“Oh, we’re just friends.”
As a guy who's trying his best to attract this one special girl, don’t you hate hearing those words?!
It turns a friendship platonic, impotent and limp.
It makes your lust for her seem so inappropriate.
We all know how this goes:
1) You meet a beautiful woman but you’re too scared to ask her out.
2) You play it safe and end up becoming good friends.
3) You secretly have a huge crush on her but you don’t know how to tell her, and the last thing you want to do is ruin the friendship.
4) You suddenly get the courage to tell her how you feel. Perhaps you write her a pathetic love letter thinking it would be romantic. Perhaps you get drunk one night and make your move only to get the embarrassing brush off. Perhaps you do nothing and you continue to stew in your own self-made prison we call the friends zone.
In almost every scenario you end up rejected, embarrassed, or suppressed.
Whats the best way to move forward?
Well it took me MANY years to figure it out, but hopefully you’ll be wise enough to pay attention to my timely advice.
Step 1: Stop Everything You’re Doing.
Before you destroy any possibility with this girl you MUST stop what you’re doing.
Here is a simple DO NOT DO list:
– DO NOT tell her how you’re feeling. At least not with words. This includes love letters, well-written music, or drunken confessions. This will only creep her out, and will destroy her trust in you.
– DO NOT continue to hang out with her like she’s just a buddy. For the moment, stop doing all the friend things that you’re doing. I’ll explain why in the next few steps.
– DO NOT explain why you’re suddenly acting so differently. She must never suspect you’re trying something new. She will definitely FEEL that you’re being different but you must never confirm or deny this to her. It’ll only add mystery to the equation, and thats a good thing. (This doesn’t mean you’re suddenly a dink, it simply means you’re changing gears for the moment.)
– Stop showering her with your attention, gifts, compliments and affection. These things only work if you’re already dating, or just friends.
She will never logically decide to feel attraction for you, so you must start to communicate directly to her unconscious. This is why words won’t do; only actions and behaviors will have the right impact.
Step 2: Get Educated.
Understanding the basics of Attraction and Rapport is the foundation of getting past the Just Friends stage of relating.
I won’t go into the ridiculous details like I do in my free online course (How To Escape The Friendzone) or the book I've written by the same name, but I’ll give you some basics: all romantic relationships seem to transverse universal steps: Attraction, Rapport, and Intimacy.
Simply learning that these steps exist will get you in the game, instead of sidelined confused and upset.
If you’re currently already good friends with this woman then you’re currently already relating with each other. This means you skipped the Attraction and Intimacy stages, which are about tension and passion. Your new job is to redevelop those other stages.
Step 3: Create Attraction (By Leading.)
A huge reason you’ve end up being just friends with a woman is because you skipped the ATTRACTION STAGE and went straight into the RAPPORT STAGE.
What you’ve failed to understand is that women aren’t attracted to you because of what you’re doing or saying, but because of who you’re BEING.
You need to start BEING attractive instead of BEING safe and friendly.
Odds are you’ve ended up following her around like a little puppy dog. This has got to stop. Instead you must learn to take the LEAD and hope that she’ll follow you.
If she trusts you she’ll follow you.
ATTRACTION is about tension and flirting and sexual danger, while RAPPORT is about sameness, connection, and loosening tension. Friends share rapport, so being friendly builds rapport.
Perhaps you’ve mistakenly feared upsetting her by coming onto her, and so you've been not yourself... you've been overly nice instead of flirty and sexually expressive.
Let me be the guy who tells you a secret.. it's OKAY to be attracted to a woman, it's okay to want to have sex with her, and it's okay to express those feelings when the situation is appropriate. The problem is that if she only sees you as a friend then along the way you forgot to express your true sexual or romantic interest.
And now you’re stuck in the androgynous purgatory of being just friends with her.
So now you have to BREAK OUT of this purgatory.
Easy ways to start breaking rapport and building tension:
– Playfully tease her about things she’s confident in (if she knows she has a great body, then tease her about how unattractive you find her. Just remember that this only works if she KNOWS you’re teasing her, and if she is truly confident about herself. Don’t tease an insecure model about being fat, because you’ll ruin the poor girl.) For example, I have this friend who I love teasing about her ridiculous huge purses. She knows I'm kidding, but I enjoy coming up with names for them. For example, her newest purse looks like an enormous horse vagina its all leathery and floppy and gross.
Another example... I was messaging this cute girl on tinder and she told me she was Polynesian to which I said, "OMG, I'm sooo sorry! Is there nothing the doctors can do for you?!"
– Role-play with her, while always assuming she’s making sexual innuendos. This is about being fun, while also helping her to associate you with sexual banter.
Next time she says "Well, it’s getting late, time for bed, " you can say, "Wow, I don’t even know if I find you sexy yet and you want to jump right into bed eh? Well only if you keep the lights off."
Next time the two of you are eating out together say this to waiter, "Can you please give us your most romantic table? Its our one year anniversary!" You'd be surprised at how often the waiter will treat you to something free to celebrate, plus it gets you role-playing together. It makes you two in on the joke, like a team. And it implies you'll be together for at least another year.
– Say No to everything she says, suggests, or asks. This is a simple way to break rapport. If she says, Let's have dinner tonight at 6 then you say, "No. But I can pick you up at 6:30. And wear those cute jeans that make your butt look great."
If she says, "Who were you out with last night?" you say, "Oh nobody you know, but I can promise you she was HOT! " then wink, and refuse to elaborate.
