I'm in love with a man 19 years older than me. My family hates him because of the age gap. How can I show them he's still the right guy for me?

[Anonymous]

I'm dating a guy 19 years older than me (I'm 22, he's 41). We've been dating for four months. It's the best relationship I've ever had. After countless failed relationships, I finally found someone who loves and cares for me like no one ever has before! He's the first guy I've ever been with who is actually truly and fully committed to our relationship. He's super loyal, funny, smart, and makes me feel extremely loved. He also makes me feel more desirable than any other guy and is drastically better in bed than any of my other exes. I know it's a big age gap, but the only ways it manifests itself are that he's more mature, more committed, doesn't play games, and knows what he wants in life (all very good things).
However, my friends and family are not supportive of the relationship. They assume that he's just a creep who has nothing in common with me and is only interested in me because of some younger woman/Asian fettish (I'm Asian and he's white)/he just wants me for sex. They assume that he's controlling me or that the power dynamic is skewed. As we get more serious my parents get worried about him not wanting kids. However, I feel more compatible and equal with him than any other guy I've been with. He's never once been controlling and has only ever been supportive of my goals. I actually did all the initiating when it came to sexual activity at first (I still initiate at least half the time) so he's not in it just for sex. Also, the other women he was with were around his age and white. Also, he has said he would be interested in having more kids if/when we get there.
However, even though I've told my family this many, many times they still hate him because they can't understand the concept that an older man can genuinely truly love a much younger woman and have a great relationship with him. How can I get my family to see that I have a healthy, happy relationship with my boyfriend (who happens to be much older than me)?

[ohshee]

I have gone to the same thing and it's not you that has to prove himself to your parents it's him that has to do it and that's just by him being himself went through the same thing and it's weird how it all came about her parents wanted to do and remodeling their house and she talked them into hiring me so we got a lot of time to talk which I thought was very cool and interesting and her parents had her the very late age so they needed a lot of help in different areas of their life what time your mom's car broke down out remove nowhere and she called her daughter and she called me I didn't kiss their ass or anything like that I was just myself and if I felt something I said it I tried to use the correct words so they would understand where I was coming from but once I got to know who I really was they really enjoyed me they really like me she had an opportunity of a lifetime to go to a good good college to get her Masters and so she took it we decided to break up because it was just going to be too difficult long distance I run into her every once in awhile now and I talked to her mom quite often she calls me up I always want you to come over for dinner when my phone rings and I see that is her mom or dad I just say oh no here we go but they're good people to they still want me to get back with but she I meant another guy while she was at school and he now lives in our town and even she calls me up once in awhile complaining about him and I just say I'm sorry you know I tell her how I see it and she's going to have to figure it out but this is between you and him really this way that I see it and if he was to do the right thing he needs to communicate with your parents that once not twice

[hahahmm]

All you can do is make sure he spends time with you around your family. That will help some. Maybe a lot, depending on what they see. You'd be wise to also spend time around his family/friends so you can see if he acts differently around them and how his family treats you too. Find out if he's the type who treats his family better than his girlfriend for example.

If your family is very conservative: they will never accept him until he marries you. Even only slightly conservative families will think of a spouse *very differently* than they think of a fiance/boyfriend/girlfriend. Partly, just because they don't believe there's a real commitment short of the big one.

[flowersintokyo]

I think you should just continue to be with him and not mention him to your friends and parents. As time goes by and your relationship progresses, their assumptions regarding him will be debunked one by one and eventually they will accept him, or if not him specifically, at least your relationship with him. Honestly, you don't need your parents or friends to be a part of this, not yet. Separate the two, make time for both, and keep an eye on both, I hope it all progresses well and you see positive changes.

[Asker]

If they were just some random people I'd completely agree (in fact, I do that with random people or acquaintances who don't approve of our relationship). However, it's just really hard for me that my parents hate the guy I'm falling in love with. I really don't want to always keep them separate. I want to be able to bring him to family stuff without a lot of my family going crazy. I'm trying to figure out how to get them to be at least open minded about it because I don't want to have to separate my life with him from my life with the rest of my family forever.

[flowersintokyo]

I think you should be more confident in your relationship. It's really not about choosing one over the other or keeping them separate, it's not really what I meant, I meant that you should just come to terms with the fact they don't accept him right now, don't like to talk about him right now. There is nothing you can do to change that atm, and you don't need to change that in order to keep a good relationship with your parents, and a good relationship with your boyfriend. For them to accept him, it takes time. You don't have to talk about him with them. But you obviously really want to. I don't know why. I think it's a confidence thing maybe. Just believe in your relationship and focus on it (only YOU need to focus on it), eventually people will get curious when they see they undermined your relationship and start to be more accepting...

[Asker]

It's not that I'm not confident in the relationship itself. I very much am. It's just that it's important for me that my parents like the guy I'm with. Maybe it's dumb, but it's true. I love my parents and how they feel about the guy I'm with does matter to me. It doesn't matter to me in the sense that I'll dump him if I don't get approval, but I'd still really like for them to at least get that he's good for me/makes me happy.

