Career Dating: Landing The Ideal Relationship Is Similar to Landing Your Dream Job

Career Dating: Landing The Ideal Relationship Is Similar to Landing Your Dream Job

Let's face it... landing your dream job is not easy. A lot of effort, thought, hard work, charisma and a little bit of luck must be included in the equation for most of us to find the exact employment situation we desire. As a former National Director of Human Resources who has interviewed hundreds of eager candidates and someone in a successful marriage for the last decade, I know a little about both what it takes to land the position of a lifetime and what it takes to land the relationship of a lifetime.

Career Dating: Landing The Ideal Relationship Is Similar to Landing Your Dream Job

You may be asking, "How can finding a job be related to dating?" It's simple: The same set of skills required to land that dream job are often the same skills needed to land your dream relationship. Yes, there is a way to position yourself to have the best possible shot at finding the man or woman of your dreams, and I want to share it with you.

1. Define What You Want - During the interviewing process, I would occasionally meet a candidate who applied for a specific job with no clue of what the actual day-to-day duties would be. Often, when they found out the job requirements, they were no longer interested in that actual job. Essentially, the person wasted both my time and theirs. Clearly, if this person had first taken the time to research the position and defined what he/she desired, they would have a much greater likelihood of finding suitable employment. Dating is no different. You must know what you want in order to get what you want and to avoid wasting your own precious time. This means having a clear picture of what a successful relationship looks like for you. Take the time to think about what you are looking for in a partner. Get as detailed and specific as possible. When you know what you are looking for, finding the "right one" becomes much more likely.

Career Dating: Landing The Ideal Relationship Is Similar to Landing Your Dream Job

2. It Takes Effort! - Most people who are happy in both their job and profession will attest to the fact that getting there required a lot of work. Typically, it takes completing some type of education or skill training, gaining experience by serving in a lower position for a period of time, and the effort of actually going through the application and interviewing processes. Most of these steps are not easy.

Dating should be no different. Obtaining the relationship of our dreams requires effort! Please don't misunderstand this point. I do NOT endorse dishonesty in the pursuit of a relationship. I do, however, believe that intentionally putting effort into the pursuit of a relationship typically yields positive results. When we take the time to show-up for dates, take a chance on asking people out, and place effort into listening and comparing what we hear with the vision of what we want, we have a much greater chance of eventually finding a fulfilling relationship.

3. Be Prepared to Play the Numbers Game - Most people understand that finding their dream job must include playing the numbers game. This is why when looking for employment, most of us will apply for more than one job. We will continue accepting interviews, even after our first one. We are willing to gamble to find the best gig we can get. Dating should be no different.

In order to land that fulfilling relationship for which we are searching, we must be willing to try and try again. Most of us will NOT land our dream relationship with the first person we date. As we continue dating, however, we often find that we get closer and closer to the mark for which we are searching.

Career Dating: Landing The Ideal Relationship Is Similar to Landing Your Dream Job

The concept of playing the numbers game should also be applied to asking someone out on a date. The more people a person asks, the higher their probability of getting to "Yes!"

4. Expect & Accept Rejection, and Then Turn It Into Opportunity - Throughout my career, I have turned down countless more people than I have hired. Even if I only interviewed three people for each open position, it means that 66.7% of the people I interviewed were rejected (this often was closer to 90% in reality). Going back to the concept of Playing the Numbers Game, the reason the numbers game is necessary is because typically rejection is encountered during the pursuit of success.

Career Dating: Landing The Ideal Relationship Is Similar to Landing Your Dream Job

My husband often claims that for every 10 girls he asked out, only 2-3 would say yes. When I asked him about how this made him feel, he told me that because it was the expectation and he was focused on the prize at the end of the task, he never took it personally. Understanding that the probability of encountering someone who is not a match for you is higher than the probability of encountering someone who is a great match for you can make it much easier to deal with the rejection experienced throughout the process.

