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Dating 110: The Art of Seduction


(What Really Matters to a Woman)

This is not about manipulation or coercion. It's about how to understand them, and yes, influence the situation to increase the odds in your favour.

Some questions that came to mind as I thought of writing this:

Am I betraying my gender by revealing such things? (Not sure. TBD.)

Is this sexist? (Not if I make the disclaimer that many of these very same things could also likely apply to a man.)

Is this new information, organized into one place, from one voice, or is this redundant and rehashed shite? (I have no idea. But as the internet is ever-growing, and the Sys Admins behind the scenes are forever finding new ways to add efficiency and build out system storage requirements... ah, screw it. It's got room for one more take.)

Dating 110: The Art of Seduction

So, let's begin with What Do Women Want?

She Wants to Feel Special 🎯

She's asking herself, 'Why me? Am I unique? Am I held at a higher state, or am I just one of many?' She knows when you're playing a numbers game. She senses it. When she doesn't know, when she's still assessing, she's wary, cagey. What are your intentions? What is it that you want? You may have to pay for the sins of your peers. (You are connected, yet separate.) Or you may be acting inconsistent, dodgy. She's reacting to you. Or she's reacting to her past. Are you decisive? Are you unclear? Are you being careful, because, or until, you know how she feels? Are you hesistant to go all in, until you find out more, gather more data points? Are you worried about imploding a relationship, perhaps a friendship, that is already important to you, that you want to make more? You must choose her, and she must feel that. Or forget it.

'How do I make her feel special?' You have to get to know her, and you have to be specific in what you say. This requires listening ('active listening'), really observing and paying attention, and then giving her feedback about what you have heard and observed. The more generic statements you make to her, the more time you waste. The more specific, the more trust you build and gain.

Time ⏰

I won't waste time explaining time. Put the time in. It's not based simply on a total number of hours shared. It's an impossible to deconstruct, single, or surefire formula of time invested. Every phone call, every text, every day that goes by, is being consciously, or subconsciously, recorded, felt. Every story she tells, heartache or problem she shares, is being calculated, tallied. Every woman is different, every man is different, every relationship is different. But trust me, it's an investment, and she is paying attention.

(And you don't need to comment to me about wasted time and being ultimately vanquished to the dreaded 'friend zone.' I know it's a problem, a hazard, and I've fully explored the topic, trust me. I feel your pain.

Genuine, Authentic, Not Forced, Appreciation 💐

Here's a key phrase: 'Girls want attention. Women want respect.' Girls may be influenced by their first and memorable "You're so beautiful", or maybe "You're so hot", but honestly, that's surface level. As they mature and gain wisdom, it won't be enough. They need more.

Not every woman in the world is looking for equality, respect, but my belief is that they will eventually, it's just a matter of time. Progress takes time. Why? Because everyone wants respect. Everyone. To deny that, is to deny a basic principle of what it is to be human. We all have our domains where we succeed and thrive, but respect and appreciation are paramount in all healthy relationships.

If in doubt, approach her as if she is a man (a man you like and respect, and see as your equal, your peer.) If you do that, you won't be wrong. But if you approach her as someone different, but on an equal level to you, she will likely appreciate this even more. Does your behaviour change around women? Around her? This is gold. An adaptation, an effort, even if only slight, is noticed, and appreciated.

You Don't Need a Psychology Degree, But You'd Better Understand That This is a Psychological Venture You're Embarking On 🧠

Psychological stimulation is essential for women. Quite simply, if you are not providing women with the psychological stimulation they want and need, you will be incapable of satisfying them. Is that easy? No. Is it fair? I don't know. It just is. She must lower her expectations when they become unrealistic, untenable, but you must also at least try to rise up to meet them. A woman's desire begins with the psyche, the mind, travels to the heart, and terminates between her legs. If you play your cards right, just the mere hearing of your voice will cause a pulsing, and eventually wetness, in the most private place.