[flowersintokyo]

They will eventually trust me. You already know he is good for you because you have spent 4 months with him. They probably only spent a few hours with him+ Parents are known to make assumptions about people who are with their children, they do it out of care. We just have to give them time. Stick with your boyfriend and watch the situation get easier. It really won't stay this way forever you know that? Unfortunately it's currently not the way you want it but I don't think you can do anything to change the current situation

[Asker]

Why do you think it'll change? Right now they basically never see each other because I know if they do my parents will just attack him. If they just keep not seeing him do you think they'll change their minds? Why so?

[flowersintokyo]

I had a similar situation but not with a boyfriend, with a best friend. This new girl moved to our neighbourhood and we clicked immediately. I already had a best friend of 8 years by then, but I considered her as close and loved her as much, I still do. After only a week of moving she invited us all to her birthday party. Everyone went except for me lol. My mom found it weird that "this new girl just moved here a week ago, nobody knows anything about her or her parents (even though her mom was my new teacher in our school), I never introduced her to mom yet I am calling her my new best friend." Nonsense. A few months later she is my mom's favourite child lmao. She praises her good behaviour and maturity and everything about her. She is saying she is a great friend to have. And all I did was bring her over a few times and she said to my mom "hi how are you?" My point is-
1. The opinion your parents have of your boyfriend doesn't have anything to do with your actual boyfriend but their version of him in their head. Same with their opinion on your relationship. My mom never doubted the frienship, she knew I was spending time with this girl, she just had doubts regarding her. So in your case, your parents will first slowly have to open their eyes to what your relationship is actually like. You do that just by staying with him and giving them time to notice. And then they will start to look at him differently too.
2. My mom's opinion changed no matter how obnoxious it was (she literally said "maybe her parents will put poison in the birthday cake"). The truth comes out eventually and I seriously doubt this situation you're in will last too long. It will probably take longer than mine, because in general we have to give them, parents have more reasons to fear for their daughter when it comes to her boyfriend than her 13 yo bff.

[Anonymous]

If you love each other they'll better understand your love over time

[MTC29]

Never mind the family, and never mind the guy, let's focus in on you. 19 years is a major age gap, but both of you are adults and you can make it work. Keep in mind that he's lived much of his life, while you haven't lived all that much of your own.

Here comes the wet blanket of reality: women live much longer than men. This is not conjecture, it is fact etched into physiological stone.

When you are 55 years old, there is a good possibility that he will be dead, and very likely by the time your turn 60. In either case, women in those age ranges seldom remarry, so you will spend the rest of your life alone.

I'm sorry, but this is something you need to acknowledge before getting too deeply involved.

[Browneye57]

He's not and you're an idiot. Sure, fuck him for awhile, then find someone closer to your own age.
If you're 20, just think, in 20 years he'll be 60!!! And when you're fifty he'll be seventy. You can change his diapers. LOL And you'll be lucky if his illustrious cock still works at 60. Some do, some don't, so what, right?

[Anonymous]

Are they willing to spend any time with him, like family dinner or anything like that? The test of time. As time goes on, and they see that this relationship is here to stay, and if they are still willing to meet and/or send any time with the two of you, hopefully their opinion will change.

[Opinion Owner]

But you can't force it either, or make them.

[Avicenna]

They need to get to the point that they accept it, and there isn't something magical you can do to make them- it just takes time and the relationship going well.

[abc3643]

Stick with it. Forget your parents. They won't be with you when you are old; he should be - I hope.

[Asker]

Except I don't want to have to pick him over them (nor should I). I want to figure out how to get them to be at least open minded about the possibility that our relationship could be good/healthy/work despite the age gap (which it does)

[abc3643]

Talk to your mother alone. If you can get her on your side, the rest of the family will follow.

However, young lady, you need to understand something:
In real love, it is always Spouse Over Family.
If you don't understand that, then you are not in love.

[Yyyyu]

He is probably close to his parents age my mother was 24 when she had me so 24 +19 would be 43 since women love longer than men I am sure that her mom would outlive him.

[Yyyyu]

Live not love

[Yyyyu]

For me it is always family over dating my mother have given me birth raised me anyone can't love me more than her. How can I betray her? She probably want something good for me if she don't like my boyfriend than she probably have very good reason for it.

[es20490446e]

Lets agree to something: other people thinking that is, ultimately, their problem.

[es20490446e]

Moreover, if he had a fetish on Asian women, wouldn't that be a good thing?

When did it became a bad thing that someone desires their partner sexually?

[In_Trance]

It's only been 4 months... calm tf down.
Give it 3 years...

[Asker]

Do you think it'll actually take that long?

[In_Trance]

I'd be surprised if it happens that quick

[Smegskull]

Do you need your families support? I would have thought if he is 41 he should be able to support you.

[Yyyyu]

Some people just love their parents I won't marry anyone my mother don't like not because of money but because I love my mother and can't live without her. I literally can't love anyone more than her

[anonyni]

It's not about financial support, it's about the support that people want from their family when choosing a partner.

[KrakenAttackin]

That's a tough age gap as you two are at different life stages.

[COMMODOREII]

You are a grown woman and its your decision.

[Luckycharms12]

You barley know him chill out

[Fighter_Pilot]

Um, too old?

[IHateBeingaMan]

if it works, why not

[Anonymous]

lol sterotype