Rejection provides us with opporutnity. Don't roll your eyes just yet... When someone applies for ten jobs and does not receive a call back, it stings. Typically, however, the individual who has failed to land an interview will take the time to reflect on what he/she is doing wrong. Is it my resume? Am I not interviewing well? Am I applying for jobs for which I am not qualified? Answering these questions provides the opportunity for refinement. Changes are made to ensure a better outcome, often leading to the overall betterment of the individual who was rejected.

Rejection received throughout the dating process also provides the opportunity for introspection and growth. Am I coming on too strongly? Am I too clingy? Am I choosing the wrong type of individual to date? The realizations that result from this introspection can help form a person into someone much better equipped for finding and keeping the relationship for which he/she is truly searching.

Career Dating: Landing The Ideal Relationship Is Similar to Landing Your Dream Job

5. Know Your Worth - At some point during the interview process, the question of salary would always rear its head. The answer the candidate gave would always give me a clear indication that they fell into one of a three different categories:

... First, my personal favorite, the person who underestimates his/her worth. I loved these candidates because they gave me the ability to be a hero. I could hire them for less than what I would pay anyone else with their particular skill set to do the same job, making their manager and my company very happy with the outcome.You do not want to emerge as the person who undervalues themselves on dating scene. It will result in settling for a person who invests less in the relationship than what you deserve.

... Occasionally when trying to fill a position, I would encounter the person who overestimate his/her worth based on their experience and skill set. I would NEVER hire these individuals, regardless of their qualifications. The reason why did not only relate to money, it also stemmed from an innate understanding that the organization would never be able to make and keep this individual happy. Being the person who overestimates their worth on the dating scene leads to a lack of dates and shorter relationships because most people realize that they will have to invest far too much to keep you satisfied.

... Most candidates I interviewed fell into this last category: The person who has no concept of his/her value. When the question of salary would arise, these candidates would freeze like a deer in headlights before answering with something like: "I don't know... Whatever the position pays. I can be flexible." The person with no concept of their value comes across as lacking confidence. Hence, I always offered them less than a candidate with confidence would receive. This is no different on the dating scene. If you leave it to someone else to define your worth, you will always be left with less than you desire, and often less than you deserve.

Fortunately for me, I DID land the relationship of my dreams, but the path to it was not perfect. Before finding my current spouse, I married and divorced. Although it was painful, the whole process helped me to identify what I wanted. It made me certain of what I absolutely did NOT want, which led to the realization of what I DID want. It helped me learn that not every attempt at a relationship would result in success, and how to turn the realizations from my failure into opportunities to form a better relationship in the future. Finally, it taught me a lot about my value, because I understood that I was worth immensely more than what I settled on the first time around (a man who constantly cheated on me and was unwilling to contribute emotionally, physically, or financially). When I started treating dating in a similar way to finding a great job, I ended up with the relationship I had always hoped I would find. I have now been married to my best friend for the last decade. We have two beautiful children together and are still immensely attracted to one another.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Cool myTake... congrats on your dream relationship! Jim Beam has been keeping me company lately... Maybe i am bi ha.

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    • @coachTamthony, You are hilarious. Thank you for keeping it real and making me giggle.

Most Helpful Girl

  • The salary issue is more about either not knowing about what jobs like the one you're interviewing for pay or not wanting to quote too high so that you quote yourself out of consideration. I always look at sites like PayScale to try to see what the salary range is for positions, but I live in a low cost of living area and the salaries are often not there for my area but are for higher-cost areas. I don't always know a reasonable estimation based on other cities. It's different when you make a move that's basically lateral, but that's not always what's happening.

    As for this overall analogy, a lot of people today basically know what's in this MyTake but just don't want to work for a relationship or IN a relationship. The difference between dream jobs and dream relationships is most of us HAVE to have a job. Like, I have no dream job anymore. If it were up to me, I wouldn't work. I know that sounds bad to a lot of people, but it's true. There are different careers that seem interesting, but not enough for the money/effort it'd take to switch. I tolerate jobs for the necessities of life. Similarly, the way I feel about relationships now is the dream is nice but I don't have to have it, so the effort it takes is not worth it.

