Should I be with a guy who's too traditional and conservative?

Hello everyone! So, my boyfriend and I (I'm 23, he's 29, in a relationship for half a year) have very different views on some things. He is very traditional and conservative when it comes to relationships (housewife and breadwinner roles of a woman and a man). He won't feel like doing any house chors as it's not a mans job. He believes man are intelectually superior to women and can't stand feminists (I am not a feminist myself, but I am pro-equality). He wants to get married and have kids very soon, while I don't feel ready. But he believes he can change me into wanting that too. Does this look like an acceptable way to think to you? Also, he's being overly sweet and cheesy to me (he would say "I love you" and very cheesy lines at least 10 times a day). This is a turn-off for me and 1 time a day saying or showing the love would be enough for me. More is something that makes me feel nauses, like I've eaten too much sugar. We did discuss this, but again - he feels like he can change me into being more "expressive". Matter of the fact is, I am not sure now whether this relationship can work or no, because I don't feel attracted to him since he's too traditional per my taste. Things that I like about him is that he always pays attention, very carring, always is ready to talk and listen. He is a very sweet guy, but I can't help but see him being overly sweet and clingy. Also, I don't find him to be very confident either (another turn-off). Am I being too critical and should keep on having this relationship or there is no potential? Maybe someone has or had same or similar experience, I'd love to listen to your opinions!

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Most Helpful Guy

  • " So, my boyfriend and I (I'm 23, he's 29, in a relationship for half a year) have very different views on some things. He is very traditional and conservative when it comes to relationships (housewife and breadwinner roles of a woman and a man). He won't feel like doing any house chors as it's not a mans job. He believes man are intelectually superior to women and can't stand feminists (I am not a feminist myself, but I am pro-equality). He wants to get married and have kids very soon, while I don't feel ready. But he believes he can change me into wanting that too. " <--- This. I would change this about him. Try to negotiate if possible on things. Convince him you want to be ready to work and do chores and he should do the same. Also, put some financial pressure on him for this kind of thing, kids, and other stuff. He sounds like maybe, he can change for the better. Why? "he always pays attention, very carring, always is ready to talk and listen. He is a very sweet guy" <--- This doesn't happen with every guy, even with the other conservative views. You need to find a way to negotiate with him that you need independence. I know plenty of conservative families in which the wife works too. The wife also knows how to shoot a gun and change a tire, even a bit about car engines and stuff. To be able to have all this AND be conservative IS possible. He is quite old school conservative and that won't work unless he ditches you and dates a golddigger and I'm sure he does NOT want that. You are NOT a golddigger as you seem to WANT independence for working and BOTH doing chores. There are issues in this relationship. Try to negotiate with him. If he won't, then sorry, it's more trouble to stay with him then to leave him. You could if needed, use the threat of leaving if needed as the nuclear option to get him to negotiate. If he is really "so sweet," he'll negotiate because he truly loves you. If not, the opposite.

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    • Thanks a lot for your insight and the advice!

Most Helpful Girl

  • Dont settle just because you’re afraid you can’t find someone as caring or loving. If you really don’t think you can love him for all he is, don’t stay. You’re still very young. If you choose to settle with him, make sure you’re able to live with whatever he is for the next 40 years at least.

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    • I'm definitely not going to marry soon, he can't force or manipulate me into it of course. Going to talk to him more, and time will tell. Thanks for your advice!

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • Why would you date a guy who is traditional and conservative? They only treat women as their property. They are a bunch of sexist religious fruitcakes

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    • I didn't say this flat out as I know others may soon RELENTLESSLY attack this, but I fully agree dude.

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    • Spirituality can often times do very little with a religion unfortunately

    • yes asker correct. they are nearely not correlated a lot of times. there are seculars you can live with, and religious people you can marry, but my rule of thumb is to combine both rel and spir. cause seculars tend to prove sour grapes eventually.

  • He is love bombing you in the hopes of controlling you. This sounds like a toxic mix. Your values don't match up perfectly which you could live with. But the love bombing and the idea of him wanting to change you is not good. If he wants to change you and make you into his perfect little woman then how can he love you now? He loves what he wants to turn you into. I'd get out now. I had an ex girlfriend try the same thing. Just run now because it will hurt more later.

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    • Thanks for your insight!

