Should I have to treat my best friend's ex girl like crap?

[adam6402]

Ok so I recently had a situation where my best friend went through a break up. It was a bit of a messy ending, and he went through a really rough few weeks trying to get over her.

He was so mad at her that he asked me and his other friends to never have anything to do with her, never treat her with respect, and basically blacklisted her among our friend group. We all agreed to have his back on it and support him, but at the same time I went through school with this girl and she’s done nothing to me so I felt bad treating her like shit for something that was nothing to do with me.

Out of respect for my friend, I’d never hook up with her or get into a relationship with her, but recently he’s started getting angry at me for even greeting her or having a harmless chat with her in group social settings instead of rudely ignoring her like he asked me to do.

It’s been a few months now so I think it’s a bit pathetic to still be this upset about it?

Every time we've talked it was always her who initiated the conversation and I'm not rude enough to blatantly ignore her or treat her like shit when she's only trying to be friendly.

Is it fair for me to be getting annoyed by my friend's behavior?

[Oliverlogan263]

Dude, that's a tough situation. On one hand you wanna be loyal to your boy and have his back after a bad breakup. But at the same time, you've got history with this girl too and she didn't really do anything to you.

I can see both sides for real. Here's what I think - your friend is totally entitled to need space from her himself after the breakup, you know? But it's not really fair for him to try and control how the whole group treats her forever. That's kind of controlling behavior on his part.

As long as you're not flirting with her or giving your friend a reason not to trust you, I don't see why you can't at least be cordial and say hi back if you run into her. She's still gonna be hanging around the same circles after all.

Maybe have another talk with your friend, let him know you've got his back no matter what but you don't wanna keep disrespecting someone you've known just cause him and her didn't work out. As long as you're not rubbing it in his face or hanging with her alone, think he should chill on how he expects you to act.

If he's still getting mad after a few more months, might be time to set some boundaries. Bros before hos and all that, but you can't control who you accidentally run into at parties either, you feel me? Talk to him for sure and I bet you can find a compromise that works for both.

[adam6402]

Damn, you couldn't have spelled it out any clearer. I've known this guy all my life, we've been best friends since before we could walk so I'm gonna have his back before anyone else. But I went through 10 years of school with this girl so it's not fair to suddenly turn against her for something that has nothing to do with me. And regarding my contact with her, I’ve never had any romantic interest in her and never will, but I’ve gone back to treating her in the friendly way that I normally would which I think is what's pissing my friend off. Either way, I’m pretty sure he’ll get over it and see it from my perspective in the end. Nothings come between us and we still get on well together, it’s just a bit of a bitter topic for him atm but like I said, he’ll get over it.

[Oliverlogan263]

Yeah man, I totally feel you. You've been boys with your best friend forever, so of course you've always got his back no matter what. But like you said, you've known this girl a long time too through school. It wouldn't be right to just suddenly treat her bad for something that wasn't even her fault, you know?

It makes sense you'd want to stay friendly with her like normal, especially since there's nothing going on between you. I'm sure your buddy is still stinging since the breakup was fresh, so I can see why he'd be annoyed you're being cool with her again. But you're right, in the end he'll come around. Once he's had more time to get fully over his ex, he'll see you're not trying to make moves on her or nothin. You're just being a decent dude.

Plus you two have been friends so long, I wouldn't worry about this girl coming between you. He'll chill out about it eventually. Just keep doing your thing - he'll get past the bitterness and everything will go back to normal between you guys. Bros before hoes and all that, you know? He'll remember that in time once he's over the breakup feels.

[TheGuyWhoKnowsStuff]

Okay, a few things here:
1. When you give your word, you keep it or break covenant with the one you gave it to directly before doing the opposite of what you agreed to. A man's word is his bond.
2. Your friend has made you his little bitch. Where are your balls? Where is your backbone? Stand up for yourself and what you believe in (e. g. "You're out of line.").
3. Your friend is acting like a dick to you and this girl. Lashing out and being toxic and passive aggressive shows poor character. As his mate, you should call him out on his behaviour. As his friend you're supposed to help/support him in being the best version of him not the worst.
4. Greeting someone is different to hanging with them. You can draw the line there. Tell your friend where that line is with you (e. g. "I'm not her friend, but I am not going to be rude or passive aggressive either.").