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What Guys Said 26

  • I enjoyed this myTake, just as I enjoy most analogies. :)

    Unless you simply want a warm body, "Knowing What You Want" and "The Numbers Game" are mitigating concepts. The better you get at knowing what you want, the smaller the number of prospective matches.

    The more specific you are about what you want (and are willing to accept), the fewer "numbers" you are willing to play.

    "The Numbers Game" can also become a tool for determining what you want, what's available, and what your value is. If you're in the dating market and have high value, chances are you won't need to play many numbers before finding that which you want.

    Unfortunately, if you are not of high value, The Numbers Game will crush your soul. It was a negotiating game. Eventually I reached my bottom - that place where I vowed I would never go - and for the past two years, I've been MGTOW.

    Once you eventually understand what you want, what you are capable of, and what you are willing to do to get what you want, you might realize there is no Venn in that diagram. All of these bubbles are drifting apart. You take a low-level clerk job in the cafeteria of The Darwin Corporation. You're not happy, but it's as close as you're going to get to happy.

    www.brainpickings.org/.../charlesdarwin1.jpg

    A very rich analogy! :) Thanks for writing it.

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    • I must admit that you seem very intelligent. The MGTOW movement is something that I only learned of last week, but it is extremely disheartening to me. I am not certain if the lack of humanity involved in online dating has changed the dating scene so much or if gender relations have truly become intolerable for many. When I was dating, you met people face to face. You knew that you would often be rejected... maybe they were already in a relationship, maybe they were taking a break from dating, or maybe they just weren't into you, but you used the opportunity to network and make friends. It seems like today, people are terrified of rejection and devastated by it. Again, I am only vaguely familiar with MGTOW, so maybe I simply have a lack of information.

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    • ... thing I have found is that when men have feelings too, they are told to suck it up and be a man and not have feelings.

      When you look around GAG, too, you'll find a lot of anger towards feminists. While I believe that advancements for women and steps towards equality have made life better for everybody, second- or third-wave feminism has probably fostered a lot of misandry. I have wondered lately if women even like men anymore, or if they view them as something to be used to impress their girlfriends.

      Are you familiar with this book/author?

      www.npr.org/.../hookup-culture-the-unspoken-rules-of-sex-on-college-campuses

  • landing your dream job is not easy. Really? It was pretty easy for me, guess it depends on what you want to do.

    And no I don't really find the two similar really, nice mytake, I don't share the viewpoint though.

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  • Lol, this isn't new. As I always see similarities in getting a job and getting girlfriend. If you fit a girl's list of job requirements, then you will get the job, er, I mean the girl.

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  • I totally agree with this parallelism ! And last but not least, as at job... a couple must not forget that we need to find the best side of the moon even when days are not very nice !

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  • Yeah, 'cept if you want a career with IBM or Google, you know where to go. To find the right person, that is a mystery.

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  • I agree. Nice take :)

    But call me weird, to me, dream job >>> dream girl.

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  • Great take. For years I've been comparing dating and getting into a relationship as finding a job.

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  • Both tap into the 'Sliding Doors' concept, aka:

    Right place, right time or a second removed wrong place, wrong time

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  • All spot on! I was going to write a Take about the similarities between dating, and a career in sales. You hit all of the points I was going to hit, especially about the 'numbers game'.

    Too many young guys try to shoot for a high success rate, waiting for "the perfect moment" to ask out the VERY FEW girls he chooses to make a move on. I think for these guys, the idea of going for a high success rate make these guys feel good self-esteem wise.

    But that style almost always fails, because he usually waits too long to make a move on her.

    While a guy like me, will meet her, ask for her contact info the FIRST time I meet her.

    A common line I use is "I'll prolly never see you again and you seem chill; what's your phone number?" To the point, truthful, honest, and genuine... and it does work. #BelieveThat

    ---

    Now I don't have to write that Take now! :-D

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  • "It takes effort" alone is enough reason to not bother and just get Backpage girls while letting the "dream job" be applying for welfare once a year.