– Only give her one compliment. If you’re secretly into her then you’re likely giving her way too many compliments. Especially when she’s looking for them. Instead open your evening with, "Hey, you actually look pretty good tonight" almost like you’re being sarcastic. But then drop it like it's hot.
– Lead by being assertive. Don’t ask for her permission to do or say things. Don’t waste her time with "Well, what do YOU want to eat?" Instead make suggestions, "Lets go to that new place downtown, I hear they have great Chinese food. I’ll pick you up at 6." It's your job to make the plans and help them happen. Take her by the hand figuratively and lead her on this fun date!
Step 4: Meet Other Women.
At first this seems counter conductive but its not. Its POWERFUL.
To get that one girl you have force yourself to practice being good with all girls. So date more!
One reason you might be stuck with this girl is because you’re suffering from oneitis. The deadly disease that causes you to only have passions for one woman because you’ve fooled yourself into thinking she’s unique, special and one-of-a-kind.
If your mind is messed up with this one girl, then you need to get distracted OR brought back to reality. There are many other women who are just as happy to be your special girl. Go meet some of them.
there's nothing quite as attractive as a man other women want to be with. Its called social proof and its amazingly effective at helping a girl to notice you.
Plus, the more women you practice your flirting with, the better you’ll be at it. You don’t want to test your skills on the woman you REALLY want until you feel confident in your delivery and body language.
So go out and date everything.
Step 5: Escalate.
The real reason you’re in this mess is because you didn’t have the balls to make your move on the first date.
Why haven’t you tried kissing her yet? You were scared of rejection. You were scared of losing her attention. You were scared.
But guess what?
There are really three possible outcomes if you try to make things happen with her:
1) She likes it and returns your interest.
2) She doesn’t like it and feels flattered by your advances and you remain good friends.
3) She doesn’t like it and feels you can’t be friends anymore (very unlikely unless you shoved your hands down her pants.)
Seducing a friend into a lover is a lot like boiling a live frog.... you can't just toss her into a pot of boiling water, she’ll jump out. Instead you must turn up the heat slowly so that she doesn’t even notice until its too late (you’re married.)
You must escalate your sexual relationship slowly so that she can feel comfortable with each stage.
This is why there are 5 steps. The first 4 steps help stop her assumptions that you’re just friends without freaking her out.
This last step is all about taking action... the action you neglected at the start of the relationship.
Finally, pick a night you can both hang together and escalate:
– Pick a night for food and drinks. Call her up and ask her if she’s busy Thursday night from 6 till 10 because you have some fun plans for just the two of you. She’ll want to know more, but refuse to tell her because it’ll make it less fun.
– Suggest what she should wear. This is a fun one. Simply say, Can you wear those ridiculous jeans you have that make your ass look great, and cute top, and some comfy casual shoes.
– Pick her up. This helps put you in the position of driver, and invites her to follow your lead. Its subtle but it counts.
– Touch her all night. Give her a bug hug hello. Help her out of the car by offering her your hand. Help her step up the curb by offering her hand. Carefully pull some link from her hair. Guide her to your restaurant table by giving her your arm (like a gentleman.) Before the food comes give her a fake-palm reading session where you can comfortably hold her hands on the table while you playfully touch them and caress them.
– Whisper once in her ear. Say nothing about her appearance until the middle of your date. Then you should suddenly lean across the table, slowly like you know a secret that you don’t want the waiter to know, and wait until she pulls in close, then whisper in her ear with as much hot breath as possible, "You seriously look amazing tonight in your dress, I could just eat you for desert. " Then lean back and keep eating like you said nothing special.
– Be Playful. Google fun dating games and you’ll discover a world of fun games you can play with her. My favorite is the Questions game. Basically these are the rules. 1) You can ask any question in the WORLD, but you can’t ask a question that’s already been asked. 2) You can't lie.. if you don’t want to share that’s fine, but you can't lie. 3) She goes first.
Good questions you can ask before her: How many women have you slept with? She’ll laugh and say, “None, how many have you slept with?” to which you say, “Oh, rule number one! You can’t ask that, I already did!”
– Once she’s shown you three signs of interest, it’s time to kiss her.
Here are some typical indicators of interest:
- She hits your arm a lot when you make her laugh (cause you’re teasing her.)
- She leans into your body when you lean away from hers.
- She reciprocates physical contact, by holding your hand, hugging you back, and even whispering in your ear.
- She gives you compliments.
- She laughs a little too much at your jokes.
- She gives you good eye contact.
- She’s willing to join you on a mysterious adventure of any kind, including the dinner you’ve invited her on.
- She tells you dirty secrets about herself when playing the Questions Game. She might even say, I can't believe Im telling you this.
- She finds reasons to touch your arm, legs, shoulders, or chest.
. - She gives you a lot of her attention.
The key here is to kiss her right after you both share a great laugh.
There are two mindsets you can have:
MINDSET 1) She’s a beautiful female friend who you’ll eventually seduce, and therefore you’ll always be happy to spend time with, but you’ll always be leading and escalating when appropriate (respecting the boundaries she gives you.) Think of Larry from Threes Company. The girls knew he was always trying to get into their pants, but he had fun with it (non-threatening.)
MINDSET 2) She’s just a friend and will always be just a friend. You can still enjoy the sexual energy she inspires within you without spending time fantasizing about getting her. This is also a healthy alternative. The wrong mindset is one that leaves you alone each night thinking about her.
You’d be amazed at how great women are at changing their minds based on how they feel so its up to you to seduce her emotional body by LEADING and ESCALATING.
I wish you the breast of luck!
P.S. I've spent years writing and creating video courses on the topic of women and dating, so please check out my Author's Page for links and more info!