  • To me he doesn't accept your view on things. He wants to shape and mold you into his ideal instead of finding a middle line.
    Saying he wants kids soon and you dont and he wanting to make you want it. Sounds like a major red flag to me.

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    • So it does to me! Thanks for your insight

  • Well the thing here is really to analyze if you can cope with his traditional views of life and of what a good partnership between spouses should be. If you agree with the majority of his views in these regards i say you should keep going on, but if you feel that the lifestyle involved in his views wouldn´t be very much suitable for you then the relationship isn´t going very farther than where it stands now.

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  • You already answered your own question, you are not attracted to him anymore, in fact he makes you nauseous. He should not have to change you, he should love you as you are as you should love him as he is. He is the perfect man for some woman out there but not you or me or any woman I know... You are young, no need to rush anything as far as marriage or having kids. Don't ever let anyone talk you into something you know you're not ready for. Be true to your Heart, Mind, and Soul!!!

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  • You’ve answered your own question: you’re no longer attracted to him, and you don’t like how traditional and conservative he is.

    Even he doesn’t love *you* because he wants to change you.

    This relationship has no legs, and you should end it.

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  • Your BOYFRIEND is not "conservative". He is a controlling, manipulating, ass-hat... I'm conservative; Zero well-fare benifits for abled people, drug-test well-fare recipients, pro Firearms, build a boarder wall... I also believe in gender-roles; to an extent. For example, fact is that not many women can do my job. But that doesn't mean that there aren't women who are great roofers or that I wouldn't hire a women. Male gynocologists are just weird... Anyways, I assume that you two live together and you are pretty much his maid. He is not as "conservative" as he claims. He is a WOMANIZER. He is using you... Who would pick up after him and wipe his ass if he lived alone? He is a fucking pig... I believe that if either person (man/women) wants to be a stay at home spouce, they should absolutely take over the majority of household duties (cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, mailing bills). But if they are both working equal hours to earn money to equally provide financial-stabibility, household responsibilities should be equally shared... ... I'm 33 yo, bachelor, self-employed building contractor. I'm able to maintain a small-business, do all my own cleaning, and cook all of my own meals. Sounds like your man is nothing but a lazy-ass loser.

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    • Thank you. You are the example of what I was saying that this seems like a psuedo conservative really. Not conservative myself, but I can see your point.

  • It sounds like you've already made up your mind... I would say talk to him about it and be honest. If you can't have an honest talk with him then you shouldn't be dating. Regardless the relationship is new and people change. If you guys can't compromise then leave. Again, the way you talked about him, you've made up your mind, you just need to self reflect and realize that.

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  • Look
    It is ur choice. Weight the pros and cons of it and decide. Maybe you are ok while someone are not.

    Relationship takes a lot of efforts patience and commitment and understand each other duties towards each other.

    So no matter there will be diferences and love in movies and books are fake and never work by magic.

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    • That's true, thanks for your insight!

  • No. If you're not the same as him and require your own mind and independance he's going to hate you for it and you're going to hate him in return.
    He'll encumber your freedom and you'll reproach him for your thrust upon lifestyle... and it's going to implode.

    Just move on.
    He needs someone he can 100% control.

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  • No, it seems like he wants to control and mold you into what he wants, not that he wants you for you.

    Also, feminism is the belief that everyone, regardless of who they are, deserves fair and equal treatment under the law and nto not be discriminated against in society. Different but equal. It's sad to see so many actike it's a terrible thing.

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  • Clearly you're not right for him and that's fine. Tell him, you're too conservative, I don't feel comfortable getting married. They're massive things in a relationship, not something that you can really change. Also i'd be very wary getting in a relationship with someone who believes women are intellectually inferior, that sounds a warning for possible gaslighting.

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    • yeah he might be using gaslighting. there are some warning signs although we can't be sure. he can just be a defensive overly inhibited tradcuck beta. still, don't know if the risk is worth it.

  • This is not really of my business, but you shouldn't marry someone that wants you to change in so many ways. You should find someone who loves you the way you are, someone who is able to help you in all the daily tasks. Someone that doesn't force you doing things you don't want.
    But as I said, it not of my business

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  • If you are really happy then continue your relationship but as you posted this question here it means there is some problem. So pls think twice. But if I were you I never marry such kind of jerk. Sorry if you feel hurt but just think 100 times before marrying him

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  • I think the problem it's he not being conservative, it's he being insecure.