Men can have their attention focused elsewhere, and then see something, or be touched in a special way, and their desire is almost instantaneous (potentially.) Their mind can recalibrate in a fraction of the time of a woman's (not just any woman, at any time, irrespective of the man's relationship to her, or practicalities, or environmental conditions, obviously), but generally speaking, arousal is fast and far less complicated (though what you decide to do about it is another matter entirely.) Women, in contrast, require a whole host of variables to align, before the green light turns on and it's all systems go. Is it infuriating, maddening? Yes, I'm sure it is. It's like going through a series of doors, one after another, and behind any door can be a Whammy (that's a powerful or unpleasant consequence) and then the entire system unexpectedly powers down. 'The way is shut.' But just know that her body's reaction is always second to her mind. Always.

She Wants to Feel Desired. Really Desired 🔥

Every romance story and erotic novel has one commonality at its core - the man is so overcome with desire for her, he cannot control himself, and he will give up anything, everything, just to be with her (it’s always specific to her. She is the exception.) Women want to be the object of your desire. You desiring her, with that much intensity, can be enough to turn her on. (Sometimes this is not the case, true, but what is also true is that quite often men underestimate their power, their influence in this.) As much as she wants to be carried away, and follow her baser carnal desires, in general, it is just too concerning, too dangerous. She wants to feel chosen. And once she is chosen, desired. Your desire singles her out, holds her distinct, above. I'm sure that all men also desire this, crave this, but unfortunately one of your plights, being male, is she is selective; she is in a position of saying 'no' (or 'yes'), of choosing. But in the throws of passion, in the bedroom, her other inhibitions, worries, fears, etc. rise up again, and unfortunately for you, they manifest in her not fully, without reservation, giving herself to you, to the experience.

Now she worries, 'Is my body good enough?', 'Am I just someone good enough, someone to fill in the night, until he finds who he really wants?', 'Does he think less of me because I said yes?' and on and on and on. You worry about performance (because without you, and your efficiently-functioning equipment, the deed would not be done), but she worries about herself, and your desire for her. I believe this can be distilled down to the mechanics of sex. She can be fearful, emotionally timid, not entirely psychologically present; you must be 'in the game', fully present, or it all falls flat. Is this the reason that your desire for her is so pivotal to hers? Well, I guess this + your, in general, more potent desire... I suspect could be at the root of her wanting, needing, to know that you chose her.

If You Respect Her, You Can Get Dirty With Her ⚡

Most women don't want you to see them as, or call them, slut, whore, etc., but there is a subtle but significant difference in the addition of the word 'my.' While in all other contexts I condemn the use of any term that designates ownership, in the bedroom, in relationships, 'my [fill in the blank - such as girl]' does feel different (I'm sure you feel it too.) It denotes something I can only say must relate to monogamy, exclusivity, a desire to be 'the one' of choice. Everyone wants to be chosen.

The above-mentioned pejoratives are not widely liked or accepted, so my advice to you is don't use them, or proceed only at your own risk. They should not be used shortly after introductions. They require much more specific knowledge of preferences. But here's the part that is... let's say more likely universal... you can fuck her if you love her. If you are the type of guy who likes, loves, and respects women, and you (smartly) say to her, "I can't wait to make love to you..." then you have just, systematically yet without coercion, skyrocketed your odds that she desires you, is literally wet for you, and her fantasies just got a whole lot hotter.

My point is, be respectful, err on the side of always elevating everything you say (provided it's not fake, you're not feeding her a line, of course), and in return, she will let you know where she is comfortable, and just how far she wants to take it. You are used to being the gas, and she the brakes. But instead think of her as the map, and you the car. And if you do it well, really well, she will want to say yes. To everything. Yes, relationships are compromise, and compatability is important, but desire, and the desire to adapt for one another, and fulfill the desires of the other, is actually a quite maleable concept. This is also not to say that 'anything goes', in today's readily available porn-heavy culture where men are still the biggest consumers, but for the 'right' man, there is a palpable willingness to satisfy. It likely originates from a combination of supply and demand competitive marketplace, insecurity, normalization, and progressive, loosening attitudes towards sex. Still, beyond all that, above it, is the desire to change, to expand, for the one you love.

Dating 110: The Art of Seduction

The Sexual Cheat Sheet

So now she's said 'yes.' You're in it. She lies before you, expectant, excited, but reluctant to take the lead. She's looking to you to guide her, to set the tone, to be the capable captain at the helm, the master (rigger) to her (rope) bunny. (I say this not from personally believing this, or as is my personal style, but because the numbers suggest this is the most likely scenario you will face.) What do you do?

