We married when I was very young because I got pregnant when I was 19 years old. He was my first relationship, my only real one honestly. Things were already rocky to begin with when we married. He's an amazing guy, a wonderful father but our relationship is damaged beyond repair because of me. The only reason we are still together is because of our child, and it's the main reason we got married. He is working his way up in the world, advancing his career, with some really awesome opportunities coming his way. I am happy for him but I don't want to hold him back. I'm not able to meet his emotional or sexual needs and I can tell that he is unhappy. I want him to happy, to be in a healthy and fulfilling relationship and I am just not able to give him that and he knows it. I think that in a way he has just resigned to his fate. I don't know what to do.
I feel like I am holding my husband back, should we divorce?
Are you using your inability to satisfy his needs as an excuse to get divorced when you just don't want to be married to him? Are you really considering this for HIS benefit or for yours?
@KrakenAttackin you realize that self lubrication isn’t the only thing that happens when a woman is aroused right? That of you actually pay attention you can tell if she’s not. That like telling a man with erectile disfunction to buy lube and “work harder” at least they make viagra for men..
While you can't change the past, you can still shape the future. Don't get a divorce, think about it, why not instead work in becoming the wife that can satisfy him? It's not something that can be done in a few weeks, of course, it's gonna take a long time but trust me, guys really appreciate it when girls show efforts and interest in a relationship. So, do your best, it's not always going to be easy, there are times you might just want to give up but it's in those times that commitment is the most important. So, try thinking about what kind of wife he might appreciate and try to see how everyday, you can take a step towards becoming that kind of wife, even if it's just a small step. If nothing works, pray about it, God hears your prayers.
Are you going to become lesbian or never get married again? Because right now you're so self-centered that any man with half a brain will be repulsed by the idea of being in a serious relationship with you & by divorcing you will just be training your mind to be even more self-centered.
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Asker
+1 y
how am I selfish by trying to figure out what the best thing to do is?
If your husband has given you emotional support and sex 100% of the times when you needed it - and I bet that he has -- then you saying, "our relationship is damaged beyond repair because of me... I'm not able to meet his emotional or sexual needs" represents you're selfishness. You have REQUIRED, EXPECTED and RECEIVED more than you're willing to give. The funny thing is that men are used to giving more than they get so it's not like he even expected you to give 1/10th of the emotional support he gives you but you couldn't even do that.
You have used him from what I can see. You are also a mother and you don't sound even a tiny bit concerned with the impact divorce will have on your kid.
actually my sexual needs aren't being met either. I do my best to satisfy his sexual needs and rarely deny him when he wants it, unfortunately my body doesn't do what it's supposed to so I'm not able to get aroused when I have sex with him and that's what I mean when I'm not able to meet his sexual needs. Is it selfish of me to want him to have things that I'm unable to provide?
Of course I am concerned about my kid... I married at 19 years old so that he would have a healthy family dynamic with both a mother and a father. I am where I am today because of my son.
If you can't get on top of him & make yourself come that is 1000% on you. Figure out how to fix your mind. In the mean time get better at acting, I guess. I'm sure your husband had to act interested a few times when he was giving you emotional support. From a man's POV it can be like being tortured with the same stuff being talked about 500 times but we'll smile and be there for you.
This has been an issue for over 4 years lube isn’t a replacement for actual arousal, more that just self lubrication happens when a woman is physically aroused so it’s pretty obvious if you can’t get turned on. If foreplay really helped I would have figured it out by now. You do realize it’s not as simple as you are making out to be right?
You do realize that there's a multi billion dollar industry around selling lube so again we're going back to you being selfish. The problem with you not being turned on is in you. The problem with you not satisfying your man is another issue.
What I’m saying is that he’s unsatisfied because he feel like he can’t turn me on. More that just lubrication happens when a woman is aroused. Even if I am using life he can tell. I have talked to two different doctors about it and neither were helpful.
He thinks you're unsatisfied because you keep whining/complaining. You can't just be pleasant and encourage him. Yes, obviously you have issues but some people are able to let their partner enjoy something in life without making everything all about themselves every minute of the day.
There is a difference between complaining and communicating. You realize that right? Like “hey babe this is causing me a lot of pain, can I help you finish another way?” Also you don’t have to be a mind reader to tell when your partner isn’t aroused… it’s not rocket science.
You complain and whine too much. Save it for your therapist. Save it for your girlfriends. Stop putting 2 tons of BS on your man. He already gave more than his fair share of help. The only reason why he's sad/put off of having sex with you now is because you kept hammering away about your self-centered issues around it. You don't get it? Okay... It's funny how you have a PROBLEM you haven't fixed but you're trying to tell me you know it's not what I'm telling you. I should be charging you $400/hour for advice.
I don’t have any girlfriends, I put all of my attentions into being a mother and wife. I could literally care less about my sexual gratification if it would cos my relationship but I would appear you aren reading my responses so I will say it again.
I don’t complain or nag to my husband. I do my very best to cater to his needs and well being. He is unhappy because he feels like he isn’t able to pease me because I have a lot of issues with physical arousal. He can tell when I am not aroused even though I do everything I can to get there.
I have spoken to multiple doctors, all of which they have prescribed and advised has not helped. If you could recommend something that would help I would be very greatful but to suggest you know better or more than my doctors do is a little arrogant.