    If he is (a little) smart, he would not be connected to a liberal woman at almost 30 years old while he is a young man with all his life ahead.

    Do him a favor: leave him. And make it easier for both of you. Him to find a conservative woman who loves you and have children with moral values; And you find a liberal player who will agree with everything you says.

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  • As long as you guys have love I'm pretty sure you guys will figure it out. It should be 50/50 for both of you. And if you dont see that going to happen then leave his ass cause u deserve better. He has to respect your choices other wise he's not the right guy and there is plenty of guys out there that can treat you better and respect your decisions. MY girlfriend is sitting next to me and she said If you are not attracted to him then no and you should leave!

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  • There is nothing wrong with your boyfriends point of view. He could in fact be a wonderful loving great guy. But it doesn't matter who loves who. If you see view points differently and both will not compromise you are both doomed to failure.

    I myself love traditional men. But i also value my education and career. If a man didn't feel similarly we would be a poor match.

    It's ok to not see eye to eye w your partner on everything, but its how you come together in conflict that matters. So if you love him talk about how you two can reconcile this while still being true to yourselves. If you cannot reconcile this it doesn't matter if you love each other or not, its best to move on and find someone who shares your ideals on key points.

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  • You found the perfect dude. Do you wish for a progressive gat hipster vegan who sends you photos with guys banging his ass or a real person?

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  • If you don't feel comfortable conforming to his views I would revaluate the relationship - a person shouldn't force you to change to believe in what they believe in (should ring some alarm bells) and if you was to do it involuntary it can cause resentment and anger down the line.

    Try and talk and ask him if you can compromise and work together (but such views are things that are instilled in you from young - but who knows) a guy can love you but your partner is your equal!

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  • Hell no. Time to date some other guys and find one who wants a partner, not an appliance.

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  • I’m cringing right now - those guys are my worst nightmare! What I would do is get as far away from him as possible, if he thinks you’re inferior to him why do you even want to be near him?

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  • He needs to scram. I can already tell he’s manipulative and controlling if he wants you to change. That’s not okay whatsoever. Tell him you’re not going to change and he can’t make you.

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  • The math says this isn't gonna work. The amount of time you've been together plus this many red flags is a recipe for disaster.

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  • You've described a guy who is a sexist and makes a mockery out of traditionally conservative ways. Myself , I give traditional and conservatism a new name. And I have a very happy wife. So it all depends on how he is , and most importantly , how you are as a woman and not a sexist yourself. After all said and done , it takes a real woman to acknowledge a real man.

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  • Do not marry him if he still like this, this is a time bomb which gonna blown on you at the first chance when you're he's wife, so dump him or if you really love him then try to help him see the bigger picture and bot day in the place he is now

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  • It really depends on how bad you want this relationship. My dad used to be a lot like that but through the years changed his ways and did house work. he even learned to cook some. It's really all up to you. what do you want?

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  • I think you need someone who can love you for who you are, and vise versa. It doesn't seem like a loving relationship if you're not happy with his actions, and he wants to change you.

    Relationships aren't about changing people.

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  • Overall to me it sounds like you guys just aren't a compatible match I understand that you too much your feelings for each other but if you don't have enough in common to keep a genuine interest or just little things that bother you throughout the day maybe you should think about calling it off just out of a mutual disengagement from each other

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  • In my honest opinion, a man who loves you for who you really are is the man who can keep you happy. Same goes for a woman.
    It's okay if you feel you aren't ready for the next step in your relationship. Everyone has their own pace and forcing something won't always end up well.
    Expressing love often isn't cheesy or suffocating.

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  • You should tell him how you really feel, but it seems like you're stuck between two opinions.

    You say he's very kind to you, that he's attentive to you but also clingy. Do you think if he was less caring he would be so willing to hear you?

    If it's not going to work out then you should break up sooner than later, its the best option for both of you

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  • I don't see it working for the long term. Too many differences that are eventually going to be serious problems between you. ie, what you don't like and find "unattractive" will only grow and get more and more. Until one day you just won't be able to take it anymore. And probably the same for him.

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  • Move on before it ends in disaster. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but you guys views are just too far apart at this juncture in life. As you get older your views may change but as of right now your not ready for that type of relationship. Have a great day

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  • he's clearly too old I kbow there's only five years tho he wants a potential lifetime and you're still learning he's seen u coming as an good girl whos decency would be worth trying to take serious dont allow loving words from whom to dictate your own life dont rebel he's just more experienced and all he's usuall gals know him too well and he's gone for younger strictly to control.