1. Be playful: Nothing should be so serious that you can't crack a smile. Don't try to be tough, macho, or become so infatuated with idea of being 'the dom' that you lose sight of the fact that this is supposed to be fun. It is fun.

2. Be flexible & adaptable: No matter what happens, go with the flow. 'Technical difficulties' are to be expected and just part of the experience (maybe even a funny memory down the road.) Bob and weave. Laugh, pivot, move on. No obstacle is too big, no hiccup too loud to distract you (or her; and if she does become distracted, just keep driving that car; snap her attention back to the present moment. You have all the tools in your tool belt you need.)

3. Be verbal: You must talk. You must make noise. Don't model porn male silence, and don't attempt 'dirty talk' until you are both more familiar with each other and your preferences. It might turn her off too much if you say the 'wrong' thing. For now, provide feedback and reassurance orally (not with your tongue, with your vocal chords.) Moan. Moan louder than you feel comfortable (it's probably not too loud.) Remember, women are more verbal than you, and moaning is safe, never offensive. Once you've got the moaning down, use words. If that's difficult for you, use single words - "fuck", "yes", "wow", "amazing", "damn", etc. The slower, and deeper, the better. Voice catching, sounding nervous? Try taking a sip of water, which lowers your voice, or yawn. Yawning instantly lowers your voice by relaxing vocal
chords. Next, short phrases - "you look amazing", "you're so hot", "your body is fire", "you make me feel so good", "look at how hard you made me", etc. And eventually, perhaps, one day down the road, something much deeper, more meaningful “you make me so happy”, "I don't want to be without you, I imagine my life with you", "you're the only one I want."

4. But your back into it: Energy, enthusiasm, and hopefully ecstasy. There have been studies demonstrating that if you can exert yourself to exhaustion you can overcome almost any fear. Don't worry about keeping a consistant rhythm near the end. In fact, losing the rhythm, losing control, is the place you want to get to - true abandon. Look her directly in the eyes, let go, let it flow, and appreciate the intimacy of the moment. Don't hold back. Be giving. Be vulnerable. Be present. Be authentic. If you do all that, the mechanics really don't matter. Anything that happens, everything that happens, will be par for the course.


Related References:

What about her asking you? Good idea. Will she ask you? Chances go up, the older she is, but if you're chosen pool is typically teens and twenties, don't hold your breath. Girls, want to know how to ask a guy out? The Personal and Societal Benefits of Girls Taking the Initiative With Guys in Relationships Sorry, but it's going to be up to you, most likely.

The One Board Game That Could Improve Your Relationship


Guys, how do you feel about 'the friendzone', or being left in purgatory, wondering how the girl feels about you, or if she'll ever return feelings?

The Death of Dating

The Pink Guide to Speaking Blue

Dating 110: The Art of Seduction
Add Opinion

Most Helpful Guy

  • Mroz75
    This is a very very interesting and great mytake!

    Really impressive, well written, and accurate! I even felt moved by the intensity of it!

    Thank you for your time writing it, your mytakes should really go viral, like for real! 🙌🏻🙌🏻
    Is this still revelant?
    • AmandaYVR

      Really? Aw thank you, Mroz, that's so sweet. Writing is hard in some ways. I do really enjoy it, and I can often/usually summon the words, but I do question whether the topic and tone is really of value. Is it meaningful, or is it redundant, superfluous? I get a bit of tunnel vision, and feel I lose perspective. I can write a paragraph or two so quickly and easily, but on some subjects, the more time I spend on it, the more I wonder if it's even worth posting. I was unsure about this one. The more time I spend editing, and then sitting on it, the more I wonder. I almost deleted it. Yet I like to be done with things, and then move on. The process itself can be a bit torturous at times, but it's definitely working my brain, and I do enjoy thinking.

    • Mroz75

      I really mean every word! And nothing to be thankful for🤗🤗

      Yeah i get you, its not an easy thing, especially when you're new or not used to it, but let me tell you, you're a very good writer! You can deliver the message so simply yet so professionally (I don't know if it makes sense😅), and at some points it's so poignant, like this mytake, it really moved me, I felt encouraged, and motivational! I don't know if it's for the fact that spoke my inner thoughts!