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  • Astute article. Honestly, I can visualize this scenario, not too sure if I "agree" but I'll leave it at I agree to disagree

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  • It's hard to know my worth when I'm shy and hard on myself all the time.

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  • Nice mytake This is so true my cousin met her husband in the airforce.

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  • Nice mytake very motivational.

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  • very positive. I am sure you have great thoughts babe Ashelee

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  • Just gonna point out that you, (the female, and the interviewer) are giving advice on how we (potential interviewees, males) should act.
    A bit ironical? Yup.
    Informative and helpful? Actually yes.

    Do you have any idea how it feels to be in our position tough? Absolutely not.

    On a sidenote: your husbands success rate seems to be pretty accurate with most men. 2-3 out of 10 is like an average for most men, accordibg to friends and personal experience. For ltr it seems to be almost universal. For hookups there is a bigger range, average is still 2-3, higher value men get 4-6 , and top tiers can get 7 or 8 on a good day.
    Below average guys get 1 or zero, which can be pretty mich of a buzzkill no matter how mich you might be used to it. Those guys pretty much give up, and only try occasionally.

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    • Hi! Thanks for the information. Of course I do not know what it feels like to be male. I can only write from my perspective. This was not written as advice solely to males, as I have seen many women posting that they can not handle the rejection involved with dating, just as I have seen the same from many men.

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    • No worries. Thanks for taking the time to share your point of view in an intelligent way. 👍🏻

  • I agree great take

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  • Nice points, lol at the survey after rejection

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  • Great take!!

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  • Sounds fun

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  • Nice mytake😄

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  • thanks

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  • the first date is kinda like an interview

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  • How do I come to terms with despite going through all the steps you've mentioned, I'm just not the type of guy that girls fancy, date and fall in love with.

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    • I honestly feel that this goes back to playing the numbers. There is someone (and often more than one someone) for everyone. Some people just have to look a little harder to find it. I know that isn't a truly comforting answer, but I think it is true.

  • I agree with "Know your Worth" People who don't will never find anyone

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  • I agree great take.

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What Girls Said 7

  • Another great MyTake by you! You have so much helpful advice, I hope you keep writing these

    One of the biggest problems I've seen with other people's relationships is that they don't know what they want and aren't willing to put in the effort to keep it. I agree those are extremely important if you want something long-term. Obviously playing the numbers and experiencing rejection are required if you actually want to find someone in the first place. And knowing your worth is another big one I see that prevents people from having an attractive personality. People who know their worth are attractive because it gives them confidence and esteem. Too little or too much can be a bad sign for how you can emotionally handle life events

    But I do have to say I've had much better luck finding a decent job than a decent boyfriend... Maybe because the former is a necessity, so I'm willing to compromise more to pay bills

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    • @Idonthaveausername, Thank you for the compliment! I think most of us would have an easier time finding the right job than the right relationship, provided we aren't applying for something we are. Or qualified to do. It is all about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs... It is much easier to compromise on something when we know we have to do so to eat and survive than to do so for companionship. Honestly, had my husband not moved into the apartment across the hall from mine on the same day I moved in, and if he did not have the tolerance of a saint, I probably would not be in the same position.

    • Excuse my typos... I need to upgrade to a phone with a larger keyboard.

  • And the reverse is true as well. You also need a work environment that is fulfilling, nurturing, and feels secure in order to be the most productive. And the two are often intertwined. We spend half of our lives at work, which is why your job will often affect your relationship in many ways. Money, sleep habits, splitting of the chore/errand loads, time spent together, etc.

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  • Great mytake. Very good points and so much truth.

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  • so true

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  • This is a really basic question but how do I figure out exactly what I want? I have an idea but I don't know if it's enough or too much.

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    • Start by making a list of things that you don't want... soon enough, you will be able to PINPOINT what you DO want.

  • So I'm going to die single and unemployed :(

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  • Nice take

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