legit reasons to leave a person and marriage. You should be able to do this without guilt. In fact, staying in this relationship may warrant more guilt. The children will be devastated, yes, but they will eventually adapt to the new paradigm. There are just as many grown adults who reflect on their tumultuous childhood and wish their parents had split up.
Stay the course. You are in the right here.
You perhaps cannot drag him into the room and force him to discuss this simultaneously with your children. But you should try. He owes you all this much.

PaynefulPleasures · Accepted Answer

It was very cowardly of what & how he's handling it
Both of you need to sit down and talk to your children to leave you to tell the news just shows what type of a man he really is
I'm sorry you're going through this my first marriage was similar

OlderAndWiser · Answer

You can want whatever you want but that doesn't mean it's going to happen. If he refuses to participate in explaining to the children, then you have no choice but to do it by yourself. If he wanted to be a good father, he wouldn't use this as an opportunity to punish you.

coachTanthony · Answer

I would of said fine by me and told the kids by myself. You can't have an abusive person in your life then expect them to do the right thing when you deem it appropriate. He is either a dirt bag abuser or he isn't. Nothing about the situation has been fair up to this point but somehow now you expect him to be? Huge disconnect here.

DJB72 · Answer

OK, I ticked you should do it alone, but for one strong reason: he's telling you to do it to call your bluff. He's said that you have to do it alone because it's another form of manipulative abuse.

Tell your children you told him to leave because he's been abusive both physically and emotionally. If he's hit you for "resisting" him (that's how he'll see it) it's just a matter of time before they receive that side of him as well.

The best thing you can do is to change the locks.

Screenwriter · Answer

You've framed this the wrong way. Of course it's not FAIR. He is not a fair person. You've said he's abusive and he's continuing to be so by trying to make this look like it's your fault. This is what abusers do.

Do your best to explain to the children in age-appropriate ways what is going on. Don't rely on him to do anything but pay his share of child support. And being that he IS abusive, be prepared for battles over THAT too. Rely on YOURSELF and yourself alone.

If you're UP to it and can get legal aid, sue him for child support when he stops giving it. This is another form of abuse. To hurt you by hurting your children.

Do your best to give your children whatever you can to compensate for their father.

That's all you can do. Good luck.

ohshee · Answer

Here's the deal that's not unreasonable at least you can tell your kids the truth so they understand the truth he will get his time, to have his say in the matter to your children if he lies it would be the worst thing in the world that is done to his children you can't really sugarcoat this and you don't want to you want to be straight-up honest with not one lie with not one put down towards your husband you need to tell your kids how you feel they're still a part of you that loves him I'm sure and you need to tell your kids that but do not say one bad thing about him otherwise it'll backfire in your face somewhere down the road same with him

midnightmoon05 · Answer

How old are the kids?
How will the custody arrangements work out after the divorce?

share or you have them full.

I can answer better know this information.

I am a single mom and sharing kids with ex husband.

always put kids first.

Lynx122 · Answer

He should stay but honestly it's not that big of a deal. The most damaging thing is not the divorce but what happens before that (that's how it was for me anyway). If the divorce comes out of nowhere then it would be different but if the relationship was already problematic then the kids have lived through it and they're not gonna be surprised. In an ideal world he would stay and explain it (my dad did) but I think you should just be happy that he's gone and try and make the best of it.

This_is_my_username · Answer

Your ex husband is being petty. Divorce is devastating to kids because it comes with a lot of uncertainty and the unknown which can be scary. However, it's comforting to have both parents their because it creates an illusion of an unbreakable parenting bond, it's also emphasizes that regardless of how hard the situation is mum and dad will always be here together.. maybe not the way they want it to be but in a way that creates an environment that's healthy and happy.

LZPanzer · Answer

It should be something that you do together. However, he is under no obligation to do as you ask. The only people he has an obligation to is the kids, if he doesn't want to discuss this with them he doesn't have to. He may not be ready to face that yet.

lolman95 · Answer

I voted B but Regardless of who asked for it, you'll have to announce it. It's rough but the important thing is that the children have the right understanding, which would be difficult when you have a emotionally, mentally and at times physically abusive person by your side during such a difficult conversation. Life is not fair, make the best of it regardless.

HugoThe2nd · Answer

Getting back at a spouse by using one's relationship with their children as collateral damage.
That's one real class act.

This isn't really a matter of fairness, you shouldn't even be asking that question.
It's just more of his abusive and narcissistic behavior.
There is no scenario in which prioritizing personal vengeance this way would be acceptable.

Moreover, from your description of events I'm getting the impression that this stunt of his isn't even motivated by hurt or momentary disturbance in his emotional state.
The whole painting you as the villain in front of your children spin just seems purposefully callous to me.

Mofunfour20 · Answer

Stop trying to make him do something he isn't motivated to do. Thats probably why you're divorcing him anyway, his ineptitude to protect you physically. I can't speak on the emotional abuse and mental abuse because you never divulged what he did. A man never should have to hit a woman for obvious reasons so since he did that i doubt he'd have the confidence to tell the kids he did it. It implies mental weakness to admit you hit a woman you were already stronger than. I too would be embarrassed

TacosRAwesome · Answer

If you're the only one telling the kids then you will be the only one getting your narrative across. The kids probably know he's an asshole so you explaining why you're divorcing him won't help his case. Basically just be honest with the kids and you will probably be fine.

loveslongnails · Answer

Without QUESTION, it should be both of you. The kids don't have to know all the reasons, but they DO have to know they are not PART of the reasons, and that your love for them, and caring for them, won't change. That's the ONLY thing that matters here, not anyone's fucking ego.

ChrisMaster69 · Answer

Have been here and we both did it.

even did a video just in case one of died lol

revisited a few years later and both explained reasoning, which was really silly when we talked about it again lol.

anyhow yes he’s being a dickwad

Jamie05rhs · Answer

Just take his deal. I know it's not what you wanted, but it's probably the best case scenario out of all options, considering the circumstances.

At least if you tell them yourself, they won't have to see Mommy and Daddy arguing in front of them (because -- be honest -- that is a very real possibility.)

Chriscunning · Answer

Sometimes one needs to put your emotions aside, esp for the kids, step up to the plate and play ball like a big boy. Regardless of who asked for a divorce, it takes 2 in a relationship and 2 to break it. Unless he truly tried and did everything, but i highly doubt that is the case.

His emotion and upset, probably a bit of a tantrum his throwing to spite you (and the kids). The emotional maturity would have been sitting and chatting to the kids with you.

Redred56 · Answer

Sorry I’m so late on such an important issue!
first off, both of your children come first and they must feel love and not abandonment.
I know it’s not anyone’s intentions but it can happen. 2. It’s not their fault~PERIOD
3. I can’t comment on the divorce because it’s personal and it takes 2 to fall in and out
of love/marriage. 4. We can talk without listening, Love without caring~~
Have a family without being a part
PS Make sure you get child support for those little ones, very important!

boggboss · Answer

So yes its shot that he is doing that but at the end off the day if this is what u want and he dont im not sure why u would expect him to step up and do his part remember u are no longer a family unit

Bklynbadboy12 · Answer

Listen if he was abusive to you then its better to end it. I'm not shocked he's leaving you holding the bag cause he's a fuckin coward only a coward would treat his wife like that. So tell you kids explain to them what's going on. How old are your kids

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