      Your mytakes are meaningful, and worthy because it can be much much enlightening, without having to put random words just to fill lines, like short sentences but full of details/information and what's more important is how you deliver it by using a third point of view as well as first and second. In the end, it all depends on the reader/audience, if one found it redundant, others may surely find it meaningful! (Always remember that)

      In that case i would say to not sit on them more than you should, because we humans are naturally our own harsher critics, which means the more time you spend reading it over and over, the more you would feel its meaningless.

      It's understandable, and as i said its not easy thing to do, but i really appreciate your hard work, and the time you spend writing all of it because i know it doesn't take just a couple of hours to post a magnificent piece of work like that!

    • pocketman

      I agree. Its smooth to read and draws emotion out of the reader.

Most Helpful Girl

  • nerdybutlazy
    this is amazing!!! You more or less described what I think most women want men to understand ( giving them a little bit of a cheat sheet doesn't hurt if they're gonna use it for good). It was really well written. You did a great job :D
    Is this still revelant?
    • HATR3D

      Reason why we don't understand is because we don't look at it threw the emotional point of view. This is why men struggle to understand women and women fail to understand men. Women try figuring men out using emotion which is why they never figure it out. I don't know in my opinion it's easier to understand men because it's basic logic but with emotions it's fucking everywhere which makes it way to fucking confusing which apparently women don't see

    • @HATR3D The thing is people need emotions you can't have a relationship without one. women are taught to feel things and men are taught not too so when they get older they don't think about emotions when getting into a relationship, which is pretty hard, I know not all men do this but think about it, a lot of men complain women are too emotional in relationships well to women emotions are really important cause we just want to have those emotional conservations and when men don't want to it kind of makes us feel like you don't want us. But then again very we are talking about now could be seen as society won't let men be sensitive and that kinda sucks

    • HATR3D

      I agree with that, society did fuck it up and unfortunately parrants still teach their sons that it's not ok to cry or show emotions. I've seen a mom tell his crying son to stop crying because you're not supposed to when I went on a hike and that pissed me off this lady looked like 26 or 32 still fairly young and I'd expect by now people would have learned not to do that but it's funny that you mentioned it because I was actually raised like that but I was beaten if I cried. Soo I learned to not cry, show or express my emotions and for a long time I've been seen and called cold hearted by people. Then I got an interest into psychology, health and wellness. I started to express emotions more but long story short I got to a point where Im no longer scared or ashamed to show emotions and now I actually cry a lot and I'm actually extremely sensitive now

    • Show All

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What Girls & Guys Said

  • Lliam
    True, true and true, especially from "Genuine, Authentic, Not Forced, Appreciation" on.

    I never ran into the situation you described in "Time", but that might be because of the day and age in which I was out there. I think what you said might be more true for young people living is current times.
    For me, I was out there all the time surrounded by and interacting with people. My group of friends were always doing things, playing sports, surfing, going to parties, and going places in our cars. Girls hung around with us, I would almost say on the periphery. So it was always boys and girls hanging out. The girls were checking out the guys and vice versa.
    I also met a couple of girlfriends at work. Again, it would be obvious if they were interested in me or not.
    I never spent a lot of time trying to woo a particular girl. They would usually make it pretty clear if they were attracted. If I was also attracted to them, I would ask them out to do something together, just the two of us. If they weren't interested, no biggie. There were girls who did their best to get together with me who I wasn't interested in, either. It was simple.
    All of the girls who I wound up in relationships with were open to sex fairly soon after we began to date. It's what we were both after. They were as horny as I was. They had had boyfriends before. I think we both figured that we'd learn more about each other as time went on and, in the meantime, why not have fun? It wasn't like we were dancing around and holding out to find the perfect marrying partner before having sex.
    But it was a time of women's lib, sex, drugs and rock & roll. So I didn't meet many up-tight girls who looked to me for security, a house with a picket fence, and babies. They were pretty indepedent.