"but to suggest you know better or more than my doctors do is a little arrogant." -- You must be too young to know that doctors make mistakes. Not only that but sometimes 5 doctors will say "do X" and the patient ignores them and keeps looking till they find a doctor who says "do Y" even tho that leads the patient to an earlier grave. Yeah, I've seen it happen. I've said all I can say on the topic. Go back to what I said about you being on top. Think about it a lot. Later.
I am more than aware that doctors are human but you don't know anything about my medical history, and I'm pretty sure the being prescribed estrogen cream isn't going to lead me to an early grave... so unless I want to see a specialist there isn't anything else that I can do. It's not like I can just pop some Viagra to solve me problem.
This is extremely heartbreaking and also one of my greatest fears. Talking to him, and tell him you want him to be happy and ask him what he wants. tell him that you guys can separate but live together as 2 people raising your child. that would be best for the child, at least he will have a choice for his partner. If he doesn't want the kid then that is another story. Just ask him what he wants to do, seeing someone you care about “resigning their fate” to you is so heartbreaking.
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Opinion Owner
+1 y
marriage counselling if he wants to work it out or do something fun and make it work together. if he wants to as well.
You are married? Is one of you cheating? If not than try to make it work. Try to love him and express love to him according to his top love languages (the way he receives/feels love most acutely). Why can't you meet his emotional and sexual needs. Try your best to be that wife for him. Express what your needs and wants are to and hopefully he tries his best to love you.
Why are you giving up?
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7 Reply
Asker
+1 y
I was unfaithful. I mean we have been trying to make it work since we got married. I feel like in most aspects of our relationship we fine. But there isn't any real sexual or emotional intimacy.
You've cheated on him? Had sex with another man? Divorce. Get out of his life. Have you hidden this from him? What I mean is why is he even with you? The kid will be fine if you co-parent... you don't have to stay married. If you had sex with another man I don't even know why he even bothers speaking to you. If you are hiding it from him... TELL HIM.
He knows. I told him about it right after it happened when I was 20. Told him I wanted a divorce. He said he didn't so he is very aware of everything that happened. He also knows that if divorce that I will do everything to make the process as fair and as smooth as possible. It's up to him though.
If he chooses to stay with you... he is an idiot. An absolute fool. Who cares if he wants to stay. Just divorce. You do not need his permission. You never stay with a cheater... EVER.
He sounds as weak as hell. 3.5 billion women. Go find another one who is faithful.
Just divorce... even if he thinks he is "supposed" to stay married "for the kids" or some foolish notion like that.
Well I am sorry for the men in the chat for assuming everything is wrong because of you. Also honestly I would divorce if i were you. At the same time you have a kid and putting that kid threw that amount of stress isn't good for the kid so ask him first
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4 Reply
Asker
+1 y
Thank you for your opinion. But our son is 4 years old. Hw would eat ice cream for dinner ever night if I let him.
You cheated on him. Did you have a paternity test done to see if the child was his? You said it yourself that the only reason you two are married, at least in his eyes is that you have child. If it's not his, don't go after him for child support and divorce him.
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3 Reply
Asker
+1 y
It is his child 100% though if he wanted a paternity test done I would absolutely do it. I didn’t cheat on him until after the baby was born and we were married
You need his support. But you may not need to be together for him to give it. Perhaps it would be more appropriate to try to be friends and live near one another where he can support you financially, and sometimes physically with the baby.
@krakenattackin Sweetie, I have dedicated my life to them. My husband isn't satisfied because he's not able to physically arouse me. I can't just tell my pussy to engorge and self lubricate. So unless you know something about female arousal that I don't. In that, case by all mean, tell me, how do I force myself to get wet and my gentiles to engorge if im not physically aroused?
Asker... Frankly, that's your problem. Divorcing your husband and destroying your child's family just because you can't get off, is fantastically selfish.
I have totally accepted my sex life, my husband explicitly expressed how unsatisfied he is and why which is the only reason I ask. According to him the only reason we are married is because he knocked me up.
There's more than what you write . Deep down you don't really respect him he's very weak. And part of you want to experience more things. Divorce is the best thing for this man I hope her grows up and realize what wrong he did when he accepted to keep going when he knew you cheat on him.
I believe you have male friends and you have an eye on some dudes this casual thing happen. in my opinion Divorce is best thing for him why he wants to keep you I don't understand his low value mindset
Actually no I don't have my eye one anyone... he's the only person that I've ever dated, and the only friend I have lives on the other side of the country and she just had baby.
He's made it clear that he doesn't want a divorce, but I'm wondering if he would be happier in the long term with someone that is better suited for him.
He's vision is only on you thats bad He's probably faithful and doesn't know there's better women out there. If you're so concerned about his happiness why did you cheat on him? I mean you're eager about his happiness so why you did that? !!
His vision isn’t only on me, actually I would say that it’s primarily on our son. But you answer your question it was because I was young and selfish, felt trapped and like I needed reason to leave. He didn’t want a divorce so we went to marriage counseling.
No I never said that, I cheated because I was an idiot. I don’t think reason why I did is that important honestly because there is go good reason, and there is no way to justify it not that I am trying to.
God is eternal. He understands the beginning to the end. You have no right to tell God what He can or can't do. And doesn't need your prayers or you as God is the MOST HIGH and glorious by His very nature.
He said that we never would have gotten married if I hadn't gotten pregnant. That he's unsatisfied sexually and that we are sexually incompatible but he doesn't want to get divorced even though he things about it some times.
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