My boyfriend is so insecure and it’s annoying. How do I handle someone like that, or should I at all?

[Hello322332]

So here’s the thing. Since day one he complaines about how extremely worried he is that 1. That I don’t feel the same way as he does about me. 2. That I don’t love him. 3. That I don’t show him enough emotion. 4. That I will break his trust. I’ve been dating him for 5 months and every single time we hang out, he mentions all of the above!!! He tells me how he says his worries to his co worker, his family, his friends. And I have zero patience left for this. I had patience and understanding in the beginning, but it’s just flat out ANNNOYING AS ****. He isn’t patient or understanding about the fact that I have a wall up, and when he gripes and complains and isn’t patient with me that only make the wall stay up. It makes things worse. I’ve told him this but he still won’t shut up! He doesn’t seem to pay anttention to anything positive that I do and nothing seems to be enough. But he says that I’m the love of his life, and his world. We agree on so many topics and have great depth filled conversations, but can also have fun together. So I would like to work things out. I just don’t know how to get through to him, he’s just so damn negative. I’m not sure if I should tell him that he needs to gain some maturity and move on. Any advice would be great

Thank you!

[mrawesome1014]

First let me say that you CANNOT fix him. He is the only person that can do that, and until he can accept and understand that you are a free woman who can at anytime walk away, he will continue to try to control you through the use of guilt.
By accepting that the person we love can walk away from us at any time, it is then that we can comprehend that this person loves us and stays with us because they have chosen to do so using their free will.
And it is that love that is given to us, but never demanded, and never controlled.

Here is an example that may help.
When you get a new puppy it doesn't take off, it gives you the love it has and if it's treated with respect and kindness and trained properly he never "HAS" to be on a leash to be controlled (certain places will always require a puppy be on a leash, but not because your puppy isn't well behaved). Whenever you take the leash off he has the opportunity to run away, but he stays because he loves you and trusts that you are always going to be there.
Until your boyfriend realizes that you won't run away without the leash, he will always be insecure (please know that there is nothing derogatory implied about the reference to you and a dog).
Some owners are so scared their dog will run away that they need to keep them chained up all the time, that is not love, it is not compassion and it is not freedom.
You have to decide whether or not the time you have invested is worth more of your time. Do you think that he will ever trust you? Will he ever be willing to remove both the leash and the chains and take the risk of you running away?
If not, then neither you nor him will ever be truly happy in this relationship.

[Hello322332]

You make a very good point. The fact he’s so afraid makes him controlling. And he has to take a risk by trusting in order for things to work, and as you said if he doesn’t take that risk things won’t work out. Also interesting that you mention that it isn’t love. Love is free I guess is the saying. Do you think if he isn’t trusting me and is controlling that he’s isn’t loving authentically? If so, how can he think he’s so madly in love

[mrawesome1014]

I won't say that he doesn't love you. You said that you were his first relationship, so in his mind he absolutely does love you. But how do we know what love is unless we have experienced more than one love?

Until you have been in more than one relationship, you have nothing to base the relationship off of. At this point it is absolutely the greatest relationship we have ever had, but it is also the most absolute horrible relationship we have ever been in as well. Without something to compare it to, it is both the best and the worst.

[mrawesome1014]

As a father of 6 kids, 5 girls and 1 boy, I have told them all that the whole purpose of dating is to find all the great qualities in the people you date, but you also need to take note of their worst qualities too. It is these qualities that you want to make sure do not follow you from relationship to relationship i. e. abuse (physical, psychological, emotional, or sexual to name a few), being used and not being treated like you are special.

First off, if you don't learn to respect yourself and put "YOU" before everyone and everything else, then you will always find someone who will put you at the bottom of their priority list as well.

Just know this, it is not selfish to put your happiness in front of everything else in the world. You are the only person who can make you your own #1 priority.

[mrawesome1014]

Many men will come into your life and tell you that you are their #1, don't ever believe that bullshit, it's a F*CKING LIE. That's what we tell women to make them feel confident enough about our relationship to bang us. True, our #1 priority at that very moment is "you", but only in the context of getting you out of your panties. Guys are pigs, (present company included). I've done some wonderful things with my life, but I haven't always been as honest with women that I'm with in that moment.

So, does he love you? He thinks he does, because he doesn't know anything else, and he will not appreciate what you represent until he sees what other woman offer or fail to offer.

[mrawesome1014]

Honestly, I would tell you to let him go. Like going fishing, sometime what you catch is just not mature enough. Instead of hurting it by ripping the hook out, gently let it go and maybe the next time you come back to that fishing hole he will have grown up a little or maybe a lot, but regardless he may become a keeper some day. But right now the best thing you can do is let him go back and grow up some more.