    Nevertheless, everything you said about women, especially in the bedroom, is 100% true. Wow! Supurb advice, Amanda. A valuable and insightful perspective into female psychology, the likes of which I have never run across. Guys would do well to study what you wrote.
    • AmandaYVR

      Thank you so much my dear friend {hugs}

  • Lov2PlezUgurl
    Do you know what you just done you have given every male that reads this the keys to the p**** basically and they don't have to follow the hole picture that you've got lined out just put there game together facing it on your reviews you've given the players a nuclear bomb and you given the gentleman a chance thank you from us gentlemen
    I see you put in a lot of time and a lot of effort many hours of putting this together and I just want to acknowledge the fact that you did a great job
    • AmandaYVR

      Oh god don't say that! I'm already conflicted enough and have sleep issues as is!
      (No, I'm just kidding. I need to hear it all. Keeps me on my toes.)

      And thanks.

  • Makeushiver
    I think you really nailed it with desire, To feel sexually desired is one of the most personally flattering things. It isn't vanity either, it's a little bit of power knowing you are desired.
    Thanks for writing that and I think that any insights into the psychology of intimacy is one of the best reasons for this forum- except for the fact that honesty is sometimes responded to with hate from others.
  • Celtero
    Lol. You know this stuff isn't exclusive to women?

    Looking forward to the day the whole "woman is a prize man must earn" model of romantic relationships to die.

    Like... you know women used to be considered a burden and the father of a woman had to pay a dowry to the man his daughter married? A sort of "thanks for taking her off my hands."

    But now we're in an age where women don't consider that maybe wanting to feel special and sexually desired isn't only something that matters to themselves since men just wanna smash and they don't care if their partner is invested in them emotionally.

    And people are going to overlook this basic advice of yours because the societal expectation is that men are lucky to even have a girl interested in them to begin with. Saying something like, "women should make their men feel special and sexually desired" shouldn't sound alien.
    • AmandaYVR

      Hi Celtero,

      There is a lot here, maybe more than you know. I'm trying to decide what to respond to.

      Firstly, yes I know this isn't exclusive to women. It's partly why I wrote, "Is this sexist? (Not if I make the disclaimer that many of these very same things could also likely apply to a man.)" The reason I phrased that as such, and not more strongly worded, is because I am getting sick and tired of males online coming at me for writing about men. Obviously I am not speaking as one of, or on behalf of, men. That would be idiotic. But I am perfectly capable of listening, talking, researching, reading, and most significantly, writing about all this. So fuck qualifying, and disqualifying, based on gender. This is so illogical, and unreasonable, as to be offensive. We are not relegated to only discussing ourselves. How self-absorbed, and quite frankly dull that is. Everyone has their areas of interest, and knowledge; understanding the psyche, and communication, is mine. So, yes, I know this applies to men. I also know that males are far more interactive on this site, and it's typically more enjoyable for me to write when there is interaction, so while I pondered for quite some time, writing this in a more general sense about both sexes, I chose to focus on one angle. It's a writing choice, not an exclusion. I spend a lot of time thinking about these things, making these decisions consciously.

    • AmandaYVR

      I don't subscribe to the 'women are the prize' concept. At all. I am an egalitarian and have always believed that both people in a relationship contribute; sometimes similar things, sometimes very different. If guys stopped chasing girl just for sex, there wouldn't even be this concept. In relationships, it's moot. I once answered a question about this on here, and got into a big debate with some idiot, who didn't even want to concede that neither gender is 'the prize.' I've also written about the importance of girls initiating relationships/dates, countless times. I think falling back on "it's tradition" is just lazy and cowardice (but it does depend where a person lives, and what culture they have grown up in. I am North American, and progressive. I believe this is the way of the future. Some do not, and they're pushing back as hard as they can.) But one can theoretically understand how it came to be; not to mention, the generally higher sex drive of males. That, I don't have a problem with, but it's also archaic and overly simplistic thinking that "all men want is sex", as I have challenged here before. I've done the polls, research, etc. We can never ignore a certain segment of the population is driven by this and wants nothing more from the opposite sex, but I understand how it breaks down in a more complete way - and that is, the majority do want a relationship, IF they could find a compatible partner, but most people nowadays don't, so what they do in the mean time, is where everyone divides off into their camps/thinking.