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  • I don't think you're being too critical. Your core views are clearly not aligning, and I think it's unfair of him to expect you to change for him. You're technically also in your honeymoon period still, but you find it offputting when he's saying sweet things to you and you are also capable of pointing out how his lack of confidence is unattractive, things someone in the honeymoon period usually wouldn't be able to see or point out.
    It sounds like this relationship simply won't work, because he's already annoying you a little, and you simply don't share the same views on some pretty big things.

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  • This relationship will not work out in the long run. You both seem ideologically incompatible. He also wants to change you for his own satisfaction. That's a red flag if I've ever seen one. Run.

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  • Men have chores too, just different ones. If he can't understand that, he wasn't raised right. My family is also traditional. You teach boys to do everything, just in case Miss Right never shows up.

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  • you are not for one another. he is a relic of a lost era. patriarchy is long dead tell him.

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    • and not only a tradcuck, he is a beta too. really hopeless. no wonder you are not attracted.

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    • then stop leading on and end it quick. he can either adapt to reality or stay single. have you had sex? or didn't move to that point?

    • No, we haven't had sex

  • I don’t think this will work. He seems to think he can change you, but you can’t change anybody, and if he’s not happy with how you are now then he doesn’t truly love you for who you are. And you find him a bit annoying as well, so I think you should break up

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  • If the guy is saying that you need to change for the relationship to work then thats an instant no for me. He is supposed to want to be with you. You. As you are, everything that entails.
    I'm all for having different opinions in a relationship and i dont think him being traditional is something that should put you off alone, however, it doesn't sound like he is willing to compromise.
    do you see yourself doing all the chores for the rest of your life? are you okay with putting your dreams on pause, indefinetly, to be this mans wife? do you want him enough to give up all the things he is asking for?
    if your answer isn't an immediate yes then you should reconsider this relationship before you cross a line and commit something you cannot take back. If he pushes you without giving you time to reflect, then definetly end it right there.

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  • Well that depends on you and what you like. Just remember guys that are traditional so I can manage the boss of the house they feel like a woman shouldn't work so if that's what you like and you're comfortable with that then why not but if you're not comfortable with that then definitely don't date them cuz that's what you're going to get

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  • Sounds like you know the answer. He will end up resenting you. You will resent him. I do have a few questions as this post could almost be me.
    Does he come from a good home? Both parents married, nuclear family? Are his parents loving and affectionate?
    Are your parents married Nd did you come from a good home? I find that that people who are turned off by affection come from different situations in regard to upbringing. Was there possibly abuse? It seems you both have very different love codes. It won't work.

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    • Hey! We both come from a loving caring families, parents married. But in his case it was maybe too much care from his mother's side, doesn't seem healthy to me because she didn't let him do anything in the house, and also he's a bit of a mama boy now

  • It's up to you. I mean if you don't want to be a traditional stay at home mom then don't waste yours and his time.

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  • That relationship is never going to work in the long run.

    For example, if you are not for the traditional gender roles of women staying at home you'll already have big problems. Either you work, he's very unhappy about it. Or you stay at home and you're very unhappy about it.

    Not going to work

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  • See what ever happens happens for good see already u have mentioned that he is too caring and listens to u thats what every women want from men , and some how u can convince him to have children when u both are ready

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  • Wtf run now everything you say about him is him trying to change you he doesn't love you he loves the idea of controlling you and turning you into something you aren't

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  • I agree with most posts here; he is simply controlling. I am conservative in that I believe in courting and waiting till marriage for sex. These are based on my Christian values and not dated human norms.

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  • I would totally break up. He sounds way too close minded in my opinion. Like imagine this: You come home from a very long day at work. What is the first thing he would do? Exactly, ask you to cook even tho you are totally tired.

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  • Depends on how you are. If you're traditional and conservative too - you'd love it. But if you're not - you'll find it very difficult. Does that answer?

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  • You've literally got the most perfect man that most women say they want other than the traditional thing but if that's how you feel about his views and his "over affection" you should break it off

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  • Views are too different... I couldn’t live like that and you shouldn’t have to drastically change for someone you grow together... you need to really think about it or sit down with him again.

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