My ex broke up with me but said some strange things whilst doing it?

[Anonymous]

I was with my ex for 11 months. It was a quick-moving, intense, loving relationship that was pretty much perfect. We talked about the future all the time, planned things months in advance, and she often referred to me as “a gift”. Unfortunately, I’ve always struggled with some degree of insecurity, it’s my main flaw and I started therapy to fix this 3 weeks ago. When I drink, I can get quite stern and say things I don’t really mean (never horrible things, just more with my tone). She was really sensitive to this, and told me multiple times it had to change, so I was working hard to do that. 2 weeks ago we went out for her birthday and I got drunk for the first time in a while. I was stupid again but this time it made her cry, and her sister was present. The days after were terrible, I didn’t grovel but I was anxious about her ending it. On the Tuesday and Wednesday she started to loosen up a bit, told me she missed me “annoyingly”, loved me, and couldnt wait to see me on Friday. When Friday came around she was in tears, telling me she was heartbroken, I knew what was coming. She told me she focuses too much on how I am, and never on how she’s feeling herself. She worries about my mental health too much, after I’ve told her multiple times I am not a suicide risk, I just have MINOR issues with self worth. I challenged her on her decision, as she didn’t seem like she wanted to break up. She remained silent, in tears, and told me she wish she didn't come round and gave it more time. She also told me she’d probably regret it next week and miss me. She also said she would “wait for me” to get in a better headspace (we’re not in a movie?). She also said that people break up and get back together all the time. I just didn’t think she wanted to do it. After she left I text her to say I’d give her the space and time, but 4 days later she doubled down and said she still stands by her decision. I’m just taking it as done, but I am SO confused. Thoughts?

[Oliverlogan263]

Woah dude, that's super confusing. It sounds like she really cares about you but is also really struggling with how to handle your insecurities. Crying that much when breaking up means she still has strong feelings. Maybe she's hoping a break will help you work on yourself without the pressure of the relationship. It's good you agreed to give her space. Girls can overthink things for sure. It might be that in a few weeks when she's not so emotional, you could check in and see how she's feeling. Make it clear you want to respect her decision but also want to hear if anything has changed for her. Don't beg or plead too much though, that'll just push her away. Just say you care about her and want to make it work if she's open to trying again once you've had time to improve. Then give it some time - work on yourself like you said you would, and maybe things will calm down and she'll realize what she's missing. Don't lose hope yet man.

[Asker]

Appreciate this brother. I can’t keep hope because it hurts too much. I think the moment she moves on, that will be my closure. I’ll give her space for a few weeks and maybe get in touch in the new year. I just worry if I keep it too long she’s going to start forgetting me (which is ridiculous I know). She really loved me, and I know she’s missing me (she told me she would), I wish she wasn’t so stubborn with herself. I just hope I can earn her trust again. She told me she could never see herself looking at another man after I brought up dating apps (as a joke).

[Oliverlogan263]

Damn man, I feel you. Breakups are the worst. A few more thoughts:

- It's totally normal to want closure, but don't put that pressure on being with someone new. Let her live her own life too.

- A few weeks of space is smart. The new year is a good time to check in casually without seeming clingy before then.

- People say all sorts of stuff in the heat of the moment. Try not to read too much into specific comments.

- Focus on yourself in the meantime - hit the gym, hang with the boys, pick up a new hobby. Don't just sit around moping, you know?

- If it's meant to be, she'll come around in her own time. But you can't control her or force anything either.

- Don't lose hope, but don't pin it all on getting back together either. Go with the flow and see what happens.

Chin up brother. Sounds like you really cared about each other so maybe there's a chance down the road once the dust settles. But give her breathing room for now and keep living your life too - that's the best way to show her you've grown like she wanted. You've got this!