    • AmandaYVR

      The problem is, that too few people can extrapolate outside of their own mind, their own experience. They draw almost all their conclusions based on their direct experience and preferences. It's dangerous, no, let's say destructive, to create such an airtight narrative that it doesn't allow for flexibility or change. When I was your age, I didn't really understand men. I was very curious, interested, drawn to them and had my experiences, but they were unpredictable creatures to me (they had other motives, quite often, which meant their head wasn't in the game, and went off chasing some other tail. That will never change. But it goes for girls nowadays as well, so I hear.) But at 47, I've had lots of experiences, deep conversations with people of many ages (and on gag, tons of 20somethings), and I have a lifetime of reading and research, so I have perspective.
      I know things are changing. It's why I'm interested, and why I talk and write about it all. It's a very challenging time. But you know, it never was easy, relationships. It's the biggest issue we all face. And it never ends. Part of me wants to tell the next generations coming up to smarten up, look at the forest through the trees, stop being so narrow-minded about it all. Or so bleak. The future is not set. And then, part of me thinks, 'well, that's how it goes. Everyone has to learn, everyone starts somewhere. It takes time.'

  • claudear
    Wow.. One if the best article I ever seen on here... It is really helpful and interesting.. I so much see genuity in your writing.. Keep this up..
  • ObscuredBeyond
    I kind of already do this; but I always choke up. I've endured so much betrayal; I half expect it. "I was just kidding!" Or: "I didn't actually take any pills." Or she deliberately performs poorly on her end, just to mess with me. Or, she is like: "I'm actually only 22. You really thought I was 29?"

    Ladies, seducing a man is one thing. But never do it under false pretenses. Ever. He will start to see all women who show interest in him the same way that Magneto tells that one guard in X-2 to view women: "Never trust a beautiful one, especially not one that's quite that interested in you."

    I know I'm not a 9 or 10 in the books of most ladies. About a 7 at best. Usually a 5 or 6. So if a woman who appears to be about a 7 or 8 starts coming on strong out of nowhere, I'm instantly suspicious.
  • Jjpayne
    I love this! The guidebook on seduction! Well noted! :) Great mytake!
  • maxdoesss
    I'm not sure whether to say this is a good take or not. You're by no means wrong, but if men were to take your advice they'd likely fall flat. What a women thinks she wants or says she wants, tends to be a bit further removed from what she actually wants (And no, I'm not talking about the stereotypical caveman/pickup artist that you're thinking about). Ever here a woman say something in the format: "He has to be X but not too X"? I'd take note of this advice but not look too into it.
  • ret04
    Interesting. It seems as if you’ve gone from BDSM skeptic to BDSM advocate in a relatively short time frame.
    • AmandaYVR

      Well that's interesting.
      I'm really wondering where you got that out of this mytake. (Well, ok, maybe one area where I relented, giving advice on that. But it doesn't mean that I am in favour. I'm merely going along with statistics.)
      I do have rather strong opinions about it but I keep them to myself for the most part. We can chat over pm more if you like.

  • HATR3D
    But what's all this worth if I have no confidence in my self or believe I'm able to offer all those things? Fact is girls have more needs than dudes and frankly dudes can't live up to their crazy expectations or needs. Y'all need way more stimulusous on all levels. For dudes it's basically just a kiss here and their and sex. Well thanks for the help at least 😃 unfortunately I know I can't provide those things
    • AmandaYVR

      Don't give up. I know it's difficult. I know girls are challenging with their needs and expectations. But you can learn. You can do this.

  • soleil6997
    In many ways, it is flimsy, whimsical, when women do all that - but it still is the way you describe it (to almost painful detail)
    Or, rather, as long as you are geographically close all of this even makes sense/becomes the good way of relating- it us a bit troubling when a woman remote expects as much of your presence (can be very hard to be somewhere for more than a week or two - and in that period you kind of have to jam pack two-three months of relationship development).
    Respect - most certainly. It isn't true that men want respect and women love - both want the respect first, it is a precondition to love.
  • msc545
    No offense, but women telling men how to please women is almost a tautology. That said, I enjoyed your mytake.
  • grega239
    Good info.
    Kinda useless since I don't even get a text back but ok
  • Valnac
    I like telling her she’s a naughty girl for making my cock hard.
    • AmandaYVR

      That's a good one.
      Should be good with every girl.

  • elizamichale1
    Nice take honey
  • TheAfrikan
    Thank you for sharing this out I enjoyed it.
  • bulletbob555
    Have to remember some of these. Good points
    Cool i have been doing good. 😎👍
  • JennieF
    I pretty much agree with you.