I would advise also that you need to be clear, that you may may not want to fish at that spot again. Don't make any promises that you will wait for him, or that after you see him mature you will take him back. Do not let him think for a minute he still has any ability to control you with guilt. Let him know that right now, what you need is a mature relationship built on trust and mutual respect.

[mrawesome1014]

If he asks for examples, tell him what you started this conversation off with. Regardless, don't allow him to beg, plee or promise that he will change. That is not how men change, we will only change when what we want is just out if our reach.
Do him and yourself a favor and be kind, but be firm and walk away.

[Hello322332]

Very well put.

[Esever171]

My girlfriend has low self esteem as well and it's because she was cheated on before by a guy she was with for 5 years. She says I'm the love of her life, the nicest guy she's ever met, most patient and accepting. But, she still gets insecure.

I tell her all the time how much she means to me. I can't even count how many times a day I tell her I love her randomly or call her beautiful and tell her she's amazing. I do that because all of that is 110% true and because I know she needs that reassurance.

Her confidence has become tremendously higher since we started dating. But if something bad happens she freaks out and thinks that things will immediately fall apart because of failed past relationships. She's been in tears before and telling me she's afraid things won't work out.

She says that I'm not doing anything wrong. It's just the way she is. I'm not perfect by any means but I don't think I do stuff to make her scared. Point being, it's not you, it's him. There could be a whole lot of stuff going on in his mind. The more he loves you the more scared he'll become because the bigger the potential loss and heart ache.

He's not doing it to spite you, he's just terrified that one of the people he loves most in the world might not be there forever. If this isn't something you think you can deal with then leave him.

Or you can try to build his self confidence and show him you're not going anywhere and won't betray him which will take time. It's up to you and whether or not you feel like he's worth it.

[No1butme]

Sounds like he has been cheated on a lot and anyone that happens to make or female they unfortunately without intentions take it in to the next relationship.. this is where all insecurities come from and being cheated and rejected makes us (Not intentionally) push the SO away to see how pure the love is, they know it's true if you stick around but pushed aside in there eyes is just proving there theory. I say sit him down when you both feel confident enough to be honest and get put what you both have issues with and work on them together. If as a couple you can't talk then I suggest you walk because the key to any relationship is communication and trust! Without those there's nothing worth trying to work on... hope that helps... but to gives up on someone can really effect them on a deeper level of non understanding unless been though themselves

[No_filter]

I was in the same situation for 6 years. I just got out of it. You cannot change a person. Thats lack of self esteem, and insecurity. You can talk to him about it, and that its drawing you away, but that might or might now do anything. In my case I did all I could to bring his confidence up. The only time that confidence was up was when his pride was high knowing he had me at the palm of his hand. People called my relationship toxic. There is only so much a person can take. I do not know how tolerant you are, but if you stay longer. He will become manipulative, and controlling.

[Meshion]

He want validation... and some men need it more then others.
I've dated a guy like that and it was difficult. I loved him but it was draining. So I say give. It a chance. Talk and tell him how you feel and that you don't Want to hear about this every time you hang out. Tell him it's a turn off. Tell him that you're his... Tell him it won't work if he doesn't try to work on his insecurity. Ask him who has hurt him...

[PoliceLivesMatter]

Well, I don’t know how severe your situation is as I’ve heard this countless of times and 9/10 the person doing the complaining about their partner being insecure is exaggerating or overreacting. I would say to be a strong woman/human and stick it through. It’s easy to be strong when things are going swimmingly, it’s only when it gets tough, almost unbearable that someone’s true merit and grit shows, so true. Humans are insecure by nature, it’s 100% natural because we are all vulnerable and frail creatures living in a catastrophic and intrinsically dangerous world. It’s natural for your boyfriend to feel this way, but there’s a point where it’s too much. I personally have an instinct that it hasn’t reached there.

[Hello322332]

Thank you for the good advice

[PoliceLivesMatter]

Yeah

[The-Weeknd-0]

The guy either wants more sex or he is genuinely worried about losing you. Insecure people cannot change through someone else. They must change themselves... This guy obviously has low self esteem and confidence issues which he must address quickly before you leave him and break his heart. And if this is only his 1st or 2nd relationship- damn you're gonna break this guy's heart so bad!

[Hello322332]

I keep telling him that same thing. That I can’t fix his insecurities, he has to. But he turns the tables and tells me that it’s because I have a wall up and need to show emotion and then he will have trust and everything. But I can’t bring down my wall if I’m being pressured. So its just just really hard.

[The-Weeknd-0]

The guy is insecure and it is a massive turn off I understand that.

Give the guy a chance but tell him in a nice way that he needs to improve his self esteem. Does he have any hobbies or play any sports?

[Hello322332]

i have told him that he needs to build confidence, but he blames his insecurities on me. An says I need to build his confidence for me. I feel like he just may be to immature to understand how unrealistic that is. And his only hobbie is video games

[Hello322332]

*him

[thinkaloudtolive]

At least he cares. When you have a boyfriend that never talks about any of this, then he just doesn't care.

FYI, it's clear you don't like this guy that much the way you're talking about it. Might as well break It off now and save yourselves the hassle in the long run.

[MarkRet]

Tell him that his very behavior is what's going to split you two apart. Tell him that you need a man who is strong inside, and has faith in you, and that you don't have the desire to comfort a little boy.

[Tony_1693]

I mean you don't really sound like you're committed to the dude if his insecurities just annoy you. I agree that it sounds annoying as fuck though. If you're not emotionally invested in him andndknt eant to deal, then leave.

[Juxtapose]

Most people like that are fatalistic and almost seem to enjoy their insecurities and low self esteem.

I've never been able to turn someone like that around. I used to be a depressed little sh** myself but I pulled myself out of it.

Try getting him some 420 to lighten his mood if you want to try and make it work.

[Hello322332]

Yes! Fatalistic is a perfect word for him. He always gets upset over the smallest things. I feel like he WANTS to be upset. I don’t understand it. It feels impossible to deal with.

[Juxtapose]

I feel you, I've been there. Hopefully he can get a therapist or find something that will help.

Good luck, you deserve a boyfriend who isn't so negative all the time!

[Hello322332]

Thank you!

[lolitaaa__]

he sounds needy and has issues with low self-esteem

if you've already told him how you feel about all of it, and nothing changes it's probably best to break up with him

[Yo_its_Daniel]

I don't think his dude is ready for a relationship his too traumatized by losing u too a guy probably pass relationship but work it out with him talk to him I don't think he will change until u leave him and he realize what he lost for been insecure

[B1AD3ofC0NAN]

You leaving him will show him that he needs to be more confident in HIMSELF

[AppleInYourEye]

How exhausting to be with someone like that. Its only been 5 months too. Imagine how drained you'll be in a year. He's going to suck the life out of you.

[Keylogger]

Sounds like he can't live without you , and bad offspring = beta genes.

I would say move on if you're planning to have a kid in the future.

[siccorro]

Yea he needs to work on himself a bit before getting involved with someone else again.

[neurolove]

Yeah, that isn't going to last. You should cut your losses now.

[Tyberius]

Relationships like this usually don't pan out well.

[jakeiremonger]

Tell him how annoying his insecurity is and to cut it out.

[soleil2666]

So hang on, YOU have a wall up, and you consider HIM insecure?

[Hello322332]

We all have insecurities.

[soleil2666]

Yeah, sure - but projecting them onto others does no one any favours - that's just a way to avoid your own issues - not a good idea if you ask me, confronting those is better, no matter how hard it may seem.

[Hello322332]

Okay, I see where you’re coming from, and I agree. I’m just not sure how I can confront my own insecurities while dealing with someone who’s insecurities causes the relationship to be toxic. I don't know all signs seem to lead me to breaking things off.

[soleil2666]

But it's not his insecurities that cause relationship to be toxic - it's either a mix or could really be the ones you've got?
I don't really understand how anyone's insecurities per se can be an issue to break up about - the way you deal with all of that is to just take it easy, not to get mad.
If anything, you give his reason to be insecure and then blame it on him - that is unfair to say the least. Stick it out and get over yourself a bit if you're interested.

[Hello322332]

You’re not understanding. It’s not the insecurities themselves, it’s the actions that are caused by them. The inability to control his emotions due to his insecurities are what makes things toxic. His behavior is much more immature then mine. I’m not saying it’s 100 percent him, but most of it, yes. I never blamed him completely for anything. And if I needed to “get over myself” I would have broken up with him a while ago lol.

[soleil2666]

I don't know - I tend to self blame (maybe too much) - but find that easier to deal with than blaming some other poor soul.

[apple24]

I don't. I don't care if your sad or whatever ask a therapist. Cuz I anit one.

[Ggyprogess]

Curious to see if you're still with him today...
I am in the same boat. I literally googled this and your forum came up.

Sigh. I feel drained with this situation.

[onepunchman01]

do what you said in the ed´nd, stop being nice and tell him the facts that he fucking annoyes you away

[Ali47]

If your friend does not bring you comfort just kick him out of your life